How to work through conflict.

[exhibitA]

I've been with my guy for about 3 mo. He has a lot of wonderful qualities, is caring, kind, and I believe we want the same thing out of a relationship. However, we both have some difficult baggage, I suppose. I'm 37, he's 42. I have fears of being lied to, and being too naive to recognize it. I try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt and I have had the experience of ppl taking advantage of that. My guy, has had some pretty rough experiences, been treated poorly in the past. He's very slow because of it, but he wants a relationship. We've been moving forward, but slowly. It's been good so far.

 

We have two issues, both of which hit us over the weekend simultaneously. First, the handful of times we've tried to sleep in the same bed, it's been difficult. I have trouble sleeping in new places for a while, so both times I've tried to sleep at his place I couldn't. I apparently snore, so when he slept at my place it kept him up. This is becoming a "thing" and it's bothering me a lot. I think I can solve my end of it by taking something to help me sleep when I'm over (just sleepytime tea or reading would probably help a lot), but that doesn't solve the snoring thing (not sure I do it all the time, but I dunno). I'm afraid he might be hesitant to try anymore bc of what happened over the weekend (see below).

 

The second thing is that he sometimes cancels things at the last minute. He's done this twice, and both times I got really paranoid and thought he was lying, making up a reason, etc. It's kind of silly because I have no basis that HE would do that, he seems like a very honest person and I actually do trust him. But I get really wigged out when he cancels. It's like I worry I cannot trust my intuition about people, because in teh past I've had the experience of thinking I could trust someone and finding out I was completely wrong, that I was being lied to and manipulated. I just doubt my own judgment in situations where I have no way of verifying if somethign is true. I am working through it, and personally I think I can get over it with him in time.

 

So, things I thought, were going very well between us. He had said he wanted to see more of me, and get closer. We made plans to see each ohter more frequently. This was a big step for him because he is very cautious. We made plans to get together the next night. He canceled due to a stomach ache. I just thought it was possibly a bullcrap excuse and i told him that while I am not sure, it seems possible that it is and explained my fears. I was convinced he had changed his mind, was pulling away, something like that. I can't handle that kind of up and down, push and pull, and it worried me a lot that it might be going on. He reassured me it wasn't.

 

We had plans to get together the next day (made before I flipped about canceling) and I asked him about it in the morning. We had a snow storm, so it seemed unlikely we could do what we planned, but he invited me over. We just watched TV, hung out. I told him I was sorry about getting upset that he canceled. He said he just wished I wouldnt think the worst and ended the convo. We went to go eat and he brought it up again. I felt like there wasn't much we could say in public about it, as we were now takin about a lot of heavy stuff about our pasts. We decided to go home and have a discussion, which I thought went very well. I thought we were in a better place after that. He was very reassuring.

 

Then he wanted me to spend the nigth, so I did, but I just couldnt' sleep. I was tossing and turning and keeping him up. Eventually we decided I should leave. I was very upset about it, he thought it was him, something to do with his bed, apartment, our discussion, just convincd "somethign was wrong". Really I just am a very light sleeper. He said he didn't understand why I would be so upset about leaving if that's all it was. I was upset bc I feel like we cannot sleep in the same bed, that it's become a problem now and I don't know what to do.

 

Next day I ask him if everything is alright, apologize for being unable to sleep, etc. I now am worried I've blown things. I worry there's been too much drama, too much angst, and he's going to want out. I think there are bad feelings between us now and I want to make it better and get back to where things were between us. I am not sure how to do it. I asked if he wanted to get together tonight, because I would like to have some nice time together and enjoy ourselves and sort of encourage good feelings between us, but he said he might have to do something and he'd let me know later.

I am just so sad that I may have ruined a good thing by being fearful, and by having problems sleepign at his place which he apparenlty takes personally.

 

I don't know what steps to take next. I think the problems are not insurmountable, but how do I let him know it's going to be ok?

[RedDress]

I think that you let him know that it's going to be ok by being ok. You already know what you need to do. Next time you go to his, bring a big box of that tea. If you start tossing and turning, quietly get up and go drink some.

 

I see how you were upset. But... really, some people don't see the bigger picture. He sees it as you going home cause you couldn't sleep one time. You see it as a lifetime of separate bedrooms. lol!

 

As for when he sleeps at yours? My bf snores like a chainsaw. It's ridiculous! I remember never being able to sleep around him either. I also have a problem in new places... combined with HIS snoring... and oh my goodness. I didn't sleep a wink. My solution? Ear plugs. Seriously. They work.

 

You can't control whether he'll throw in the towel or not. You can't control if one day he will lie to you. Have you heard the expression "let go and let God"? That's exactly what you need to do. Let go and let the universe take care of all that. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Just work on being ok.

 

Hope that helps!

[camus154]

Talk to him. Tell him everything you're telling us. Tell him you're aware that you tend to jump to the worst conclusion and that's not fair to him (because it's not), admit that you can see how this would push him away (which it will), and then validate that you can see how he'd mistake the sleeping issue as "punishment", but that it really is just a sleeping issue.

 

And then hopefully he will believe you and chill, and you will chill, and you both will get back to...you know....actually enjoying each other.

[exhibitA]

Well I did try to say those things. We talked about all that the other night before I had the sleep problem and I thought, and he thought, that we were in a better place. Then I couldn't sleep and he thought it was him and it was like all of it was undone. He said yesterday that he was confused because he tried hard to reassure me and thought were were in a better place, only to have me leave "for whatever reason." I told him the reason! I left bc my tossing and turning was keeping him up! I really didn't want to!

 

And I wanted to get together tonight because I want to get back to normal and kind of correct things (our schedules won't let us get toghter until the weekend if not tonight). He says he can't tonight, though (we actually had plans to get together tonight before all this happened, so once again I'm paranoid that it's not that he has something he needs to do but that he doesn't want to see me).

I think it's too late, and I think I've blown it, and I'm really very sad about it.

[DylanNotorious]

I think your focusing too hard on trying to be perfect (or your idea of perfect for him) when really, just relax a bit more. So you snore, he'll get over it. Just laugh and say jokingly "It's not my fault" and then try the steps that Reddress suggested by getting up and trying to have a cup of tea or whatever. As for the fearing he's lying, well you will never be able to tell for sure, just like the rest of us won't ever be able to tell in our own love lifes - you just got to have faith, and believe that things are fine. You really do see signs at the end of the day when things arn't right. So just try to enjoy the relationship as Camus has said, and just try to calm yourself down when you start feeling anxious.

[exhibitA]

Well, I wish I even knew if things are going to be ok. He said he needs time to process things, that he isn't blowing me off. Yet we had plans for tonight that apparently aren't happening because something came up. He is super loosely goosey about his schedule, but still. He said he'd let me know today if we could get together. I know he won't want to because there are bad feelings between us. I just literally feel sick to my stomach about it and wish things were good between us. I am super sad and upset that I pushed him away right when we were getting closer. I think I ruined everything.