How to approach women when you are ALONE??

[Dougie_D]

You can be confident in something but NOT be successful at it. How many times have you seen a basketball player go for a dunk and MISS it?

 

What I'm saying is.. women like guys that give off a SUCCESSFUL vibe. A lot of guys come off like that. It's not confidence. That's not the word women should use.

 

Or if you are going to use Confidence..please include success as well.

 

I'm just not SUCCESSFUL in picking up ladies.

[Slimpee]

It's not about confidence in a certain aspect of your life. It's more about confidence in who you are. It's saying "I like myself". Sure, there can be things a confident person would like to change but the confident person works to improve those things and doesn't let them define him.

 

It's about believing that you are worthy of other people's time. It's about knowing that you have a lot to offer.

 

In the realm of women, it's about being interested in women, but not needing them to make you happy. I think that the confidence women look for (and correct me if i'm wrong women) is a man who has a good handle on his life, knows that's he's going somewhere, and lives it his way regardless of whether a certain woman is involved or not.

[Dougie_D]

It's hard to "like yourself" when people keep on criticizing you. I never thought my haircut was terrible until other people point it out or the fact that I don't dress well. I never thought I was doing something wrong until someone tells me "what their opinion" is. It's obvious that "being myself" is not helping me with my women problems.

 

I feel like I have a lot to offer, but when people say "you need to go to the gym", "you need to do this", "you need to," , etc....

 

I can offer companionship. I can offer guidance. I can offer energy. Apparently what I have to OFFER, is NOT what people are looking for. That's what bums me out.

 

If people want to change, they obviously don't "love themselves" from the beginning. The change they are looking for is the part that they don't like about themselves.

[capuccino83]

You can be confident in something but NOT be successful at it. How many times have you seen a basketball player go for a dunk and MISS it?

 

What I'm saying is.. women like guys that give off a SUCCESSFUL vibe. A lot of guys come off like that. It's not confidence. That's not the word women should use.

 

Or if you are going to use Confidence..please include success as well.

 

I'm just not SUCCESSFUL in picking up ladies.

 

And how many times have you seen a basketball player go for a dunk and not miss it? It seems like your definition of success is not failing. I would argue that the definition of success is having the confidence to continue after failing. Everyone fails.. even Michael Jordan and Donald Trump (who I would like to argue are very successful) have gone through horrible failures.

[capuccino83]

It's hard to "like yourself" when people keep on criticizing you. I never thought my haircut was terrible until other people point it out or the fact that I don't dress well. I never thought I was doing something wrong until someone tells me "what their opinion" is. It's obvious that "being myself" is not helping me with my women problems.

 

I feel like I have a lot to offer, but when people say "you need to go to the gym", "you need to do this", "you need to," , etc....

 

I can offer companionship. I can offer guidance. I can offer energy. Apparently what I have to OFFER, is NOT what people are looking for. That's what bums me out.

 

If people want to change, they obviously don't "love themselves" from the beginning. The change they are looking for is the part that they don't like about themselves.

 

Honestly, if people told me that I need to go to the gym or get a hair cut, my reaction would be, hmm.. maybe I am putting on a few pounds, thanks for letting me know before it got out of hand!

 

It's really not criticism or anything to feel bad about or not being yourself. Its more like, okay, I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and go to the gym.

 

This is where the confidence and looking for validation comes in. You are not confident so any little comment you seem to take as a major attack on who you are. It will come through in your body language and conversation. Which is why I said before.. you can't mask what is happening internally with external behavior. You need to start changing your outlook on life before anything else will follow.

[bulletproof]

You have posted about this before, and I think the conclusion was that cold approaches in bars/clubs were probably not going to be successful for you. But you insist on doing it this way. Why? It just seems like you want to keep attempting the same thing over, despite the advice given here and the fact that you are not enjoying yourself or getting dates. It just seems strange to me that you would do this.

[Slimpee]

It just seems strange to me that you would do this.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result

[Dougie_D]

It's really not criticism or anything to feel bad about or not being yourself. Its more like, okay, I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and go to the gym.

 

Which I do. Sometimes I go to the gym. Sometimes I don't. That's with everything. People make assumptions that I don't care about myself because I don't do the little things that people put so much VALUE in. For example: My roommates and other people laugh about my black shoes with red laces. I don't CARE. I bought them. I like them. They are comfortable. So WHAT if they don't "match" whatever else I'm wearing? Why does that matter to people? So because, I don't take the effort to "MATCH" people assume I don't care about myself. That's absurd too me.

 

Honestly, if people told me that I need to go to the gym or get a hair cut, my reaction would be, hmm.. maybe I am putting on a few pounds, thanks for letting me know before it got out of hand!

 

Honestly, how often do other people say that too you? And what if you are already going to the gym? How would that make you feel?

 

I would argue that the definition of success is having the confidence to continue after failing

 

That doesn't make sense. That would mean that I'm successful in picking up women. I continue to try every time I get rejected.

 

I agree 100% that being confident is a feeling and not an action. But when you talk, walk, etc...you are doing ACTIONS.

 

So, I go to bar and get a FEELING that I would succeed at picking up a woman. I approach FEELING confident that I will get things going. Then "BOOM" some sort of ACTION happens and I don't succeed. In that case, CONFIDENCE has NOTHING to do with me attracting, approaching, talking, to a woman.

 

I have some sort of PHYSICAL or ACTION that causes me to not succeed. Maybe I say something that "freaks" her out? Maybe she values nice hair, and that's the reason why she wasn't interested. Maybe I come off TOO strong?

 

I'm CONFIDENT that I will find a girl! If I don't see myself having any CONFIDENT, than I would completely NOT try. Trust me! I do try!

[Dougie_D]

I think the conclusion was that cold approaches in bars/clubs were probably not going to be successful for you

 

WHY? Because I'm UNATTRACTIVE? If that's the case, then why have people said it's about CONFIDENCE and not looks? If it's because I'm not 6 foot, beautiful smile, toned body with a 6 pack, etc... THEN tell me! And I will NEVER go to a bar looking to meet women.

[memento]

Life is cruel and unfear Dougie_D. Your 31 correct? Your starting to be too old for the club scene. And that could be a reason for your failures. It has nothing to do with you personally but young girls want trophy guys. They are looking more for guys that will make their friends jealous. You don't need those failures effecting your self-confidence which I think it has started too. Also, Don't compare yourself to other people's success. Your putting too much pressure on yourself and its not helping.

[agent1607307371]

Which I do. Sometimes I go to the gym. Sometimes I don't. That's with everything. People make assumptions that I don't care about myself because I don't do the little things that people put so much VALUE in. For example: My roommates and other people laugh about my black shoes with red laces. I don't CARE. I bought them. I like them. They are comfortable. So WHAT if they don't "match" whatever else I'm wearing? Why does that matter to people? So because, I don't take the effort to "MATCH" people assume I don't care about myself. That's absurd too me.

!

 

Dougie, if you want to play with people, you have to play by their rules. People make assumptions based on clothing and grooming. If you aren't taking care in what you wear, then yes, people will assume you don't care and they will ascribe whatever reasons to it - that you have low self esteem, or that you're trying to keep people away.

 

I don't like wearing makeup or wear things that aren't jeans, but when I go to work I put on a nice top and some make up. Why? Because that is what is looked at as professional dress. I don't like it, but I have to abide by it. Otherwise, the fact that I am a good worker will be matched up with the fact that I am a slob. And nobody wants the slob to be out representing their department.

 

Yeah, the world is shallow, but majority rules. If you want to get a certain kind of girl but aren't dressing in a way that tells her you share values, then no, you will not be successful with her.

 

The fact is, you act directly against yourself. Bars and clubs are pretty much the shallowest environments going so you have to look at yourself shallowly to succeed.

[capuccino83]

Maybe the tide talking stain commercial will help you understand.. When your hair is a mess, your clothing is unmatched and you have put zero effort into your appearance, your appearance will be talking louder than you are and yes, you will be judged on that.

 

And yes, people have said that to me before and my reaction was that obviously whatever I was doing wasn't working so it's good that I had that feedback. Honestly, if your approach to diet and excercise is "sometimes I do, sometimes I don't" I don't understand why you feel bad if people tell you go to the gym on a regular basis. Thats like getting upset that the electric company shuts of the power in your house because you pay the bill sometimes.

[Dougie_D]

I don't understand why you feel bad if people tell you go to the gym on a regular basis.

 

Because:

 

a) I already know that I am out of shape

b) It's my body and not yours

c) It sounds like a lecture

D) They are obviously concerned about what I look like

 

If people tell me to go to the gym because they think I have "health" problems...and explaining to me by doing exercise/gym everyday will improve my health, I would be more appreciative.

 

When the reasoning is: You're fat, you're oveweight, "hit the gym dude!", ... I don't like it. It sounds RUDE to me.

[memento]

People at the club/bars shouldn't be telling you to hit the gym. That's pretty messed up.

[blueidealist24]

I've been following this thread a bit and I really think that online dating will be better for you than approaching females out at the bar, alone or with friends.

 

The reason being is online daters, or SOME anyway, will be more likely to judge you on your personality than on your looks allow, and 'shallow' stuff like your sneakers with red laces (which i don't really think is a big deal and if a woman is turned off and rejects you by THAT alone she is very shallow.. although I don't think that is really the case). There are some quieter people with more depth doing online dating than in a bar, I think.. so they won't be so shallow.. that that everyone who goes out to bars to look for men or women or party is shallow, but it's a common type of personality found in bars.

 

I would work on trying to improve your online dating profile and pictures rather than trying to do something that so obviously doesn't suit you (picking up women at bars and clubs). I really believe you would be able to find people doing online dating and if you haven't I'm curious as to what problems you have had with that.. I assume they are probably more fixable than the ones you are having at bars, honestly.

[Alezia]

While I believe that confidence and success are interdependent, I do not think they are the same thing. If I take your basketball example, someone with tons of confidence and no success, would be bragging about never missing the hoop and being the best player out there. He would repetitively not get any points. Sure you could pretend this is a confident guy, but underneath all that mask - he knows he's terrible.

 

Someone with a moderate amount of success and confidence would most likely feel at ease if someone asked him on play on a team. He will score some points for the team, but he might miss the shoot out. A really successful guy, would be that straight never fail guy in practice. I don't believe he could have poor confidence, but he may just keep quiet.

 

You could always be a very good player, but because of some unlucky events - always cast doubt on your abilities. So in that sense you would be successful but non-confident. I would not say that the majority of people fall into this category.

 

Women want the truly confident guy, with either moderate to excellent success. Not the outspoken braggart, and not someone they constantly need to pick out of the barrel. It doesn't really matter where he falls in that range of success, as long as it is genuine and he is able to function in life.

 

I think it easier to describe the lack of confidence, then exactly what is confidence. A constant asking for approval and negative attitude are usually the biggest sign of lack of confidence.

[lalalollipops]

Yeah silent confidence is really attractive. Somebody that boasts about his 'skills' or shows conceit turns most girls off.

 

You can usually tell a confident guy from one that is not. It's just the way they move and talk and stand. They don't need to be overly loud, or showy, but they will give off an aura.

Well I'm usually good at picking up on faked confidence. It's alittle different.

[Dougie_D]

I would work on trying to improve your online dating profile and pictures rather than trying to do something that so obviously doesn't suit you (picking up women at bars and clubs). I really believe you would be able to find people doing online dating and if you haven't I'm curious as to what problems you have had with that.. I assume they are probably more fixable than the ones you are having at bars, honestly.

 

I am pretty sure that Online Dating is WORSE for me. I have NO luck at all. I've had a few girls respond back but whenever I ask them for their number or to try to get together they get "cold feet".

 

Here's my profile: link removed

[blueidealist24]

Your profile really doesn't look bad. It looks like a typical profile. Your first and last picture aren't very flattering, especially the last one. The first one you just have kind of a weird expression. The second to last one is nice and the others are fine, I think. Maybe you should take casual sex off your profile. Some women might be turned off by that. I probably wouldn't message a guy back who was looking for casual sex on there, even if he was looking for other things too.

 

Have you tried Plenty of Fish as opposed to okcupid? Seems there are more people on POF.

[memento]

Online dating is rough. Send out a message to everyone you don't find unattractive. You probably will get one reply for every 10-15 you send out.

[Capricorn3]

Your first and last picture aren't very flattering, especially the last one. The first one you just have kind of a weird expression. The second to last one is nice and the others are fine, I think. Maybe you should take casual sex off your profile. Some women might be turned off by that. I probably wouldn't message a guy back who was looking for casual sex on there, even if he was looking for other things too. .

I agree with the above. Definitely lose the first pic and replace it with something else - something similar to the one where you are with your friends (that's a really nice pic).

[memento]

For new friends, short-term dating, activity partners, casual sex As a guy I probably wouldn't respond to a girl with that on there.. lol. It just sounds like you want to get laid and if that's the case there are other sites for that. How about putting "To meet new people." ?

 

Also, "Religion : Other and laughing about it" I am not really a religious person but that line doesn't seem right..

 

and.

 

"I'm really good at: making the day fun. I try to not be such a serious guy. If I am...you know it's time to get the hell away from me! hahaha!"

 

Many girls your age aren't looking for a man child.

 

I think your dating range on their should be much older than 21-34. Women do look at this too.

[Slimpee]

Dougie, first read this excerpt from link removed article

 

 

And then go read the link removed of the article.

 

Do it. It answers every question you ask on ENA.

[blueidealist24]

I thought "I'm really good at: making the day fun. I try not be such a serious guy" was ok, but maybe the "If I am... you know it's time to get the hell away from me!" could go.. it sounds like you might have some spontaneous flare-up of temper or something, even though I know it was meant to be a joke. You can't be too careful online though as a woman.

[memento]

I thought "I'm really good at: making the day fun. I try not be such a serious guy" was ok, but maybe the "If I am... you know it's time to get the hell away from me!" could go.. it sounds like you might have some spontaneous flare-up of temper or something, even though I know it was meant to be a joke. You can't be too careful online though as a woman.

 

Yeah, It doesn't seem soo bad, but women dissect everything. I'm mainly thinking about the age bracket...

 

Online dating is rough for men. We have to use all the info on the psychology of women to succeed!