writing crap

[MEE123]

First off, I would like to say that no contact and not getting in a rebound relationship feels surprisingly healthy now that I'm finally on my way out of the pit I was in (at least I think I am). I'll have to say it was the deepest pit I'd ever blindly thrown myself into and only my second relationship. Lots of emotions this time around.. grief, sadness, self-pity, jealousy, hate, bitterness (which I'm not fully over yet), embarrassment, obsession, maybe even love.. maybe not, etc, etc,. I know this may sound like a bunch of crap about my past relationships, but I honestly feel like now that I look back at my relationship I grew up a little bit. It just struck me all of a sudden and then I got sad because I missed my child-hood relationship..

 

In my first relationship I dated the guy for 8 months. Screwed up in every way possible that a girlfriend could screw up. He called me a * * * * and he was totally 100% right. I was the WORST girlfriend EVER. Anyways, I dumped that sweet guy because I cheated on him and couldn't deal with dating someone I had cheated on. Cut off contact, felt like total crap, and jumped into a new relationship promising to be a better girlfriend (I really tried this time and didn't cheat.. I think my first bf would be proud, not that it matters). This second guy was a jerk. Destroyed my self-confidence, was superficial and selfish. We dated on and off for two years because I kept dumping him. Finally last year, he dumped me. First time being dumped. I didn't cry when he said it.. I just sat there and was kind of in a daze. I remember telling my sister, "I can't believe it. I'm single." Not that being single was such a shock, just that I was totally jaded. I'd been dumped!

 

In the following months life just seemed like a down-ward spiral. Anyways I won't go through allll that, but here I am now. Just today, maybe an hour ago I was thinking about the ex. I was putting my clothes in the dryer, while thinking, "He thinks my life still revolves around him. Well it doesn't. He's selfish." (There were reasons behind these thoughts) "What did he ever do for me that was selfless, without ulterior motives?" Couldn't think of much except that he cooked me breakfast once, which is fine because I've forgiven most of our previous situation. I then proceeded to go upstairs and then I don't remember the exact thoughts, but I remember thinking that our entire relationship was based on sex. "The sex was fun," but there should be more than that. I know that doesn't sound like the biggest epiphany, but when I thought it, it felt intense. I continued along my thoughts, somewhat wide-eyed.. I honestly don't think I could ever pursuit a relationship with him ever again, which is where the sadness came in. When I think back, there were so many fun, crazy, wild times we had together, but I can't see myself doing that anymore. It just all looks stupid and immature. Not that I'm the Queen of Maturity all of a sudden, but that there's a change somewhere inside me. Makes me wonder if he's changed too? (The thought that he has changed is also depressing, not that it's any of my business.) I said out-loud, "Why can't everything just be the same. We could all just not have changed."

 

I feel like my ex saw so much of a part of me; a younger me. I almost feel like I can see that part of me through his eyes, which might make very little sense. Maybe even just as a third person watching the past events play out on a screen. The role of the young girl on screen holds meaning to me because I feel connected to her, yet detached. One things for sure.. I wouldn't change a darn second of any of it, not even the getting dumped part, hah.

 

But yeah, the big "epiphany" was, in the end, thinking about reigniting a flame with my former boyfriend and then realizing I didn't have the desire to do so. I just can't picture it or not that I can't picture the idea, but when I do try to picture it, it's almost as if I don't have any feelings and if there are any feelings present, they're rather platonic. Maybe it's just the current feeling of the day, I'm not sure.. only time will tell. I know just a few days ago I was thinking, "How can not being in a rebound relationship be easier and healthier for someone?" I stand corrected... maybe, haha.

 

I then proceeded to watch this :

 

LOL, too cute.