Strategy to get ex back - if they already have someone else?

[whattheheck]

I've been reading about NC and other ideas to help get your ex back. But what if they have someone else already? Obviously, I need to try to move on, but if I really want her back, is there anything else to do or not to do?

[CarterJonas]

There isn't much you can do except to try and move on yourself. Your girlfriend has probably caused you a lot of pain and anger by breaking up with you; and even worse that now she is dating someone new. Would you really want someone back whom has caused this much pain? Remember the pain will go away in the end, ok it would go away quicker if you had her back, but would it be for the right reasons?

 

good luck

[avman]

Unfortunately once your ex has someone else your chances are very low that they will come back to you. Yes, it happens - but not often.

 

In this case, use NC to heal yourself rather than focusing on your ex coming back to you. Go on with your life, live it to the fullest, and put your ex behind you. Many times once you are feeling better even if your ex does come back you do not want them anymore.

 

Take care of yourself.

[daredevil]

What will u do when your ex brakes the nc and gets to you in many sweet ways,... ? if u want to know what u mean u can read my threads

[herewegoagain]

Avman - you are probably right that she will not come back. I have the same problem as whattheheck.

 

In fact, part of the reason she broke up with me was because she was interested in the other guy - a "grass is greener" thing. So i guess we have to move on.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I don't remember the circumstance of both of your cases guys, but remember, feelings change, it make take years for her to want to try again with you. I don't know how that makes you feel. If your first thought is, "Oh great, I'm not waiting that long for her," then you better move on fast. If you're first thought is, "I would love to have her back, even if it was a couple of years from now." Then I would say hope for as long as you want as long as you move on an better yourself.

 

Lets say 437 days from now she calls you. How do you want to look? Do you want to be the changed man that she can try again with, or do you want her to say, "I just called to see if I made the right choice and I'm glad I did, he hasn't changed a bit, I can still see why I dumped him." Actually, someone just said something very recently along these lines after 6 monhts of NC, he just wanted to know if breaking up with him was a good choice or not.

 

You have within your power to make this the worst choice of her life. Not her fault, she just didn't know you had that level of change in you. It's actually too bad for the breakers sometimes. The breakers don't hit "rock bottom" so they have no reason to change themselves. The breakees do, then they change everything about themselves. But since the breakers can't see that change they don't think about taking the person back.

 

 

I always say, hope for the best prepare for the worst.

[whattheheck]

Tiger - good points, as always from you. What you said about how the dumper may never see how much better I've become is my main concern.

 

I'vr asked this before. but no one seems to answer it - how the heck are we supposed to show our ex that we are happy, moving on, confident and so on if we never get a chance to see them because they are with someone else?

 

Any thoughts from anybody?

[whattheheck]

edudlooc - i see what you are saying. I have seen her out before with her new bf, and I was having a good time with friends and other woman. But that's the only time i've seen her. I haven't contacted her or seen her in three weeks.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I'vr asked this before. but no one seems to answer it - how the heck are we supposed to show our ex that we are happy, moving on, confident and so on if we never get a chance to see them because they are with someone else?

 

Any thoughts from anybody?

 

Whattheheck that's the Catch-22, well probably not. But that's definitely the rub.

 

You CAN NOT, I repeat, CAN NOT, make it seem like you're changing for them. You have to change on your own, become the alpha male, and hope they contact you or somehow serendipity brings you together. ANY sign that you are changing for her whatsoever will be viewed as a desparate attempt.

 

The point is you need an inital desire on her part to want to see change in you. Even if you change all these things about you, become the alpha male, and she sees all these changes in you (without you showing them to her) she MAY still ignore those changes. She has to have the initial desire to be curious about you. Hopefully NC will help with this. I think it's Muneca who quotes Francious de La Rochefoucauld (sp???)

 

"Absense diminishes little passions and increases great ones, just as the wind blows out a candle and fans a fire."

 

So if you don't have any desire on her part to see your change then it won't matter how much you change. I know, life sucks. But like life itself, given the right cirumstances, her desire can flurish. She has to have SOME initial desire and then you have to change. But even that might not be enough if something else is keeping her from you (like in my case, an ex bf).

 

But to quote Swingers:

 

"You see Mikey, there's nothing you can do to make her want to come back. In fact you can only do things to make her NOT want to come back... You see that's the thing.. somehow they no not to come back until you really forget"

 

 

But NC is supposed to get her curious about you. If she doesn't get curious then there's nothing you can do. If she does, you better be ready. But you're thinking on the order of weeks still. This may take months or years. Sometimes you'll have to let this relationship run its course if she has her mind set on this other guy. Most women don't go around testing the waters with any guy they see. They stay very dedicated to one man until it turns sour. So just because she's dedicated to him doesn't mean she doesn't think about you, nor does it mean she's not making a mistake. It only means that she has her blinders on and is really trying to concentrate with this new guy. Take it from a guy whose girl was so dedicated to her ex that she admitted that she would concentrate on that relationship even if it turned out to be a big mistake.

 

Good luck

[belle4]

THe way I see it is that people break up and make up all the time. IT IS VERY TRUE that you need to change on your own and not because of your ex. If you are becoming a better person, why should you care what you think? If they are out all night meeting other people, drinking all the time, partying hard, dating someone else, yes it will hurt us but in the end, who will come out a stronger person? YOU.

[whattheheck]

Tiger, belle, edlooc - very good points again. My question is this - I'm almost positive she would meet me/talk to me if/when she breaks up with her new man. But how the heck will I ever know if/when she breaks up with him? Should I send her a casual email once every few weeks, or just strictly do NC? I probably already know the answer - stick with NC and let her come to me if she desires.