I messed up

[jimbobday]

So after 2.5 months no contact I messed up the other day and messaged my ex apologizing for my part in the break up.

 

I feel horrible. Like I betrayed myself and I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards

[JA0371]

Did your ex respond?

[cbzfmoc]

Ugh. I did the same thing, except only 1 week after my BU. It was the last (and only) time I broke NC, but yeah it made me feel pretty bad too, especially since I got no response from the ex.

[jimbobday]

Yea my ex did respond asking what prompted that. I said that I wanted to take some accountability and grow the * * * * up. She said interesting then we sent a few messages backwards and forwards just about random things.

 

I guess I have inner conflict I feel like I want to be with her even though I know we dont work together

[doiiiieeezie]

So after 2.5 months no contact I messed up the other day and messaged my ex apologizing for my part in the break up.

 

I feel horrible. Like I betrayed myself and I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards

 

 

You shouldn't feel bad actually, because it helps you release your part in the deal. The ball is in her court and now you can go on with life. Don't beat yourself up.

[jimbobday]

Thanks doiiiieeezie I suppose you are right. I didn't really go pleading for her to come back to me so I can be ok with myself for that even though if i'm honest with myself I know part of the reason I contacted her was neediness the rest me taking accountability for my actions past or present

[RadicalDreamer]

Agreed. If you actually feel you had a part in the breakup (and I'm of the opinion that most breakups do not have one definite "bad guy/gal") doing this was a good way to release yourself. If you feel bad for admitting to it, as though you gave up something you shouldn't... well, I can understand that, but it is a good thing. Too many people try to move past traumatic events by building themselves up and breaking the other person down. Some very extreme situations justify that (physical/verbal abuse, drug addiction, etc.), but most run-of-the-mill ends of relationships are not nearly so simple or one-way, no matter who is dumper or dumpee. If that was a genuine realization on your part, then kudos NO matter what contact you broke, you gained something from acknowledging that, even if it was "mostly" her fault.

 

NC is not a religion, it's a tool. Captain Planet will not melt you with laserbeams if you make an honest admission to your ex. I promise.

 

But if you only did it so that she would talk about things and apologize, or worse, only to try to bring some ground to get back together, you'll be disappointed. She may feel that you're trying to extract an apology from her, and is thus trying to resist doing so. Hence the talking about everything else but. She may be willing to talk about it once she knows it's "safe" to do so. She may also be afraid that if she talks about it too directly, she'll hurt your feelings or give you false hope. One of the reasons that NC is such an effective tool in the first place is because it allows one to distance themselves from the emotional maelstrom. That applies for dumpers too. Just because someone initiates a breakup doesn't mean they're skipping down the lollipop trail in glee. They have to heal and to adjust as well.