Emotional Cheating

[caliboy]

First of all, what exactly do people define this to be?

 

And how can you determine if someone is cheating emotionally or just being friendly and a having a friend of the opposite sex?

[AzurePhoenix]

This is going to be interesting.

 

So.. what do you mean by "Emotional cheating?"

 

Can you elaborate on what this means to you?

 

This is an interesting topic and I think it deserves some light of discussion.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[caliboy]

To be honest I'm not entirely sure what I mean by Emotional Cheating, because I'm trying to figure it out myself. When someone cheats physically, they're doing things with someone else that they're only suppose to do with you. Say your girlfriend or boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex. At what point would you feel they're becoming too emotionally involed with this other person.

 

I understand this can vary from person to person, but there must be some clear definitive way of telling if your significant other is putting too much emotion into someone of the opposite sex.

 

I bring this topic up, because my fiancee had a guy friend in the past who she would hang out with at least four times a week and talk to all the time. She said she wasn't attracted to him at all and he never made a move on her. They were strictly friends. She was with her ex-boyfriend at the time too, who lived 400 miles away. She tells me her ex didn't care, but if I was him I would wonder if something was up, cause I'm use to girls being close with their girlfriends. I guess some girls get along better with guys and that's normal and there's nothing to worry about...? I only care about this, because she recently started talking more (via email) to a coworker and showed some sadness when she found out he was moving and she also mentioned she wanted to get back in touch with that old friend of hers. We had been arguing a lot lately, so I wonder if she goes elsewhere for the emotional comfort kind of thing? If so, is it odd she goes to another guy, rather than a girlfriend? I'm just trying to pay attention to signs without making any accusations, but maybe I'm worrying over nothing?

 

I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but when they start becoming close friends things get confusing. Say there isn't any physical attraction - the possibility of her being emotionally attached comes into play. I myself have friends who are girls, but I leave all my emotion with the girl I'm in a relationship with.

[AzurePhoenix]

 

I understand this can vary from person to person, but there must be some clear definitive way of telling if your significant other is putting too much emotion into someone of the opposite sex.

 

..they're doing things with someone else that they're only suppose to do with you.

 

 

Let me preface first of all, that I do not know or am not certain of the answers to many of the questions you are asking. What I would like to help facilitate is an open discusson around your questions to better understand this.

 

What I know:

I know that we all love differrently meaning that we have different needs that are met by our relationships. I know that it is not healthy to have all of your intimate, emotional, and intellectual needs met by a single person. This is not to say that I advocate that we sleep around, I am a strong advocate of monogamy. What I believe is most healthy is a social group of people to have meaningful relationships with. I believe that having one person as the center of our entire world on an emotional and intellectual level can stifle our growth and keep us from living a full life.

 

Further I know that we are all different in terms of social norms, expectations, ability to communciate those expectations and ability even to understand what is being told to us.

 

With that diatrade out of the way, what I understand from your clairification are two things. The first is "What is Emotional Cheating"and a discussion around this and the second is how this applies to your specific situation.

 

We requre different levels of attention and positive regard and intimacy from our intimate relatinships. The amount of attention varys per person, per culture, per sex, per situation. It is not easily "measured" per se. This is part of the exciting process of getting to know someone on this level.

 

What I think we can do is to identify what needs of our own are not being met... or alternately what needs that you have that are being met yet you feel threatened that they will not continue to be met by your girlfriends behavior.

 

Some people require more emotional attachments or positive reinforcement from the opposite sex that other people. I have met both men and women who flirted all the time. Sometimes it was innocent, other times it turned into something more. I am guessing that your specific situation lends itself to the question of boundaries and definitions of what your role is in your relationship with this girl.

 

Some practical application to this:

I once dated a women who spent the majority of her time flirting with other men. It was uncomfortable, it made me angry and when I confronted her about this her answer on every occasion was that "I always leave with you". It greatly bothered me that she would spend so much time cultivating these other "interests" especially when we are out on a date. The relationship ended when I found out that one of these "Friends" spend the night with her. They later married and she exhibited the same behavior with this guy as she did with me. The last time I saw them he looked like a beaten dog sitting in the corner of a bar while she was doing her number on a nearby table of young studs. I remember thinking at tha time "There but for the grace of god, go I."

 

 

Sorry for the long reply..

 

~AzurePhoenix

[Day_Walker]

Emotional cheat is very nit picky. In an ideal world emotional cheating wouldnt happen but lets just face the fact that it will happen. This is a purists argument and in an idealistic sense i can see what is wrong with it but its not realistic. You can choose to realize that it happens or you can get upset about it.

[caliboy]

I understand what you're saying AzurePhoenix. I've had some bad relationships in the past where the girl wasn't the most honest, so it's made me more watchful of the girl I'm with now. But this isn't fair to her. She's not flirty, she's just a very nice and friendly person.

 

Another thing is that I'm use to girls who put all their attention into me, and my fiance "shares herself" with other people, so I'm not getting the attention like I had before with other girls. Not that that's bad, in fact it'd be healthier if we weren't putting all our attention into each other like you said. That's probably part of the reason why my past relationships didn't work out. I just need to snap out of my old selfish ways of viewing relationships and I need to realize it's ok if she has an emotional/intellectual/meaningful relationship with another guy. I think I've been nieve to this. I can't keep her from doing that nor should I let it bother me. It's normal and healthy for human development.

 

 

Thanks for the advice