Urgent advise needed! My ex girlfriend wanted space and Im about to break NC

[gulu]

Hi,

 

I’m 25 and me and my ex gf had been seeing each other for 5 years. We moved in together for two years until I had to move away to do a master course at university for one year (I’m currently 6month into this). Just before xmas I received a letter from her saying that she thinks things have changed between us and have come to an end and the distance and lack of communication hasn’t helped.

 

During our 5 year relationship we enjoyed each other’s company but I admit that I had been confused weather she is the girl for me and that If I loved her and a lot of times I thought about breaking up with her but I wasn’t sure. I admit that I hadn’t given her enough time and attention because of my confused feelings and wanted to use this time away at uni to decide.

 

My immediate reaction to her letter was a mutual response saying that I had been thinking the same and wishing her well and to keep our friendship. But the next few days it hit me how much I loved her and decided to go up and see her (she lives 250miles away).

 

I told her everything about how I felt and accepted I had neglected her at times and that how confused I was about my feelings, she said that this would have meant so much to her if I had told her earlier but she said she just don’t know. We hugged and then I left. Later that day she texted me saying she wanted to see me she offered I could stay at hers (on the sofa!), when we met that night she said that she just needed some space one or two month and that she wasn’t goanna date anyone and I accepted, she also said that I maybe feeling this way because I’m not having a great time at the town I’m studying at, which I rejected. The next day I left early when she was at work and left her a note that said it would be hard for me to spent time away from her but I’m going to respect her decision, she text me saying that she thinks this is the best things for us right now and that who knows what will happen in future, if it meant to be it will be (what does she mean by this?!). This was 5 weeks ago.

 

After the first week I sent her an email telling I’m working on myself to be better and asked her how she was. She replied saying that she was happy to hear that and that her grandfather had passed away (her grand that has been really ill the past few months and I think that’s been hard on her). I offered to call and have a chat but she said she’s ok and I said that she can call me anytime if she needed to talk about it. The next day I sent her a casual email to cheer her up. A week later I sent her a casual food recipe and three weeks ago I sent her text saying just to say hello, how are you. She replied saying “I’m good, thanks still need time and space, speak soon”. I have not contacted her since for the past three weeks nor have I heard from her.

 

I have been reading a lot of books and articles about relationships and self development and have been looking at the reasons why the relationship has failed and the part I had to play in it. I want to send her a letter telling about the some of the work I’ve done why I think our relationship didn’t work out and how I’m working on myself to make sure this doesn’t happen again etc. And also to attach an article form a book on relationship which was really helpful to me. I feel this might be necessary to show her that my feeling towards her was not just an emotional reaction to the break up and that things would be different. I also wanted a to send her a diary I bought her in her favourite colour and I have bought some pressed flowers like her birth month flower and some other flower that symbolise fresh starts and love, and I was gonna put this in the diary with their meanings... just as a gesture of my love.

 

Sorry I know this tread is long but I think there are so many factors that need to be considered. Can you please give me some advice and what you think about the whole situation?

 

• Should I send her the letter and the diary?

• Should I just wait for her to contact me?

• Is she giving me false hope?

• Should I just prepare myself to move on?

 

I can see myself having a family with this girl I really do love her, your advice would be greatly appreciated I don’t want to make the wrong choice and damage my chances of getting back with her.

 

Thanks a lot guys, looking forward to your replies.

[Di_ya2009]

Hi gulu,

 

This is kind of tough. It must be hard on you to want to do all these things for her now and not be able to do it. But, I can tell from reading your post that you clearly would like to make the changes and want to show her that and it's very admiring.

 

However, I feel that if she wanted her space perhaps the best thing to do right now is just respect that and give her that space.

 

Would you continue to want to do these things for her once she comes back (if she chooses to...)? Are u only thinking of positive memories with her, why were you so doubtful of loving her before?

 

 

• Should I send her the letter and the diary? IMO- No b/c she asked for space...but you know her best, so do u think she would appreciate the gesture although she had said she wanted space?

 

• Should I just wait for her to contact me? YES

 

• Is she giving me false hope? hard to tell, but the fact she said she will not date anyone during this time , says that she is genuine.

• Should I just prepare myself to move on? I don't think you should have any sort of expecations, instead focus on your own self improvement (for yourself) and on your studies.

[gulu]

Thanks Di_ya2009,

 

I've learnt that only by continuing this changes and actively seeking to learn about her, would make her feel understood and that will have a positive impact on our relationship which in turn would make me feel understood and loved. One of the things that I had lacked doing during our relationship was that I did not actively seek to make her happy because my mind was too occupied thinking weather she is the one, which took my focus away from the all the love she was given me and I focused on her faults and negatives.

 

After the break-up I put down all the reasons I did not want to be with her to rationalise my thoughts but when I looked back on these reasons few days later they looked silly they were very trivial problems. There was also a lot going on in my life and mind was preoccupied (financial problems which threatened my first degree).

 

There was also a lack of communication between us when it came to talking about our relationship problem, which would have helped so much and one which both of us were guilty of and I am trying to address the part I had to play in that.

 

The reason I am so keen to send her the letter and the diary is that I want her to know that I am actively seeking to change for better. I was very emotional last time we met and I am afraid that she might put down everything I said as an emotional reaction to the break up and base her decision about our relationship on that. (she did say during the break-up that when I was there she enjoyed the relationship, but I wasn’t there enough)

 

I think she would like the diary... I never done something like that for her that is so personal (I bought her gifts and things she appreciated). I was gonna send her flowers but I didn’t know what would that represent I don’t want to give impression that a bunch of flowers would make everything alright so that’s why I went for dried flowers that would hopefully have more meanings.

 

I want to get as much advice as I can so please keep posting guys... means a lot to me.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[Di_ya2009]

Hi gulu,

 

In this case, maybe you can give her the dairy and flowers but after that wait for her to contact you...

 

After that ...

 

Give her what she wanted, space. You don't want her coming back with doubts in her mind either, so she needs that space to realize what she wants.

 

Is she someone who would want you to listen and respect her wishes or would she want you to express how much she means to you?

 

She might possibly be scared that if she comes back things will go back to how they were...

[gulu]

Is she someone who would want you to listen and respect her wishes or would she want you to express how much she means to you?

 

That is hard to say... I think that is what causing me the most confusion at this time. In our relationship I havent expressed how much she means to me I hadnt complement her enough, so one can say that by me expressing my feelings to her I will show that has something has changed about me, but it also can be said that Im complementing her to get her back.

 

On the other hand, at the present time she has asked for space and I guess she would want to be respected and left alone at this time.

 

To show her that things will be diffrent this time its also a big challenge, one which I need to establish communication before I am able to show her.

 

I'm thinking of starting my letter by saying "Hope you are well. I do not mean to intrude your space and I am not writing this letter to provoke a response, I just like to update you on what’s going on with me, so don’t feel that you need to reply to this letter."

 

I have had NC for 3-weeks now and sometimes I feel I maybe undoing all the hard work by sending her this letter, but the the other part of me says that if I give her time and she decides the break up is for the best, I will always regret not sending her the letter and the diary.

 

Its very confusing....

[gulu]

Hi All,

 

Anybody else with a view on my situation please? I need more advice please

 

Thanks.