The Anger, when does it end?

[LightInTheSky]

It's a pretty simple question, when does the anger go away? If you would like to know my background info I've posted about it before. But I think this is a more general question. I'm far enough through my healing that I don't want him back, I don't get sad very much anymore, but now I'm faced with an anger. It's an all consuming anger that I didn't have before. It hit my a few days ago. I thought, who in the world is aloud to have this kind of control of MY life? There are places in the city that I live in that I love, but there's an unspoken rule that he got them in the breakup, because they're closer to where he lives and there are other similar places I can go, but still, how can someone have so much control over me. Going to these places makes me feel like some crazy stalker ex girlfriend and I'm constantly in fear of running into him. I don't go to these places to see him, I go because one of them is the mountain where we both work and because I work there I have a free seasons pass and I would like to get some use out of it. The other day driving down the mountain I felt so incredibly angry that it made me hyperventilate.

 

I just don't understand that because of a decision that he made, that has not seemed to effect his life in anyway, that mine has to change so much. He gets to go out and drink with friends because he's of age, and I'm not yet, he get's to ski at the mountain we've both been going to since we were kids because he unofficially got it, he gets to keep doing all these fun things with his best friends and my best friends all went away to university this year while I stayed in the city because I thought I was going to have a boyfriend to stay here with. Now don't get me wrong, I've been doing a lot of amazing things with the friends I still have in the city and I've been changing my life for the better but still, I have to put an effort in to things to make my life good while he gets to keep the "good" life he's always had with no effort on his part at all.

 

I just don't know how to make this anger go away. I want to scream at him, looking back I was actually miserable for the last few months we were together and I just didn't relies it at the time. I wan't to scream at him that he was a BAD boyfriend who didn't notice his girlfriend was miserable. But I'm really hoping this anger will pass because I know deep down I don't want to scream at him, I don't want him to think that I hate him because a lot of the time I don't, I have days where I'm totally happy, even earlier today I was singing along to christmas songs on the radio, but then I get these waves of anger out of no where and I don't know how to get past this part.

 

So thats my rant, I don't do it often but when I do its a big one. Thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

[TearsofFate]

It's normal to feel angry after a break up. It can happen straight away or take months to settle in. It's because you start seeing the ex for who they really were so feelings of anger are normal. Don't let it blind you though. Sometimes we can get so upset we end up saying or doing things we later regret. Like phoning them up and yelling at them. It's better to just take a deep breath and do something peaceful. I went out by the water to feed ducks to help with my emotions.

 

It's been 5 years and I'm still out there everyday feeding the ducks and the feelings of emptiness and loss are now replaced with happiness, peacefulness, and excitement. I love going out there now I think you should probably try and find a place like this, where it is just your own place to go to. Maybe a hiking trail? A trail by some water? Somewhere nice you can go that your ex doesn't know about. A meditation place, where you can unwind, and bring a hot drink with you too if you like.

 

I know you love those places your ex goes too. I had dozens of places just like that, where it really upset me to visit them, because they used to be such beautiful places. It does go away in time. I can revisit all of them now and feel fine. Once you start dating new people in those same places, they become less your ex's zone and more yours again.

 

For now though, I suggest you find yourself a new place to go when you feel sad, or angry. You need an escape from all that.

[Daligal83]

I agree, it's completely normal to feel a lot of anger after the sadness goes away. And don't be surprised if it cycles back to sadness and then back to anger again. I went through several cycles of it all, including times where I just missed him so much. Luckily I resisted acting on any of it.

 

I know it's frustrating that it's affecting your life so much but I bet you anything it's affecting his life too, you just don't know about it. Just like he can't possibly know all the ways it's changed your life. But you're going to end up stronger for this. You know that you are strong enough to make your life happy again without him and that you don't need him. And the great thing is that you get to make the choice to NOT let him have control over your life. If you want to go to that mountain, get some of your friends together and go. He doesn't own that mountain. You do what you want. It's not like it's his favorite whole in the wall ball where everyone knows him.

[KYRiverGrl]

I avoid places now where ex and I used to go, because I don't want to run into him. I have found alternative places to shop, etc. Once I am over the BU I'll return to those places. I have felt alot of anger lately, and the sadness still comes, too. It takes time to get over the pain.

[sadchick83]

The anger will go away when you meet someone better. I am at the point now where I could careless about my ex. Ive met other people, who are smarter, more successful, and kinder. If I had to date my nasty ex to get to the next, better guy, so be it. NC and someone better were my cure.

[katmarie]

Do you notice the contradiction here? At one point, you acknowledge that he got to keep the good life...

 

I have to put an effort in to things to make my life good while he gets to keep the "good" life he's always had with no effort on his part at all.

 

At another point, you admit that you were miserable... so you didn't really have the good life at all...

 

looking back I was actually miserable for the last few months we were together and I just didn't relies it at the time. I wan't to scream at him that he was a BAD boyfriend who didn't notice his girlfriend was miserable.

 

I am pointing this out, not to be depressing, but because I think the problem is that you haven't let go and you aren't figuring out how to make yourself happy. If all your friends have moved off to university, meet new friends in the area through work, classes, sports teams, volunteer events, etc. and rebuild your support network. Pay a phone call or visit to your friends that have gone. Evaluate your own dreams and goals -- do you have a financial goal like saving a certain amount of money for a trip or for furthering your education? An academic goal? A promotion at work that you are striving to get? You need to find something that really excites you that you can pursue. Consider buying a tanning package or a light box (the sun makes people happy! even fake sun makes people happy!) Consider a workout and nutrition routine that will really get you looking and feeling your best and healthiest! Look around and realize what a great life you have, and look at all the wonderful things instead of being blinded by what you don't have; right now, your life looks like all the "don't haves" because that's how you're framing it. If there are places that he "inherited" in the breakup, so what? Go there anyway! If you are at a point where you don't want to get back together with him and don't want to be friends with him, then you shouldn't really care what he thinks or wants!

 

I don't think you are upset because he gets it easy and gets to retain the same life. I think you're mad because he's happy and you're not. But consider this... maybe you could make yourself a lot happier, and maybe he's not really as happy as he looks (after all, people don't share pictures of themselves crying or hurting on facebook -- they only share pictures of the good stuff!)

[LightInTheSky]

It's because you start seeing the ex for who they really were so feelings of anger are normal.

 

Your right I’m finally realizing things that I didn’t before and it’s over whelming.

 

I think you should probably try and find a place like this, where it is just your own place to go to. Maybe a hiking trail? A trail by some water? Somewhere nice you can go that your ex doesn't know about.

 

I had to laugh out loud when I read this because I actually did find a nice hiking trail that I’ve been doing with a friend of mine. But then yesterday I was on it and guess what so was he, that was one of the things that prompted this thread, I felt so angry that all of a sudden he had invaded another place.

 

I know you love those places your ex goes too. I had dozens of places just like that, where it really upset me to visit them, because they used to be such beautiful places. It does go away in time. I can revisit all of them now and feel fine.

 

The thing is I don’t love those places because I went there with my ex, I love them because I have loved them since I was a child. On the days when I know my ex is in school or out of town I can go to these places and feel so relaxed with no sad memories, it’s like he doesn’t exist. But then when I know there is a possibility of running into him I get so freaked out and scared that I’ll see him, I just wish he could be out of my life for good.

 

If you want to go to that mountain, get some of your friends together and go. He doesn't own that mountain. You do what you want. It's not like it's his favorite whole in the wall ball where everyone knows him.

 

The things is… it is his favourite whole in the wall where everyone knows him Because he’s pretty pro at what he does and him and his friends grew up at the base of the mountain so it was always like there backyard and now it feels like hostile territory. But your right he doesn’t own it and I should just power through and do what I want.

 

Do you notice the contradiction here? At one point, you acknowledge that he got to keep the good life...

 

At another point, you admit that you were miserable... so you didn't really have the good life at all...

 

Your right but I don't think I explained it very well, so I'll try. I relies that I didn't like that life, so for me your right, definitely not the good life. What makes me angry is that it seems like he liked his life then, and he likes it now, and he has to make no adjustments for it. If that makes more sense? I'm not sure.

 

 

If all your friends have moved off to university, meet new friends in the area through work, classes, sports teams, volunteer events, etc. and rebuild your support network. Pay a phone call or visit to your friends that have gone.

 

I just started at a new university so I have been making lots of friends, but still there not same as the close friends I’ve had for years. But definitely something I’m doing. Also since the break up 3 months ago I’ve been out to visit my friends at their university twice and there always great trips.

 

Evaluate your own dreams and goals -- do you have a financial goal like saving a certain amount of money for a trip or for furthering your education? An academic goal? A promotion at work that you are striving to get?[/Quote]

 

I have been fulfilling a lot of my academic goals in the last 3 months (so basically from beginning to the end of this semester) My GPA has gone way up and I’m applying to transfer to a better university for next fall so yes there are definitely things I’ve been achieving that I’m very proud of and make me happy.

 

You need to find something that really excites you that you can pursue. Consider buying a tanning package or a light box (the sun makes people happy! even fake sun makes people happy!) Consider a workout and nutrition routine that will really get you looking and feeling your best and healthiest![/Quote]

 

I totally agree that exercise is one of the best things to do after a break up, its really great for harnessing all the extra adrenaline and energy. One of the first things I did after the break up (And I’m talking like 12 hours after it happened lol) was to sign up for scuba-diving lessons, it conquered my fear of water and gave me something fun to focus on.

 

Look around and realize what a great life you have, and look at all the wonderful things instead of being blinded by what you don't have; right now, your life looks like all the "don't haves" because that's how you're framing it. If there are places that he "inherited" in the breakup, so what? Go there anyway! If you are at a point where you don't want to get back together with him and don't want to be friends with him, then you shouldn't really care what he thinks or wants![/Quote]

 

Again your so right, when I made this thread I was having a really bad day, and I shouldn’t care what he thinks and he shouldn’t stop me from going places. Luckily on most days I can see what I have, but then are days when everything is just to much.

 

Thanks everyone for you advice and insights, I was having such a bad day but I know in time it will get better.