How much luck do you think is involved when dating?

[johnnyp]

When it comes to finding someone you want to have a relationship with, how much of it do you think is down to the work you put in and how much is just being in the right place at the right time? I've been chatting to a lot of people lately about how they met their partners, and it seems a lot of people just stumbled accross them when they were least expecting it and things just worked out with very little effort.

 

And then I know a bunch of gorgeous women that turn heads everywhere they go, get hit on ALL the time and have even tried online dating to find the right guy for them and they're really struggling to find any decent men that they actually want to have a relationship with.

 

The same is true of my male friends. Most of them are average to below-average looking guys that have never been the type to hit on a woman and have certainly never been the type to get hit on BY a woman and yet all of them are happily married and have rarely spent a day in their lives being single, as they always just happened to meet the right person at the right time.

 

Even in my own life, the successful relationships I've had have been when someone just wandered randomly into my life in the strangest circumstances, so what do you think…is it down to luck or just plain hard work (or both)?

[Flyingpiglet]

Most people I know, well, the ones with the best relationships, seem to have been more luck than judgement.

They always say that these things happen when you least expect it so I guess when you stop looking, thats when you find! Maybe... I dunno but I'm willing to close my eye's and see if my Mr perfect comes along! (if only it were that simple )

[thejigsup]

I've always had guys come up to me and flirt. I am now in my 50s and it still happens. I never let these men date me or take it to the relationship level. The best relationships I have ever had were deliberate. I set a goal of only talking to men who had the same interests, outlook on life, and standards as me. This is hard to find because the man has to be tall, he cannot smoke or drink at all, and he has to be passionate about what he does for a living and life in general. I generally use online dating to find men like this. If you know what you want and what works for you, why take a chance. If you're going to go shopping, get EXACTLY what you want. To answer you question, I plan it and leave nothing to chance.

[Firiel]

For me, there was an element of both. It is just random that my husband decided to e-mail me on a dating site when I wasn't even really looking to date. It's random that I was looking back at old messages and decided to reply when I had at first passed the e-mail up because I couldn't think of anything to say. That was luck.

 

However, it's not luck that I had spent time and effort nurturing qualities that he eventually fell in love with (fun-loving, hard-working, mind of my own, etc.) or that I was available after having broken up with a guy that was not good for me a few months back. That I met him was chance. That I was in the emotional and mental place to form a good, healthy relationship wasn't so much.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't see how it's luck to meet your partner on a dating site.

[motley802]

Yes there is a amount of luck and (the clichéd word) "serendipity". You both shall be ready for relationships, and meet at the right time a the right place too

 

I don't see how it's luck to meet your partner on a dating site.

 

Out of hundreds of profiles, you found his/her profile. You messaged them. Luckily that person was neither busy nor seeing someone else. So that person responded. And it all started

[scklbad]

rod stewart said it best..some guys have ALL the luck

i have 0 luck with girls and will remain a kissless virgin for life lol.

You are prob somewhere in the middle haha...don't worry too much

[Batya33]

Most definitely both. I could spin my own story as a "when you're not looking/least expect it " and "you never know" but I prefer to see it as a balance of luck and timing because I had finally become the right person to be with the right person so if I hadn't been the right person yet, I would have somehow sabotaged the opportunity that I had to get back together with my ex 6 years ago. Part of the reason I was the right person is because I was so proactive about dating and finding relationships and had become more proactive about learning from my mistakes.

 

I am not gorgeous -sure I considered myself a very good catch - but my experience of others' success with relationships has little to do with whether they are very attractive looking. Very attractive looking people might have an easier time getting attention/finding dates but finding and maintaining a healthy, loving relationship? Not so sure there's a real correlation.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I'd say it's 1/3 luck 1/3 skill, 1/3 your attributes.

[Glowguy]

There's certainly no guarantee but the more you put yourself out there the better the chances of having that encounter. Some people get lucky and some are unlucky but that's just the way life is. All you can do is try your best. Good luck to us all!

[motley802]

To add to my previous response and thinking deeper on this issue.

 

One my favorite quotes about luck happens to be -

 

"Luck = Hard work + Opportunity"

 

You make yourself ready (both emotionally and physically). You work hard towards approaching single people (going to parties, yada yada). And then when opportunity comes knocking (I think opportunity part is bit serendipitous) you latch onto it!

[johnnyp]

Yeah, it's pretty interesting. I totally agree that looks have nothing to do with having a successful relationship, but you'd think the odds would be stacked in their favour to at least find a guy as they're having far more access to eligible men and certainly dating a lot more than my married buddies ever did when they were single. And yet they still haven't met 'the one' or even had a relationship at all in the time I've known them and these girls are stunning and really lovely people too! Most of my married friend's were hopeless with girls when we were younger and had zero attention from women (which continues to this day), but then they'd go to a quiet dinner party or start a new job and the next thing they knew they'd met the right person and married them. All seems very 'meant to be' to me, as they certainly didn't go out of their way to make themselves appealing to women or even put themselves in places to find the right girl for them...she just found them

[Batya33]

You're making the same assumption that many men made who I met- usually the ones who saw my photo on a dating site "why haven't you been snapped up yet" as if an attractive woman (not saying I think I'm gorgeous in the least!!) just passively stands there and gets "snapped up". It takes two. Plus yes some luck!

[StrawberryYogurt]

I'll also add the more you're like the average person (i.e. the more banal you are) in terms of interests, personality, and values, the higher the chances of finding someone. The more different you are, the tougher it is.

[johnnyp]

As if an attractive woman just passively stands there and gets "snapped up". It takes two.

 

For sure. But let's face it, a good looking woman is almost certainly going to get far more options presented to her than an average looking guy will. Heck, I'm an decent looking guy and get randomly hit on and flirted with a few times a week and I bet I STILL probably don't get a tenth of the options you get on a daily basis

 

The more different you are, the tougher it is.

 

Ain't that the truth! The great thing about being unique and not like the rest of the herd though is that when you do meet someone, it's a LOT easier to keep them, as there's nothing boring and pedestrian about you…makes keeping your partner interested and excited so much easier, as it'll take them years and years to learn everything about you, instead of 'Day 1 - Nice to meet you' and 'Day 2 - Well, I've got you completely figured out already. How Boring!'

[RyanJ]

Eh, it can appear as though people just happen to be in the right place at the right time, but usually it's a combination of a few different things.

 

The average person cold approaches less than 100 members of the opposite sex in their lifetime, so of course if one of those interactions results in marriage it will seem like fate, luck, or whatever. If you live in a major city (1 million+) there are literally thousands of people you'll click with enough to consider marriage material.

 

Another factor to consider is below average looking people are more likely to settle, while people who are or view themselves as being top quality will often have unrealistic standards and refuse to date anyone out of fear they're settling.

 

There's also the social networking thing, in that friends you know personally are a lot like you, and friends they introduce you to are likely to be at least somewhat like you due to common interests, and so it can seem like luck when it really isn't. The opposite is true with dating sites: because you have no other people acting as filters, you are exposed to thousands of people who may or may not be like you and the only way to find out is to do the "hard work" of playing the numbers.

 

Despite the amount of cold approaching I've done, the girl I'm dating now (3 years next month) I met at my friends house when we went there after a night out drinking and gambling at the casino.

[Batya33]

It depends how you define "options" -it doesn't matter if you attract attention from many people if the attention is for the wrong reason or they are people you have little in common with.

[johnnyp]

^^Exactly! That kind of proves even more that it's mostly to do with luck more than anything else, as even if you meet hundreds of potential partners, it's all down to chance whether you meet the one that you just click with perfectly. In my experience at least!

 

And Ryan, you've got some great points there, but there's a real irony in the fact that you started off by saying it often only 'appears' that people just happened to be in the right place at the right time and then it turns out that despite all your effort cold-approaching women, you then randomly met your GF out of the blue at a friend's house. Sounds like luck to me man!

[Batya33]

^^Exactly! That kind of proves even more that it's mostly to do with luck more than anything else, as even if you meet hundreds of potential partners, it's all down to chance whether you meet the one that you just click with perfectly. In my experience at least!

 

And Ryan, you've got some great points there, but there's a real irony in the fact that you started off by saying it often only 'appears' that people just happened to be in the right place at the right time and then it turns out that despite all your effort cold-approaching women, you then randomly met your GF out of the blue at a friend's house. Sounds like luck to me man!

 

Not at all what I meant. I meant that volume of people giving you attention doesn't guarantee that "click". But I did not write that the "click" was based on luck. I think it's mostly based on many other factors including the mindset of the people, goals, etc. and sometimes involves a little luck too.