Please someone help me im so confused!!

[sunshine12345]

Dear all

 

I am a 30 yr old male who is currently in a very complicated situation. I would like anyone to give me there unbiased honest opinion and give me some good advice on where to go from here.

 

My Ex who is 33 , split up with me in March of this year after being together over a year. She left me as she wasn't sure if things were clicking for her in the relationship as well as saying she thought we didn't have much in common. I was deeply heart broken and i am still carrying this pain all the time. Months past and we always have kept in contact during the split and have met up occasionally.

 

During the times we've met up, we talked about why we spit up and whether there was a chance of getting back together etc. She also mentioned that it comes to a stage that she got scared and had commitment issues.. this is the reason why she ran.

 

During the end of July we went out for dinner and had a good evening together. We kissed and I asked her if we were back on after I felt the night had gone well and the fact that we kissed was a good sign! She said that we will have to wait and see. Anyway a few weeks went past and we were trying again. One afternoon I took her out for lunch and it was a struggle for both of us to communicate with each other. The next day I asked her if I could cook for her but she decided that what happened the following day of the communication issue she ended it. We’ve always seem to have communication issues with each other since the relationship got further down the line, not knowing what to say to each other. We went abroad last year and I felt that the whole week we hardly talked to each other, only small talk.

 

A month or two went past and we met up again for dinner and had a good time. Yet again we ended up kissing and she told me that she owed it to me to try again. But to my surprise a few weeks later she got cold feet and ended it with me again.

 

So I left it and about a month went past and I met a really nice girl who is in her mid twenties and very mature for her age,. We get on like a house on fire, conversation flows well and we have good laughs together and she definitely knows what she wants. My ex got in contact during that time I was seeing this new girl asking me to come and collect stuff that I’ve left at her house. We talked when I got there and I told her that I had met someone. She seemed upset and after I left she texted me to say she didn’t want me to leave. Since then she has shown interest in me and is telling me she wants me back and has opened up to me with reasons why she split up with me, some of the reasons I’ve heard before from previous conversations I’ve had with her. She said shes had 7 months to think about everything and told me during those months shes never stopped loving me and realised what she had, had gone.

 

I’ve met my ex a month ago and while I was with this new girl and spent the day together and had good time. Yes I know I shouldn’t have but my feelings for my ex are so strong. I’ve kissed my Ex and stayed the night at hers (we never had sex!) while I was with this new girl and I am not the type of guy to cheat on someone. I know there isn’t an excusable reason for doing so but it just happened. I’ve been honest throughout with the new girl and told her what ive done and she forgives me. This new girl has supported me though out all this whats been going on recently. I’m in a terrible state as I have feelings for this new girl but I love my ex so much. My Ex has said she wants to move in with me, have kids and marry me. But after agreeing we were going to try again, I had doubts of the past repeating and told the ex the next day i needed time to think. I was in such a state that night I rang the new girl up and she came over to comfort me. I told my ex I invited over and she now thinks there is a different side to me and I feel shes loosing faith in me now. BTW I broke it off with the new girl weeks ago as I thought my ex wanted me back.

 

All of this is tearing me apart and I have no idea what to do. Both want me but im so confused about my ex and im scared if I go back to her shes going to end it again at some stage down the line.

[mhowe]

Your ex only wants you now because you have someone else. If you cannot get through 2x w/ the ex and be able to have comfortable communication, you don't have that much in common. If you give up the new girl for the ex, the ex will play w/ you until she is bored and then toss you like yesterdays news.

[skippy10]

Your ex certainly has earned the title above. She only wants what she can't have. It's obviously up to you but I think you know what the outcome will be.

[DN]

I think you should forget the ex and concentrate on the new girl who clearly loves you a lot to have put up with what has been happening with your ex.

 

Your ex is clearly not a woman with whom you can communicate and that is an ongoing issue - even if you were to get back together it would still haunt the relationship and the same cycle will happen again.

 

I agree with mhowe that your ex only wants you now because you are with someone else.

[DylanNotorious]

Oh boy. In a way it was good of you not to continue to "use" your current girl so at least you did the right thing in letting her go. But it got you nowhere. But is she willing to come back? And do you like her enough for this time to make it work?

 

Your ex is not into you. If she was, she wouldn't have ended it. She only wants you back because she knows this other girl wants you too. I'd go for the other girl if I were you.

[Furbys]

'It just happened' isnt a reason, you knew what you were doing.

 

But apart from that the ex is only suddenly wanting you back because you were with someone else. She was having fun stringing you along and because you found someone new she realised she cant do it unless she can split you two up. She got what she wanted, you left the other girl and now she will go back to her usual tricks.

 

She will never change, spare yourself the hurt and humiliation and stop going back to her, she will only dump you again and again. Go find someone who will stay with you, like the younger girl was, she forgave you for your cheating (not many people would do that). You may of thrown away a goodun' there all for a woman who wants to play with you like a puppet.

[sunshine12345]

I think the ex is being genuine now though as shes seems sure what she wants. She has said on a numerous occasions to go and try it with the new girl but i've always said no as I cannot let her out of my life as im in love with her. Shes 34 next year and I dont think shes wanting to mess about as im sure she wants to settle down and have kids. She said shes sorry for messing me out but all what she did was to take time out as it wasnt right for her.

[DylanNotorious]

I think the ex is being genuine now though as shes seems sure what she wants. She has said on a numerous occasions to go and try it with the new girl but i've always said no as I cannot let her out of my life as im in love with her. Shes 34 next year and I dont think shes wanting to mess about as im sure she wants to settle down and have kids. She said shes sorry for messing me out but all what she did was to take time out as it wasnt right for her.

 

No you have it wrong. YOU are not right for her. She's not into this.

[mhowe]

A month or two went past and we met up again for dinner and had a good time. Yet again we ended up kissing and she told me that she owed it to me to try again. But to my surprise a few weeks later she got cold feet and ended it with me again.

 

What would be different this time? Answer: Nothing. She is irked because you have someone new. She is yanking your chain. If you want to go thru the pain again, listen to her, because NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

[jolbell69]

I agree with all of the above posts - please listen to them. Look honestly at your realtionship track-record and notice the repetative cycles. Your ex may change for a little while to get you back, but then, she will revert to type again and leave you hanging. None of us are being negative to upset you, but your story should have proved to you that your ex is not a 'keeper'. Please think about yourself here.

[sunshine12345]

Many thanks for everyones generous feedback. I've never ever had so much strong feelings for someone like my ex before. She is literally the love of my life and I have always pictured getting married to her and raising children together. Its a really deep pain I have to live with each day as im constantly thinking about her. This has effected the relationship a bit with the new girl as I have never had time to get over the ex as shes constantly been in the background all the time. Even though I taken everyones opinion do you think people can change if they really wanted to??

[mhowe]

"if she really wanted to" is the crux of the matter. She didn't even pretend to want to until she heard you had someone else.

 

And given her story, the answer is No. People don't change -- not that easily, not that quickly.

[sunshine12345]

Hmm well before I did tell her I was with someone she had her suspicions and did text me if I had found someone else but I ignored her question and changed the subject.

 

Also I have to add that I told the ex that I wanted to remain friends with the new girl IF we were going to make ago of things again. I promised the new girl I would never turn my back on her whatever the outcome would be. The new girl has even said she would sacrifice her feelings and love for me if I really wanted to go back to the ex if it would make me happy. I am really ashamed of the way i've acted towards the new girl as I have never intended to hurt her, everything has just spiraled out of control!

[HopeArises]

So, everyone is painting his ex out to be this this underhanded person with an M.O. and are ALL telling him to forget the ex. NO, you don't have to do this. What you have to do is be a MAN and take sometime for YOURSELF to figure out what you REALLY WANT. Just from the title of your thread, it says a lot about you and where you are at: "PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME I'M SO CONFUSED!!" Men don't talk like that. You definitely seem lost and insecure. You should NEVER have played things out with your ex for so many months in that fashion. You TRAINED her to take you COMPLETELY for granted, so I CANNOT blame your ex like everyone on here is doing. You NEEDED to show more confidence and back off from your ex, rather than keeping her in a confused state for so many months and asking her questions like: "does this mean we are back together"? You're THE MAN. You NEVER ask those kinds of questions to the woman. She wants the man to take the LEAD and have CONFIDENCE.

 

Right now, you are acting completely helpless and it is NOT attractive. Your new girl should not be putting up with this. She should also NOT be your soundboard for your confusion. It is NOT fair to her. You need to make a DECISION, but you also need to allow yourself to have some room to BREATHE, which you evidently never gave yourself a chance to do, ALWAYS keeping in touch with your ex and letting her know of your feelings for her all throughout. It was THOSE actions that kept her away. She wanted to know that you could stand on your own two feet and WALK AWAY if you had to. The longer you stuck around while she was UNSURE, you just made her more unsure. NOT her fault. Not by a long shot.

 

So, what do I recommend? Be a MAN right now. Know what you want. You can't ask US what YOU should do. YOU need to know what YOU should do in this situation. I recommend you stop consoling in this new girl about your confusion and difficulties and indecisiveness. In the long run it will NOT benefit you.

[sunshine12345]

I take your point, yes I am very insecure and lack confidence but that's due from being hurt in the past from previous rships!! I wasn't the one who ended it, she did. She had her reasons and if she didn't want to keep in contact she should of cut all ties with me.

[EgoJoe]

I actually agree with Hoperises and want to suggest that you hold yourself accountable, hold your ex accountable and be honest with the new girl. Take some time for you and get some space. Tell your Ex, "Yo I need space to figure things out. Leave me alone until I contact you."

 

Believe it or not saying that to her will build attraction the longer you don't contact her...in the meantime see how things go for the new girl and you get your head right. Keep it casual and honest with her.

[sunshine12345]

I did tell my Ex and the new girl i needed time to think. Its probably been 3 weeks now since I been thinking, which im thinking with my heart instead of my head and at this rate will end up back with the ex. The ex has been asking if i've made a decision yet as she said lifes too short and shes not gonna be put on hold as shes getting an old lady as she put it the other day.

 

I asked her if she can give me 100% commitment and never to hurt me again like this and she said that you cannot give 100%, you never know what life with throw at you. There isnt a crystall ball in front of you.

[DN]

I did tell my Ex and the new girl i needed time to think. Its probably been 3 weeks now since I been thinking, which im thinking with my heart instead of my head and at this rate will end up back with the ex. The ex has been asking if i've made a decision yet as she said lifes too short and shes not gonna be put on hold as shes getting an old lady as she put it the other day.

 

I asked her if she can give me 100% commitment and never to hurt me again like this and she said that you cannot give 100%, you never know what life with throw at you. There isnt a crystall ball in front of you.

Don't go back. She's rude, pushy and won't even commit. Yuck!!

[Eocsor]

You really aren't in a place where you can have a relationship with anyone. I'd suggest backing off from your ex and being alone for a while to sort out your head. The new girl is toast as you can't have a real relationship with her while you still have feelings for your ex. She was a rebound and now SHE is paying the price for your selfishness. Thats on you and you'll have to live with that.

 

So stay alone for now and sort yourself out. Any relationship you have now will be doomed.

[TomboyMS]

You really aren't in a place where you can have a relationship with anyone. I'd suggest backing off from your ex and being alone for a while to sort out your head. The new girl is toast as you can't have a real relationship with her while you still have feelings for your ex. She was a rebound and now SHE is paying the price for your selfishness. Thats on you and you'll have to live with that.

 

So stay alone for now and sort yourself out. Any relationship you have now will be doomed.

 

I agree with Eocsor. Take some time out from relationships and get yourself together.

[sunshine12345]

I even got in contact today to ask to meet and discuss things and she said she was meeting a male friend who she hasnt seen in ages and has recently split with his gf. So i dunno whether shes playing hard to get now or mayb im reading too much into it and thinking the worse.

[Eocsor]

I even got in contact today to ask to meet and discuss things and she said she was meeting a male friend who she hasnt seen in ages and has recently split with his gf. So i dunno whether shes playing hard to get now or mayb im reading too much into it and thinking the worse.

 

And all this should be beside the point. You need to figure yourself out before you can have any hope of any relationship. You are in no position to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You would jump through hoops for this girl even if it wasn't healthy for you. And a pushover will always get dumped as people really don't respect anyone without a backbone.

[mhowe]

What in God's name needs to be discussed? She isn't playing hard to get -- she doesn't want you to chase her!! You are reading wayyyyy to much into your calling her and her responding ---- no, I have other plans.

[Tom144]

DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR EX. I was in a similar situation. Be with the new girl. Girls like your ex DO NOT change I know this from experience. She has already walked all over you and is definitely going to do it again. She has been very disrespectful towards you for the whole of your relationship by the sounds of things. She is still not showing you respect she is demanding an answer! She is manipulating you by saying she is an old lady. She wants you to feel sorry for her and go back to her and she knows how to draw you in. Your ex sounds as if she has got an answer for everything. She nows how to win you over.

 

This new girl sounds nice and the fact that she has stood by you throughout all of that shows that she is sincere. You would be a fool to give up on her to be with the ex! You will end up even more heart broken if you go back to the ex. Exes are exes for reasons. Never go back.

 

I was in a situation very similar to this and made the mistake in going back to my ex. I consequently lost both of them and the person I feel most sorry about was the other girl and not giving her the chance she deserved.

 

I would be interested to know if things work out differently for you than they did for me mate! Let us know!

 

"Never go back to your EX. It's like reading the same book over & over again when you know how the story ends."