Not sure if my 'date' went well or not.

[blueidealist24]

So I sort of had a date yesterday. I say sort of because it was left unclear whether it was really just a date or a friendly meeting. We'd been talking online for awhile but he was coming on really strong with dirty talk and stuff, so I told him to cool it and that we should just have a friendly meeting for the first time or else it was going to be awkward, but I was still open to things developing from there after.

 

Anyway, I was reading articles online about what's a good date and what's not, and I'm still sort of unclear. I haven't dated for awhile so I kind of of forget, lol. Anyway at first it seemed like we were having really good conversation, eye contact, etc. and he wasn't checking his phone or anything, but near the end it seemed like both of us were maybe starting to get bored. I think we might have stayed too long - two and a half hours, but I don't know. I'd never sat in a coffee place and talked to someone for that long with like no huge silences, there were only like a few 30 second awkward silences but mostly constant talk the whole time, some laughing at each others' stories, etc. It was just like in the last half hour he started yawning and reading a few text messages, and I was kind of getting tired too so I was less talkative, plus I became freezing cold and put my jacket on around the that time. I said I wasn't putting it on because I wanted to leave right away so we stayed a little while longer but I did notice it became more awkward with him looking around and doing other stuff besides talking to me. I just hope it wasn't ruined by staying too long. Anyway he gave me a ride home and I said we should hang out again another time. At first he said sure enthusiastically but then he said "I'll see, I'm not sure when I'm going to be home again" - he doesn't live in my town normally and was just home for Christmas to see his family. That could rule out the possibility of a relationship but I just kinda want to know if the date went well.. I thought it did but then I thought it didn't.. I think I'm overanalyzing things.

 

I did send a text message later on that night saying I was sorry for not talking much at the end, but I really had got freezing and was really uncomfortable.. I think I was also starving.. anyway he just said hahaha.. but he answered like almost right away, so I guess that's a good sign.. I do have an excuse to talk with him again since he told me to look at something online. Btw he showed up in a brand new jacket and shirt, and said it was brand new, so I'm wondering if he got it just for the meeting or if he was going to get it anyway, since he said he bought it the morning before we were going to meet (in the evening).

 

Oh yeah often I judge if it went well if I get the phone number, but I already had it so I can't use that! lol.

[doiiiieeezie]

I would say that it is a meeting and nothing more because he didn't ask you to go out again and he really didn't seem too interested.

 

Don't wait for this one, I'd simply leave it up to him.

[blueidealist24]

I guess I'll just see, I might have been friendzoned, I got this sort of buddy-buddy vibe that was fun, but not really romantic attraction?

 

I have had dates that were way worse though and the person's ended up wanting to go out again. This was actually the least awkward meeting I've pretty much ever had, although maybe the others were just awful. I dunno.

[calichick007]

He doesn't sound all that interested. I hope this isn't you-know-who... if so, I would not characterize it as a date at all.

[Batya33]

It sounds like if he's in your area again he might call you. He has an interesting way of making a first impression if his choice was to start off with sexual talk so I wouldn't be too disappointed if you don't hear from him again (yes even if he stopped when you told him to).

[lila...]

It's hard to say. I think if he were interested he would've asked you out again, but then again he may be playing it cool. Just wait and see, but like someone else said, don't wait on it.

 

About the sexual talk, I agree with Batya. If someone starts off getting to know me with sexual talk, I would write him off right away. It's a huge red flag and those kind of dates never get far. And just because this was the "least awkward" date of them all, don't lower your standards and go on dates with someone you yourself have little interest in. I get the feeling you weren't very interested in him, but I may be wrong.

[carbon]

Usually after a first date, if the guy is interested, he would at least mention getting together again, if not set up a second date at the end of the night.

 

Also, when a guy wants to establish a serious relationship (or might be interested in doing so) he doesn't start off with sexual overtures. They know that that's not exactly the way to win a girl's heart. They know to respect a girl. Sorry if you were interested in him, but I don't think you're losing much, tbh.

[blueidealist24]

I actually was interested in him.. I found myself afraid to talk to him when I saw him on fb chat this afternoon though. He went off about 15 minutes after I came on, and I don't know if that has anything to do with me. Of course, I'm freaking out thinking maybe it does. I decided to send him an email, just a friendly one, talking about something that we'd talked about on the 'date', but I got no response yet. I don't know if he usually answers emails right away though, I know he gets them right on his phone, but often I've got a response hours later. Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do if he's not interested! I was REALLY interested..

[lila...]

I actually was interested in him.. I found myself afraid to talk to him when I saw him on fb chat this afternoon though. He went off about 15 minutes after I came on, and I don't know if that has anything to do with me. Of course, I'm freaking out thinking maybe it does. I decided to send him an email, just a friendly one, talking about something that we'd talked about on the 'date', but I got no response yet. I don't know if he usually answers emails right away though, I know he gets them right on his phone, but often I've got a response hours later. Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do if he's not interested! I was REALLY interested..

 

I'm kind of on the same boat as you...the waiting game really sucks doesn't it? But think about it- it was only one date. If it doesn't work out, don't fret over it too much. You'll get over it! I went on this amazing date with a guy I really liked. I don't know where I stand right now because I've heard little about him since, though I know he said he would be busy over the Holidays. But I'm prepared to let go and move on if it turned out he lost interest or doesn't ask me out again. I liked him a lot, but it was only one date and I will get over it. If he wasn't for me, then it's for the best. No need to worry about it. I think that when the right person comes along, things will be clear and we won't be in that situation where we're worrying and wondering if he really likes us, if we should text/email/call him out on it/etc. When the right guy comes along, we know. Our gut never fails us.

[blueidealist24]

Btw, I never mentioned but I have known him for a long time, we just recently started talking online again. So it's not the same as if it was like I just met him and then we went out on a date. We were friends, sorta, for a long time.

 

I told him last night.. after he didn't respond to my email still.. that I had too many feelings for him and I would have to go NC if he wasn't interested in me, like delete him off my facebook, msn, etc. I had to do that before in the past too when I liked him before! He said he thought that *I* just wanted to be friends. I had said that online one day since I was getting scared, but I had also said I was open to other things. I guess I gave off a just friends vibe on the date - I never tried to touch him or anything, but mostly out of shyness and not being sure what he wanted. I said I didn't know what I wanted and he said he was going to give me time to think.. I think it's actually him who needs the time.. but I asked him if he found me attractive and he said yes. It seemed like he was a little friendlier after I said I was interested and not just in friends, maybe he thought I was kind of lukewarm. I still think he might just want a sexual encounter though, and was mad since he didn't get it on the date. He won't say what he wants, which makes me suspicious. Well, he keeps changing it. It seems like he switches between 'making jokes' about us hooking up, and wanting to be friends, but he said I'm confusing him too. Blah. Anyway, I don't know how long to elave him. I think him 'giving me time to think' might be just him trying to worm out of the whole deal, since he doesn't want a relationship, but I HAVE NO IDEA.

[Batya33]

With rare exception if one person wants a relationship with another person who they know is interested they do whatever it takes to be clear because they would not want to risk the other person getting snapped up by someone else.

[lila...]

With rare exception if one person wants a relationship with another person who they know is interested they do whatever it takes to be clear because they would not want to risk the other person getting snapped up by someone else.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Blueidealist, it sounds like you're making excuses for him. Silence is sometimes the best indicator...at the beginning stages of dating it means he's not interested. To be honest, you didn't lose much- he doesn't sound like much of a catch if he made references to getting sexual right off the bat.

[calichick007]

Blue, I don't how many times or ways to say this. That guy regards you as a sex object and nothing more. You have accepted his disrespect for years and have even started to indulge/reward it by giving in to his disrespectful requests. He has no reason to treat you well because you've already shown him that you will stick around no matter how poorly he treats you. If you want him "interested" again, you will have to go back to sending him racy photos or start offering sex. That is all he's after.

 

I assure you - the girl he settles down with will be one who demands his respect and demands to be treated well.

[blueidealist24]

With rare exception if one person wants a relationship with another person who they know is interested they do whatever it takes to be clear because they would not want to risk the other person getting snapped up by someone else.

 

He said he didn't know I was interested. He said he thought I said I just wanted to be friends (I sort of did a couple of weeks ago, because I was getting uncomfortable with dirty talk). I think he might just be making an excuse though. For some reason I won't l isten to anyone, even though I have a feeling in the back of my head that he just wants to be fwb/get laid and since he didn't get laid on the date, I'm not worth contacting anymore unless I email him offering him sex or something.

 

Another guy asked me for a naked photo today and I blocked him immediately, but for some reason I WILL put up with anything from this guy I went on the date with.

[Batya33]

Look, if he's going to start out with sex talk then it's a safe bet he's not looking for a serious relationship and if you tell him you're uncomfortable with it he will assume- correctly- that you don't want just sex. His way of getting out of it without coming accross as sleazy is to pretend that he thought that meant you just wanted to be friends. In the rare situation where a guy makes an unintentionally bad first impression by saying something sexual he would be falling all over himself to apologize and reassure you that he is sorry he made you uncomfortable and he isn't just looking for sex.

 

True story -years and years ago when contact lenses were more likely to dry out and be uncomfortable a friend of mine assumed that a man she met at university just wanted to get into her pants because he kept staring at her breasts while they spoke. Turned out his eyes were bothering him and he kept looking down to try to blink and improve the situation. He later told her about his eye problem and she realized what must have happened. That's what I mean by "exception".

 

(and he's not looking for an FWB because he's not looking to be friends first -he's just looking for a sex partner).

[DylanNotorious]

I don't think he's serious. You said you were starving in your text to him, did he not ask you if you wanted to grab something to eat????? And then just replied with "hahahaha"

 

He sounds like a douche.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think he's serious. You said you were starving in your text to him, did he not ask you if you wanted to grab something to eat????? And then just replied with "hahahaha"

 

He sounds like a douche.

 

I never admitting to being starving.. I said in my text that I was FREEZING.

[calichick007]

He said he didn't know I was interested. He said he thought I said I just wanted to be friends (I sort of did a couple of weeks ago, because I was getting uncomfortable with dirty talk). I think he might just be making an excuse though. For some reason I won't l isten to anyone, even though I have a feeling in the back of my head that he just wants to be fwb/get laid and since he didn't get laid on the date, I'm not worth contacting anymore unless I email him offering him sex or something.

 

Another guy asked me for a naked photo today and I blocked him immediately, but for some reason I WILL put up with anything from this guy I went on the date with.

 

A feeling in the back of your head? How many years did it take you to convince him to even take you on this "date" (that doesn't even sound like a real date, btw)? What, if anything at all, has he said or done that makes you think he might want more than sex from you?

[blueidealist24]

He probably does only want sex, I'm just in denial and for some reason can't let go. Anyway, I'm going to message him tomorrow asking him what he really wants. If he doesn't answer, I'll unfriend him on all my sites. Again. The only thing is, if I unfriend him he might show the sexual pic to people, so I might be forced to keep him.

[browneyedgirl36]

He probably does only want sex, I'm just in denial and for some reason can't let go. Anyway, I'm going to message him tomorrow asking him what he really wants. If he doesn't answer, I'll unfriend him on all my sites. Again. The only thing is, if I unfriend him he might show the sexual pic to people, so I might be forced to keep him.

 

He does only want sex -- that's pretty clear. I'm not sure that asking him what he really wants is a good idea -- it just seems desperate, and this guy is really not worth your time. Really, you should go completely silent on him. He's not looking for a relationship with you. You've known him for years and it hasn't gone anywhere. I think it's time to let it go.

 

I know it's hard when you don't think you have a lot of other options, but...having fewer options is NOT a good reason to keep wasting time on a guy who doesn't genuinely care about you. It would be a really good idea for you to sit down with yourself and ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this "non-relationship" -- really, what does it do for you? What do you get out of it, except some attention every so often from a guy who just wants you for sex?

 

My advice is to just stop contacting him altogether without asking him what he wants from you. I think he's made it clear what he wants. As for him showing people that picture if you unfriend him -- well, he can do that anyway, even if you're still talking to him, and he might already have. In the future, don't send these kinds of pictures to guys...there's just too much potential for it to go wrong.

[blueidealist24]

The problem is, there are no guys who genuinely care about me. If he wants to use me for fwb or sex, they all do, since they all treat me the same, OR as a strictly platonic friend, no romantic potential whatsoever. It's like I want a relationship and he's the least bad of the evils. The thing that makes me keep him around is that he sometimes acts like a real friend, like remembering little details about stuff I say and asking me if my Dad and sister are still fighting.. stuff like that.. other people don't seem to remember that stuff or care, even people who claim they REALLY like me.

[Batya33]

The problem is, there are no guys who genuinely care about me. If he wants to use me for fwb or sex, they all do, since they all treat me the same, OR as a strictly platonic friend, no romantic potential whatsoever. It's like I want a relationship and he's the least bad of the evils. The thing that makes me keep him around is that he sometimes acts like a real friend, like remembering little details about stuff I say and asking me if my Dad and sister are still fighting.. stuff like that.. other people don't seem to remember that stuff or care, even people who claim they REALLY like me.

 

Well obviously that's not true that there are "no guys". The situation is more like this - it's not easy to find a man of character, integrity and values that are compatible with your values and where there is romantic chemistry. That's reality (not in a cynical way). "Not easy" doesn't mean "zero" or close to zero. What it does mean is that you both have to be more proactive and more selective. A man who does the sex talk thing right off the bat - bye bye, move on, don't waste your precious time. Spend that time doing activities and being in environments where you will meet men and women who share common interests with you, where alcohol is minimal or not involved at all, where you feel good about yourself so you can make a good impression. If you contact men through on line sites, have a phone call ASAP if the one or two messages/emails seem ok and the profile seems ok, do 80% of the listening at least and meet him ASAP in a public place for a soda or a walk to see if there is chemistry -that is if during the phone call you feel that there is enough in common to enjoy 30-45 minutes of conversation in person.

 

Prioritize actions over words except if there is sex talk early on (then the words take priority) or the words are "I am not looking for a relationship right now".

 

Look for people you are inspired to give to, but only from a position of confidence and self-worth -don't make decisions like that when you're feeling desperate or needy. If a man tells you he only wants friendship and you think he is a good person, ask him if he has any friends he can set you up with.

[blueidealist24]

The problem is, he did say he was maybe looking for a relationship and he was tired of flaky, partying girls and he quit the online dating site like right before Christmas before he was going to meet me, so I thought maybe he was actually interested in me. Also, he invited me to come visit him hours away, but that might have just been for sex, and I said it would be awkward, he seems to have given up that idea lately though. He seems to be all over the map, honestly, but I'm going to confront him this morning by email about it.

[Batya33]

The problem is, he did say he was maybe looking for a relationship and he was tired of flaky, partying girls and he quit the online dating site like right before Christmas before he was going to meet me, so I thought maybe he was actually interested in me. Also, he invited me to come visit him hours away, but that might have just been for sex, and I said it would be awkward, he seems to have given up that idea lately though. He seems to be all over the map, honestly, but I'm going to confront him this morning by email about it.

 

Confronting is not done by email -email is a way to hide from confronting. And anyway, why confront -if you need him to reconfirm his intentions send him an email "when would be a good time to talk by phone" and then actually talk to him and ask nicely but firmly "what are your intentions towards me" - use few words and be direct, no back story, no sharing baggage or your past or what your mother thinks of the men you date etc.

"Maybe looking for a relationship" is far too lukewarm for long distance (take it from one who knows!). And if he mentioned "flaky, partying girls" in a first conversation -that's his best impression? That's entirely too negative when you're trying to make a good impression - would you like it if he called the women you are close with "flaky, partying girls?".

 

If he is interested he will call you and ask you out on a proper date, particularly since he knows you are interested. He told you everything you needed to know about his mindset and intentions in the first conversation and his actions after that pretty much confirmed his lack of interest in a potentially serious relationship. If you need to hear it again, fine, but then do yourself a favor and get it straight from him, by phone so you can have the short conversation "what are your intentions towards me?", get your answer and then say "sounds like we are looking for different things but I do wish you all the best. take care". and then bye bye.

[blueidealist24]

I wish I could call him. It's a long distance number though. I don't want to get the charges or have him have to pay them, especially since it already seems like he is starting to not like me. I also think it would make me look like a stalker (even though he did give me the number). I hardly ever call people anyway. Neither does he. If you guys knew my personality and his, it might make your opinions different. Neither me nor him are the most.. socially skilled.. people ever, and are sort of like loners. Like he said for New Years he was just going to stay at home and watch tv, since it would be too cold outside to go out. He lives by himself and doesn't want to live with roommates since he doesn't trust other people. I think that maybe he doesn't want to give up his lone wolf status for a relationship.. he went out with other girls before for short periods of time, but then said he had to tell them to go away because they 'started stalking him'. His definition of stalking is them sending him a lot of texts. One thing I should also mention is that he was afraid of the man in the line behind him at Tim Hortons, because the man was 'staring at him weird'. I didn't see the man actually doing anything out of the ordinary. He has mentioned being afraid of random people before. Maybe I'm really underestimating his degree of social anxiety off of the internet. I told him the other day about how a guy hit on me in Chapters and I hid behind a shelf and he said he probably would have done something similar if a girl hit on him.