Her birthday is coming up, should I call?

[stomacstress]

I broke up with my gf 4 weeks ago after we had been dating for 13 months. We were often fighting because both of us didn't trust each other. I felt unhappy and scared, our personalities didn't match and since we had lost the trust needed to heal a declining long distance relationship, I ended it. She didn't expect that I would want to give up and she was hoping we could salvage the relationship. She didn't want me to leave, but went NC after 2 weeks. Our lack of trust was so important, I don't think she really knows why I dumped her.

I've been keeping NC, except for a few short phone calls and emails just after the breakup. Her b'day is coming up in 2 weeks. I could send a happy b'day email and give my ex the message that I am not angry at her, that I used to think that the relationship had potential and I loved her, that I now think it would not work out, and that I am not a person who would forget her b'day. BUT, I would not want her to read anything else in this. I don't want us to get back together, nor remain friends.

 

If the roles were reversed (if she had dumped me), I would know that she is thinking about my b'day, but I would not want to receive any message from her.

I'm not sending her any b'day message unless I get a compelling reason to do so. I just want to read other opinions.

[StandTall]

Ask yourself what good can come from this, and you shall have your answer.

[Hoss]

If you don't want to rekindle the relationship or remain friends, don't send anything. It will either confuse her or hurt her. It sounds like you are a stand up guy and you do not really want to hurt her.

[Confused and hurt]

Sorry....I'm a little biased. My birthday was yesterday and I got nothing from him. I am very sad and upset. I wouldn't take his message or call as meaning anything other than happy birthday.

[Scout]

This is a tough call. Either way, she could be hurt: by reading too much into if you send her a card, or upset that you didn't contact her. And of course, you can't exactly send a card that says "Happy Birthday, but don't read anything into this."

 

If I were in your shoes, I might send an email that said something along the lines of "Just wanted you to know that even if it's some time before we can be friends, I'm thinking of you on your birthday and hoping it's a happy day for you."

 

She'll still have a mixed reaction, but it's letting her know you're not totally insensitive to the fact that it's her bday.

 

What do you think?

[stomacstress]

Hi Scout, it's not going to be a happy day for her, so I can't wish her that... And we can't be friends ever (long story ), so I can't even write any of what you suggest.

At best I could email "I'm thinking of you on your birthday, but I can't be there." And even that message feels like too much interest in her from my part. It is going to give her some hope of remaining friends - that's not what I want her to believe. I still agree with StandTall and Hoss.

 

I saw your post yesterday, Confuced and hurt, and noticed that someone wished you a happy birthday. So forgive me if I'm one day late:

"I wish you a good year to come for you! Accept that your ex did not want to stay with you. I wish you meet someone you can appreciate and love, and someone who will love you back."

 

I am writing this hoping that someone else will say the same to my ex-girlfriend. I still don't have a reason to send her anything myself.

[Scout]

If this is how the situation is with your ex, then I see no purpose in sending her any kind of birthday wish. The relationship is definitely over, on every level, and there's not much point in contacting with her, sorry. I would say this is the exception, but it sounds like your break up was pretty bad and she's not in a good place right now, and any contact from you would be received negatively. I can't think of one single thing you could say in a birthday wish that would be appropriate to the situation and not sound cold at the same time.

 

I'd honestly just drop this idea if I were you.

[raccoon]

I think I can offer a compelling reason to send a card. I think it's the right thing to do. Here's why--

 

If my ex (who dumped me) didn't make any contact at all on my birthday 4 weeks after a breakup, I'd probably spend most of the day thinking "when's he gonna call?!? When's he gonna e-mail? I know he will!! Ring phone, Ring!" And then I'd feel like crap when midnight comes and I got nothing.

 

However, if a few days before my birthday I got a card saying, "Happy birthday, and have a drink for me!" I'd be free to enjoy my day. The person I cared about was considerate, and there's nothing in the message to indiacte that he's going to make any further contact. In fact, just the opposite. It says he's not going to be there, so don't wait by the phone. She'll be free to enjoy her day. And you're off the hook.

 

Good luck,

 

D

[stomacstress]

Hi raccoon, sorry to hear that you were expecting a phone call from your ex for your birthday.

 

During the last conversation with my ex, she asked me "you're not going to call, are you?" to which I answered "No." She shouldn't be expecting anything from me, that's too bad if she thinks otherwise. It's been 3 weeks without contact now and I think she understands. She doesn't expect me to be there either, this was a 300 miles long distance relationship...

 

And yes Scout, the break up was pretty bad. I got out of an abusive relationship (verbal and psychological) and I don't have any regrets. I only figured out 4 weeks ago, just after I broke up, that she had many of the symptoms of a borderline personality disorder. When I found this web page:

link removed

and answered yes to too many of the questions, I knew what had happened to me.

 

I wish I had known that earlier and got out before, but I really loved her and dismissed the bad signs for a while. I got hurt, she was the wrong person for me, it was just bad luck, and I don't want to have anything to do with her, ever. I have no bad feelings for her. I don't have good feelings either. I am a compassionate guy just trying to heal.

She won't be happy either way, birthday wish from me or not. She won't get anything from me.

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Stomacstres,

 

Thanks for your kind birthday words.

 

You said that you had a bad breakup because you were in an abusive relationship. Can you please specify what kinds of things your ex did to you to make you feel so betrayed? The only reason I ask is that I think my ex might feel that I was the same way with him and that scares me because I didn't hate him...in fact I loved him more than anything. I was just going through alot of stress in my life and I got too comfortable

 

Thanks

[raccoon]

Hey Stomacstres,

 

I take it all back, I didn't know it was an abusive relationship... in that case you are exactly correct. My idea of sending a card was one of etiquitte, but it doesn't work in your situation. I agree, you shouldn't make any further contact with her.

 

Oh, and yes I got dumped almost two months ago, but my birthday isn't until the spring. I'll be ok by then.

 

Cheers!

[stomacstress]

Hi Confused and hurt,

Just by the way you ask your question makes me think that your situation is different. I would not have dumped her only for being 'too comfortable'.

Sure, I felt that she was taking me for granted. But she also had a terrible fear of abandonment. To protect herself, she would question me & test my limits in some very disturbing ways. She was worse than being too comfortable, I perceived her as being mean.

Let me list some specific things that happened. We argued about so many things, it's easy to give you a few...

Once I told her that I didn't want us to stay apart for too long (we were in a long distance relationship). I said that at some point in the future, she could move here or I would move to her city. She asked me how long I could wait before doing that. I answered that in 5 years at most, hopefully less, I would want to move to her town. She actually started criticizing me yelling that she wasn't worth waiting even 10 years! She was blaming me for wanting to be with her as soon as possible? That didn't make sense. The scary thing is this: I knew that she spent almost 4 years with another ex bf before she said no to his proposal to marry her. Her behaviour looked like she was so afraid to commit that she could never do it.

At some point I found she was actually taking me for granted. So I compensated by being overly romantic, hoping she would respond positively. I told myself, "give and don't ask". But she complained about that too and told me to stop... I didn't know what to do.

During one argument, she forced me to say that she was a pain in the butt. In another argument, she wanted me to tell her that she was a b*tch! I never did (I never thought she was). What was that for? I am not exactly sure.

On my b'day, she said she had to think about some issues we had & didn't want to come to my b'day dinner. Just a day before the dinner, she asked me "do you forgive me for not coming?" I said that I did. Then, she told me she had a plane ticket & was going to make the trip to be here for my b'day dinner. Of course I was happy she was here, but I was very disturbed by what she had done. As if she was treating me the worse way she could to see how I would react and if I would still want to be with her.

These are specific examples of the kind of things she was throwing at me. There was emotional blackmail, false accusations (that I was an axe murderer, an abuser...), unreasonable jealousy (she asked me if I had a crush on her best friend...), she talked often about her many ex bf, she often used sarcasm to avoid meaningful discussions, & all sorts of other things I couldn't live with... Being exposed to this kind of treatment day after day was not making me happy.

 

I think it was because she was hurt in her past that she reacted like that. She is a very sensitive person & she put up barriers and manipulated me when she saw a potential risk of losing me, and I ended up getting hurt & punished because of her past. Week after week, I had to cope with this abuse. I was complaining and she was telling me she would change, but she would do something else just as disturbing. It was part of her personality too, so it was hard to change. She managed to erode my self esteem & my trust in her. I went for some psychological help, only 4 months into the relationship, after she had told me something very disturbing (too personal to write here). Later, I wanted her to go with me to the psychologist, but she gave me the cold shoulder. (It felt as if she wanted to make sure I wouldn't dump her when she would finally reveal a terrible secret she had. ??)

 

Based on what I know of her, the psychologist determined that she has 3 of the 5 symptoms of a borderline personality disorder. So she is not in great trouble, she should get over her past, try to be nicer & turn the page...(easier said than done) But I am a sensitive person, not the person for her... She didn't hate me, I know that. She acknowledged that I was very nice to her. She never told me that she loved me though... I loved her at some point, but the love was eroded away by what she did to me. She is a person with a certain type of personality, I have a very different personality, and the combination made us hurt each other. It didn't work, and could never work.

 

I must admit that I have written more explanations here than I ever told her. But telling her became impossible since we lost the trust needed to communicate. In the end, what counts for me is that I am better off without her. What counts for her is to realize she can't force me back into a relationship that hurts me, that would just end up in a disaster. Of course, I will be thinking about her on her b'day and other anniversaries... As painful as it may be, I'll have to accept that it is better if we are not together. I hope she will think the same way. The story is certainly different for you, Confused and hurt, but in the end your ex wanted to leave and may never come back. I hope you will become less confused by reading our stories on eNotAlone.

Everybody deserves a better life...

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Stomacstress-

Thanks so much for your insight. Reading what you wrote gave me the chills....I acted very much like your ex did. You are right on the money when you say that you think her behaviour was motivated by being hurt in the past...at least I know that's why I acted the way I did. That, coupled with the fact that there were alot of bad things happening in my life that I didn't know how to deal with. I couldn't face my own issues so I began to think that it was him who was making me unhappy. Boy was I wrong! I failed to realize that the one person who loved me the most and would go to the ends of the earth for me was the one who I was hurting tremendously.

 

Anyhow, being broken up for 2 months, I have realized all these things. I have honestly acknowledged all the horrible things I did and am truly remorseful for having acted that way. My only hope now is that I will get a second chance to show him that I am still the kind, loving person he fell in love with....not the wicked witch that he saw towards the end of the relationship. I don't know how I will ever get the chance to show him that I have changed since he does not want to speak to me right now because it is too hard for him and because he is seeing someone else who probably makes him feel happy, loved and desired. If this is the case, then I am truly happy for him because I love him unconditionally...no matter how many mean things he has done to me since the break up. I guess I just have to face reality....I had his heart once and I didn't know how to care for it properly....I don't know if I will get a second chance. But I do know that I am eternally grateful for having had the opportunity to know him and love him.

 

Once again...thanks for your insight.

[SilverSurfer]

stomacstress,

 

read your post and was amazed by how strikingly similar your situation is to mine. we dated for about 8 months, and despite all the problems we were having, i just didn't know what was going on. i ended the relationship, only to later learn i put through quite a bit of verbal and emotional abuse. this was some 3 months ago, and only last week did i pick up a book on BPD, and realised that her behaviour exhibited the symptoms of BPD. i'm no psychologist, but i've looked around several websites, and it's helped me understand why she behaved the way she did.

 

the last week has been some sort of real nirvana for me. i've always said i've let go of the bitterness and resentment, but i realised i never did. but this week was different, and my feelings and mood have held up the whole week.

 

back on topic, her birthday is this weekend, and i too am having difficulties deciding if i should send her a e-card. we're both foreign students studying at the same university overseas, so i'm bound to see her every day for a year when school starts. i'm glad to have read about BPD (the book: Stop Walking on Eggshells is a must read).

 

originally i arrived at the same conclusion, that whether i dropped a card or not she wouldn't be happy. but it's not about making her happy is it? like you mentioned, you want to tell her that you didn't forget her birthday. i want to communicate to her that i still do *care* for her, and knowing about BPD has made it much, much easier to accept her past actions. i do not however, want the relationship back. like you, i've accepted the fact that our personalities do not fit, however good the good times may have been.

 

yet i'm still healing, and don't want to be hoovered in by communicating with her so soon (school starts in 3 weeks, gives me a bit more time). sheesh!

 

just penning some thoughts, am rather confused at the moment...

[stomacstress]

SilverSurfer,

your avatar reminds of me and my ex (except for the hair color! ). Where did you get it?

In any case, I read all your posts (starting from your first one in April...). That's scaring me a lot to see that even after 5 months, you are still confused! It seems that you and I won't be sending a 'Happy Birthday' card this weekend. Reading your post I see that 'you do not want the relationship back', but you 'still do *care* for her'. Looks like you are not over her yet. But then, I read my own posts and guess what? I see that I am not over my ex either!

Is it that I still have some hope that we could change and somehow become compatible?

I am also rather confused...

 

Confused and hurt,

you say there were a lot of bad things happening in your life that you didn't know how to deal with. You realized that you hurt your ex because you couldn't face your own issues. Reading your older posts of July, it seems the problems really started 2 months before the break up (unlike my situation).

If you could get a second chance, what would you do to show him that you are the kind, loving person he fell in love with? After two months, have you resolved/accepted the bad things happening in your life? And how do you think he should behave if you two should get together again? (Assuming things don't work out with his curent gf!)

 

I must admit it, I am looking for some hope ...

[SilverSurfer]

stomacstress,

 

i chanced upon the avatar from someone else's website. thought it was SO fitting

 

i won't deny the fact i'm hoping she will one day change. yet i know that this is a near impossible thing, and even if she were to accept what she's done, any change would take a long time. we're both a year away from graduation and trying a 2nd time for a relationship would mean having to change career plans for one of us. this seems an unlikely outcome, so i really do have the answer in front of me. this is my one weakness, holding out for an optimistic outcome even when the odds are really stacked against it.

 

the posts you've read were written some time back; i didn't read about BPD till only a week ago. much of the confusion has since been cleared. i've finally understood why she behaved the way she did and i'm able to finally accept her actions wholly.

 

you're right, i've decided that i shouldn't send a birthday card this weekend. it will make little difference and i'm putting myself at risk of unnecessary hurt. which bits are you confused with? feel free to drop me a pm.

[stomacstress]

I am confused about my reaction to the break up...

 

On the one hand, I know that our personalities are too different. We could never get along together, and it will always be that way. She has a destructive effect on me. So I should be happy to be out of the relationship.

 

On the other hand, whenever something reminds me something nice about her (an anniversary [we first met a year ago, after 50 days of emails], her b'day, some places we went together, etc...), I get all tense and feel bad because of how good I thought things could have been. But things were not good...

 

I'm hurting for no good reason! But there is still this urge to send her a b'day card, or to call my ex and tell her she's not the only one who feels bad. Why?

And I would like that pain to go away in less time than several months

[SilverSurfer]

you're hurting for a good reason, you still have feelings for her. but your mind has to be stronger than your heart here, because we both know that our feelings will bring us nowhere with our exes. i used to hold out for change, but as each day goes by, i'm becoming more and more convinced that change will never happen quick enough. read the forums on link removed... as well as link removed. there's quite a bit of information that's useful -- although i find that most of the posters on these sites tend to be rather forceful with their posts at times, because they have been painfully affected by abusive / BPD loves ones.

 

as for the pain going away... i guess there's no quick shortcut here. it's taking me ages, but recently i've been getting much better alot faster. time does heal...

 

everytime i'm tempted to communicate with her, i remind myself of what happened the last time i tried. it was a disaster... she switched within a matter of days and everything just came crumbling down... with immense hurt on my part. i don't want it happening again, ever.

[Confused and hurt]

Stomacstress -

 

If I get a second chance, I will do everything to show that I have changed because I really have....and the best part is that since I have been apart from him for 3 months, the changes have been for myself and not for him. See it wasn't so much a personality thing with us....just bad timing. I have realized that I was handling alot of stressfult things in my life improperly and taking things out on him when I should not have been. I would like to have an open, honest relationship with him without miscommunication. I have a more positive outlook on life and I now know that problems are best dealt with by communication instead of bottling emotions up inside. I am the same person he fell in love with....if he even really loved me at all. Maybe I am just fooling myself that love was really there on his part.

 

I feel that I have done all I can for the time being. We had a long talk after I saw him for the first time with the new girl. I didn't get mad about him being with her which in itself should show him that I have changed. Instead, I told him that I accepted responsibilty for all the negative things I had done to him and for treating him so badly. I even wrote him a letter that I gave to him that night which said that I loved him so much that I wanted what was best for him and going to make him happy....even if it meant being with someone else. I really do feel that way...I wasn;t just saying things. I now know that I had the world in front of me....I just didn't know how to care for it. I told him all these things, but either he didn't care or didn't believe me.

 

If we were going to give this another shot, I would expect him to apologize to me also. He has done alot of hurtful things to me since the break up. Although I understand why he does such things, it doesn't chnage the fact that they still hurt. He has also been dishonest with me about a few things...whether out of trying to protect my feelings or not being man enough to tell the truth...I don't know. I would expect an apology from him and an open mind. We would both have to acceot the fact that re-building our relationship is gonna take hard work and be up for that challenge. What I would not want is him to come back to me out of loneliness only after the new girl breaks up with him...I want him to come back because he genuinley realizes that he loves me and wants to make things work with me because that is what is best for him. I also would not want the type of realtionship where I would have to feel like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time because I don't think that is fair either. If you decide to give someone a second chance, it should be without resentment and with an open mind...like starting a relationship from scratch.

 

Those are just my thoughts...maybe I am delusional for even holding onto a thread of hope....

[SilverSurfer]

Confused and hurt,

 

If you decide to give someone a second chance, it should be without resentment and with an open mind...like starting a relationship from scratch.

 

you summed it up really well here! i'd just like to add that the 2nd chance applies not only to a loving relationship, but also to friendships as well. good to know you've managed to identify the issues that affected the both of you. many times we're so caught up with our own issues and the fact that the relationship didn't work out that we forget to analyze the situation from the other person's perspective.

 

my advice to you would be to take things slowly, and expect nothing out of it. sometimes, when we realise certain things (especially with issues of the heart), the resulting euphoria makes us move a little too quickly. since everything's starting from scratch, and both of you have changed, expect new issues / problems.

 

only you can tell if that thread of hope is worth holding on to; if you want him back in your life, then it's definitely worth working on it!

[Confused and hurt]

Silversurfer-

Thanks for your kind words of advice. It is true that in coming to realizations about how you acted to bring about the ending of your relationship makes you want to act quickly to fix things. The problem is that the dumper may not necessarily want to fix them at the moment because they are getting over their hurt, anger or resentment or because they just want to move on. Yes, it is good that I came to grips with whatever I contributed, but I feel badly that I will prbably never be able to show my ex how much I have realized and how far I have come.

 

I definitely want him in my life and I know that it is soooo worth whatever work will be involved. The problem lies in the fact that he is with someone new right now (got with her a week after we split!) and that we have no contact at the moment (he still claims that it is too hard to talk to me and he even claims that he "forgot" my birthday). Having hope is a good thing...but having false hope will only set you up for a fall. I am trying to figure out whether I should hold onto any hope at all!

 

Thanks

[stomacstress]

Confused and hurt,

I agree too, as you wrote: "If you decide to give someone a second chance, it should be without resentment and with an open mind...like starting a relationship from scratch." And this even means that you should not even expect him to apologize to you for the hurtful things he did to you since the break up...

 

And if, for some reason, I were to come back to my ex, I would like to start from scratch. However, I would be much more intolerant to the signs that would raise red flags, by fear of getting hurt again. So my advice to you, Confused and hurt, is to be even better than the person he fell in love with.

 

I am a bit concerned about the fact that he started going out with this other girl one week after the split, I find that very fast! I am sure though he didn't forget your b'day, he is just saying that so you stop talking to him. If he breaks up with his current gf and he wants to get back with you, he will call you. Let him do that!

 

Another important thing you wrote is that you changed for yourself and not for him. Keep that in mind. I find that's what is helping me to heal...

[stomacstress]

SilverSurfer,

thanks a lot for your advice and the recommended web sites. I read something very relevant on link removed:

 

" Actions speak louder than words. Your partner knew exactly what you wanted to hear and said or implied it. Think: this person claimed to love you. "

Well, my ex actually never said she loved me! She went as far as 'I am very fond of you.'

 

" Did she behave lovingly over time? Do you behave like your partner towards people you love? "

Actually, no, I don't behave like she did towards people I love.

 

" Promises, promises. Your partner may be back and may promise you the world. She really, really means it! She means it for as long as long as it takes to regain your trust. As soon as you become comfortable in the relationship, your partner will do something to mess things up. They can't help it. As much as they crave closeness, they fear it more. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this, but save yourself from it. "

 

" Loss of Reality or Fantasy? Did you lose something you really had? Or did you lose a promise that never quite materialized? Did you lose a happy life, or the prospect of a happy life? How much of the time were you really happy? It is likely you are mourning the dream of what could be as opposed to the reality of what was. Check it out. "

This seems like a good idea for me (in order to loose my feelings for my ex and stop hurting).

 

And then I read somewhere else:

" Obsessing is a symptom and just another way of not facing reality.

 

1- Chill out and begin to problem solve. This is the time to sit with yourself and notice your feelings and what information they are trying to convey. Be objective and honest with yourself. Take your time and weigh your available options.

 

2- Sit with what is uncomfortable or sad. Notice it. What is it telling you?

 

3- Let it go. Get on with the rest of life. "

 

I have been reading a lot these past few weeks, and I have talked to many people and exchanged information on e-forums. I have enough information to go to step 2. Then I'll quit this enotalone forum for a while (because right now I am using it to hold on to the little hope of getting back with my ex!)

 

Whenever I surf this web site, I get chest pains. I think it is caused by stomach stress...

[SilverSurfer]

i'm glad you found those websites useful... they definitely helped me realise what i was up against. it's taken me some 4-5 months to reach step 3. i'm nearly there... almost... almost. i really feel as if i've gotten back what i lost... and more.

 

realise that we were dealing with a borderline personality... it's different from what others had. we didn't have a healthy relationship, the rules of getting back together don't apply when the relationship is abusive.

 

here's a little advice which i've found useful -- whenever you find yourself thinking of your ex, or the relationship... just pause and (force yourself to) smile. it helps to let go of the painful memories. Perhaps it will solve your chest pains as well.

 

good luck walking the road to closure and healing yourself... i walked that road this summer.

[stomacstress]

After 4 weeks of strict NC, my ex called me. She asked how I was doing, told me she forgives me for what I've done (I don't know exactly what for, I've done many bad things) and then she said that she has changed. I fell in the trap for a while (we talked 40 minutes) then I felt the same as before: arguing with her. I don't want to be with her, she wants me back, she DOESN'T respect me nor my decision, I'm trying to explain that to her. But she won't understand, it's been like that for the last 9 months and we never came to some understanding...

It felt bad, I told her I had to go and that was the end of our conversation.

 

She left me a message asking me to forgive her (I already did forgive her 2 months ago, but then she was telling me that she didn't feel sorry for what she was doing!)...

 

 

You are right SilverSurfer, I see what happens when we communicate - a real disaster! Next time she calls, I'll have to tell her not to call me anymore and politely say goodbye and hang up.