I'M GOING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cecil de Volange]

Honestly, I am having a very difficult time moving on. I was involved with this man in the spring session of college for a few months although he did not turn out the way I wanted him to be. He use to be the perfect guy, and I deeply love this person. He was my first kiss, my first date, the first guy who had the courage to meet my parent's to ask permission to take me out to dinner, and he was my first on every innocent meaning of first (Except sex, he wants to do it, but I don't because I do not want to dishonor my family). He also have Attention deficit Disorder, but I didn't discriminate him about it then next thing I soon realized how severe his disorder was. He would verbablly abuse me and say every negative words in the dictionary at me, but I tried to understand. I ended it to save us both from our unhappiness, well he was happy, I was having minor depression because of his bluntness self.

Now here is the problem which is every wednesday I always stay at school just to catch a glimpse of his face or probably I am hoping he would approach me and say that he would want to get back together. Although the part that he would be with me again is just a figment of the imagination. I know he sees me when he walks by, but he never approach me which means his probably avoiding me. A part of my heart still loves him very deeply, What can I do to have him back? Well, I can't do anything to get him back because he moved on already which means he has a girlfriend. I guess he has another person to be verbablly abusive at, but he does say "hi" to me. I just feel very lonely like I need him for a sense of security... I don't want to be alone....

Somehow I feel like Camille Claudel, the lover of Auguste Rene Rodin (the famous sculptor) Camille went insane losing Rodin and having difficulty moving on. Couple years later she was admitted to a mental institution. I am very much afraid that I might end up like her.

I am somehow slowly drifting into madness and about to lose my sanity.

I was very much insane for three months when I broke up with him. I would lock myself in my room crying with a broken heart. I would sometimes throw and break objects every where, and sometimes I would be in a corner rocking myself with tears and whispering to myself "He said he loves me...he said I was the one....It was faith he told..." I thought about slicing my wrist ( not in a suicide way) to experience pain. The stimuli of the pain makes all of the painful memories go away yet I decided to throw myself down the stairs to experience that pain. I tend to be like this when I'm having relationship problems or loosing someone I love. From this very day I still kept on repeating my ways to inflict pain to myself. Probably the readers would think "Yup! She's crazy", or "She has so many self-inflicted psychological issues, what a pathetic woman." I just want to have him back. He once said he loves me although he was drunk when he said it on the phone, but I know a part of him did love me. I don't know why I pursue this incompetent imbecile with a slight psychological disorder who has no ambition or a sense of priority. Probably I just want him in an intimate way.......probably I am pusuing an illusion......I am just having difficulty....help me....please help me.... God, please help me...why can't he be eradicated inside my mind....WHY!!!

[Scout]

Well, I do think you have at least put him up on a pedestal, but you're not crazy - you actually acknowledge at the end of your post that he's got some problems of his own.

 

Might it just be that you waited so long to meet someone who showed you love and attention, so the break-up is causing you more pain because of this? You do realize that love will come knocking again, don't you?

 

It's ok to acknowledge that you hurt, it's ok to grieve. What's not ok is to emotionally beat yourself up and call yourself names. Why add more pain to what you're already experiencing?

 

It helps to really look at the reasons why we miss someone. Often, those reasons have little to do with the actual person. Keep sharing your story with us, we're here for you. And read other posts, you'll find a lot of good information.

[bnybrain]

Oh, you're so sweet and cute! Not pathetic. You simply have a very expressive way of showing your feelings, whether it be via physical attributions. I have good news for you: What you're feeling is a side-effect, a by product of the damage he has done. Here's the deal, you met him, you were expecting a decent guy. What you received in return was an unstable man who puts you down. That's the first thing to note in your relationship. He put you down. When someone is in an intimate relationship, not necessarily sexual, they become open. Just as you were open. The risk in that, which being open really is a beautiful thing, is that you may allow harm to enter. That is the case with you. But by the time you realized what he was doing, how he was mistreating you beyond explanation, you had already formed a bond with him. But a bond that was obviously broken, meaning you dumped him. Don't we all wish it would end there? Wouldn't life be magical if that was so?

 

It didn't end there. You're peron-to-person communication may have been axed, but your emotional connection still lingered. Here's the hard part. Especially since your are a bright vocal individual and you express yourself more boldly than others.

 

The key thing to make a note of is that the loving feelings you are feeling for this imbesol is normal. In actuality you don't love him- and are far from it. But you're lonely. You need to be consoled, you even might need to be held. You're feeling feelings of doubt and insecurity because you need to be reassured. In many cases, this feeling of "reassurance" and "acceptance" that you seek is a result of him putting you down. His put downs had an effect on you. You're simply feeling inadequate right now because he tried to make you feel that way. And again, in many cases, the individual who is put down by the abuser, often times seeks the approval of the actual abuser himself. This is because they are sometimes lead to believe, in their condition, that the only person who may supply them with feelings of worthiness is the person who took that away from them, your ex-boyfriend in this case. He took your self-worth away and now you think he may possibly be the only one who may replinish it. Which is why you hang around on Wednesday nights, why you still think about him, and most importantly why you cant eradicate him from your thoughts. Realizing what I've just told you is the first step to stepping away from his abusive spirit.

 

You're probably wondering why he would be mean to you or why he would critize you by being verbally menacing to you. To be on your way to healing, you need to understand this. Understanding that it is not your fault and that there is NOTHING wrong with you is pertinent. Probably you've even doubted yourself only on the basis that he put you down. This again is natural because when someone puts us down we automatically assume there really might be something wrong with us. Its hard to come to the realization that there really is nothing wrong with us- that the problem is the abuser.

 

On a final note, I hope that you will start to take care of yourself. He didn't take care of you, will never take care of anyone. The only person he cares about is himself. There are people like this in the world and than there are good people. Heal. Don't wait to sneak a peak at the monster anymore, he's trash. You're better and you need to tell yourself that. Have fun, try to do things entertaining that distract you. Be happy an even try to laugh. This is the time to spoil yourself.

 

Best Wishes

Hannah

[Scout]

Wow, Hannah - that was absolutely wonderful and ACCURATE advice. Lively applause from my PC to your's!

[bnybrain]

Thank you! From my PC to yours! I only hope that Cecil de Volange hope agrees...

 

 

Sincerely,

Hannah

[Cecil de Volange]

for everyone who has responded from the story of my tormented heart. I would like to say thank you for all your sympathies and your kindness for at least caring for my health. I have so many scars inflicted in my body which I have to cover with my clothes. Thank you for all your kind words. Although I cannot guarantee that I would be alright, my scars are still fresh, and it is just difficult to let go.

 

An advice for everyone who had their heart broken before is to not follow the path I have been through. My seclusioness led me to my own destruction of severely hurting myself. Fight back and Rise up, not by pushing yourself into destruction.

[savannahohsavannah]

it'a a psychiatric one. Cutting oneself to ease pain is a symptom of this problem. Are you in therapy? You say that you hide your scars? Well there are many people with this problem, some of the famous. Put into Google, "famous self-injurers" there is a web page devoted entirely to them. Fiona Apple is one, Elizabeth Wurtzel is another. And the list is longer still. Please get help now...you don't have to live with this pain.

Hugs

Savannah