Hello,
I am hoping someone can offer some insight as to the way I have been feeling. I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months now.
The problem in-so-far is that he has 5 children, 2 of which are biological and the 3 others are step-children. He has 2 stepchildren ages 19 & 17 from his first wife and 1 stepchild age 8 from his second wife. He financially supports all 5 of them. He spends a minimum of 4 to 5 days a week with his 9 year old stepchild and his 6 year old biological son. He has been talking about us merging together as of late.
I myself have 1 daughter whose father is very actively involved in her life.
My dilema is, I would love to take the next step with this man but have not been able to as a result of all the luggage he carries with him. I say to myself, "this is not what I signed up for." He and I getting married would obviously mean that I would have to accept his son and stepson for so many days in one week. It doesn't help that they are poorly behaved children and I have been concerned about how much interaction I want them to have with my daughter. Also, the fact that he supports children that aren't even his, makes me terribly uncomfortable as being a mother, I would never expect anybody to support my daughter but her dad and I. I have also expressed to him how this would never be the case and how my daughter would never call him "Daddy" as his stepchildren do. It also upsets me that while he is caring for the boys sometimes 5x a week, he is still sending child support to his ex-wife on top of already paying her mortgage and tuition for his son and her son. The time that we would spend together has suffered as a result. I feel that I am making more sacrifices than he is. I also believe that he may feel some sort of guilt for taking on the responsibility of having these kids 5x a week. I also have to deal with his older stepchildren calling for money or because they need something purchased.
I am 29 years old and he is 41. He can no longer have children which means he and I wouldn't have a child together. I believe that the sacrifice I am making should let him know that perhaps he needs to reasses. I don't have a problem with him spending time with his children however, I truly believe that if he has his biological and stepchild that often in one week, then he should probably get custody of his biological son and have his mother take him every other weekend.
Perhaps I am being selfish in feeling like this. However, this has lingered for way too long and now I cannot even look into the future with this man; if we even have a future.
If I dare say, I also am viewing him as a big time SUCKER these days. I have talked to many men who have actually told me, "I am not that much of a man." I wish, that if he wants to spend that much time with his biological son, then do so however, please don't expect me to also have to suck up your ex-wife's other kid or your first wife's two kids.
Please, someone help me to make sense of this all. Also, please don't spare me your opinions.
Many thanks,
rrivera
