I need advice....

[ashblaize]

I have been in a relationship with the same person on and off for almost 5 years. A couple of months ago, after we had been back together for a while and things were going great, he broke up with me. When I tried to find out why, he told me that I had taken him for granted in the past and he didn't forgive me for that. He also brought up a situation where I had shared with him that I was upset about something and he has never let it go. Let me explain that:

 

Back in October, I started to realize that I had a drinking problem. He and I (we are both male) work as bartenders in the same restaurant and we both drank heavily, smoked a lot and did other drugs occasionally (more frequently up until I came to this realization). After a night of being out, spending all of my money and getting wasted and driving my motorcycle home, I woke up the next day and realized that there was a problem. I was afraid to talk to him about it, because I never wanted him to think that I was trying to tell him how to live his life. He had gotten a DWI about 2 years ago and he is still dealing with that (and that is something that caused him to be anxious and nervous all the time when we were together). I asked him if we could talk, and I told him how I was scared about how careless we were both being, since we would go out and get drunk and coked up and then drive home, thinking that we'd never get caught or nothing bad would happen. It kind of felt like alcohol had to be present in our lives to be able to have fun. I wanted to try and start being more productive with our time and maybe cutting back and being more careful. He totally agreed and actually talked to me at great lengths about it.

 

Two days later, he showed up at my house drunk and coked up. The next day, I told him that it hurt my feelings that I was worried about him being out driving around like that. He took this very personally and got really upset. I'm not sure if he was upset with me for saying something, or upset with me for making him upset with himself or what... Regardless, he brought this up to me a couple of weeks later when he came over to break up with me out of the blue. He's very good at hiding his emotions.

 

After we split up, I made the decision to become sober. I started attending AA meetings and started really working on myself. About 3 weeks after we broke up, he started talking to me and began to talk to me about his worries and his problems. He said that he wished things could have happened differently. He told me that he loves me. He held my hands in my room, crying, saying that he wanted us to work.

 

Fast forward to the 19th of December, our work Christmas party (yes we work together...). I relapsed and decided that I could control my emotions and drink. He and I drank heavily and we hung out the entire time during the party. We had been hanging out before and had even spent the night together once. When we would hang out and I would ask him if he wanted to stay, he would say that he wanted to, but that he shouldn't because he was afraid that I was going to hurt him again. I would say that I didn't understand, but okay and things would be alright. He would leave and text me when he got home and say that he had a great night and that he loved me. So, after the party, we were wasted. He said that he wanted to come to my place. I live closer to where we were. I thought he was staying the night. This time, since I was drunk and out of control of my emotions, I got really upset. I didn't understand why he couldn't stay, especially because he was wasted and it was late and it felt to me that he would rather risk getting arrested, dying, or killing someone over staying the night with me. He left my place after some pleading and after him bringing up the time that I "yelled" at him in October. He left my place and I was so scared and sad and didn't understand why he was so upset with me. I went to his place (worst idea ever) and tried to make him understand that I didn't mean to upset him and that I didn't want us to part ways for a week like this. I really do love him and I really wanted him to stay at my place and be safe... and be with me. I know that this was selfish. But also, after his sending me such mixed signals even hours before this all happened, I really didn't understand what was going on.

 

He left town and refused to talk to me in any way at all. I saw on Facebook that he was hanging out with old friends, one of them I'd never heard of or met. This guy was posting on his wall about how great it was to see him and everything. After my ex got back into town, we had to work together and it was alright. I've been an emotional wreck and so scared of this all being over. I'm back in AA and I have an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. I found out last night that some friends of his were coming to visit from his hometown and staying at his place last night and tonight. The new guy was one of those people.

 

I feel like he really does love me. I feel like he meant it when he said all of that. I think that he has some issues with forgiveness. Both to other people and to himself. I love him so much and I always saw such an amazing future for us. Now, I don't know what to do. I think that he is rebounding and using this new guy to have something that distracts him from what's going on. I think that his life has just gotten so heavy on top of him because he lost himself in our relationship. We both put such high expectations on each other that there was no way that we couldn't fail. I felt like I was under a microscope. He got so upset at me for expressing my concern about the way that we were conducting our lives. I guess I can see how he thought I was telling him what to do. I'm 32, he's 25. I can't say that I would be any more rational in this scenario.

 

When I see it on paper, I know that it's probably not a good relationship and that I'm stupid to think that we can get through this. But I can't help but hope that if we are able to maintain no contact (I see him at work, but only once a week) and really have some time apart, that we could help each other in the long run and be able to enjoy the love that I know we both found so amazing and fulfilling.

 

I'm scared as hell right now and I need some advice. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. I know that I don't NEED him back to be happy, but I know how happy I can be with him and I feel like we've just let life flood us out. I just really hoped that I could grow old with him... And he has said the same to me... I think he's just so full of fear and anger right now.

 

Any advice? What should I do?

[camus154]

I think you're both quite unhealthy on your own, much less teamed up together. Focus on getting yourself healthy and consider this guy a toxic combo best left alone.