newsinglegal Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 So I met this guy out and about and we had been emailing for a few weeks because I was "unavailable" to his knowledge. I became "available" recently and he asked me out to dinner immediately. We went and had a great first date! At the end of the date he secured date 2. I accepted and we went on date 2. Again great, no kiss. I for some reason have a feeling though, that he is dating other people. We communicate everyday, he initiates, asking how my day is, and just keep a nice text convo. He was out of town for the weekend after date 2 and was very communicative, actually saying he cant wait to see him again. Now..still I feel a bit nervous...he came out of a 3.5 year relationship 5 months ago. Am I a rebound? After he came back from out of town, NADA. i went from 100 to 10..he didn't make plans to see me when he got back, but rather for the weekend and was hardly texting me at all. i finally got a text yesterday of a picture of a inside joke. i didn't want to take his measily bait to communicate so i replied hours later something dry like "oh cool" then i wrote " you confuse me sometimes" he responded "why?" i said "u send mixed signals, not sure what to think"...POOF Gone! have not heard from him since yesterday morning...normally he responds or calls within 10 minutes..but nothing...did i do something or say something THAT terrible. everything else seemed fine, could ONE comment change everything after a few weeks of getting to know someone? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I wouldn't like that kind of text after only two dates. He's not sending you mixed signals-after only two dates he doesn't need to tell you whether he's going to ask you on a third date- if he doesn't, his silence is a clear message that for whatever reason -likely nothing personal -he's moved on. He probably met someone else or went on another date with someone else who he is more interested in. Happens all the time. I don't think he should have sent you the inside joke text if he didn't intend to ask you out again but I also don't think you should have been confrontational especially while hiding behind a phone screen so to speak. It wasn't that terrible but as a dear friend of mine said about dating "if you sneeze wrong it's all over" -it's tough out there. Link to comment
Mephisto13 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 You did nothing wrong. He's just not that into you. He probably doesn't want to tell you to "spare your feelings"...which is often worse than just plain saying it. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 well he did ask me out on a third date before he left on his trip (he asked me on wednesday)..was out of town on thursday-sun. he text me everyday...saying he couldn't wait to see me again. initially last Wednesday he left with "have a good weekend!" i took it as, ok we'll talk when he comes back in town...which i was fine with..but he then persisted to text me from airport and throughout the day, everyday. he called me sunday on his way home from airport telling me about his trip and that we would make plans for the weekend...he said "ill call, but we'll talk" meaning he'd just be texting as usual. monday and tuesday were no communication...so it was odd considering the expectations he already set i guess Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 I don't think a pattern or expectations are set that early on. If you'd been dating three months, exclusively, I'd have a different view. When is the 3rd date scheduled? Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Not sure if the text was that terrible, but it probably came off as pushy to him. I think you are expecting too much from him and wanting more communication. But, I think maybe you should send him a non-chalant apology in case he took offense since you need to remember he doesn't owe you anything whether it be texts, calls etc. No one owes anyone anything until they are in a relationship. Maybe just text him something like: Hey, sorry about the other day, you caught me in a terrible mood. Hope things are ok with you. Have a good weekend! and leave him alone to decide to text you back or not. And this way you set up with an apology, are nice to him, and also aren't pushing for a response back anytime soon since you already said have a good weekend. This'll show you can wait and are chill about things. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Yes, you pushed him away. I don't get how he was sending you mixed messages, but for sure showing your "psycho chick" card so soon sent him packing. Link to comment
Julia Durst Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 He has given you the red flag. I suggest you should move on to the next guy. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 I dont "feel" like psycho chick and i do feel bad about the text. it was actually a bad day and i wish i never sent it. thats why i called to clarify later that day...i didnt leave a voicemail but he has not called back...i dont have expecations but cosidering i may be rebound girl...i was just playing it safe to sew where he saw him self in he dating world in general....i just wish i could clear it all up. should i contact him? our date was supposed to be this weekend..most likely sat and he was sup to call to confirm...but i dont think he will...i know it sounds easy to move on but it sucks for a potentially great relationship to be sabatoged for a bad text.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Calling without leaving a VM probably confused him. It can't hurt to call and apologize. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 i sent him a text today...since the call with no vm might have been again shady and vague. i wrote "hi XXX, how have you been? well i just wanted to wish you a happy thanksgiving. I called you the other day to apologize for my text. I was having a bad day. i hope to clarify what i meant bec i think it came out wrong. u seem like a great guy and id still like to get to know you better...again enjoy your day with your family!" i wrote "id still like to get to know you better" to take a few step backs and to remind him that i am aware this is still new, even though he took us to a very connected place very quickly with texting me over 20 messages a day since the day we went out. granted it was 2 dates, its amazing how you can really get to know someone. he would always check in with me, and i found it interesting considering he had just come out of a serious relationship..bec he was acting very boyfriendy...but i freaking was in awe of him, i just went with it....it didnt freak me out...i was into him! well, he never responded...i am shocked, bec he seemed like such a gentleman and polite to not even say, "im so sorry things didnt work out, nice to meet you.." or even "don't worry, it was nice to meet you anyway" just an acknowledgment...to at least have enough respect to do that...i guess he was just a stranger afterall....bummer Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 You are digging your own grave with these communications girl. If I were you, I would just move on. It was only a couple dates. And I would be wary of a guy who sends over 20 texts a day ... he might grow hot quickly and cold quickly too. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 You can't be sure he received the text. As far as "he took us to a very connected place very quickly with texting me over 20 messages a day since the day we went out. granted it was 2 dates, its amazing how you can really get to know someone" -that kind of thinking is not going to be very productive if you want to continue dating. He didn't take you anywhere- you were a willing participant in that much texting that early on and, no, you don't really get to know someone for relevant purposes in two dates -you have to know someone over a period of time -months -to know what they are like, how they react to various life situations and especially if you're going to take the passive "well he texted me a lot" role then you're really not going to get to know him because you won't be taking responsibility for the pace of the relationship. He might be concerned about replying because of your text the other day - he doesn't know you well enough to know which is the real you- the person who was confrontational after only a few dates or this person who is now contrite (or it might seem desperate to him even if you didn't mean it that way) so he's taking the safer path and just pretending he never received it. Many people don't call after a second date because it's only two dates so there's that too. Link to comment
lady00 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I think that you should move on and take this as a lesson learned on several fronts, one of them being that you should not send anything too heavy over text message and the other being don't expect anything when you come off as accusatory (with respect to accusing him of sending mixed messages) very early on (or at all when there is nothing to suggest that is the case). He may feel like he was put on the defensive and at this stage it's not worth his time and effort to start defending himself. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 You are digging your own grave with these communications girl. If I were you, I would just move on. It was only a couple dates. And I would be wary of a guy who sends over 20 texts a day ... he might grow hot quickly and cold quickly too. Yes, it was hot and cold thats why i said what i said...it was too soon to be hot and cold....i know everyone is saying that i was a participant in the pace, and i do take responsibility for sure, but i do think that i was taking his lead, and responding, because i like him....and i liked the pace, i was happy with it. if i didnt like him, or a guy in general, i would not reply as quickly to a text or be busy when he wants to hang out. i sent the final text as my final offer to fix the situation. granted it prob confused him more. unfortunately i can not turn back time...i really liked him and i know that if i was in his shoes, and he text me something like that, i would not freak out. if i really liked the person, i would feel bad they feel as tho they are getting mixed msgs and id talk openly about it. i guess i am more open about things...esp if i like the person! so perhaps he was not as into me as i thought, and he was just going at a fast pace bec i kept accepting it Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 to be honest....i knew i liked him, and i was gonna like him this way from the moment i saw him walk into the room over a month ago. it was such an intense attraction, unlike any other (i have been in 3 serious relationships...nearly engaged earlier this year) so love is not a stranger to me....but this attraction was. on our first date, after our initial meet (we met at a football game) and emailed for a few weeks before we even went on a date (which also contributes to why i felt like we knew eachother more...we had a few mutual friends and were just emailing and talking like friends for a few weeks before he asked me to dinner. so, the "date night" arrived, at this point having emailed a few weeks...i was SO nervous because it finally came, i had been wanting to see him since the moment i saw him first, and it finally came...i was so sick to my stomach like a teen in love. i feel that we got to know eachother so well over email before we finally met again. at dinner, we talked for hours, until the restaurant closed, like we had been friends forever....i felt nervous still , but at peace...i felt good. after our date, i was on cloud 9, at the end he walked me to my car and said he'd love to see me again. i joked and said no (i joke alot) and immediately saw his face and apologized and said absolutely id love to see him again! he text me on my way home confirming the amazing time he had... the next day, everyday after that...i felt sick...full of butterflies...i couldnt wait to see him again but i had to bec of busy schedules...i began to scare myself bec i was really starting to like him a lot and i had my heart broken by the near engagement guy in june this year. a part of me, crazily, just wanted to end it. i was afraid that i was liking him too much and i may get hurt, and i wanted to protect myself. again no indication yet that he was going to hurt me, but yet i was still afraid...bec i could see myself falling in love with him fairly quickly. date 2 happened, again nervous butterflies but success. that is when i learned bout his break up too earlier this summer...his was a longer relationship and she cheated on him...this is where my insecurities kicked in. was i a rebound? i feel i was digging for the other shoe to drop, for a problem, bec he was too good to be true....but nothing was happening... finally, i get distance and coldness for 1-2 days and i use THAT as my excuse to sabatoge...bec i did not want to fall in love and get hurt by him (again my insecurities)....he did nothing wrong...it was me...who just couldnt allow another good thing to happen to me, bec thus far in my life, the loves i have had have been shattered.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 If you see long term potential, control the pace of the communication by getting to know someone over time at a reasonable pace and don't type and talk too much before meeting in person because it often causes unrealistic expectations as it did for you. There is a way to make sure someone knows you are interested despite not being interested in an insta-relationship. What you did often burns out quickly. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 If you see long term potential, control the pace of the communication by getting to know someone over time at a reasonable pace and don't type and talk too much before meeting in person because it often causes unrealistic expectations as it did for you. There is a way to make sure someone knows you are interested despite not being interested in an insta-relationship. What you did often burns out quickly. thank u, i need to learn and practice how to confirm my interest without moving too soon...i was afraid he'd think otherwise so i dove in...lsson learned! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 finally, i get distance and coldness for 1-2 days and i use THAT as my excuse to sabatoge...bec i did not want to fall in love and get hurt by him (again my insecurities)....he did nothing wrong...it was me...who just couldnt allow another good thing to happen to me, bec thus far in my life, the loves i have had have been shattered.... Girl that's a lot of baggage to bring into a second date. I am pretty good at communicating but even this would drive me away. Emailing for weeks does create a false sense of knowledge. I did this with my second bf and he was not the same guy in real life. Link to comment
im_the_undead Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 how annoying. forget about him and don't even ponder why he's doing this or that. us women ain' got time ta figure them lil boys out, movin' onnnn. lol Link to comment
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