Please help as I am dating a great man with several children

[rrivera]

Hello,

I am hoping someone can offer some insight as to the way I have been feeling. I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months now.

The problem in-so-far is that he has 5 children, 2 of which are biological and the 3 others are step-children. He has 2 stepchildren ages 19 & 17 from his first wife and 1 stepchild age 8 from his second wife. He financially supports all 5 of them. He spends a minimum of 4 to 5 days a week with his 9 year old stepchild and his 6 year old biological son. He has been talking about us merging together as of late.

I myself have 1 daughter whose father is very actively involved in her life.

My dilema is, I would love to take the next step with this man but have not been able to as a result of all the luggage he carries with him. I say to myself, "this is not what I signed up for." He and I getting married would obviously mean that I would have to accept his son and stepson for so many days in one week. It doesn't help that they are poorly behaved children and I have been concerned about how much interaction I want them to have with my daughter. Also, the fact that he supports children that aren't even his, makes me terribly uncomfortable as being a mother, I would never expect anybody to support my daughter but her dad and I. I have also expressed to him how this would never be the case and how my daughter would never call him "Daddy" as his stepchildren do. It also upsets me that while he is caring for the boys sometimes 5x a week, he is still sending child support to his ex-wife on top of already paying her mortgage and tuition for his son and her son. The time that we would spend together has suffered as a result. I feel that I am making more sacrifices than he is. I also believe that he may feel some sort of guilt for taking on the responsibility of having these kids 5x a week. I also have to deal with his older stepchildren calling for money or because they need something purchased.

I am 29 years old and he is 41. He can no longer have children which means he and I wouldn't have a child together. I believe that the sacrifice I am making should let him know that perhaps he needs to reasses. I don't have a problem with him spending time with his children however, I truly believe that if he has his biological and stepchild that often in one week, then he should probably get custody of his biological son and have his mother take him every other weekend.

Perhaps I am being selfish in feeling like this. However, this has lingered for way too long and now I cannot even look into the future with this man; if we even have a future.

If I dare say, I also am viewing him as a big time SUCKER these days. I have talked to many men who have actually told me, "I am not that much of a man." I wish, that if he wants to spend that much time with his biological son, then do so however, please don't expect me to also have to suck up your ex-wife's other kid or your first wife's two kids.

Please, someone help me to make sense of this all. Also, please don't spare me your opinions.

 

Many thanks,

rrivera

[RayKay]

I know it is tough for you, but I don't think it is fair to question his care for his stepchildren - just because they are not biologically his does not mean he is not their father. My stepfather has always been more of a father to me and my siblings than my 'real' father ever was, or is even to this day! I was 7 when he came into our lives, but my siblings were toddlers and infants - and that is who they know. The younger step child probably feels the same way. There is nothing wrong with him supporting them, or them calling him daddy for that matter. That is the way their family is. Not all stepchildren have a biological father in the picture willing to help out like your daughter's father is - so that is what we know.

 

I do think it is odd that if they spend so much time with him that he is paying that much support - but that is his arrangement.

 

Have you talked to him rationally about it to find out what is going on and voice your concerns? It seems like you are very determined to keep his life separate from yours - if you accept him, his children come with that.

 

He is a father - biological or not, and as a mother I am sure you understand that your children come first.

[Coyote_the_trickster]

My first thought on this was hmmm maybe she might be wife number three and wife number four will be having the same thoughts when she reflects back on this.

 

you spoke of sacrafices, what has he done in this case? and what have you done? (if you have stated, I am sorry my mind is fuzzy atm.)

[WishMistress]

It sounds like to me that you have pretty much made up your mind. You can not deal with his children and you don't want your child to see him as a dad. In the experience of being a step -child I knew who my biological father was and I still called my step dad....dad. It is only right to have respect for someone that raises you. I think that his commitmets are overwhelming for you and perhaps there is too much difference in age and experience in this relationship for both of you to handle. You can not ask him to give up his children cause that is dispicable. Maybe both of you should move on, because they will always be in his life. It sounds to me like you are only ready to make a commitment if he ditches involvement with his kids. Would you be happy if your ex remarried and did that to your daughter cause his new wife expected it? And if you want to have other children which you expressed that you do, he is not the man for you.