mesmerized Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Hey good people, My name's Adam and I wanted to share my story with you and ask for your help. I'm in my late twenties, heading for 28 this year and I've been in (yet another) relationship for the past year or so. The girl's name is Anna and I've been dating her for some time after a two year gap that I gave myself after I had broken up with my previous girl with whom I'd been together for almost 4 years. That break-up struck me really hard and I had been struggling to pull myself together for a long time, I even had had to pay a visit or two to a psychologist. And then I met Anna, on the Internet, via a dating site in my country. I didn't believe that a girl found on the net can be worthwhile until I started chatting with her extensively. Finally we met and something just clicked. It turned out we had similar interests (the same major, the same music, the same love for literature and poetry etc.) and we ended up being together in a relationship. We didn't want to hasten things, we waited with sex, just enjoyed being together, going out together... but there was a catch. I was growing tired of being in my country so I needed a change. I came up with this idea of going to China and I sort of talked her into that knowing how much she loves to travel and knowing that she'd been to China once. We started preparing everything and then... I screwed up. I nearly kissed another girl, I backed out in time, but my girlfriend found out, we broke up but she was willing to give me another chance (that's what it looked like) So we went to China, encountered lots of problems here and we were trying to bulid something again... She wanted me, she wanted me to try hard and I thought I did but I was wrong. To cut a long story short I made some mistakes. No, I didn't cheat on her, I didn't do anything with another girl, actually I've staying away from anything else than friendship with other women... but I guess I haven't given her enough support especially at the time when we thought she might have been pregnant. So here I am... she doesn't want me. She keeps saying that I screwed up, that we could have had something beautiful, that she had hopes but now it's over 'cause she doesn't want to break the word she gave to herself, meaning she doesn't want to try again, she doesn't believe me. The thing is that we still live together because we're in China, we don't speak Chinese and our contract will by over by September and people don't want to rent apartments for such a short period. What's even worse is that we work together... so wee see each other 24/7. I don't know what to do. I'm trying hard to move on, get over it, forget her but it's nearly impossible since I see her every day and we sleep in the same huge bed (separately) She has a lot of grudge towoards me... I'm not a superhero, I'm just a human being and I make mistakes but she says it's been too many of them. I'm a handsome man with a great,yet somewhat twisted, sense of humor, I'm smart (no matter how immodest I sound now) I know how to look after a girl but sometimes I feel insecure because I'm simply not a fearless guy... I know my shortcomings, I know that sometimes it's hard for me to learn my lesson but I'm also aware of my strong points. All I want is to get her back due to a simple fact. I love her and did have plans for us. In fact I wanted to marry her because she is this little blinking light at the end of a tunnel. I don't know if it's possible to win her back... maybe it's not. I doubt it to be honest. If somebody says no all the time and if in our current situation I can't use "no conact" how can I win her back? Seems impossible. And what's worse her reaction to my recent behavior (that is: being caring and protective) is simple: Adam, you want something, that's why you're like that and I'm sick of it. Hope you can help me... if not, heck... I'll just try not to get depressed although it won't be easy. Cheers guys, all the best from China for you all. PS. I just have one, quite possibly, most important question... Every relationship-guide says that I should stay away from my ex. Now, how do I do that if I'm sentenced to being with her in the same apartment? Is the situation completely hopeless? PS2. To be honest, I'm losing hope with every day and every hour... I think I lost her, I screwed things up bad and maybe I deserve to suffer now... All I know is that after my first major breakup I had to seek help from a psychologist/psychiatrist who gave me anti-depressive pills... and then I met this girl and lost her. I'm feeling suicidal. I cannot think about the future... I can let her go, that's OK... but I want to be gone too... Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Hi, Adam... I'm not great at giving advice, but I wanted to tell you that I went through some VERY dark days when my ex broke up with me too. What you have to remember though is how you felt after your last breakup. You felt this way then didn't you? You got through it, you moved on and you met this girl. You WILL get through it this time too, I promise you. You just have to hang in there for a while... tough it out. It's so hard, I know, and you hurt so badly. It will get better though, in time. And anyway... you have yet to meet the love of your life, Adam! Just think of all that you will be missing out on if you make yourself gone now. I am feeling a lot better now, three months on, with the aid of my doctor and his little anti-depressant pills! If I had made myself gone, as I had planned, I would already have missed out on so much. Reading here a lot helped me. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 Thanks Sara... appreciate your input. Last time I only got through because I was under the influence of strong pills... I don't want to go through that anymore... I just hope my parents will understand one day. Now they are the only reason I'm still here. And simply because I don't have what I need to stop the suffering. I just cannot cope with normal things, duties, tasks... I cry at work, hide myself in the restroom... I can't fight anymore... I just feel my life is coming to an end. I could try one more time to pull myself together but I just can't or I don't want to anymore... It's not so much about that girl maybe... maybe losing her was just another sign. I can't be in any relationships because I always screw up. I don't want the wolrd to have me anymore... I just want to stop feeling. I'm not made of steel, I just want to start thinking about myself and about what I wish... Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Adam... believe me, I know these feelings very well. (I've battled with clinical depression on and off for many years.) It WILL get better though, it always does. You can't see it from where you are, but you have to trust that it will. Hide yourself in the restroom at work and cry when you need to. Let the tasks that you can't complete go for now if possible. Talk to people. If there's no one around, come on here and vent. Call a helpline even... I've done that a couple of times in the last few months. Don't just give up. When I feel desperate, it helps sometimes to just sit and focus on my breathing. Breath in... count to six. Breath out... count to eight. Try to calm your mind and let these thoughts go for a while. Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Adam, can you get yourself some books to read? I posted about the ones with helped me right after my break up: You may take a look and use this time to become stronger. Be strong! Link to comment
mesmerized Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Thanks, I'll try to find those books but it might be impossible to get them here in China... Do you think there might still be a chance to get her back? She says that she's already given me another chance and since I've screwed up she can't go for another one 'cause it'd be against her and her beliefs. When I tried to persuade her that I'd not make the same mistakes and that everybody takes wrong paths sometimes she said I'd made too many of them and she even made a list for me. What's more she looked me straight in the eye and said she didn't feel any feeling towards me... She said: have no hope, it's over between us, I don't want to be disappointed by you again. I don't know how to behave, what to do. We live together, we sleep in the same bed... I see her every day and every morning I dream of having her a little bit closer... The 14th of Feb. is coming, I wanted to prepare something special... but now I just feel that nothing's gonna change. She's the one best thing that happened to me in my entire life, not to mention the fact that actually she's the first girl I "went to the top" with and had a real orgasm when we were having sex. I'd been with different girls before and I just couldn't "get there" How should I behave? Should I talk to her or remain silent? When she wants to watch a movie, what do I do? Am I supposed to say "yes" or "I'm sorry, I'm not part of your life anymore" ? Is there a slim chance of getting her back? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 What do you think about the whole thing? How should I behave? I really sometimes want to tell her "I'm not part of your life anymore, even though I'd like to be... so don't expect me to act like we're on the same path 'cause we're not" But we live together... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 guys, I could really use your help here... Link to comment
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