quantumst8 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 it's never okay when your SO lets or doesn't let you do something. I disagree and I'm sure you do, too. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I don't agree. I don't see how anyone has the right to let you do or not do something, including parents after a certain age. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 i wonldnt forbit my bf to have female friends but if he has one that he needs to hang out with every week then hell no. also if your SO is free it's better bring them as well when you plan to do something with your opposire sex friends.otherwise it looks fishy. i just believe...male and female..are biologicaly made to get together for human reproduction! lol Link to comment
babybear Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 To the men who think the majority of men want to have sex if they make new female friends - what about if the man is in a relationship and makes a new female friend, does he just want to have sex? You've said you wouldn't be comfortable with a girlfriend making new male friends because you know what those men are after, so what if YOU made new female friends while you have a girlfriend... are you still just after that new female friend? (if that makes any sense lol) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Oh - I just meant that I will continue to make friends- as far as one on one time that depends. If it's a personal conversation between me and the person then yes it would need to be one on one but might very well be a phone call (or even emailing). If it's a social plan I would meet someone one on one for lunch or an early dinner and typically my husband would be invited and/or attend unless he didn't feel like it. I'd discuss it with him first. For example, one of my good friends for the last 15 years is a married man and we see each other when I am in town usually for an early dinner. His wife is usually home with their kids at that time and they don't live near where we meet (which is near to his office). My husband usually can't make it. The last two times we met I brought my toddler which gave my husband some time on his own. It's all good. I'll also go out on a limb and say that even if one a single guy first starts a conversation because he thinks the woman is cute, if, upon learning that she is married/attached he makes the decision that he still wants to be friends I don't think it needs to be complicated at all -adults make those tradeoffs all the time and if he has proper values and integrity and wants the friendship to last he'll put aside any attraction he might feel. I also believe in proper boundaries- no going out on psuedo-dates with someone of the opposite sex, no friendships where the other person is not supportive of the relationship and with rare exception the SO should be invited to join (and if not, it's because the friends need to catch up one on one and hopefully the couple can be ok with that). Link to comment
shotinthedark Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 If you're dating a girl and she's hanging out with her male "friends", sorry to say, but there's nothing you can do. Getting all insecure and jealous is the absolute WORST thing you can do. All you can do is brush it off as no big deal, but keep it in the back of your mind. Never call her to check up on her when she's with these male "friends", don't mention it... just be AWARE of it. As for the ladies... I love the "We're just strictly friends" angle. Girls, you know that male friend who likes to hang out and talk with you? Next time you're together go in for a kiss.... then we'll see just how strong that friendship is. Bottom line is, of course girls can have male friends. But if that male friend is EVER given an opportunity to take things to the next level, if only for a one time fling... you can bet your last dollar he will. It's how we are wired... Sure, he may regret it afterwards, but in that moment the instinct and testosterone in the male brain take over. Just my $0.02... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 My close friends prioritize their personal integrity and values over impulsive responses (whether or not it's true about how men are "wired") - I couldn't be friends with someone female or male who I knew would act on a destructive impulse and blame it on how she was "wired" - we wouldn't have common values in that case. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I simply don't understand how one can reduce an individual only to their gender, as if there is nothing else about them. In nearly all of my daily interactions with people (both genders) their gender plays a minimal (if at all) role. If I would confine myself to interact only with women on a social level, my work environment would not be conducive to a creative and positive atmosphere. If I am in a relationship I agree to honor and respect that person and share intimacy only with him - but that doesn't include refraining from interacting with 50% of the population. Is it possible that some of these men may have a different interest than purely friendship? - Maybe, but it doesn't matter, because it's up to me to maintain the integrity of my relationship. That will make my relationship truly meaningful: that I have all these other options in theory, but I freely chose my partner at every single instance. If some of you chose to only interact with someone from the opposite gender only when there is a sexual interest or the hope this may lead to a relationship - that is of course your prerogative. But you are severely limiting your intellectual and social experiences. Human behavior is so varied that it's simply too fascinating to meet many different people, their ways of thinking, doing things to immediately cut out 50% of the population just because there may or may not be temptation one day. Most people hope to find a partner one day who will be their best friend. How do any of you expect/learn how to be friends with someone from the opposite sex if you don't allow yourself to socially interact with them outside the dating frame? Link to comment
The walkingman Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 To the men who think the majority of men want to have sex if they make new female friends - what about if the man is in a relationship and makes a new female friend, does he just want to have sex? You've said you wouldn't be comfortable with a girlfriend making new male friends because you know what those men are after, so what if YOU made new female friends while you have a girlfriend... are you still just after that new female friend? (if that makes any sense lol) A lot of times it is having backups in case the relationship fails, for instance I think I've seen thorshammer (regular poster here) post exactly that, where he wouldn't cheat with any of them but he kept them around in case the relationship failed. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 A lot of times it is having backups in case the relationship fails, for instance I think I've seen thorshammer (regular poster here) post exactly that, where he wouldn't cheat with any of them but he kept them around in case the relationship failed. In those cases the people involved are not true friends then so it's irrelevant to the issue being discussed here. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I think the approach taken is completely wrong. Restricting who your partner hangs out with will always backfire. I've tried to do it in the past when I didn't like some of the creeps my ex was keeping in her life and of course it only drove a wedge further between us. Opposite sex friends are a very touchy subject in relationships despite what a lot of women tend to think. I think extra caution and openness with your partner is crucial. If my SO was ignoring my concerns and spending an inappropriate amount of time with a specific person and the relationship was suffering then I would absolutely end things. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 To the men who think the majority of men want to have sex if they make new female friends - what about if the man is in a relationship and makes a new female friend, does he just want to have sex? You've said you wouldn't be comfortable with a girlfriend making new male friends because you know what those men are after, so what if YOU made new female friends while you have a girlfriend... are you still just after that new female friend? (if that makes any sense lol) If a guy thinks its inappropriate for his girlfriend to hang out with males friends consistently one on one, then he should totally be held to the same standard. Link to comment
The walkingman Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 In those cases the people involved are not true friends then so it's irrelevant to the issue being discussed here. That is kind of the point I'm making, that a lot of the time they aren't "true friends". I don't think it is very good for a relationship having friendships where one person wants the other in a sexual way or the person in the relationship would if it wasn't for the fact they are currently in a relationship. It is generally a much bigger issue for guys because they know how other guys think. A lot of females are oblivious or just like the kind of attention they get from their guy "friends", though not all of course. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 That is kind of the point I'm making, that a lot of the time they aren't "true friends". I don't think it is very good for a relationship having friendships where one person wants the other in a sexual way or the person in the relationship would if it wasn't for the fact they are currently in a relationship. It is generally a much bigger issue for guys because they know how other guys think. A lot of females are oblivious or just like the kind of attention they get from their guy "friends", though not all of course. I think you have to trust your SO that he/she knows the difference between true friends and "fake" friends. If that trust is lacking there are deeper issues in the relationship than who they choose as friends. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 If they have been friends from way back and there's no romantic history at all, then it's ok to hang one one in limited circumstances. But no way should anybody be making new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. It's inappropriate and often a first step towards cheating. Yeah, I can just imagine my Dad for example hanging out one on one with a bunch of women and my Mom being ok with it or vice versa. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 If they have been friends from way back and there's no romantic history at all, then it's ok to hang one one in limited circumstances. But no way should anybody be making new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. It's inappropriate and often a first step towards cheating. Yeah, I can just imagine my Dad for example hanging out one on one with a bunch of women and my Mom being ok with it or vice versa. I'm sure that would work fine for some couples. I'm sure it wouldn't work at all for a woman who had a career that included men or interests/hobbies that included men unless she got her kicks out of being controlled by her SO and being able to say "my boyfriend doesn't let me go out socially with other men" -some women seem to love using that "excuse" and think that means they're with a big protector. It's sad IMO. Link to comment
babybear Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 If they have been friends from way back and there's no romantic history at all, then it's ok to hang one one in limited circumstances. But no way should anybody be making new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. It's inappropriate and often a first step towards cheating. Yeah, I can just imagine my Dad for example hanging out one on one with a bunch of women and my Mom being ok with it or vice versa My boyfriend is going back to Uni in September. He will be 26 and doing a course which will be very female dominated. He will inevitably make new female friends. At the moment he has NO female friends or none which he speaks of or meets. Reading these comments is pretty alarming lol. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 If they have been friends from way back and there's no romantic history at all, then it's ok to hang one one in limited circumstances. But no way should anybody be making new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. It's inappropriate and often a first step towards cheating. Yeah, I can just imagine my Dad for example hanging out one on one with a bunch of women and my Mom being ok with it or vice versa. That's so sad. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Your boyfriend (ex boyfriend) is being totally unreasonable. His behavior exhibits insecurity, jealousy, overly possesiveness, and control issues. Yeah, 6 out of 7 days a week with him every week IS totally smothering and suffocating. It's also very unhealthy. You have done the right thing by breaking it off with him. If he won't trust you, he's not worth it. I read this entire thread and it appears that most of the guys who have commented need to look at their own jealousy and insecurity issues. There's nothing wrong with a woman maintaining her platonic male friends while in a relatioship. There's nothing wrong with a man maintaining his platonice female friends while in a relationship either. This is not a "science" and each situation with a SO's different gender friends needs to be evaluated on a case by case basis. Guys - when you meet her male friends, you can pretty much tell right away who the creepy guy is who wants to be with her and tell the difference between him and a truly platonic friend. Same with girls being able to tell about other girls. I've had the problem of a couple of ex g/f's of mine having a huge problem with the fact that I have alot of female friends - friends I had long before I was with either of these ex's. When she used to give me grief about it I would just tell her -"those girls are my friends, they weren't interested in f*cking me before I was with you...so why would they all of a sudden be interested in f*cking me now?". That usually ended the issue. lol Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I'm sure that would work fine for some couples. I'm sure it wouldn't work at all for a woman who had a career that included men or interests/hobbies that included men unless she got her kicks out of being controlled by her SO and being able to say "my boyfriend doesn't let me go out socially with other men" -some women seem to love using that "excuse" and think that means they're with a big protector. It's sad IMO. There's a fine line though. When I think of men that I met through work or hobbies or class, we were not really friends at first. We began communicating because work or classwork required so, and then learned that we had things in common so we began to have interactions outside of the required work, so the friendship slowly developed over a period of time and was able to be vetted (even though even in those circumstances, I was friends with a coworker for six months when I found out he was only hanging out with me because he though I was pretty and funny and wanted to see if something more would develop). That kind of relationship, IMO, is completely different from meeting a random a guy and saying - hey, you seem like a fun guy, let's be friends! when you are in a relationship. I think that you can do that, but then the SO should be introduced as well. I'm not disagreeing with you, but I can see the guys' point of view to a certain extent as well. If my boyfriend all of a sudden had a new female running buddy he randomly met and went running with her every other day without me on a regular basis and didn't really introduce me to her.. I'd be a little bit concerned. I think most people would be slightly upset even if they trusted their SO. That, on the other had is completely different from him grabbing lunch or a HH drink with a female coworker once a week. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 "I'm not disagreeing with you, but I can see the guys' point of view to a certain extent as well. If my boyfriend all of a sudden had a new female running buddy he randomly met and went running with her every other day without me on a regular basis and didn't really introduce me to her.. I'd be a little bit concerned. I think most people would be slightly upset even if they trusted their SO. That, on the other had is completely different from him grabbing lunch or a HH drink with a female coworker once a week." Yes I agree with this -there should be boundaries reflecting respect for and the priority of the main relationship. I think that all friends should be introduced or at least be given the chance to meet. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I actually have the point of view that relationships are about compromise. Meaning that if my SO had a lot of female friends and I wasn't happy about it (I actually don't care but I'm using that as an example) but it was important to him to maintain his friendships, then I would try to get over myself so that he can live his life. Similarly, I would expect him to compromise as well and perhaps involve me in more of his hang outs or simply recognize that even though my fears or insecurities are not a big deal to him, they are a big deal to me. After all, we all have some things that we are okay with and some things we are not okay with, and when we date someone, we accept them completely, otherwise, there's no point in dating. I also don't think its fair to call all the guys in this thread insecure just because of their opinions, which for the most part, don't sound controlling or insecure. They just sound as preferences. Just like some people have preferences not to have sex before being in a relationship, and get called out on for being a prude or old fashioned, when they are perfectly entitled to these points of views and dating people who feel the same. I do think the OP's boyfriend as described does sound controlling and insecure. Link to comment
iamminzy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Dump him like hot potato... NO guy or girl should tell you who to see, what to do, what to wear, what to say. You wear, say, see, do whoever/whatever you like. This is what makes us human. IF he is controlling you, then you're not being you. You are being someone you're not and pleasing him, but you won't be able to please yourself. Don't change for anyone. It's your life, your own body, your own mind, do what you like and screw those who don't agree or like what you say or do. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Of course no friendship should interfere with the relationship nor cross any respectful boundaries. However, I don't even insist that my partner has to introduce me to all of his female friends/acquaintances, since I don't think it speaks of my trust into him if I feel the need to have to sanction every interaction that he has. Yes, I tell my partner about all the people I interact with, but from a wish of sharing with him rather than ask for his permission. If my partner wants to cheat on me, I will not be able to stop him from it - he is the only one who can stop that regardless of how many/few restrictions I lay upon him. Would I be happy if some woman would try to seduce him/come between us? Of course not. However I fully trust him to decide for himself not to want to interact with this person in a manner that would give her false hope/impressions, I don't feel the need to do that in his place. If he chooses to give in to temptation then he is not the kind of person I would want as a partner, nor would our relationship be as strong and healthy as I would require for maintaining it long term. I strongly believe that a sign of a lasting, healthy relationship is the ability and the decision not giving in to temptation rather than not being exposed to them. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I don't insist on meeting all of my husband's female friends but that's because I know he'd be happy to if I asked. Link to comment
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