I think my girlfriend is a lesbian.

[moleculo]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We;ve been friends for about three years

 

Last summer she asked me what I would think about her doing something of a physical nature with her best friend, who is bisexual it seems. I told her hypothetically it was a hot concept but in actuality it would probably really upset me. When discussed it was made clear that if they were to do something, itd be just the two of them. I'm not all that comfortable with watchign two people go at it anyway. So basically we agreed that it wasn't a good idea. Case closed.

 

Fast forward to this summer. I live in a city and she's working in the city but lives outside of it. TO cut costs shes been staying with friends...me mostly. But she stays the night with her best friend and apparently after alcohol and a little pot...stuff happened. As far as I know they made out and she doesnt remember if anything else happened after that. I mean I know in most situations like this would just be experimenting, but she's been with women before...nothing major, but we weren't dating. I don't mind, it's her life.

 

At first glance it doesnt seem so bad and that's what I keep telling myself. But...she lied abou it. She didnt tell me at first...we had an early breakfast the next day. I jokingly said "You called me so early i thought you cheated on me or something" and she laughed it off. When i asked her what they did the night before, I got a total "yadda yadda" That weekend she behaved very strangely, calling me in tears and refusing to explain why...using the standard problems she had as a cover. The next monday I finally asked her point blank if she had done something and she denied it like crazy. She acted like it was a joke at first and then flat out lied to me. And she was a very convincing liar, as by the end she asked me "Look in my eyees. Do you believe me?" And I smiled and said yes. And after a few minutes she said she felt sick and finally came clean. We had a rough few days...I got equally drunlk and nearly made out with a girl but I held back...didn't feel right.

 

So now we're still together and I feel so pathetic...it's been nearly 2 months and I can't get over it. I mean, it is my first cheated on scenario. And also...she's very apologetic and remorseful, but simultaneously, she seems to dodge total responsibility, blaming the alcohol and other substances. Also she lied to me so well and seemingly so easily...It's tough when you feel like you can't trust your best friend. She always used to try to make me jealous, like one of those stupid mind games couiples play, and now she's back at it and it doesn't seem remotely funny anymore. Or appropriate when she calls hanging out with the best friend a "hot date"

 

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting, the other feels like I'm letting myself be pushed around. I just want to get over this...I want to scream out at the top of my lungs but I don't know what I want to say. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with her being attracted to women...she doesn't really show any attraction to men, only women and me...sometimes I think she might be a lesbian. If she were, I'd support her. But I'm worried I'm putting myself in a bad situation.

[i_hate_the_world47]

Well,first off she had no right to cheat on you,then lie straight to your face.If i were you i would have broke it off.But,also there is the fact that she is attracted to wome,or may be attracted to women.Have you tried asking her about it?I think you should.I hope everything works out.

 

~Meagan~

[Day_Walker]

You have two options . . . you can break up with her or continue the relationship. Normally I would suggest breaking up with her but you have a unique situation. It is possible for you to take advantage of this situation, if it is something that you want. Of course I am talking about a 3 way. You already know that this isnt the girl for you otherwise she wouldnt have cheated on you or atleast you should know that. Since you have this knowledge it is easier for you to pursue the threesome. After the 3 way has been completed she has served her usefullness and feel free to break up with her. Now if you dont want or cant handle a 3 something then my suggestion would be to just break up with her. Remember that she has broken your trust, which is grounds for breaking up.

[behind_these_eyes]

I don't agree with Day_Walker. That's mean to use her just to get some cheap thrills and then toss her away. If you want to stay friends with her if/when you've broken up, i wouldn't advise that. But you should never ever trust someone who looks you in the eye and lies. I think you're totally justified in feeling the way you do. Don't think you're overreacting.

[moleculo]

Well with the fact that it wasn't like a huge deal and the fact that she lied to me out of fear, not evil, we're still together.

 

It's weird...when we're together, I feel fantastic. When we're apart I think about what happened and I feel like I may have taken the wrong turn. But then when I see her again I feel great...and then yeah, I feel bad about it when I turn around again.

 

I'm calling for a boycott of the earth, who's with me?

[sonjam]

Firstly, and maybe this is just me, but I would not call this cheating. I would say they have a mutual attraction, which is quite normal (to me) for my best friend. You have to remember that the chemistry between girlfriends is quite different to that between a guy and a girl. She might have chemistry with her girlfriend, but that should not be threatening to you, unless she wants nothing to do with you anymore, and wants to replace your with her friend. But don't go chasing geese now, why don't you just forget the whole thing, even beter, make best friends too, with her best friend. A very good mutually understanding friendship can grow from that, and who knows, maybe you will come to see in her friend what your girlfriend sees (without trying to cheat).

 

I know there is a very thin line here, but i guess what I'm asking, is give her a chance, maybe she likes girls, but would never want to spend her life with one, or replace you with one. I think it's innocent enough, looking at your and her age, to say it really is still experimenting. Let up, and enjoy your g-friend for who she is.

 

I would however try and work on the lie/trust issue. Did she lie for fear of losing you? Are you being too harsh on her to get trust from her?

 

Hope you get this sorted out!

[insomnia]

SOnjam....I tried that and my ex met a woman and started having feelings for her....became confused and decided to be with her and broke up with me....eventhough we were happy and in love...no arguments. She said her feelings were growing for her and that she didn't want to hurt me. At first she said it was a temporary break but then changed it to permenant. One day she says she is in love with me and the next she says she isn't anymore. A week after I saw her and made love to her for the last time" she started a relatiosnhip with her girl.

 

I know she doesn't want to go "full lesbian"...she is Bi...and she is enjoying her time with the first woman she was ever with.....she says I'm the only man for her but should I believe that? Should I give up on her ever coming back? Did she end it cuz she wants to be with something different or did she break-up because she just didn't wanna be with me.

[sonjam]

*sigh*

 

Well, now it is not just the best friend anymore, but a new woman. I assume since my last post you guys broke up over it and she is now with this new woman.

 

Things sort of worked themselves out, didn't they? It' really is up to you, but I would not hang around to see if she wants me back. You see, eventually so many things happen in the mean time, that it gets harder and harder, should you get back together, to overlook the things that went wrong. I know all you are focussing on is getting her back at the moment, but what if shed does come back. How will you trust her, to not do it to you again, and will you be able to get past all this - assuming she wants you back eventually. AND also, in her mind, she will be able to do whatever she wants, couse you will be waiting on the sideline, waiting for her to finish, so she can take you back.

 

Seriously, get on with your life, there is millions of nice girls out there, just waiting for a nice guy like you to meet them. You deserve better.

 

Your girlfriend might or maynot deside what she wants, and it may be you, but then you must show her that if she wants you back, she will have to earn you back, don't just fall into her lap!. Show her you carried on with your life too, you are wanted and popular.

 

Good luck!

[moleculo]

See I disagree that it's not cheating...i mean, I have no problem if she's bi or anything...but when you're in a relationship and you both are dedicated to the monogamy of it all, I don't care the gender of the person, if you're attracted to that person and do something, it's cheating.

 

I get kind of bothered by the "different attraction" because I have so mny male friends who cheat on their girlfriends with female friends because "it's how we express our friendship" If you have an open relationship, fine. But we don't and we both wanted that...heck she made it clear to me before I brought it up that we were exclusive to each other.

 

Also, I think it's kind of disrespectful to homosexual relationships in a way...I mean, it's like saying that if you cheat on someone heterosexually it means something but homosexually it doesn't.

 

If she's a lesbian then fine, I'd step aside and let her live...I'd be upset for a while but I love her and I'd support her...if she's bi, I support that too, but I'm not spending my relationship experiencing other people physically and I won't be with someone that's physically experience other people, regardless of gender.

 

As far as honesty, I think it's because she was afraid of losing me...I don't think im the kind of guy that makes her feel she HAS to keep to herself but I could be wrong.

[t9eme]

i agree with you moleculo. monogomy goes both ways (pun! haha). but what i'd like to know is this... maybe she feels the same thing for the universal sex symbol (females) that you do. and yes, she's experimented, and that usually doesn't work well in monogomous relationships. but what if you could trust her to be done with it and agree that both parties should notify one another before getting with anyone else. and you said cool, you'll trust her. she wants to be with you... How would you feel about being with a girl that loves you with all of her heart, but like everyone else in the world, gets a hard on for female beauty (it's an ancient greek thing)? i'd like to know how guys would feel about that. more girls might admit thier affinity for females.

[moleculo]

Honestly if she called me and asked I'd say no...not to be like "IM IN CHARGE AND WONT ALLOW IT" but no, I wouldn't be okay with it.

 

Women are hot, I'm fine with that. I don't know if I'd be comfortable in a three person relationship or experience but I've never done it so maybe I would be but I doubt it.

 

I also has been implied to me that if it were to happen again, I wouldn't be invited or even remotely involved...I don't think I'd want to be, but it would depend on the nature of the relationship. We have a very deep, personal, one-on-one relationship and I don't see myself wanting to share in this one and I know she wouldn't want a situation where I saw other people.

 

No offense but y'all got a crazy gender. We're dumb and jerks, no doubt. But y'all are craaazy!

[NotGay,Really]

One thing no one here has talked about is the role that alcohol/drugs played in this whole thing. Correct me if I'm wrong. Your girl's "best friend" got her a bit loaded and THEN engaged in intimacy. I think that's another reason your girl was so ambivalent about this incident.

 

I'd keep an eye on the "best friend." Your girl has free agency-- she can go to whoever she wants. But when judgement is impaired by alcohol/drugs, all bets are off.

[moleculo]

Oh the alcohol part bugs me almost as much...like it's a write off or something.

 

"I wouldn't have gotten drunk with her if i knew it would happen...I only get drunk with people I trust"

 

So now I just have to be worried any time she drinks I guess.

[TrevorBG]

I also consider it cheating. Call me old fashioned, but if you're in a commited relationship with someone and they have sex or mess around with someone else it's cheating.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years has recently discovered she is a Lesbian and I'm not really dealing with it very well at this point. She stays out all night with this girl...and just a couple of days ago I discovered they were sleeping together. She also lied to me about it. To complicate matters we have a little girl together. My parents separated when I was 11 and I wanted something better for my daughter. I think that's the hardest part of this whole thing. My girlfriend was also hurt very badly by men when she was younger (among other terrible things she was raped at gunpoint when she was 12), and I know some people will attack me for saying this, but I think it's possible she's not a lesbian and is just running from her past. She told me a few days ago she's the happiest she's ever been....but she used to cut herself, and yesterday for the first time in 2 years she did it again. 8 Very deep cuts down her arm. It was hard to stop the bleeding. I don't understand why she would do this if she's so happy with her new found sexuality.

 

Anyhow....I'm open to any advice anyone might have for me....and to the OP, you're not alone.