hOw dO I Do iT?!?!?

[Lucy3]

In my whole 9 years of dating I ALWAYS (give or take one or two) meet guys who are so over the top keen in the beginning and within a few dates or a few months everything changes and they go distant or cold. How does this happen EVERY TIME?!? I must be doing something wrong here? I consider myself laid back, friendly, affectionate (i know when too much is too much and too little is too little) and from what people have told me before im pretty attractive. Why do guys get so excited/keen in the very beginning and then suddlenly change? I give off the vibe of being fairly confident, independent, happy, laid back and having a good sense of humour. When you read these 'what men want' type of things i seem to tick all of the boxes but I just don't get what changes in a guys head suddenly. I don't chase guys but I don't play too hard to get to the point where I seem cold or play games.

 

I'm sure some people would say that I just haven't met the right guy yet blah blah but surely this isn't just coincidence that practically every guy I meet ends up going the same way.

 

This dating malarky is just impossible

[blueidealist24]

I get that occasionally.. it's really annoying. I'm not sure if it's you or if the guy's just scared of commitment. I heard they act like that when they're scared of commitment and they feel like they're getting in too deep. Do you ask them for commitment/exclusivity early on? Or imply that you want it? Just curious.. I still think it's probably them and not you, even if you do do that.

[Batya33]

Because you're going for the type of guys who enjoy the thrill of the chase -think about where you are meeting most of these men and how you react to their over the top initial interest- do you ever try to slow down the pace and do once a week dates in the beginning and once or twice a week phone calls or do you follow their lead and go for the insta-relationship. In my experience very few men are so afraid of commitment that they would choose fear over someone they're interested in pursuing. And most men I met weren't afraid of commitment -some had the typical concerns but on the mild side. I think most fear of commitment is an excuse for 'just not that into you". I had commitment issues because I think for too long I enjoyed the thrill of being smitten and putting someone on a pedestal and equated that with healthy love and healthy bonding. I grew out of it thank goodness.

[Lucy3]

I get that occasionally.. it's really annoying. I'm not sure if it's you or if the guy's just scared of commitment. I heard they act like that when they're scared of commitment and they feel like they're getting in too deep. Do you ask them for commitment/exclusivity early on? Or imply that you want it? Just curious.. I still think it's probably them and not you, even if you do do that.

 

Thanks for your reply, no I never tell them I want a commitment, I just let things roll and see where things go, I never put pressure on, I'm really laid back, not the high maintenance type at all!

 

If they are scared of commitment why do they go in so deep from early on, why do I see so many people around me in happy relationships and I can't seem to get that far with a guy to just have a normal, happy relationship.

[Lucy3]

Thanks for your reply, well in the last year I have met guys online, all claiming to 'want relationships' and usually a bit older than me, Im 26 they are 30+. I do try to space out the dates, tending to have one a week, at most 2 at the early stage. I leave time between texting and calling and definitely don't come off as needy.

 

How should I act, I just don't get it. You say its the type of guy I go for but I don't go for the arrogant, cocky types as they are a real turn off...some guys have even said that they were surprised I replied to their message online, as if they feel I'm out of their league (I dont think that I am)

[Batya33]

I think you find out without being confrontational what their general goals are within the first few dates (not with you specifically) and listen closely for negative comments about women they've dated, about any kind of negativity or potential depression/depressive behavior or pessimism about women in general. And sure be flattered by the huge compliments, etc in the beginning but you really need to know someone over a period of months to know whether the actions match the words -whether the feet match the lips -not because men shouldn't be trusted, just the reality of what it's like to be really excited right away and then settle in to a more serious relationship based on reality. So, be flattered but your expectations should be "I really liked this first date- it was fun -if he wants a second date he will ask me" and so on - not "oh he really really likes me -I think he wants a serious relationship with me"

[Lucy3]

Thanks, I pretty much always think along the lines of "I really liked this first date, it was really fun, If he wants a second date he will ask" it just gets a bit draining and predictable when I go through this everytime. I've lost the excitement of dating and am beginning to realise that I have no trust in men what so ever!! It's really sad as dating in your 20s should be really fun and exciting but I just feel drained.

[Polis]

Did you ever ask one of these guys?

 

Personally, if I am excited over a girl and show it but the girl does not reciprocate then I assume she lost interest, and usually I am right.

 

My personality is such that if I meet a girl I really like I am excited about our prospects, and I understand the girl may not feel the same but after a few dates if it's still the same "waiting for a few days for contact" then I figure she is as not as interested in me as I am in her.

[Batya33]

Thanks, I pretty much always think along the lines of "I really liked this first date, it was really fun, If he wants a second date he will ask" it just gets a bit draining and predictable when I go through this everytime. I've lost the excitement of dating and am beginning to realise that I have no trust in men what so ever!! It's really sad as dating in your 20s should be really fun and exciting but I just feel drained.

 

The way I got through it was by developing a very thick skin. I dated all throughout my teens, 20s and until I started dating my husband when I was almost 39. I had a number of long term relationships. I often felt like dating and looking for men to date for potentially serious relationships was a part time job - but the "prize" - marriage and family -was all worth it. It wouldn't have been worth it had I not been looking for long term.

 

I'm not sure why it's a lack of trust - if you accept that someone complimenting you when he barely knows you is how he feels honestly at that moment and then as he gets to know you he might realize that you two are not a good match, then why is he not a trustworthy person? I do understand feeling betrayed if a man asks you out for a specific date and time and then doesn't show up -that's jerky and rude.

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks for your reply, no I never tell them I want a commitment, I just let things roll and see where things go, I never put pressure on, I'm really laid back, not the high maintenance type at all!

 

If they are scared of commitment why do they go in so deep from early on, why do I see so many people around me in happy relationships and I can't seem to get that far with a guy to just have a normal, happy relationship.

 

If you never tell them you want more maybe they are assuming you don't. It stinks b/c if they are scared of commitment then telling them you want one will scare them off...but if you think about it you didn't want that guy anyway. If you tell them you want a commitment and you want thing to progress with him...at least he knows you have an interest in him. Especially if they are the type who are really ready to settle down (although I somehow never find those guys lol) if they are ready and are sensing you're not b/c you're too busy playing it cool they may decide to move on.

[blueidealist24]

Just curious, what is your sexual behaviour with them? If they're just interested in sex from you, they might take off if they're not getting it.

 

My Dad's girlfriend says guys do that because they're thinking with their 'other heads' at first.. like being physical attracted.. but then later on after they've calmed down off the high of physical attraction, they start noticing things about a girl's personality they don't want to deal with long term and then bolt. That does make sense to me.

 

I've had guys come on really strong, saying I was really cute and hot etc., then after a few weeks of getting to know them they would start to nitpick little flaws about me, not about looks but about personality, like "you worry too much" or something like that.. then do a slow fade and disappear. It's like they were taken in by my looks and didn't notice my faults at first. They also seem not to realize at first that I'm intelligent. I may seem like a bimbo since I'm blonde and don't get too deep in conversations at first, idk.

[Lucy3]

I'm not sure why it's a lack of trust - if you accept that someone complimenting you when he barely knows you is how he feels honestly at that moment and then as he gets to know you he might realize that you two are not a good match, then why is he not a trustworthy person? I do understand feeling betrayed if a man asks you out for a specific date and time and then doesn't show up -that's jerky and rude.

 

I don't trust guys because they tell me so much rubbish at the beginning about how much they like me and how they 'adore me' 'want a relationship' 'want me to meet their friend' etc- these are just examples- and then they do a disappearing act, they are all talk and no action. I just don't get why you would say it unless you mean it! It's all complete crap what they say to me in the beginning. I find it hard to believe guys that tell me stuff like that anymore. Sorry this sounds like such a rant! Lol just don't get what Im doing wrong

[Lucy3]

If that's the case about the sex then I don't want to be with someone who only wants me for sex anyway!

 

Maybe its the same with me...I am blonde and perhaps they are scared off when they realise you're not a bimbo....but do guys want bimbo girlfriends?

[Batya33]

I don't trust guys because they tell me so much rubbish at the beginning about how much they like me and how they 'adore me' 'want a relationship' 'want me to meet their friend' etc- these are just examples- and then they do a disappearing act, they are all talk and no action. I just don't get why you would say it unless you mean it! It's all complete crap what they say to me in the beginning. I find it hard to believe guys that tell me stuff like that anymore. Sorry this sounds like such a rant! Lol just don't get what Im doing wrong

 

You can believe that the person believes what he is saying at the moment. And then often people discover as they get to know each other that they don't have enough in common for a relationship. The disappearing act is rude if you've gone out a number of times but the way I saw it if we'd only met a few times then silence meant lack of interest (unless he had asked me out again for a specific date/time then of course he shouldn't stand me up - never happened). Listen to the words with the understanding that it is an at the moment expression of feelings to someone he doesn't yet know well.

 

Try to resist the temptation to be jaded or bitter- i dated on and off for 24 years before I started dating my husband. I wouldn't have had successful long term relationships or been the right match for him or anyone if I had been jaded or cynical about men - I worked hard on getting over the 'pity parties" and my "men are jerks" moments ASAP and getting back in the game.

[laura40]

I met a guy who was keen on me on the first date. He told me about his future plans (with me) and how much he liked me. I fell for it. After the first date finished he seemed a little quiet on me but he said it was down to his stressful career. We met for a second date and it went fine however he went even more quiet on me after that date but we did meet once more. That's when he told me he just wanted to be friends. I never heard from him again except a text that said "sorry" the next day. Idiot (him, not you!)

 

I read an article on people suddenly going cold after a good first date. I can't remember what it said specifically but it was about people being keen on the first date however they then realise they either can't handle it, or turn into a commitment phobe all of a sudden then disappear. It's rubbish.

[Batya33]

I think he was smitten with you on the first date and didn't filter what he was thinking even though he barely knew you. I don't think in most cases it's a commitmentphobe issue and certainly someone doesn't "turn into one" in response to a specific person. Typically it's just that as the person gets to know you and is less smitten and more grounded in reality, he or she realizes it's not a good match -often it's nothing personal at all.