totally confused - neutral advice please?

[kirsty]

hi,

I really dont know where to start here but i will try and make it as brief as possible.

I have been with my bf for a year and a half. We were a ling distance thing at first, no commitment as such and all went ok. Then I moved to uni for a year and we decided mutually to live together (seemingly v bad idea). I know it was rushed but it wasnt a pressure thing and it was only temporary.

However I was moved away from family, friends and my daughter stayed with my parents while I did my first year at uni as she was settled in a school etc.

I have two previous violent relationships where I was cheated on a great deal and abused mentally and physically.

When I moved to live with my bf then my insecurity began to show and it got worse and worse, me thinking he was being disrespectful by looking at other girls, thinking he flirts, being insecure about my body etc.

This in turn made him feel hurt and angry at me.

There was also things tho that I didnt like such as the fact that he started smoking cannabis a lot (I hate the smell of smoke, I made a huge effort to give up years ago), annoying habits like chomping his food etc. I apprecaite that there were bound to be hitched like this but it seemed that he anything I told him I didnt like he simply ignored and carried on with.

Anyway, a week ago he said he had had enough of me and broke up with me saying it was for the best. When he came home that night we talked and decided that as I was making a HUGE effort not to be insecure then we would try and see how it went.

Since then I have felt that everything I have done has been wrong and that he is constantly getting annoyed at me. He finds talking hard, anything I try to discuss ends up with a yelling match and him swearing away at me.

I have told him that I feel he is disregarding my feelings and that he shows no compromise but he just gets angry at me.

Where do I go from here?

It all just seems such a mess and I dont know whether to just call it a day (we have a months holiday planned in June) after the holiday and go home (which is my plan anyway but he says he is going to come with me) or whether to try and work it out.

Any neutral advice very welcome.

Thanks for listening x

[mermayd]

wow...this is so strange b/c I am going through the EXACT same dilemma. I had a talk with my bf a few days back and told him how I was feeling. We talked at a coffee shop where there are a lot of people so there would be no overly-emotional or argumentative words or feelings. I decided that most of my feelings are drawn within myself...my own personal insecurities and I need to see someone professional to help myself if I cannot overcome it on my own. I also told him what I found would be helpful for him to do. He agreed to try (but sometimes its in one ear and out the other). I know that if I were to continue this behavior that I would push him away. We have never broken up but I am afraid that will happen if I am always upset and hate myself so much. We talked about it and I feel better and I am telling myself whenever those thoughts come into my head that "its ridiculous" to think that way...that he loves me...he comes home to me...I am poisoning myself.

I think it would be a good idea to try and work this out. It will make you a stronger person and force you to look at yourself differently and change your way of thinking and have a healthy relationship. Unless he is showing true signs of abuse or unfaithfullness, then I say you need to be on your own. But if he looks at other women, thats natural. I hate it too, but we have to accept and deal with this as it is part of human nature.

We are letting our insecurities take charge of our mind, we need to take control and in order to do that we have to face our thoughts and say it simply isnt true, if not, they will eat away at our mind. I am afraid that if you leave this relationship. you will be thinking that you are leaving the problem and you will feel all better after. But (unless he's abusive) you will only be running away from yourself and the problem will persist whether you are with him or not, those insecurities and fear will trail in your mind and enter into the next relationship. Try to resolve this within yourself and tell your guy to hang in there with you and you could end up with a beautiful relationship.

[Lukoi]

Not everything is black and white. You have found an overt grey area in your life. Your insecurities are not his fault, and it is sad you took them out on him. But your insecurities are not YOUR fault either, and its sad he isn't compassionate and understanding enough to help you deal with them. If you love him, my only advice it to be straight up and honest, even if that means a trial parting for a while. If you don't, its too much heartache for you to go through. Think about yourself and your child before anyone else. Does this man make you happy? Will he make you happy in the future? Is he stable and reliable? How often does he do drugs? There are a million questions you must ask yourself. Perhaps do a huge "Pro's and Con's" list, a self survey, whatever. It could, would, help you sort through your muddled problems.

Either way, good luck, and hope your heart is intact when you come out at the end of this, single or still with your man.

 

[kirsty]

Thank you for taking time to try and help me out here.

Talking in a public place seems like a good plan, help to keep the emotions down as they always run high when we try and talk, I feel he doesnt listen to what I am saying and he feels I am getting at him. Its also to do with the fact that he says that I am more intelligent than him and he finds this threatening at times. Also he says I am better at argueing but thats just me being female i guess ;o)

I do think a lot of my feelings are from inside me. I went to a counsellor and I didnt find that useful as she basically just listened to me and then repeated everything I told her. It has ben suggested that I would benefit from psychological help but I have been messed around by the authorities and have moved house as i mentioned so I am going to try and get help like that after our holiday in summer. I think it would help me.

He shows no signs of abuse or unfaithfulness. He even says hat he tries not to look at other girls when he knows it will make me feel bad. Thats one thing I find very hard to deal with. I take it as a sign of disrespect and I feel that he is finding them more attractive than me which hurts me and makes me more insecure.

Do you have any further advice about taking control of my mind? This I know is a major thing for me, my mind is often controlled by thoughts and emotions, not just where my bf is concerned but family and friends too. I worry a lot too. I would love to be the one who controlled my thoughts not them controlling me.

[kirsty]

Thank you for your help.

I think in my heart that this bloke is a good one, the only thing I really dont like is the smoking cannabis but I know a million other blokes with worse faults.

One thing that I wory about is that I have fallen in love with the idea of a good man not the actual man himself, but I think thats just my mind thinking too much as usual!

A self survey sounds like a good idea.

Thank you again.

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