Learning to cope with friendship

[Noggy27]

Hi

 

I have now been in No Contact with my ex GF for 3 weeks. She phoned me today and asked me how I was doing.

 

anyway... My point is. We are finally on speaking terms together and since she kicked me out of the house and started dating another guy days after the breakup its good to finally get some idea of what she wants from me.

 

She basically told me in a nutshell that she feels terrible for what we have been through and the last few months has been crazy. She says she is happy with her new guy still and he seems to fulfill her needs. She also still says that hes not her boyfriend. "Hes just some guy I am dating and meet him once a week or something" She says...

 

Anyway.. She says she wants me as a part of her life and she wants to work on becoming friends and fixing the burnt bridges. She said this. "Just keep giving me space to breath and I will phone you again when I am ready and we can start working on our friendship".

 

O.k... So finally some closure. I know where I stand with her now and know she doesnt hate me.

 

Questions..

 

How the heck am I going to deal with in future being her friend when she has another boyfriend? Its going to hurt me like crazy.. What have you guys done? I mean. I WANT to be her friend but don't think I can cope with her being with another man. I know it sounds immature but it makes me feel like a reserve wheel. Is this a pain I am going to have to learn to deal with and accept?

 

This guy seems like a nice guy but he doesnt do anything for her or help her in the house in any way. I mean she is totally independent and does all the DIY and Gardening and stuff herself now (i used to do that). This guy only comes round once a week for a bit of action (if you know what I mean).

 

Do I still stand a chance at winning her back now in this boat? If so am I going to have to get to terms with her being with another man now?

 

What are my best steps now? Apart from continuing my NC? How am I going to deal with the jelousy I feel with this guy?

 

I know whats going to happen.. I am going to get a call from her one day and we will start being friends and I am going to end up doing her gardening and looking after her daughter and spending time with her and at the end of the day shes going to turn round and say "Well thanks for helping me out with the garden, it was good to see you but I have a date in one hour with my bf so you are going to have to go".

 

Makes me the one doing all the work and hes reaping all the benefits

 

Maybe it will work in my advantage though? Maybe she will see how much I have changed and what I great asset I am to have in the house?

 

Am I being daft? Any ideas? I Still want her back

[Protex]

If you think that the friendship will cause you more harm than good, then you shouldn't allow it to happen.

 

It's up to you and no one can force you to be her friend, and no one can force you to hurt.

[Noggy27]

Thanks

 

Deep down I think Friendship will help me develop our relationship again to almost a point where she might remember what a great guy I am.

 

I personally think that the jelousy will not benefit me and it will be an immense but short term pain.

 

I feel that the benefits outweigh the pain it will cause me. I mean, to get a loved one back you got to be their friend right? You know what I am saying? If the pain becomes to much I think I will just tell her.

 

"Look I am sorry my dear but I have loved being friends with you these last few weeks and I am glad you are happy but this still hurts me to much goodbye" Kinda thing.. If you know what I mean?

[RayF]

Yeah man.

 

Honestly I don't think you should be her friend. I mean it's up to you of course.

 

If you can handle it never being anything more, or handle her new guy and you still want it. Try it.

 

But really, If shewanted you then she needs to realize it should be all or nothing.

 

I'm not sure who broke it off but if it was her then she needs to DEAL with the decision she made. She wanted you gone. She got it. Let her suffer the consenquences.

 

I really find that it's mostly chicks who pull this kinda crap. they like to keep their options open.

 

If you want her back, maybe you can play it cool for a bit, just until you feel she may like having you in her life. Then back off and tell her you can't handle it being just friends.This may make her realize she could lose you all over agian.

 

Honestly though,i'd advise against that. All it will do is cause you pain.She screwed you over already, don't let her screw you over more.

[lady00]

trust me, guys do it too.

[Noggy27]

If you want her back, maybe you can play it cool for a bit, just until you feel she may like having you in her life. Then back off and tell her you can't handle it being just friends.This may make her realize she could lose you all over agian.

 

This was my plan really..

 

I figured if I just never spoke to her again now and I am in NC again but i figured that if we become friends again. It will be a lot harder for her to never see the new improved me when i walk away?

 

Does this make sense?

 

I just want to prove that I am the better catch and be friends again with her without hurting too much.

[maria219]

I saw the title of the original post and it drew me...I kinda have a stupid question..sorta related...but is it possible to be friends with an ex whom you still have strong feelings for? The other part to it is that the ex still has strong feelings also towards the person and is not seeing anyone at the moment. Dating is probably not in the future (due to the reason of the breakup which was a potential long distance relationship (only 11 months down the line so we still see each other daily..) but can a friendship work in this instance?

[Noggy27]

This question is impossible to answer in my opinion.

 

It all depends on the people involved. My friend for example is best friends with his ex. I have another friend who wont even go near his ex. It all depends on the people and if they were friends before the relationship really. Can they see eachother as friends? Or do they yearn for the passion they once had and are both just fooling themselves?

 

Truth is. I dont know and I dont think anyone can answer that question. Yes it is possible and at the same time No its not possible. It just depends on who you are.

[Noggy27]

What I wanted to know is that in all these strategies people keep saying that the partner your ex is going out with doesnt matter. That person isnt even part of the equation.

 

They say you should compliment that person and not criticize their new exes. All the people who have won their ex back have in some way had to deal with their exes new partners. The question is HOW??

 

How do you win your ex back when you know that no matter what you do she will go home with him at the end of the night?

[maria219]

yeah, that's really hard to answer...but how does she really feel about having a friendship? Is she interested? In my case, I think that at this moment (2 months later) we're both finally interested in a friendship..but earlier on he wasn't. To me, if the other person isn't willing or wanting that friendship...what can you do besides giving her space?? She seems to be willing now (after reading the original post...) but it seems like she is laying down all the rules...and that isn't right. Your feelings are on the line here...so you need to figure out some guidelines for a potential future friendship so you won't get hurt over and over again when you do see her..hope that helps somewhat.