5/6 weeks NC and now she contacts me, advice???

[EmergenC]

Please click my profile to read my original story.

 

It's a little long but worth reading for the full perspective on our slightly odd situation.

 

Literally the day after I wrote that she messaged me via Facebook. It was to let me know that our pet guinea pig we had together had died. She's very attached to animals and loved the guy to bits. I'd not heard from her in over 5 weeks. Didn't mention anything about us or the relationship.

 

I messaged back when I got home which was an hour or so after the message. I told her I was sorry etc, he had a good life with us etc. I told her I wasn't going to bring up how I feel because she's fully aware of how I feel and i'll just leave it at I miss her. I told her that where i'd travelled to in the world was very beautiful and i'd seen lots of things that made me think of her and that it was all in my facebook pictures if she wanted to have a nose. I then told her I was running out for sushi and I had to go. It was a short message.

 

She responded almost immediately, saying how he was a great pet etc, then said to have a nice time and that she would love to eat sushi too! Ignored completely my mentioning about things.

 

I then messaged back just before running out saying yeah, id take pictures of the place so check back later for sushi! And also that the town I was in was full of fake people... Then just said I miss you and that I had to run.

 

The following morning I found another message from her. She said she told me it was full of fake people and that I never believed her when she said that. Then she wished me a happy birthday ( it was my birthday a couple of days before ).

 

I messaged her back earlier today after getting in, about a day and a half later, just saying a simple, yeah it is a fake town and thank you for the birthday wishes and left it at that.

 

I'm not a big advocate of crazy mind games and brutal NC, but I did feel I was a little weak and jumpy with the first messages. I hate the way that these post breakup scenarios don't have that easy going feel when you first fall in love.

 

Just to reiterate the point, whenever friends or family that I know of have mentioned me/the relationship to her she tends to just brush over it, no 'Leave it it's over stop talking about it'. Yet also, no positives either.

 

I can only tell you she's incredibly stubborn!!

 

If you didnt read the original post of my situation. The brief is she overstayed with me in my home country for 2 years solid. She moved to one of her girl friends the other side of town. I've taken off out the country after this to get out of the crap and gone to stay with family in America.

[EmergenC]

Forgot to mention, I hate reading into facebook. But her facebook has been relatively quiet since we split, just occassionaly posting things about being out partying and stuff. And yesterday I saw she posted a music video about 'used to being so in love and you're just somebody I used to know'. It's just clear that she's playing weird games with it, trying to get my attention/lash out in passive aggressive ways.

 

There's no other guys on the scene, friends of mine who have seen her out and about have told me.

 

I just don't get it... also I was her first proper boyfriend/first true love.

[Fun Boater 1]

So she contacts you after no word from her in 6 weeks,and all she wants to discuss is a dead rodent? Obviously, she has little or no regard for your feelings, and clearly no intention of resuming the relationship...and she shouldn't - she's 20 years old and has all the lack of maturity, flightiness, and indecisiveness which comes with being that age.

 

My advice is the same as in your earlier thread:

I read your story and it ended exactly as I thought it was going to when I read in the first paragraph, "

She's 20 i'm 29." The first thought that ran through my mind is, here comes a girl finding herself while you want to settle down to some extent.

 

Girls at that age lap up attention...from men, from women, whomever they can get it from.

 

LDRohnos put it best. The age difference is at the core of the problem. That, and she also appears to be a total user with little regard for your feelings. She may love you, but not in the same way you love her. She is not of the age yet to be serious about much of anything. Cut all ties with her and move on.

 

You are wasting time pining for this girl. She is incapable of knowing what she wants. Her actions indicate that she just wants to party and be 20 years old...ie...not serious. You are older, more worldly, and much more serious. You seem like a good guy. You obviously have means at your disposal because you travel alot worldwide. Think off all the beautiful women you must come in contact with on a daily basis. Put the ex out of your mind and let her play as she wants to. Start looking at other women and focus on finding one who is more mature and wants the same lifestyle as you do. There are plenty of them out there. Realize that if a relationship with your ex is ever to develop again, it's only going to happen after she does alot of growing up and has the maturity to see you as the good man and worthy partner you are.

[LaKings55]

Unless you wish to maintain contact with her, I suggest blocking (not just defriending her) on facebook.

[EgoJoe]

Funboater nailed this one and I don't see any need to get in to more detail. I hate it when they pick and choose what to respond to. When that happens. I end the conversation without notice...ninja NC. Not just with exes and women but anybody. When I spot this I say...hmmmmm....PEACE!

[EmergenC]

Thank you for the advice.

 

Yes when I looked at the messages for what they are, thats why I left my last response very short and simple. We've never been abrupt or rude with each other in the past so I like to at least remain civil because I would like to leave the door open. Her last message to me at least wasn't anything to do with the guinea pig.

 

I agree funboater, you're right about the growing part. Her situation living in my home country is soon to end though and she has to return home, I don't know whats going to happen then. She is going to return literally to nothing and i'm worried she will reach out from loneliness rather than from actually missing the person so to speak. It's hard when in your mind you hope that growing, or realization can condense itself into a matter of months.

 

I am back out and about socialising, obviously with wounds still to lick so i'm not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. I've never been one to bed hop and for me personally, jumping at the first opportunity just to 'put some space' between you and the relationship just doesnt work for me, i'm just not that kind of person.

 

@LaKings - Unfortunately, if I was going to do that I probably should have done it earlier. Ive unsubbed from her feed so I don't have to see it. It would just look like some kind of backlash to do it now. It's not hurting me nowadays having her on my list and I know she's been viewing my profile etc so that can't be doing any harm, especially when im out and about doing stuff, not sitting around moping.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[EmergenC]

Funboater nailed this one and I don't see any need to get in to more detail. I hate it when they pick and choose what to respond to. When that happens. I end the conversation without notice...ninja NC. Not just with exes and women but anybody. When I spot this I say...hmmmmm....PEACE!

 

It is awkward... they hold all the cards, and you know inside you really can't push them directly for answers if you're looking to reconcile because you know that's going to backfire. Games games games

[EgoJoe]

They don't hold all of the cards. You can choose to not care and stop entertaining their pandering.

[EmergenC]

They don't hold all of the cards. You can choose to not care and stop entertaining their pandering.

 

I know I know, I'm not crawling after her at least. It's all internal, fortunately or unfortunately.

 

Today's been my roughest day in a while to be honest. The numbing affect of being in a new environment has worn off & her parents contacted me today to vent about getting her home.

 

She never responded to my last short message which I'm kind of glad about. I don't want to enter into a dialog with her until she's back home & back on planet earth.

 

I'll keep this updated with how things pan out in the longrun. Thanks again for any and all advice.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thank you for the advice.

 

 

I am back out and about socialising, obviously with wounds still to lick so i'm not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. I've never been one to bed hop and for me personally, jumping at the first opportunity just to 'put some space' between you and the relationship just doesnt work for me, i'm just not that kind of person.

 

 

This sounds just like me. I'm dealing with almost the same thing, similar ages too.

 

She said she was ready to be all serious, moved in together, really tied our lives together in many ways. Then, in almost a moment's notice, she was gone.

 

Yes, we had a disagreement, yes, she admitted she had to fix herself before she could be with me, but, the way she left didn't indicate any of her previous words to be true.

 

I thought she was mature -- she sure behaved that way for several months. Then, totally immature.

 

Sorry brother. Cut her off and keep moving forward in my opinion. That's what I'm doing as difficult as it is.

[EmergenC]

This sounds just like me. I'm dealing with almost the same thing, similar ages too.

 

She said she was ready to be all serious, moved in together, really tied our lives together in many ways. Then, in almost a moment's notice, she was gone.

 

Yes, we had a disagreement, yes, she admitted she had to fix herself before she could be with me, but, the way she left didn't indicate any of her previous words to be true.

 

I thought she was mature -- she sure behaved that way for several months. Then, totally immature.

 

Sorry brother. Cut her off and keep moving forward in my opinion. That's what I'm doing as difficult as it is.

 

Not easy is it ?

 

The moment we broke up I got rid of all reminders etc etc, phone number erased the works.

 

I made it clear 2 weeks after the breakup how I felt and that was my last contact. It was a nice balanced email I sent, that I still don't regret sending. That's been it from me. I guess you should say i'm doing NIC. The messages we exchanged just recently were our first contact in 5 weeks.

 

The screwed up thing is she's on some weird conquest to prove to everyone that she can get on and is just fine by herself. She's very mixed up and confused, she has a lot of personal family issues at home also, ontop of the fact that she's started a life in my home country that she soon has to end one way or another.

 

If there was another guy on the scene or something, or she was at home right now. It would be a lot easy to walk away. But right now while she's so damn angry/hurt/confused at the world it's tough. Her family are concerned about her, her sister says she doesnt know who she is anymore. It's hard to know what the hell is going on in her head. No one really knows and even our mutual friends who have got back to me just say she's walking round confused as hell, she looks lost and is rather sad.

 

I know in one hand it's clear, she walked away etc etc. But on the other hand, the person who walked away is not the person I knew. And not the person our close friends remember either. She has a lot of crap pent up inside herself. The personality flip is almost 180 degrees in a matter of weeks. It's crazy. Her sister and parents from talking to her think she's just going through a phase. Trying to prove herself no matter how much it's hurting that she can get by and doesn't 'need' anyone. I think she's always felt like the 'little kid' and this has become a part of that.

 

Externally, im not doing anything. I'm not reaching out, i'm just letting her run with whatever crazy crap it is she's up to without getting involved. But inside, for better or for worse, i'm at least leaving the door open until she's back home and back to reality.

 

I sympathise & empathise with everyone and am grateful for every response and any and all good advice! Even before joining these boards, they were a great resource for people with similar stories and experience, and it helps a great deal even just to read through some of them.

[sentencedtoagony]

EmergenC, I can relate to a lot of what you just posted. Thanks for sharing.

[EmergenC]

EmergenC, I can relate to a lot of what you just posted. Thanks for sharing.

 

You're more than welcome, the sharing helps me too.

 

I'll keep this updated as time goes by. Nothing new to report yet

[EmergenC]

One thing I can say is her breaking NC has now set me back a small amount. Thinking about her a fair bit today and yesterday, with some of those 'why the hell did this happen, we were good' feelings of anger/resentment/sadness.

 

I also hasn't helped by me knowing that the way in which I responded wasn't particular strong of me and possibly the wrong things to say somewhat. I gave her the impression I wasn't over her, I was still looking to reconcile and I was thinking about her while she got to breeze past my comments and just respond to what she wanted to. Don't beat yourself up people.

 

The only thing I felt positive about was the way in which I responded to the last message, left it 24 hours and responded, short and to the point. Friendly but firm and giving nothing away... should have done it sooner. I'm sure now the power is tipped back to her side again for a time. Giving them all the confidence in the world to carry on knowing the backup plan is still safely tucked away in their back pocket.

 

I can only imagine how hard it would have been if it was me who initiated contact. I think that's a thought to ponder on for anyone who thinks they should reach out to their ex before they truly can tell themselves they're emotionally secure with or without your ex again.

[EmergenC]

Contacted me again...yeuch... i'm kind of getting angry now. Has she any concern for anyone's feelings other than herself ? Especially someone she shared 3.5 years with, with so much tender love and affection.

 

I don't know if I should respond or not.

[sentencedtoagony]

What is she saying?

[EmergenC]

What is she saying?

 

She wants to know if i'm back from abroad next week so she can collect the rest of her things.

 

Thing is. She doesnt need me to get her things, my mother has access to the property and let her in the first time she came to collect stuff. I told her the first time to just turn up, I wont be there which is what she did. It was too hard for me.

 

Also, for the first time since we split, i've had my skype shutdown since the weekend when she contacted me. She's removed from my list but not blocked her so unless she removed me her end, i'll still appear on her list. Also i've been off facebook, so to all intents purposes it might appear to her that i've vanished.

 

I don't get it, I just don't. I don't know if she's seeing if i'm around/thinking of coming back (she doesnt know what i'm doing here). Or if she just wants the rest of her bits. If it was so important to her, why wait 7 weeks to get it.

 

I just don't understand and i'm thinking of once and for all just doing nothing. I'm staying off skype i'm staying off facebook, i'm just going to vanish.

[sentencedtoagony]

Hmmm,

 

Yeah, I imagine I'll be in the same predicament. When I called ex yesterday, she said she had some of my things and I probably have some of hers. I didn't really respond other than "OK."

 

It might be an excuse to see you, but who knows what the motives are. As you know, I'm kind of a mess myself right now. I wouldn't know what to do if mine wanted to meet up for anything.

[EmergenC]

You may need to back off for a bit and have some real space. I didnt even begin to get any clarity for around 2 weeks..then each day was more of an eye opener.

 

As for me, i'm just angry now. I'm not responding. I'm getting fed up of the ambiguity of everything. Her parents spoke to her today and mentioned that i'd be welcome back there if she wants in future and she just brushed past it again. She's also starting to talk more about coming home.

 

I think the fun and games of running away and doing your own thing squatting on your friends floor are starting to wear off, having no money can be a real wake up call and when the parties have stopped, and you've sobered up you start looking back around at what you had. I know for a fact she was practically drunk every night up until christmas.

[sentencedtoagony]

Maybe she'll get that out of her system and develop some appreciation for the good things that were once available to her.

[EmergenC]

Maybe she'll get that out of her system and develop some appreciation for the good things that were once available to her.

 

I'm hoping that will be case when she gets back home. Thing is, this has now made me a bit weary of the whole thing. What's to stop it happening again in another town when the same situations come up. Once bitten, twice shy kind of scenario. Maybe more time alone is truly what's best for her. It's easy for me to say this now but god only knows what will happen if she starts really reaching out.

[EmergenC]

Just heard today that the border police have picked her up from her friends house where she was staying. The next month is going to be interesting, she's being deported back to nothing. She has to start a whole life/friends from scratch.

 

I'm actually kind of nervous!

[sentencedtoagony]

Whoa, that's interesting. Are you worried for her?

[EmergenC]

Whoa, that's interesting. Are you worried for her?

 

I love her still so i'm worried in respects to the emotions she's going through, I don't like to think of her in distress or upset which I know she's going to be. What hurts her, hurts me.

 

I'm not concerned for her safety etc, she's in safe hands and it looks like they're just clean deporting her. Ban on the passport etc, but no criminal charges.

 

Now to see what happens with us... gosh I miss the times when things were simple.

[sentencedtoagony]

I hear ya man. I always worry about mine too. I'm still protective of her even though I don't know what she's up to.

 

She did call me three times tonight. Don't know what to do so far.