WHy cant I get over Her?????????

[trk]

My story is very difficult to explain, but I know I need help in dealing with it. MY wife and I separated Aug 04, 2002, I met another girl on 17 Aug, 2002, I fell in love with this girl, I am in the Military, I lived with this girl for six months before I had to leave for a Military school in S.C. We were supposed to go our separate ways, I was going to try and work things out with my wife and kids. But when I left I could not stop talking to Courtney, the other girl, we talked and we agreed to have a relationship, she came out to see me in January, I asked her to marry me, She agreed, I was very happy, proud, excited, I loved this girl. Well she left and I went to see her the next month, we loved being with each other. Well I went back to school and gratuated in March, went to Louisana, for my next job, Courtney came down to see me, we had discussed the move, and she agreed to move with me. She quit her job and every thing. She came down and it would have been her first time away from her family, and friends in her life. She told me she couldnt do it, so we discussed it and she changed her mind about moving and said she would, so were going around looking for a place to live, nothing was going right, so we decided to go back to her house and look on the internet for a place to live. On our way home she changed her mind again, we had a big argument, that lasted about three hours, we finally worked things out. We get to her house, and we are fine for three days and on sunday morning the day before I was supposed to go back to Louisana, she tells me she cant go she would not be happy and that she cant leave her family. I tell her I cant keep doing this with her, my divorce would be final in nine days. I was leaving she had better stop me before I left the house, if she did not it was over for good. She did nothing, I thought it was over, I called my wife and told her I wanted to be togehter for the Kids, she agreed, Courtney calls and I tell her it is to late, but I do love her and cant stay away from her, so she comes and sees me in Louisana again, one last time to say goodbye. that was March 29, 2003. The last time I saw her, we said our final goodbyes on the phone April 22, 2003, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I truly love this girl, but I cant hurt my Kids again, they are so excited about being with both thier parents again. What should I do, all I think about is this girl, and our lives together, and how much I miss her and if she is with another guy now or what, the thought of that makes me sick. Please help me I am very depressed over this.

[mermayd]

Your desire to be with your (ex)wife for your kids is totally understandable and a wnderful effort. However, children in a lovless home are worse off in their future relationships than they would be ina single parent home. If you truly are concerned about your children's wellbeing, this should be considered deeply. I thinkit is important for children to be with both parents, but not if there is going to be constant arguments or distance between you. it also sound as though you have difficulty being alone. You ran into the arms of another when your marraige ends and then when that relationship ends, you are back with your wife. This is a completely separate battle that you should confront and conquer. I would look into an open marraige or maybe you and your wife could live together for the sake of your children. This way, you both are free to experience happiness and love in other relationships, and still be there for the kids. A long conversation with your wife would be beneficial, stating your concerns and your hopes for the future and booth of your happiness'. You should not under any circumstances burden and doom yourself from happiness for rest of your life. Your happiness will result in other's happiness. I would also speak with the other woman and ask her if she would be willing to continue a relationship under the cicumstances you discuss with your wife. I hope all goes well for you and wish you the best.

[Alla_Aleks]

Dear trk,

from my point of view you won't have anything with the girl you think about. You'll end up breaking up.

I can understand you: she's very interesting for you 'cause she's something new in your life. In the background of you have annoyed with the married life routine.

But I'm excited about your decision to stay with your kids. It's worth of respect.

Best regards and good luck to you.

[sybdtiger]

What should I do, all I think about is this girl, and our lives together, and how much I miss her and if she is with another guy now or what, the thought of that makes me sick.

 

I've been in your emotional position more than once, although without the children to consider. My own marriage didn't survive the other emotional and sexual interests I developed while I was with my wife, but not for lack of interest in creating an open marriage.

 

I'd say there are actually a number of separate issues for you to resolve, but because your feelings of loss are so overwhelming to you at the moment, it seems like it's all one big messy insoluble dilemma. Maybe if you can sort out the separate issues -- on paper, even -- you can begin to address each one appropriately.

 

First and foremost, there's that sense of loss your experiencing. You found yourself totally enraptured with Courtney, and you imagined an entire future for yourself with her -- and now that future has dissipated, like a soap bubble bursting, and you're left with the horrible ache of a dream destroyed. That's one issue.

 

The second issue is your need to belong, which could also be connected to a fear of being alone. As Mermayd43 observed, you ran straight from your marriage troubles into the affair with Courtney -- and then, when the affair hit the rocks, you ran straight back to your wife. Believe me, it's not a coincidence that it's happened that way.

 

The third issue is the way you associate your feelings with the need to "do" something. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that -- in fact, it's just as human as sneezing over pepper or crying over fresh-cut onions. Our emotions are always demanding that we "do" something about them.

 

I've been in love a few times, so I know what it feels like to have a frightened woman cut me off when reality and responsibility get to be too much for her. I also know what it's like to feel a desperate need to belong with someone I care for and who cares for me. And of course, I know what it feels like to have this overwhelming ceaseless urgency wracking my mind with compulsive thoughts about an absent love.

 

IMO, the frustration and the anguish and the depression are valid feelings, and they're real for you, and they're making you want something, and you feel like crap that you can't have things be the way they "were" with Courtney, or even the way you thought they could be in the future. So, because the world isn't lining up with the way your feelings are telling you things should be, I'd say that's where your frustration and helplessness and depression are coming from.

 

Here's the hard part: When it comes to the way other people feel and react in the world, what you want doesn't really matter. By this, I mean that there's a very good reason they came up with the fantasies of Aladdin's magic lamp and Merlin's magic wand (and even more recently, Bruce Almighty). For thousands of years, people have been fantasizing about ways to have the events and shape of the world magically line up with their wants, wishes, and desires. That's because, when it comes right down to it, the world doesn't do that... especially now, when we're talking about a world with 6.2 billion individual free wills mucking about.

 

So, what there is for you to "do" at this point may not be a matter of taking physical action or making any decisions that involve what other people do or don't do. Maybe, what there is for you to do is to learn to live with the difference between the way you wish the world would be and the way that it is. Learning to live with that can be especially problematic for anyone who's been trained to think in terms of taking decisive physical action to resolve problems, which I assume is part of the training you've received. But I don't think your answers to this situation are going to be found in the realm of "doing" anything out in the physical world. I think what you're going to find is that this is about moderating your fantasies so that they don't wreck your reality.

 

Just one middle-aged man's opinion...

 

Take care.

[Ellee1]

OMG- that is sooooo true! I was going thru a break up before this one, and I was always crying to the person "I just feel so.... this way and that way.... and I just don't know what to do!" And they were like "Why do you have to do anything?!" Because I always believe I should/can solve everything- just like you're saying. I also agree w/ a lot of your other points. SOOOOOOO true. All of it! It sucks trying to live with what's real - sometimes life can be wonderful, sometimes boring and ordinary! And during those times, that's when you have to rely upon yourself and your own strength to entertain yourself and create your own fun (which can be really hard sometimes!) Sometimes it's easy to blame everythign on "that's boring." In reality, sometimes you have to say "Who's boring?!" Hee hee- Sometimes it's not easy to put one foot in front of the other and try to make your day worth while. Especially when we go thru things like this. But we all gotta try to keep on truckin', I guess!