PainedLove Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 My tale starts about 3 years ago. A typical guy in a marriage that was sexually unfulfilling, but fairly great in every other way. I would spend my evenings reading forums and stories of stranger's fun and adventures. Living vicariously through others in ways that I would never get to. After all, I had eternally pledged myself to my wife's happiness, so I was quite stuck. And then she entered my life. Well, online at least. She was a young woman with whom things started out innocently enough. She initiated contact, messaging me after I posted something regarding my limited sexual experience and frustrations with my marriage. Starting out friendly, things rapidly progressed as I learned more about her (and she about me). Frankly, it blew my mind the way she was - everything I could dream of in a woman. Then I saw a picture of her - an absolute 10/10. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "that probably wasn't even her, probably just a scam - it's too good to be true". As it turns out, that wasn't the case - it was indeed her, as I'd later confirm. Oh, if only it wasn't... things would be so much easier. Nearly immediately, we were hot and heavy with cybersex. I poured all my years of sexually frustrated energy into her. I'd literally have her masturbating herself to orgasm for hours each day. We were completely open with each other about our inner most fantasies... something I never thought I could be with anyone. The feeling was unlike anything I'd experienced in my life. Now, I had never cheated, but had always had to hide my true sexual self from my wife. Like most guys, I masturbated - but if you'd ask my wife she'd say that I didn't (and good thing as it would upset her - hence my reason for hiding it). Like most guys, I consumed porn - of course I also hid this from my wife as it would enrage her. Is my porn viewing cheating? Well that's probably where the slippery slope may technically begin. Since I was already having to hide so much of myself (such as porn use) from my wife, engaging in cybersex with this other woman didn't seem like a big step. That would be why I didn't feel any guilt about it - it didn't even phase me at all. In fact, I was no longer sexually frustrated and thus a happier guy and a better husband to my wife (in all the ways she wanted). Win-win. Soon, though, cybersex turned into camsex. That's how I can confirm my friend was who she claimed to be. Imagine the hottest girl you've ever seen, willing to do anything for you. She embodied heaven for me. Quite honestly, by this point I wasn't even viewing porn anymore - I had lost all interest in it since it simply couldn't compare. Unfortunately for me, it's around this point that I learned something important about myself which I had previously never had the chance to know for certain. Namely - sexual involvement for me leads to deeper emotions. I knew it was true for many women and some men, but as it turns out, it was extremely true for me. Incidentally, it was the same for my new lady friend too. So, we declared our love for each other. Again, I know what you're thinking, "it was just that new-relationship, chemical high caused by raw lust.. not real love". In fact, hearing this about someone else would have me saying the same thing. Once again, I really wish this were true. Over the months the intensity of the online relationship caused great joy and pleasure, but also frustration. We both wanted more of course. But more is where I drew the line. I would NOT get physical, and I would NOT leave my wife. This caused my friend to get upset and break contact - more than once. Each time I would be left hurt but completely understanding (I simply couldn't give her everything she needed in a relationship), and each time she would eventually come back to me. Eventually things led to an apex. My head was spinning and all the problem solving powers I possessed weren't enough to find a solution that would leave everyone happy. I was wracked with guilt - for falling in love with another and for not being able to give this incredible young woman everything she should have. So this time *I* ended things. My friend was destroyed. By this point, I loved her more than anyone I had ever loved before. I 'left', but I didn't really. I secretly watched for her at all the online places she resided. I checked up on her to make sure she was ok. She begged me back, admitting that - well - she had started hurting herself. I could not stand-by. I opened contact with her and helped her. I was honest about my feelings and admitted how I truly felt. I told her I'd find a way for everything to be ok. So we were together again. For the next few months, it was like it was before, only more intense and with an ever increasing frustration. We'd have blowouts and she'd leave and come back. I could never fault her for leaving or for being upset - I could completely empathize with her situation.. being in love with a man that couldn't give her everything she deserved. Eventually it was too much for her. She was a young, attractive woman in her prime years and wanted the physical comfort of a man. Absolutely logical to me, but heartbreaking of course. She finally declared that she would start dating others. I accepted. Through intense jealousy, we eventually downgraded to just friends - once she reached exclusivity with guys she would be dating, she was no longer comfortable being intimately involved with me. My intense love for her and my need to put her well-being first meant I would even help her with advice on her relationships. A simultaneously agonizing yet fulfilling experience. I'd do anything to make her happy. Inevitably, guilt would get the best of her. She felt too much guilt for being involved with a married man, and too much guilt for hurting me by being involved with other men. So she said goodbye, permanently. As painful as it was, I understood. It has now been a year of no contact, and I have not gotten over her in the slightest. I am as madly in love with her as ever. I feel like a spell was cast at some point - to make me love her unconditionally and eternally. I think about her every single day, usually several times. I have absolutely no doubt that I will think of her every day until my last.. and when that day comes I will still love her exactly the same. Ironically, my marital sex life has improved significantly over the past year. While it is not absolutely everything I could hope for, it is now reasonably fulfilling. But still - I long for my lost love. Not for the sexual appeal that she carries, but for the woman that I gladly endured agony for, just to talk to. Just to have her as a part of my life. And so we finally get to my warning: Often the only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love with another. But if you're a relatively conscientious person already in a dedicated relationship - where becoming involved in a new relationship isn't a possibility - then you will find no end to your pain. You will never get over your love because you will never get to meet someone new to replace them. And this is the burden I secretly carry - the pain that I will always suffer. I'll never stop loving my southern girl. Link to comment
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