A Neverending Pain - A Warning to Others

[PainedLove]

My tale starts about 3 years ago. A typical guy in a marriage that was sexually unfulfilling, but fairly great in every other way. I would spend my evenings reading forums and stories of stranger's fun and adventures. Living vicariously through others in ways that I would never get to. After all, I had eternally pledged myself to my wife's happiness, so I was quite stuck.

 

And then she entered my life. Well, online at least.

 

She was a young woman with whom things started out innocently enough. She initiated contact, messaging me after I posted something regarding my limited sexual experience and frustrations with my marriage. Starting out friendly, things rapidly progressed as I learned more about her (and she about me). Frankly, it blew my mind the way she was - everything I could dream of in a woman. Then I saw a picture of her - an absolute 10/10. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "that probably wasn't even her, probably just a scam - it's too good to be true". As it turns out, that wasn't the case - it was indeed her, as I'd later confirm. Oh, if only it wasn't... things would be so much easier.

 

Nearly immediately, we were hot and heavy with cybersex. I poured all my years of sexually frustrated energy into her. I'd literally have her masturbating herself to orgasm for hours each day. We were completely open with each other about our inner most fantasies... something I never thought I could be with anyone. The feeling was unlike anything I'd experienced in my life.

 

Now, I had never cheated, but had always had to hide my true sexual self from my wife. Like most guys, I masturbated - but if you'd ask my wife she'd say that I didn't (and good thing as it would upset her - hence my reason for hiding it). Like most guys, I consumed porn - of course I also hid this from my wife as it would enrage her. Is my porn viewing cheating? Well that's probably where the slippery slope may technically begin.

 

Since I was already having to hide so much of myself (such as porn use) from my wife, engaging in cybersex with this other woman didn't seem like a big step. That would be why I didn't feel any guilt about it - it didn't even phase me at all. In fact, I was no longer sexually frustrated and thus a happier guy and a better husband to my wife (in all the ways she wanted). Win-win.

 

Soon, though, cybersex turned into camsex. That's how I can confirm my friend was who she claimed to be. Imagine the hottest girl you've ever seen, willing to do anything for you. She embodied heaven for me. Quite honestly, by this point I wasn't even viewing porn anymore - I had lost all interest in it since it simply couldn't compare.

 

Unfortunately for me, it's around this point that I learned something important about myself which I had previously never had the chance to know for certain. Namely - sexual involvement for me leads to deeper emotions. I knew it was true for many women and some men, but as it turns out, it was extremely true for me. Incidentally, it was the same for my new lady friend too.

 

So, we declared our love for each other. Again, I know what you're thinking, "it was just that new-relationship, chemical high caused by raw lust.. not real love". In fact, hearing this about someone else would have me saying the same thing. Once again, I really wish this were true.

 

Over the months the intensity of the online relationship caused great joy and pleasure, but also frustration. We both wanted more of course. But more is where I drew the line. I would NOT get physical, and I would NOT leave my wife. This caused my friend to get upset and break contact - more than once. Each time I would be left hurt but completely understanding (I simply couldn't give her everything she needed in a relationship), and each time she would eventually come back to me.

 

Eventually things led to an apex. My head was spinning and all the problem solving powers I possessed weren't enough to find a solution that would leave everyone happy. I was wracked with guilt - for falling in love with another and for not being able to give this incredible young woman everything she should have. So this time *I* ended things.

 

My friend was destroyed. By this point, I loved her more than anyone I had ever loved before. I 'left', but I didn't really. I secretly watched for her at all the online places she resided. I checked up on her to make sure she was ok. She begged me back, admitting that - well - she had started hurting herself. I could not stand-by. I opened contact with her and helped her. I was honest about my feelings and admitted how I truly felt. I told her I'd find a way for everything to be ok.

 

So we were together again. For the next few months, it was like it was before, only more intense and with an ever increasing frustration. We'd have blowouts and she'd leave and come back. I could never fault her for leaving or for being upset - I could completely empathize with her situation.. being in love with a man that couldn't give her everything she deserved.

 

Eventually it was too much for her. She was a young, attractive woman in her prime years and wanted the physical comfort of a man. Absolutely logical to me, but heartbreaking of course. She finally declared that she would start dating others. I accepted.

 

Through intense jealousy, we eventually downgraded to just friends - once she reached exclusivity with guys she would be dating, she was no longer comfortable being intimately involved with me. My intense love for her and my need to put her well-being first meant I would even help her with advice on her relationships. A simultaneously agonizing yet fulfilling experience. I'd do anything to make her happy.

 

Inevitably, guilt would get the best of her. She felt too much guilt for being involved with a married man, and too much guilt for hurting me by being involved with other men. So she said goodbye, permanently. As painful as it was, I understood.

 

It has now been a year of no contact, and I have not gotten over her in the slightest. I am as madly in love with her as ever. I feel like a spell was cast at some point - to make me love her unconditionally and eternally. I think about her every single day, usually several times. I have absolutely no doubt that I will think of her every day until my last.. and when that day comes I will still love her exactly the same.

 

Ironically, my marital sex life has improved significantly over the past year. While it is not absolutely everything I could hope for, it is now reasonably fulfilling. But still - I long for my lost love. Not for the sexual appeal that she carries, but for the woman that I gladly endured agony for, just to talk to. Just to have her as a part of my life.

 

And so we finally get to my warning: Often the only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love with another. But if you're a relatively conscientious person already in a dedicated relationship - where becoming involved in a new relationship isn't a possibility - then you will find no end to your pain. You will never get over your love because you will never get to meet someone new to replace them.

 

And this is the burden I secretly carry - the pain that I will always suffer.

 

I'll never stop loving my southern girl.

[Ksenia]

I can't say I feel any sympathy for you. My boyfriend is the same as you and claims our sex life isnt everything he wishes, so he finds * * * * * * to talk to online, until I find out about it and then he apologizes and claims he'll stop.

 

You need to be a better man, for your wife, who probably knows some of this is going on but is afraid of losing you. Because she may not be your perfect woman, but you may be her perfect man, and you know how much it hurts to know the person you love the most is not yours.

[Lonelygirl123]

Hi,

 

Well I'm enduring the same pain, but a little different that guy left me forever and has stopped all contacts with me without any explanation. I'm a total wreck now. He doesn't respond to my calls or SMS, don't know what should I understand from this. I'm sad n depressed.

[Notagoodninja]

Wow dude. I hadn't been on the boards a few days but I read your post pretty fascinating def drew my interest, haha.

I've had things like that happen in my life. Well, I've never found joy let's put it that way. I'm 30 now and still love never works out for me. My first marriage was miserable like yours- well it wasn't the sex in the first marriage it was he was immature and like raising a kid and more like my brother. I was never in love with him. It didn't work out we got divorced then the next year I met and fell in love with husband number 2, well we were together 4 years off and on including marriage and I was madly in love only this time around HE was not in love much with ME and ended up being very abusive and cruel to me and addicted to porn and almost zero sex NO affection and constant rejection much like your marriage now.

 

Let me break down your posts a bit. You are 27?? Because you keep calling your ex gf "a young woman" so it makes her sound either 18 (lol) or you are much older than 27.

As much as it sucks to know every dude is a porn addict like my ex who I had to leave, it was also heartening to hear you didn't need the porn after awhile with the ex gf because she was better...wow an actual WOMAN BETTER THAN PORN. That's a breathe of fresh air.

 

I honestly find porn boring after awhile I don't know how you guys do it I will look at it once in awhile like once a month (I get off every day I am just saying the act of porn) if I can't think of anything in my head to turn me on. But if I did it daily (look at porn) it becomes fake and boring to me. I end up analyzing and critiquing the girls makeup, their hair, what they are wearing. Stuff will turn me off like..the falseness of their moans or whatever ...thinking about how much work it took into making the porn vid in the first place...all the voice overs by ugly people and the girls going around "fluffing". I start wondering how much money they spent making it, how much each man and woman got paid, if their husbands/wives/brothers/aunts/uncles/cousins/girlfriends know what they're doing. Haha

I'd MUCH rather be with the real person

ANYONE can do porn and be in porn. I don't understand why a fantasy is better than a reality I Would much rather have reality!

 

About your wife, is she not attractive to you? I mean, are you into bbw and this chic is 90lbs or you're into 90lb girls and this chic is a bbw? Is she too tall? Too short? I mean what's the dealio. Or is she hot but just hates sex and you get rejected all the time and she's repulsed by the thought of giving you a blow job or something cause she was molested as a child.

 

So after analyzing your post, I've come to the conclusion you're a lawyer, haha. You have control issues. It's not the sex you want, it's the control...and you are some what of a self martyr also. You got tired of being un happy with your wife, so you sought some other chic to kinda abuse in a way...by making her want you and fall in love with you and ultimately the greatest sexual satisfaction of all for you which was rejecting her completely to fulfill some kind of sadistic inner demon

(Don't be offended)

 

OR are you religious, because no immoral person would of stayed with the spouse and turned this chic down. I can only think due to a religious belief that is why you turned her down so you don't go to hell or something along those lines

 

I mean...I don't know any man on this earth at 27 who would turn down "the love of his life" if it really was that great. You are either that sadistic fellow I've painted you out to be, or a moral/religious person whose "fallen" , OR you really weren't into this chic as much as you're saying. Yeah maybe she was hot. But maybe she was a cheater maybe you didn't trust her, maybe she had 5 kids by diff baby daddies, maybe she smoked and you don't, maybe she was on "My strange addictions" who knows BOTTOM LINE there was a reason you didn't go with this chic...

[Notagoodninja]

Oh also don't worry you will get over her one day. Take it from me, the break up pro apparently It takes 2 years to get over someone you love.

Now my first real love, I met him on line too like you did with this chic, and we would cyber and cam yadda yadda although we NEVER HAD SEX in real life. We did meet and were in love, but we never had sex..this was 10 years ago. And out of all the guys I've ever cared about or loved the past 10 years- I still care about that guy in a strange way.

Now my ex husband of last month- he's the one I loved the most and broke my heart the most. But I know in 2 years I'm gonna get over him. I know in 2 years he can walk by me with some chic and I can be OK with that. (Right now I would prob attack him and beat his face in and right now I wish him death lol because I am NOT over what he did and how much he destroyed me!! but I know in 2 years I will be over it by then)

 

But that guy from 10 years ago I did feel like he was a soul mate. And later on we were just friends and we both moved on and married other people etc etc and I would give him relationship advice. I don't know, it's almost like NOT having real sex made the bond stronger. Maybe like a deep, deep friendship or something. Sometimes I wished we would of just had sex and gotten it over with so we could move on. I don't even want to have sex with him don't get me wrong. I have 0 desire to. I just wonder if that's why he's a never ending memory for so many years. I think an emotional affair (it wasn't an "affair" for us but I am just using that as an example) is stronger than a PHYSICAL affair. I think that's why they say emotional affairs are so dangerous/damaging.

[LBP]

I've had a similar deal in my life. You sound like an articulate guy and perhaps that was the foundation of your emotional/physical attachment in this pseduo-relationship. I suppose that the difference between the two of us is that I am able to compartmentalize what is and what is not reality in these interactions. You've developed a fantasy world wherein the woman you lust after and the woman you are married to are at odds to one another in some sort of super-ego/id Thunderdome.

 

I'll level this out: Your ability to communicate is both advanced and infantile. What you haven't done is communicate with your wife; what you have done is express your sexuality with this on-line fantasy construct who just happens to be an actual woman. Do not confuse her with a relationship; that has not occurred. Look at it objectively, and you will see that I am right. In essense, you're arguing with a diary figure that embodies all of the sexual fantasies you've had since childhood. An adult would not indulge in some kind of abstract relationship while carrying on with a marriage on the side. It's quite perverse.

 

I think that you need you reavaluate what you want in romance. It may not be what is considered kosher (this is not necessarily a bad thing). My opinion is that you can find some manner of satisfaction for yourself but certainly not in a masturbatory Skype correspondence. Look to reality for solace; whatever you've done up to this point is not it.

[Notagoodninja]

And so we finally get to my warning: Often the only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love with another. But if you're a relatively conscientious person already in a dedicated relationship - where becoming involved in a new relationship isn't a possibility - then you will find no end to your pain. You will never get over your love because you will never get to meet someone new to replace them.

 

And this is the burden I secretly carry - the pain that I will always suffer.

 

I'll never stop loving my southern girl.

 

Now that I do agree with 100%%%

 

There is something about Karma. It is real. Again, take it from me. I did bad things when I was younger, I'm still paying the price today from Karma even though I've not done those things since then.

And affairs...you are right. Affairs DO NOT LAST NOR WORK!!!! I don't know why either, it's because they are doomed from the beginning. Life is so confusing. It rly is though.

I divorced my first husband so I could find happiness. But things only became horrible with the second marriage. So I don't know if the marriage was already doomed from karma or what. But if that was the case...then there would be no hope..you would HAVE to stick with one marriage for life or singleness. That or I've just got bad luck with who I fall in love with or something.

But regarding affairs themselves they don't work, and everyone I've EVER known from age 5 to age 30 that had affairs...they are not only not with the people they had the affairs with but they've since gone on to date like 20 different individuals!

 

I guess all of that is what makes me pretty confused as to why my second husband didn't find me enough and wanted other women. He must be crazy since he's cursed himself to be lonely the rest of his life. With his perspective on life nobody is gonna stay with him nor will he be faithful.

[Notagoodninja]

LBP I LOVE the way you write

[Notagoodninja]

I'll level this out: Your ability to communicate is both advanced and infantile. What you haven't done is communicate with your wife; what you have done is express your sexuality with this on-line fantasy construct who just happens to be an actual woman. Do not confuse her with a relationship; that has not occurred. Look at it objectively, and you will see that I am right. In essense, you're arguing with a diary figure that embodies all of the sexual fantasies you've had since childhood.

 

OK cats out of the bag...basically I used to do porn. I will be honest, the porn industry is a joke. Cause when you're in it you see it from the inside. It's all fake...

Basically it made me feel like I'd rather be a fantasy woman in some guys head than have a real relationship because in REAL life men just cheat on you and look at other naked women all day long (porn) but if you ARE the porn you can't lose you can "have your cake and eat it too"

If I kept men at arms length, I could not get hurt.

If I dressed all up and acted a certain way and acted Like I was "hot you know what" then guys would drool all over me and think I was a fantasy woman. However, ANY WOMAN could do that, including their own sisters/wives/girlfriends/mothers/GRANDMOTHERS if ur into that

 

People just want what they can't have and it's soooo stupid

For instance, when i was with my ex husband he checked out girls NON STOP/. NON STOP he had 0 respect and made me feel horrible about myself and would barely touch me and rarely make love and I would NEVER get a compliment

He would go out of his way to look at everyone BUT ME

 

BUT ...for example....the week of our divorce, I went to Target. I got checked out the whole time I was there non stop. Quite a few times boyfriends and girlfriends would pass me and the boyfriends would literally snap their necks back to look me up and down, behind the backs of their girlfriends. And I was rolling my eyes and it didn't make me happy, it made me mad because I felt sorry for their girlfriends because I know what a slap in the face that was to their girlfriends because I know how it felt when my own husband would never appreciate what he had, and the grass was greener on the other side for him

 

And that's how I feel about choosing porn over your spouse and choosing fantasy over reality

(I am NOT saying you can't use porn to ENHANCE your relationship...I've done that before TOGETHER...) It is just wrong to choose fantasy over reality

 

What's stopping your wife from becoming a porn star?

A lot of women that hate sex etc go on the rebound and all of the sudden become strippers and stuff

 

Maybe you could start making her feel more sexy about herself?

 

Another example of men believing in some fantasy land...

My ex husband came up to me a few weeks before I left him and randomly tells me how he would love a 19 year old sugar baby if we weren't together and he told me "all men want that" etc etc...I'm like "okkk" as I am sitting there on the floor after serving him dinner FOLDING HIS FREKING laundry.....

In my head I was thinking about how, when I did porn, I had sugar daddys. And how, I could have sugar daddys NOW. I've been proposed to by millionaires...how would he like that if I threw that in his face? and what the heck is his problem why the HECK is he such an idiot? He didn't see a sugar baby when it bit him in the face! I AM a sugar baby, dear husband! All he could see was some delusional other fantasy sugar baby...okkkkk here he was fantasizing about other women, when other men were fantasizing about ME!

Not only that, I have guys as young as 21 that hit on me that I turn down. WHO THE HECK CARES/ I mean, realllllly?

In all reality do I want to have a long term relationship with someone who is a CHILD in comparison with my life experience? I don't even find 21 year olds my type, I'm sorry that he is stuck in puberty and fantasy land still.

 

 

Also I do not feel badly about myself or anything just because he would rather have porn than reality, because every girl I KNOW has a boyfriend or husband addicted to porn

All my sisters teenage girlfriends...these are tiny little perfect size 0 , 18 and 19 year olds...their boyfriends are addicted to PORN lol I'm like...are you SERIOUS? really/ are you KIDDING ME???? and same with strippers/ porn stars etc THEIR men are addicted to porn, when the real thing is right there. the porn star, the teenage fantasy are THERE being rejected in real life. come on dudes stop being so LAZY it's just being LAZY that's all it is

[benton88]

Often the only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love with another. But if you're a relatively conscientious person already in a dedicated relationship - where becoming involved in a new relationship isn't a possibility - then you will find no end to your pain. You will never get over your love because you will never get to meet someone new to replace them.

 

I totally agree with this. The only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love again.

 

But this is the very answer to your problem. You need to figure out a way to fall in love with your wife again ... or you have to leave her.

[Notagoodninja]

Hmm idk

Love" releases a the same feel good hormone as a drug does in the brain

I don't think jumping into a new relationship is the answer, that's a bandaid on the issue...that causes you to "feel good" yeah and "dope" your brain up on feel good hormones

But...Idk everything

[RadicalDreamer]

I totally agree with this. The only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love again.

 

But this is the very answer to your problem. You need to figure out a way to fall in love with your wife again ... or you have to leave her.

 

Very well said. This situation, and my own are similar in some ways. In others, not so much. In particular, my marriage was definitely not "great in every other way." and I got tired after trying everything I could think of to make things better between us. But even so, there's never any justification for cheating of any kind. Instead of handling our mutual unhappiness in a way that was respectful to us both (considering some time apart, or pushing harder for counseling), I snuck around and cheated. Now, we're both trying to start over, and it's not easy.

 

If you want some ways to try to get over the other woman, I can give them to you. If you'd like, I can list them here, but if you'd prefer, I can put them in PM too. I can only say that they haven't helped me much in getting over the emotions, but they have helped me to shut down any thoughts caused by those feelings, before they compromise my ability to function and continue trying to salvage my marriage. They've helped me to focus without distractions and keep working at it instead of wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere and wait for the rest of the world to end (though being a daddy to my 3-year old daughter has helped immensely in that too )

 

Now for the elephant in the room. Does your wife know about this? I'm guessing not, and if you mentioned it in the post, I may have missed it. I won't judge you if you haven't told her (this board is rife with hypocritical judgmental mentality as it is...) I also won't harp on you that you have to, but if you truly love her, this is a skeleton you don't want in your closet. And more to the point, if she truly loves you, she deserves to know.

 

My feelings finally "suffocated" after six years in our marriage (we had been engaged for two years prior, had dated for about three years before that.) Despite that, she still meant enough to me to tell her honestly what I had done, and I'm very fortunate that she thinks I am worth trying to work things out with. That may be enough to bring those feelings back.

 

I can't tell you what you have to do or must do, but I can only implore you to assess your situation, search your heart and consider doing the same.

 

Namaste'

[PainedLove]

So, it's been another few months and nothing has changed. I still think about her every day... still dream of having her.

 

Her birthday is coming up, and I've been fighting with the idea of text messaging her. She's closed all normally means of communications about a year ago, and I don't think she remembers - but she gave me her cell number a couple years ago (I've never called it though). The thing is, I've been saving this as a absolute, last shot, emergency means of communicating with her. If I were to contact her, then I'll use up my emergency means, and possibly feel even more helpless & hopeless.

 

I know I shouldn't call her.. I should just let her go - but this idea just keeps nagging at me.

[Moontiger]

Pained,

 

Why are you still stringing your wife along? Seriously, stop feeling pity for yourself, man up, divorce your wife, don't fight her on alimony, and get your life together. Am I harsh? Yes, only because you are way to old to be playing these games. I know people who are 20 who handle relationships better then what you described.

 

You have only see this woman when she has had time to put herself together for you. You have spent year waking up next to her smelly breath in the morning. So, no, you don't love her, she is a fantasy you fooled yourself into believing because you are so unhappy with your own life and to afraid to take control of it.

 

Your wife is the victim in this NOT you so drop the self pity. Do the right thing and leave, she deserves to find someone who can honor their wedding vows and can communicate their needs.

[Javito1986]

Some people are harsh.

 

Seriously though, LEAVE YOUR WIFE for the love of god. Not because "Oh you're a terrible person, she deserves better" like some people on this thread say, but because you don't love her. Why in the world would you tie yourself further to someone you don't love? And deny yourself someone you DO love? That makes no sense and it's stupid, and you've already wasted years.

 

This other girl, if you connected with her in the way that you say you did, is still thinking about you too. Connections like that don't go away. But she left because there's no future with you, you preferred to be tied down to your wife, whom you don't love, than to actually be happy.

 

Don't text her on her birthday. That would be very dumb, and unwelcome because it's not like anything has changed on your end. You need to take control of your own life, communicate with your wife, begin the process of ending things with her (because you are stringing her along too), and THEN you would be free to contact your other girl. I bet she would even welcome that.

 

There's no reason to live your life all tortured like you have been. You're free to pursue your own happiness, there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is you've been going about it in such a sneaky, underhanded way. Why? You can't even tell your wife that you masturbate? You have to hide that you watch porn? What in the world is the point of that living like that? You need to be straight with people, communicate what you want, how you feel, and not hide things just to babysit their feelings. There's nothing at all wrong with masturbating or porn, but if you like to do those things you should probably be with someone who likes them too. That only makes sense. And NOT because you don't want to be criticized, but because there's no need to feel ashamed about that.

 

This is kind of a stupid marriage. No offense. There's just no point in living your life denying yourself. But why all this sneaking around? End things with your wife, then you'll be free to pursue happiness with this other girl. Or in any other aspect of your life.

[PainedLove]

I never contacted her.

 

It's now been a few more months. I just found out she is engaged; the wedding is in October. She's engaged to the boyfriend she was with during the last stages of our friendship... it was because she was with him that she decided to cut contact with me. This is the guy that broke her heart several times, with me helping her win him back (after all, her happiness is most important to me).

 

I'm happy for her. Honestly, I'm happy to know that she is alive. I truly hope she is happy, but I have this fear that she might not be entirely. I knew her for months of their early relationship, and she was frequently very unhappy.

 

Finding this out has been agonizing for me. I've tried to let her go, but the fact is I've been holding my breath now for 18 months. I've been waiting for her... expecting her to return to me (as she had so many times before). Always holding on to the faint hope. But now I'm facing that gut-wrenching pain... she's never coming back. I've truly lost her.

 

I've tried to put this pain to productive use. It's forced me to face issues in my marriage.. to mold it into what I need, or break it in the attempt. Either way is better than it is now... this life can't be maintained any longer. Either I will be happy in my marriage, or my marriage will end and I can try to find happiness elsewhere.

[Miss Firecracker]

So, it's been another few months and nothing has changed. I still think about her every day... still dream of having her.

 

Her birthday is coming up, and I've been fighting with the idea of text messaging her. She's closed all normally means of communications about a year ago, and I don't think she remembers - but she gave me her cell number a couple years ago (I've never called it though). The thing is, I've been saving this as a absolute, last shot, emergency means of communicating with her. If I were to contact her, then I'll use up my emergency means, and possibly feel even more helpless & hopeless.

 

I know I shouldn't call her.. I should just let her go - but this idea just keeps nagging at me.

 

Too bad you can't actually have her for a year or two, see her every morning and smell her nasty breath, hear her moan about the garbage piling up. Maybe a few gassy days here and there, or see a jar of suppositories in her bathroom. For all you know, she has stains in her underwear. lol

 

Good luck in La La Land.

[Miss Firecracker]

And so we finally get to my warning: Often the only way to get over a lost love is to fall in love with another. But if you're a relatively conscientious person already in a dedicated relationship - where becoming involved in a new relationship isn't a possibility - then you will find no end to your pain. You will never get over your love because you will never get to meet someone new to replace them.

 

And this is the burden I secretly carry - the pain that I will always suffer.

 

I'll never stop loving my southern girl.

 

I have no doubt you will replace her with another woman. You will do this every few years until you die I think.

[engraved2008]

Beautiful thread man....i perfectly understand.I can tell u one thing.Go with ur heart.

[Kristenelaine]

You are the reason I dont trust men. You chose to marry your wife. Why marry her if she didnt meet your needs sexually. Why, instead of working on these issues with your wife, did you cheat. Emotinal affairs classify as cheating. I dont think you love the woman you met online. People just want what they cant have. I admire you for not cheating on your wife physically and for staying with her. BUT, if you are going to stay with her, find a way to rekindle the love you guys once had. People think that being "in love" lasts forever. It doesnt. One day, you wake up and have to choose to love the person you are with. REAL LOVE is not some mushy romance movie, or having constant butterflies. Its hard work which pays off when you genuinely care for someone. This is why people in their 20s move from relationship to relationship. Because once the excitement of someone new fades away, they take off to find it with someone else, and then take off again when the excitement fades with them.

 

Nobody has anything of real substance anymore, because we dont understand what love really means. If you want to have a happy and interesting relationship with a strong foundation, and real love and understanding....you have to stay in one. People cheat way to easily, and leave way to easily. No wonder there is so much depression in adults these days. We are too busy focusing on objects, and on fantasies, then we are on people and the bigger picture.

 

Anyway, thats my rant! But seriously...man up! Make it work with your wife, or end things.

[chickydoodle]

Your pain is real regardless of what the basis of this Love is, so harsh words are not going to help .

No one can help you really until time lapses and you have a clearer picture of whether this Love is based in reality or not.

Out of respect for your wife, Love for her and a little selfless action on your behalf , I would continue with being strong and not contacting the cyber girl or

If you want to pursue this, then you need to be prepared to tell your wife and lose her. Everything comes at a price.

I do not see the point in living a lie with your wife while fantasizng about this girl. You are doing neither yourself or her , any favours and there is no nobility in it.

Perhaps you need to go for this , in the right way ( leave your wife ) - even if the end result is to see that ' all is not what it seems".

 

"To betray yourself in order not to betray another, is betrayal nonetheless. It is betrayal of the highest order"

[Kristenelaine]

Too bad you can't actually have her for a year or two, see her every morning and smell her nasty breath, hear her moan about the garbage piling up. Maybe a few gassy days here and there, or see a jar of suppositories in her bathroom. For all you know, she has stains in her underwear. lol

 

Good luck in La La Land.

 

Agreed!! We dont live in a fantasy world.

[Firesiren]

I have done a lot of research and we tend to put people on pedestals. You don't even know her!! You have an image of her in your head that is nothing like what she really is. Everyone does this. Wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, even family member. We see people how we want to perceive them and the flaws tend to be translucent. We know their there but chose to ignore them. Knock her off the pedestal. Imagine waking up to her every mourning with bed hair. Having to come home to her in a regular setting. This is life and she is not an exception she has all the same human traits as anyone else.

Second: Tell your wife this is bull to drag her a long. You need to give her a fair shot at happiness along with yourself.Did you give her a chance to accept your porn habit or masturbation habit? Or did you assume she wouldn't accept it? Nothing you are doing is fair to anyone!! not you,not your wife, and not her.

WAKE UP......and welcome to reality, your married living in dream land and need to grow up and deal with REAL life.