when do you give up?

[Mamasita]

We are star crossed lovers if ever... and its hard HARD work.

 

My boyfriend suffers from anxiety. His parents divorced when he was young, he had no relationship with his father to speak of (his father started a new family). He and his sister - dont seem to have a good history of relationships, they both have a child each, she has now decided she is gay, they are both seeing a psychologist for respective issues... mostly seeming to be stemming from not having a dad around?? I am not sure. He is 35, an attractive man, tall, dark, handsome, great lover... not a very romantic or loving boyfriend (no babes, honey, you are my everything etc etc) but he does what is required, there have been flowers (lately he just says i dont deserve them), valentines & anniversaries were special - if a little sterile but celebrated nonetheless. He said he didnt want anymore children, he said he didnt believe in marriage. he changed his stance on that but we're back there again. He is articulate, hard working, lives a fit & healthy lifestyle and is very conscientious as a person, is passionate about skydiving and plays an active role in his teenage daughters life and upbringing. He loves my son and is fantastic with him... and he says he loves me, he used to say he wanted to be with me. lately we have both been questioning whether we have a future together, i dont say it to him but he says it to me. i dont know if he just wants reassurance because he is insecure - or if he really means it. i feel like im the one that has to be strong in this relationship, that has to push us to every level and keep us going. when he gets mad at me, we fight, i get over it, if i get mad at him - it seems to cripple him and he lashes out so nasty.

 

we have fought all the way through our relationship, we have argued it has been a battle from one stage to the next. He has been quite controlling, he would go through my phone, fb msgs, and computer and fly off the handle at the presence of photos of exes - all of which have been deleted, inappropriate msgs that I replied to (a comment made by my ex brother in law about my boobs that i just laughed about has made me someone that likes sleazy men and sleazy comments), inappropriate comments on my fb - i have to delete, does not see the humour in lewd humour by anyone male/female. he gets disgusted with my loud & raucous behaviour if/when i've been drinking, he insults me over bad decisions I have made in the past (before he even came along), keeps bringing up issues from when we first together, keeps bringing up the fights/troubles we have had like its all my fault and dosnt let them go.

 

I am a fairly easy going person, love to laugh, joke, very out going & make friends easily. my drinking is social but my friends/sisters are very much the loud, funny, life of the party types, love & enjoy people nothing horrible or extremely inappropriate - just the normal silly stuff. but he has been hurtful each time as if my behaviour is repulsive (he is quite reserved) i feel like he was drawn to me by my bubbly nature, i dont know why he's so rude about it... i dont know why he is so rude to me about anything. he talks down to me, he is bitter and nasty when he is upset (most people are) but it feels like these emotions roll out so easilly for him, much easier then being kind or loving. we fight almost every week, we have broken up 5 or 6 times and yet each time i miss him, or we miss each other and try to give it another go... and then we fight and end up hurt, crying etc.

 

I feel like he will never make me happy, but something makes me keep going back - there is love there, i do love him, i feel i understand him and like... we could make it, but it will be with a lot of patience and understanding on my behalf, and tolerance, and doing things his way rather then doing things my way. i just think - if im the happy one - shouldnt we be following my lead? shouldnt i be the one being accepted and enjoyed rather then the one doing all the compromising and changing and toning down? he even criticises my overuse of facebook, makes comments like I dont have a life, that its so inane... who cares? why criticise me if it makes me and my friends happy & get a bit of a chuckle out of sharing things or status updates? why criticise me at all? it seems everyone family/best friends, it feels like everyone gets and loves me for who i am but him? it's like he loves 70% and cant stand 30% and it's dragging me down, lately it has been very bad... we broke up a few months ago (a big one) and feels like we havnt recovered from that. he accuses me of being dishonest, he found pics of an ex in an album on fb that i forgot about and threw me out of his place... i feel like we are that trailer park trash couple in the house next door, screaming, pushing, shoving, one minute then back in love the next, misunderstandings are constant and he's always assuming the worst of me.

 

am i REALLY wasting my time. i guess no one can tell me... im just feeling so CONFUSED. he tells me im the one that makes him feel like he's not a good boyfriend when i feel like im always telling him how great he is, but then we fight and its.. terrible. i wish there was a way to know, i wish i knew why i always go back? i wish i knew if its worth it, if he's worth it, if i stick this through if we'll get there, if he's the one, if we could ever have a good relationship. this is so hard

 

Poem: (Heidi)

Filled with guilt from his heavy hand,

Why can't she leave this wretched man?

You can see the way he tears her apart,

Tears of blood drip from her broken heart.

 

The wounds on the oustide may not be deep,

But all the while her soul gently weeps.

When will her knight in shining armour come?

I tried my best, but away she would not run,

 

From all this darkness, all this abuse.

God may forgive me for thinking of an excuse,

To give up my hope, my help and my plans,

Giving her freedom in a different land -

 

A land of dreams, of desires, and love,

Surely she deserves this, my angel from above.

I no longer know what to do, think or feel,

Each night I ask myself, is it all real:

 

Life, love, hopes and dreams,

Do we all float the tide downstream,

With no oar to guide our path,

No bright eyes to lighten the dark?

 

Verses, pictures, futures we've shared,

There was no doubt that we cared,

About the same things, the same life,

All I could dream - one day she'd be my wife.

 

And under the setting suns, we might

Love, learn and laugh late into the night.

Stories of past-times and tender feelings,

Written for little souls in future's evenings.

 

What went so wrong in this world,

To make no truer love fail to unfurl?

Why does hate and hurt seem

Always to win the fairest girl?

 

Looking back I cannot see what I did,

To make such a mess of it.

One thing's certain, one thing's clear,

In my heart I still have love, but I fear -

 

That soon my soul will have to move on,

And when you come to me, I will have gone.

But for the moment, this much is true,

Heidi, my twin flame, I still love you...

[EgoJoe]

The only things that somebody can "make" you feel are sensation and pain. Try to rewrite this post (on your wordpad or something) without using the words can't, never, the phrase "i feel like" or "i feel that", "makes me/him/i/us feel" and see how much different it looks.

 

Also, he is right, you guys need to heal.

[Mamasita]

heal from what Joe? heal from all the break ups? arguments? I realise I am sounding like a quitter... I just dont know if I should even try!

[Eocsor]

Seriously, only you can decide if it's worth it. No one else. Usually when people come on the forum to ask if they should break up they've already made up their mind and are just looking for validation from other people. Just be careful. Sometimes once the genies out of the bottle theres no getting it back in. Breakups are often permanent and it's only later we realise what we've lost.

[Thorshammer]

Hmmm, are you adding to the situation at all? Are you leaving anything out? Reason why i ask is because he sounds like how i used to be, and my ex had depression/anxiety. She would criticize me for the smallest thing, so i would get defensive and very insecure. She was also very valley-girl-ish, so she would make fun of people, and i feel would leave people COLD if something better came along (not leave a bf, though she did leave me after she made friends, but she would cancel on me if her friends wanted to go out, so i put up boundaries due to that). She always made me feel like the bad bf, that i didnt bother trying to be the good one as much as i should have, because it was a lose/lose situation. Though there was a lot of love there, and i always had her laughing.

 

Regardless, i can tell he has insecurity. The jealousy and control are all acts of insecurity. Also, his "attacks" on you come from his insecurity, he tries to devalue you to raise his value in return, i am sure he does this because of how it makes HIM feel (less insecure/more valuable), not because he wants to hurt you.

 

Does he have a bad past with women, or family issues?

[bulletproof]

I feel like people can tell you that yes, you are wasting your time. Any guy who tells you what photos you can have on your facebook page has a real problem. And why would you ever delete them because he told you to? This isn't his anxiety issue. This is his personality, and it's controlling and angry. Not all people get bitter and nasty when they are upset. The fact that you not only expect but accept this type of behavior is unhealthy. Nobody should be going through your phone, computer, etc.

 

Get away from this guy, and spend some time on your own to figure out what attracts you to such an angry person. Perhaps you don't feel like you deserve better? That's something that should really be addressed now if you want to have a healthy relationship with someone else in the future.

[top bloke]

When to give up? Right now!! Lifes too short to be with someone who cant accept you for who you are. From what youve written I feel you have a lovely nature but ut seems he cannot accept the fact that you can enjoy a joke and wants to make you feel less than who you are by trying to make you feel like youve done something wrong...

Seriously you deserve alot better treatment than that and he loves himself first . Get out of there and find a man who you can laugh together about things and love together. We are dead in a second and a decision now will save you alot of heartache if you walk away now. Hope you do. Hope you find real happiness not this muppet

[jakane88]

Hey everyone. First of all I am a guy and am looking to do whatever it takes (and changer for the better) to be with my ex again. My ex gf and I recently had a get-together that seemed like it would be a promising re-connection for both of us. In May I sporadically took off from Atlanta (our hometown) to DC to look for jobs in my career. I had cheated on her once previously but was honest with what happened. When I left for DC i went out drinking one weekend and a girl kissed me and I resisted after a second. When I got home I had told her what had happened and that I thought it was best if I moved on b/c of my actions. I suffered this entire summer working a dead-end job in a restaurant and jobless at this point. In August she finally got back in touch with me and she told me "it just can't work b/c of the distance." On her b-day in September I sent Teleflora to her house along with a letter with some pictures of us. She then reiterated, "The only way it would work Jack is if you were here in Atlanta." At the end of September I decided it was best to comeback to be with all of my family and friends in Atlanta. Just being 22, working a low-paying restaurant job, and on my own in DC, it only made sense for me to move back to Atlanta. When I told my ex about me moving back she seemed a little bit open to the idea. Her and I were being humorous with texting and she told me when i get settled in Atlanta we can meet up. We met up last week for a dinner and movie get-together and after the movie she told me she was, "over me." I was completely shocked and did not expect it coming. I was heartbroken too, bigtime. Since that, she agreed to go to a football game with me and even hits me up on fbook every once in awhile. Its been a rough past week and all I think about is her and how if i could get back with her, I would make it the most worthwhile relationship to her. Is it really over or is she submissively wanting to get back w/ me? Let me know your input.

 

IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY, THEN DONT SAY IT.

 

Thanks,

 

Jack

[Eocsor]

Get out of her life and give her the chance to see what it's like totally without you. You're being friend zoned now. And I know you don't wanna hear it but this relationship is in all likelihood, dead. It seems like she really has moved on and wants only friendship.

[The Mouse]

Get out of her life and give her the chance to see what it's like totally without you. You're being friend zoned now. And I know you don't wanna hear it but this relationship is in all likelihood, dead. It seems like she really has moved on and wants only friendship.

 

Anyone posting on the get to back together section should never accept the friends card imo, you made contact, didnt pressurise her, probably best to leave it for the time being in NC as any contact justnow while ur wanting diffrent things will possibly really hurt u.

 

On the other side of it, being friends may just be the right way to re-attract those feelings she may/may not be hiding. No easy route but i hope it works out in your favour. I couldnt be friends with my ex, we're 3.5months BU now and in NC. while my best friend split up from his relationship 4.5months ago and stayed friends with his ex, they got back together this week and are very happy which has made me question my gut instinct however if she wants me she will come back, if she doesnt she done me a favour leaving when she did