I married a Gamer

[mindi]

I am usually someone who reads the posts of others, and I really seem to be able to feel things from their point of view and want to offer help. Here I am thinking maybe I can get feedback on some of my own issues. I feel a bit shy about it.

 

background

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2 and a half years, and are first time parents of a 2 year old (turns 2 this week!). He is working fulltime at a job he hates, and I am a fulltime student taking something I truly love, but I have to work my ass off to keep up (because I am also a mother). We have similar financial issues as many other people do and had a really hard time over the summer. My parents borrowed a large amount of money on our cc, for which they cannot make any payments, so now my husband pays it, even though we cannot afford it. Just writing this out, I see before me a lot to handle for both of us. Stress levels are crazy at times, and really, maybe we are not handeling it as terribly as I think.

 

issue

My husband plays video games for hours, he will spend 8 hours building something in minecraft, while I am at school but nothing around the house will have been done. He shuts himself down when I get home, expecting me to do everything with the baby while he continues to do what he pleases. His back is turned to us as he plays his games, while my son and I do everything together, meanwhile I have massive amounts of homework piling up. He gets annoyed every single time I ask him to do something for our child, to be involved in our activities or to help me in any way. He gets angry and defensive when I try to talk to him about anything, he seems to think I am attacking him when I am just showing interest in what he is doing (on his computer). He is not very affectionate anymore and I really feel like this screen based media is really getting between us. So I figured, he wont be affectionate to me, so I will be affectionate to him. I can't even turn him away from his computer long enough for a hug. Yes this sounds like it is all his fault, I am focusing on the bad stuff here, not mentioning the times when he isn't on his computer.

 

I've come to learn about what is called "Walk away Wife Syndrome", and I feel that this situation fits the symptoms I want him to change and I don't feel like I'm to blame for anything. From his point of view, I am cold, disrespectful, moody, horny, crazy, demanding, bossy, etc. The list goes on. Maybe I am all of those things, or none of them. The point is that I can't have a relationship, a marriage and a family with someone who is physically present, but not at all there. I started to say things to him like "I don't love you anymore", "I want a divorce", "I hate you", and I truly mean all of it when I say it. I am starting to feel like I crave affection and attention from other guys. I am getting crazy looks from much younger guys at my school who fantasie about older women.

 

Somehow I want it all to work out. Not out of comfort, desperation, or because he is the father of my son, but because in reality, I love him and I want him. We have a connection, but all the wires seem to be unplugged, or mixed up. I don't know. How many times do I need to say "Get your ass off that computer and be a part of our lives" before he will understand?

[Snny]

You said the stress levels are "crazy" between jobs, raising a baby, and fiances. Do you think that is a contributor for him to go into Escapism Mode and play video games frequently?

 

I haven't played the game, but Minecraft is insanely ADDICTIVE. It isn't something you play for an hour and two then do other stuff. People play that kind of game for hours. He most likely is taking all his stress out on video games and then when you interfere with his game playing... he redirects that negative energy on you. I would not take him getting angry and defensive personal since there is a lot going on in your family. And when you are trying to figure out what he enjoys.... he is letting you know that he wants his own personal time AWAY from stress. I am not saying this excuses his behavior, but am showing you what caused him to become this. I had a father who dealt with his anger and frustration through playing hours of XBox when my mom got into an accident on her way to work at a train station and medical/surgery bills had stacked because no one wanted to claim responsibility and my parents couldn't afford to go to court over it (it also made it worse when his daughter couldn't find a career after college and needed financial assistance from his bank account to manage the student loan bills though she worked two jobs). So yea... I can definitely relate to your situation because it has happened in my family before.

 

If you both can, I highly recommend going to see couple's counseling. Though he is under a lot of stress, he should not be ignoring his child's needs or throw all that responsibility on you. A third party should sit with you both to help balance out the responsibilities and stress that are occurring to IMPROVE your marriage. You cannot change him... but getting a professional third party's perspective might help him see what he needs to do and help you both come up with ways to ease your stress.

[OptomisticGirl]

Sounds like you guys have severed a MAJOR communication line at some point during all this stress. Has your husband always been this intense of a gamer, even before all the stress started or even before you got together? If he wasn't then I wouldn't be surprised if his focus on the games is due to stress from work and having to pay the CC payment for your parents and let's not forget the stress of being a good father and a good husband. He def. should be communicating with you if that is the case but you also have to learn when to start that communication. If he's that engrossed in it that he doesn't want a hug or spend time with his son, catch him when he's not on it or before he gets on it. If it's his stress reliever you interrupting it is not going to help. And just as he needs to be communicating with you, you need to communicate with him. Don't say things such as 'I don't love you' or 'I want a divorce' unless your ready to follow through with those statements - because once said, neither of those statements can be taken back and if he thinks that's what you want then why would he put any effort into the marriage?

[mindi]

Thanks guys, for your input. I guess I didn't connect the dots between the stress and the games. He has always been interested in playing video games, so it is no surprise.

 

I do want things to work out, I think I am just so hurt and so used to being ignored all day.

[OptomisticGirl]

There's a big difference though in being INTERESTED in a game and being an intense gamer. My ex could sit and play a video game for 10 hours straight, no breaks - that's an intense gamer. My husband plays maybe an hour or two here and there but that's the max he can play at one time - that's only an interested gamer. so if his level of attention to this game is more than what it was previous, I think he's using it as a stress relieve.

 

Communicate that with him in a non confrontatoin way. Don't use words like 'you don't do' or 'why haven't you'. Use phrases like 'I feel' and 'to me this is how it looks'. And do it when he's not doing the game.

[mindi]

It depends on which game he is playing. I would not say he is an intense gamer, but he is a frequent one. He will sit for hours playing games, leave it for 30 minutes to do something, come back and continue on. It isn't just games that distracts him, it could be forums, or youtube, or really anything. When he gets home, the first thing he does is sit down in front of his computer, and he will be there until he goes to bed. It is bad enough that my son, a couple of times, took his hand, brought him over to his computer and got him to sit in his seat, as if that is where his father belongs.

 

Another thing I didn't mention, if he thinks at all I could possibly even be confrontational when trying to speak to him, he wont listen. He will yell over me or talk over me, repeating the same words over and over so I can't say anything. When he is upset, back and forth conversation does not happen. It is one sided. I told him, he might as well be talking by himself because communication doesn't happen without listening as well. What is the point of making someone hear everything you have to say without having a chance to say anything?

 

There have been a few times recently when he wouldn't keep his voice down while the baby was sleeping, the more I asked him to be quiet the louder he yelled. We just live in a small apartment. I know he is so stressed that he just can't stand it at times, but it makes it harder on me when he is acting this way. I just don't know what to do anymore. I read somewhere that in order to make changes in a relationship, the person needs to start changing themself to promote changes in their partner. So I told him that I forgave him for yelling at me and not letting me speak. I made sure he knew his behavior was not acceptable to me, but I was going to forgive him because I know it is a mistake. I could hear in his voice how relieved he was. I just worry he will continue being this way.

[OptomisticGirl]

How old is your husband?

 

I react the same way if I feel someone is being confrontational to me. He has to communicate to you and understand his way of communication isn't working. Would he be willing to do marriage counseling?

[aerobfa]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I used to be an intense gamer as well, putting my ex through the same motions. So I will give you the side from an ex-gamer's perspective. First of all, he is addicted to playing. This is no different to drugs or alcohol. Although at the time I played, I would never admit it. Doesn't matter what substance abuse it was, bottom line I was addicted to the game, World of Warcraft. I used to play for hours and hours. I worked a job that I hated and when I came home, I would play for 4-5 more hours. The game became almost like a second job to me. It was very competitive and it made me very moody and I became belligerent with my ex. I used to pick fights with her purposely so we wouldn't talk on the weekends so I could play. I began to ignore her all the time, as she did things by herself and I was upstairs playing four hours. I hated my job and looking back, it was my stress relief, an escape from my daily grind.

 

I remember my ex would write me long emails about my gaming and my changed attitude. How we stopped doing things as a couple and how the affection was lost. She would beg me just to hang out which was ridiculous. I would just skim through the emails, but never took them into consideration. It got really bad between the game and her. It came to the point, where my ex broke up with me over a different issue that came up for a month. During the reconciliation process, I realized the game was not good in many ways, so I quit playing the game cold turkey. My last day I logged on and off was Halloween (October) of 2009 and ever since then, I have been game free! Looking back, I was really a bad boyfriend as I let that game consume my life and our relationship. I would never do that again to someone again and even though we did get back to together, we broke up six months ago due to my lack of formal engagement to her after four years. Now that I am single and have complete freedom to do as I please, I look at gaming and people who play intensely and shake my head. I would never go down that path again and although I do miss the game a bit and some of its social aspects, I have chosen other hobbies that are healthier.

 

Right now there is not much you can do as he is focused on the game. These people and types of games are intense and time consuming. You can't just play for an hour and stop, it's not like that. You can try emailing him a short but concise email about his addiction to Minecraft and see how he reacts to it. Other than that talking, pleading and suggesting things may not work either. Unfortunately it may have to take something really drastic to happen to your relationship to get him to stop playing. I don't want to suggest anything drastic, but that's what it may need to happen to get him to realize. It took a break-up and separation for me to realize. The biggest difference between our situation was that you are married with a child and we were single with no kids. I don't envy the situation you are in and I hope it turns out right for you. If you have to show, him my post and maybe it will click! It's not worth losing a wife and child or relationship over a game. Been there and done that!

[mindi]

Thanks aerobfa for sharing your experience. I understand how mmos can become really addictive and I am glad you have gotten away from that.

 

I used to actually play games together with him, but of course that stopped after the baby was born because I obviously had no time for games. I thought he would play a lot less, but he didn't really. He would be up at night playing, then wouldn't get up with the baby while I needed sleep desperately. I was pissed at him then , but I thought it had a lot to do with having a new born and the crazy mom syndrome (aka lack of sleep & lots of stress). This is when our problems seemed to all start, 2 years ago. Before that, we never fought or experienced much stress in our relationship. Now there is responsibility and I need him to help with it, not put all his energy into a game.

 

To be fair, he did seem to improve a bit today, we sat together and watched some netflix, which has been a rare occurrence. Our son has gone to spend the night at his grandmother's, so it gives us a chance to unwind a little. We had a fight last night (him yelling) and he has felt remorse for how he treated me. I am trying to be really understanding, but it is tough when he acts the way he does.

 

He thinks that I constantly think bad thoughts about him, that I am always angry at him and tell all my school friends about our issues (I've only ever said good things about him). This is the first time I've even told anyone how things have been for us. How can I show him that I am not always hating him? It is my own thought he thinks these things, considering what I have said to him in the past.

[OptomisticGirl]

All you can do is make sure you actions equal your words. If you've said hurtful things to him in the past, as I said, those things aren't easily forgot. We all say things in the heat of anger. Could you come to a compromise in some way?

[mindi]

I hope so. I really do feel bad for hurting him in that way. I said it because I truly felt that way, for a while. It was not just a spur of the moment sensation. I was letting weeks, probably months go by without feeling any connection to him.. and being faced with other guys who show interest in me when my own husband doesn't. It makes me feel at times that all of this was a mistake, being married without any real involvement with each other. If I could just have him, not just the ghost of him, I wouldn't feel this way. I am cut off and it really hurts. I want him to stop escaping.

 

It might seem reasonable to some to just tell him all of this.. and I have, as much as I could get out between being interrupted and talked over. Going to counseling might give me more of a chance to be heard, and to listen to his side if he is ever willing to tell me, but we are not really people who would want to seek that sort of outside help. I think it would be too weird and I doubt he would go for it.

[Lonewing]

I've met gamer families...and they wonder why they aren't getting along together...

[Stay_home]

My parents borrowed a large amount of money on our cc, for which they cannot make any payments, so now my husband pays it, even though we cannot afford it.

 

.......

 

What happened here?

[mindi]

My parents were planning on starting a business so we let them max out our $10 000 credit card to get everything in order, renovations, a license, etc. The business didn't work out and my parents were already in a horrible mess, so they sold their home for the first offer, which didn't leave them with any money at all. We got screwed, have a horrible creditcard bill, and are unable to meet our own financial needs. The only reason why we aren't starving is because of my student loan.

[mindi]

How old is your husband?

 

We are both a year away from 30.

[Stay_home]

My parents were planning on starting a business so we let them max out our $10 000 credit card to get everything in order, renovations, a license, etc. The business didn't work out and my parents were already in a horrible mess, so they sold their home for the first offer, which didn't leave them with any money at all. We got screwed, have a horrible creditcard bill, and are unable to meet our own financial needs. The only reason why we aren't starving is because of my student loan.

 

You might have married a gamer and that's one issue, but this $10,000 loan from your parents is another monster in itself..

[Snny]

He thinks that I constantly think bad thoughts about him, that I am always angry at him and tell all my school friends about our issues (I've only ever said good things about him). This is the first time I've even told anyone how things have been for us.

In his defense, YOU DID tell him you wanted a divorce. And by saying that you threw more stress into his mindset and it's causing him to retreat even more. He's stuck with the crappy job, his in-laws used up his family's money which caused your immediate family to go into MAJOR DEBT, and then on top of it... he has to live with trying to raise a baby and deal with a completely unhappy wife who is spieling out "I WANT A DIVORCE!!"

 

Can you seriously blame him for the way he's been acting? The more you guys fight, the more you are pushing each other away. He is so frustrated with how things are that the only thing to drag him away from this mess and "nagging" (which he might view from your end) is through video games. I seriously, seriously think you both should find a neutral third party counselor who can HELP you both manage your emotions together.

 

 

I was letting weeks, probably months go by without feeling any connection to him.. and being faced with other guys who show interest in me when my own husband doesn't. It makes me feel at times that all of this was a mistake, being married without any real involvement with each other.

If I'm reading this correctly... now you're looking for other men to give you attention? And if I'm wrong, then what are you doing hanging around these type of men? No offense... but who is being selfish here? This man has tried to help your parents out... now he's swimming in debt with you. And because he's ignoring your martial needs you're seeking attention from other men? If he finds out, this is how he will view the situation...

 

I really don't mean to be harsh here or point the finger at you... but like I said... you guys would really benefit seeking a professional counselor whom you both can really trust to release this stress and figure out this situation together. Being in debt is a MAJOR cause of divorces and it is pushing you guys to that edge. Work on rebuilding the relationship together with the guidance of a professional therapist. Because honestly... it's not going anywhere no matter how hard you try to work it out and with all the anxiety that is weighing you both down. You both cannot listen to each other easily if you both are stressed the F out.

[mindi]

Snny, wow you really put things into perspective for me, seeing things from his view, he is really going through a hard time with everything that has been happening. no wonder he is disconnecting from everything around him, just to get some time to himself.

 

I understand how you can read the part about other guys the wrong way. I could have worded it differently for sure. I don't want you guys to get the wrong impression! No I am not looking for attention from them, they are classmates/schoolmates in college. I go to an art college, so its really easy to connect and be on the same wave length as everyone there (male and female). What I am saying is that I am getting attention from them, although I have never given any reason for it, nor have I encouraged it beyond a normal classmate relationship. Keep in mind they are much younger than me and emotionally immature for a relationship. They have some weird fantasy of an older woman, I see it in their faces, not always by how they act. It just seems to rub it in more than I have a severed connection from my own husband. It makes me want to have (inside, not outwardly) the attention. I am a very honest person and I would never do anything to harm my relationship any more than it is already. Cheating is the fasted way to destroy a relationship! I have told my husband about this strange craving for attention already. I told him I don't want to feel that way and that I want the attention to come from him.

 

I do need finger pointing, because it feels like I am doing nothing wrong in the issues we are having, which is completely untrue. You have opened my eyes up Snny, and I am very grateful for it. I will see what he says about talking to a third party professional, if we cannot work things out ourselves.

 

To be honest, things seem to be improving since I have changed the way I am acting towards him!! I am being sweeter, less demanding, and forgiving. He is spending more time away from his games and computer the last couple of days (since our recent fight).