well, NC is done and this is what happened.....advice????

[escalade]

well, it's been about 9 months since me and my ex broke up......I started NC about 2 months ago and really stuck to it. However, my ex would always end up Text messaging me here and there. So, on labor day, we happened to be at the same Club. I was with my friends and she was with her friends and her new BF. So, i played the bigger man and did the respectable thing. I went up to her, said hello, and said hello to her new BF(shook his hand). I went on about my business that day, only for her to come up to me about an hour later telling me what a nice thing i did. All of her friends were shocked to see me be the bigger man, and ALL of them had respect for me that day. So, after that day, i've been getting text messages from her every other day. Some were really just meaningless, and others were a round about way of her telling me that she still loves me.

So needless to say, i made plans with her to day to grab lunch. She agreed to it. I picked her up at school and we went out to lunch. She was quick to ask me if I'm dating anybody. My honest response to her was that "I talk to girls, but only on a friendly level right now", nothing serious at this time. So, lunch went really well and we definitely had a good time laughing and just talking about things other than "her and I". So, i went to drop her off and she wanted to spend a few more minutes with me before her next class. So i agreed, and we just sat and talked for a few more minutes about general things. Before she left she kissed me twice on the cheek, thanked me for lunch, then said that she would talk to me soon. I thought our little date went well, even though i knew she was uncomfortable asking me if i was seeing someone.

But this is what i don't get......She has a boyfriend, and according to the news i get, she's in love with him. she started dating him right after i started NC. I'm curious if this new "love" is really love, or just infatuation? Also, if she really was in love would she have met me for lunch? Lastly, her birthday is saturday, is it OK for me to call her just to wish her a happy B-day?

 

What do i make of all of this? I mean, the feelings were still there today when i saw her, and i think i made a positive impression on her. Feedback?

[ryan14]

hello escalade

 

I'm proud of what you did on labor day...what great strength...i wish i could do the same but i can't i'm still weak.

 

I think if you can handle the friends thing just keep it up dont expect more but always make positive moments with her, it's quit obvious that she still have feelings for you and confused.

 

Just be patient her new BF will later discover this and will become insecure that the two of you are talking again as friends, eventually her new BF will get jealous, she will get annoyed with this behaviour and confide her problems with you.

 

Just be a good friend and always be there for her, dont lead her that her BF is not great or something like breaking them apart...just be there and listen.

 

That will make her decide which of you are the best...and i'm quite sure that'll be you.

 

Be cautious and dont get strang by her i mean its not bad to be friends as long as you can handle it and that you've healed.

 

Continue on improving yourself, she'll notice these changes and will gave you a great chance of getting back.

 

good luck and keep us posted

[goddess23]

wow...hmmm...sounds like theres still something there. honestly it could just be that right now her and her bf are going through a tough time and shes taking comfort in you. but it seems that you really impressed her and thats what set off this constant contact. it may just be that she misses you as a person and wants the frienship back, but ofcourse there are still feelings there.

 

about her and her bf, honestly theres no way to tell if its love or not, but it does seem to have some issues, not exactly the PERFECT relationship, however, her spending this extra time with you lately could just be because she misses the friendship but its obvious that this causes feelings to just come back up. just take it day by day, and if she starts sending signals that are really out there, then talk to her about it, see how she feels, but before you do that, figure out how you feel about her. do you want a friendship or romantic relationship? good luck!!

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

From what I can tell you're money baby.

 

But be carful. If she comes on strong, and wants to get back together she better end it with him soon. In court you have direct evidence and circumstantial evidence. From what I can tell you only have circumstantial evidence that she wants to be with you (but then again, she's not really in a position to give you direct evidence). Cricumstanial evidence allows for plauable deniability. If you confront her she can deny any of the "signs" that you've received, "I meant love as a friend," "those were just friendly kisses," you know, all that BS. But either way I think you have a pretty good case that she is still interested in you.

 

But like I said, she better dump the other guy fast. The longer she waits, the more she strings you along, the more she wants to have her cake and eat it too, the more she has both of you, the more indecisive she becomes. So if after a specified time she doesn't come around, and you're sick of being stuck in limbo, you should start NC. Show her that she can't string you along.

[escalade]

thank you for the positive feedback. Well, in my opinion, i do think that she is not "truly" happy. I can see it by the way she looks and just by her overall demeanor. She doesn't look as good as she did when she was with me (not tooting my own horn), but this was just an observation. She told me today that she was going to stop by my house last week after work one night because she was having a terrible night and was not able to drive. She told me she still has the key to my house, and i reassured her that she is ALWAYS welcome to use it if she needs to. I WILL ALWAYS be there for her no matter what! That's just how much i love her and the kind of person i've always been to her. I think she knows that.

 

However, I plan on continuing NC after today, unless of course she calls me. But, i think the right thing to do is call her on her birthday and wish her a great one. I love the girl with all my heart and soul and all i can say is that her happiness makes me happy, together or not.

[escalade]

any more opinions? FEEDBACK?

[Scout]

I've given my feedback in a previous post you put up. If memory serves, this is the girl who is also cheating on her current boyfriend with another guy, too - right?

 

And if she's now texting you, I think she's basically just someone who is not ready to settle down with just one guy, but doesn't have the honesty to admit it to all the guys she's playing.

 

Sorry to be the harsh voice of reason here, but are you sure you want to devote all your love to that kind of person? I'm sure she has her good points, but fidelity doesn't seem to be one of them. Look how quickly she took up with someone after you two broke up. It makes you wonder if she was actually seeing him while she was still with you.

[escalade]

Scout, a few things to clear up: She wasn't cheating on her new boyfriend, just talking to other guys. if you consider that cheating.....then so be it.

 

As far as her getting together with her current boyfriend, well, that happened when i started NC, NOT, right after we split up. if you read my posts correctly, you would have seen that her and I have been apart since the beginning of this year.

 

I truly believe that you are a very bitter person. I know you say that you're just being honest in your opinions, but none of your opinions from what i have read are positive ones. Why is it that others here see this as a postitive STEP in what could be a potential return of a relationship, except for you?

[shockeddismayed]

escalade,

 

I think you handled yourself well when you saw your ex on labour day. Very well done....

 

You seem to have a positive handle on how to act around your ex. But don't let that be your primary focus.... continue to keep your options open.

 

As for your comments toward Scout, they are inappropriate on this forum. She is a moderator and (althoug I KNOW she can speak for herself), I'd like to voice me displeasure with the way you handled her advice. If you want to "call someone out" after they have given you advice on a forum where you have asked for ANYONE's advice, you should have the decency to do it in a private message, where you both the the opportunity to speak plainly....

 

And, sorry to be harsh, but as a newcomer on the forum (and we all were at some point), you DEFINITELY shouldn't be putting the gears to someone who was donated his/her time to keeping this forum up and running.... you know it takes less than 100 posts to "get over" the initial trauma... but if someone is here 1000 posts later, it is because they are GIVING to the forum... not because they are coming here out of a need for validation and advice.

 

I'm sorry if I am harsh, but many of us here have been in the position you are in. The common reaction is to OVERREACT to the first positive signs you see. This is a healthy thing... but most times, these first signals DO NOT lead you to the promised land.

 

I myself have had my EX tell me that the other guy is no more... that seeing him led her back to me... that she still loved me... that she was still IN LOVE with me... and more...

 

Am I back together with her? No....

 

See... many times we ascribe a level of rational thought to our EXes that is simply not reality. We think that b/c they were able to break up with us, that they must be the ones thinking rationally... when in fact the opposite may be the case.

 

I think you should really take note of Scout's advice. She has over 1000 posts to her credit... that means that she has taken the time to sort through many, many posts that were NOT her own. That means that her opinion, is not simply based on her OWN experience... not based on what has happened to her, but what she has seen happen to her online friends.

 

I've personally had Scout following my posts for several months. When she says something I don't agree with... I take it to heart nonetheless... it is always worth hearing the perspective of someone who is taking things at face value.

 

Isn't that what you were here for?

[nicholascrack]

Escalade,

 

 

You're the man! I had the same situation happen to me a month or so ago, and believe me, I wish I handled it like you did.

 

I think you played things well. I like how you didn't talk about the relationship with her when you had lunch. That is key. You sound like everything is going well. Just be patient, man.

 

Nicholas

[Vert]

Wow, I don't know if I could do that. I probably could if I was definitely over her and over the fact that she will have another man in her life. However, now that I'm in another state I highly doubt she'll ever see me in the same club in the same city. How unreal would that be?

[Scout]

Escalade - this is what you said in a previous thread. You said she was MESSING AROUND with someone else....not "talking". There is a big, big difference:

 

 

 

This was your quote from the thread "What are my chances?" When I answered that I didn't think the chances were good, you jumped on my case in that post, too.

 

I guess I should just stop following your story and giving my two cents. But before I do, I have to echo what Shocked said - when someone takes the time to give you some feedback, even if it's not what you want to hear, you should take that into consideration before you get upset. eNotalone is an open forum and people come here for advice. Sometimes, it's not what we want to hear. I'm not saying my take on your situation is accurate - maybe I'm wrong. But based on the information you've provided, this is honestly how it looks to me. I am not trying to put you down with my feedback, but trying to give you a more realistic view of how it appears to me so that maybe you can get over this girl and find someone you can trust, that is 100% ready for a relationship with you, and that you don't have to worry is involved with one or more guys.

 

Please keep this in mind for any future posts from people who may have differing viewpoints then what you are hoping to hear. And try to remember that the few minutes they are spending on your post, could have been spent somewhere else, but they chose to devote some time to your situation instead.

[escalade]

SCOUT.....i totally respect where you are coming from in regards to this post correlating with my previous thread. Unfortunately, i was informed with the previous thread about her "messing" around with another guy. That was mis-information given to me. So with that being said, i apologize for jumping down your throat. In this latest thread, all the facts are there....100%. There is no other guy that she is messing with, but there are guys that she talks to on a "friendly" level.

 

But, i was just going by what is happening now and not what happened a month ago when i really didn't have all of the facts. So, i'm sorry for being harsh to you.

 

By the way, she called me today crying about some things going on in her family and home. She told me that I was the only one that understood her and could calm her down. So i did my part....being a "FRIEND" and comforted her and tried to cheer her up. We'll see where this leads me, but as of today, i consider her a dear friend....nothing more, nothing less. And if good fortune arises and her and i will be together again...GREAT! If we don't, then I still will be fine with it, for i feel that i have healed enough to move forward wether it is with her or without her.

[Scout]

Escalade, thanks for the very nice apology. I appreciate it. I hope you realize where I am coming from with my advice. Like Shocked said, I try to give advice from the "face value" standpoint. Which means that, for the most part, I keep my advice focused on what happened in the past or is actually happening, not what could happen in the future. The reason is because that's just instintively how I look at situations.

 

On the other hand, other people on eNotalone are gifted at giving feedback about how things could turn out, etc. We all have our strengths, and the result is many different kinds of feedback that can really help a poster sort through his/her thoughts on the situation being experienced.

 

As long as a poster isn't using disrespectful or profane language in a response, we should keep in mind that they are taking a little time out to pay attention to our problem, and try to appreciate that. I realize I already said that in my previous post, but it's a point worth mentioning again.

 

Regarding your current situation, again, my take isn't so positive, only because I've seen this happen again and again for various posters on eNotalone. There is a risk involved when we decide to be friends with an ex, IF WE ARE NOT OVER THEM YET. You ought to check out some of the posts on this subject, usually titled "Friends with the ex?" or something like that. You can get some good information from those posts.

[DragonGirl724]

oh boy a bit of drama here lol i grabbed popcorn & everything haha. glad thats settled. anyways. call me captain negativity but dude she may just be with him as a rebound & she could very well be very unsure of who or what she wants to settle down with. it could be a million things but much much props to u for bein the bigger person! i wonder, when my ex has a new gf & if i saw them out, if id put my hand or my fist out to greet them. haha listen to me lol u can look at this 2 ways.

 

1->she wants to see u b/c she can handle seeing you meaning feelings are nothing more than friends & shes happy she has the best of both worlds.... or

2->she wants to see you b/c she is in love with you & impressed w/ your charm...or your Escalade lol jus messin'.

 

take it all one day at a time & follow your heart but listen to your head. you cant go wrong babe. good luck i hope she isnt just stringin you along & gonna leave u in limbo...if so, introduce HER to YOUR new beau!

 

 

-DG724