Girlfriend still talking to ex lover

[darthwoods73]

I am with my girl 5 months and we get on really well. She is 2 years separated and thus went on the rebound, looking for love or something. About 18 months ago she joined Alcoholics anonymous as she has a slight drink problem. While there she got involved with a guy who she went out with for a year. This guy is called "dublin P". At the same time though she liked this other guy "derry P" who she had some brief encounters with but it did involve sleeping together on at least one occasion. One way or another "derry P" strung her along for months, pretending he wanted a relationship but seemingly only wanted to mess her head up. "derry P" was fully aware she was vulnerable and at one stage said he could have her in mental hospital! Eventually she saw him for what he was and and decided to continue her half-assed relationship with "dublin P".

 

So it ended about 6 months ago quite badly and then she met myself. After a month or so we had sex while drunk and she mentioned this "derry P" guy and said she was somewhat attracted to him still, like he had some sort of hold over her still in my opinion. We had a good chat and she hasn't drank since then and it's been great. Since that she has been in contact with him occasionally and I said nothing about it thinking it would peeter out. After we were with each other 2 months she asked me to get rid of some internet female friends and I obliged with little fuss as she is insecure but also I agree with this. So, every few weeks she openly tells me this "derry P" guy has been phoning or whatever and then 3 weeks ago tells me he's using her as an intermediary to buy some Nicotine gum from a woman in AA. She says he's only using her and I tell her I'm not too happy with this whole thing anyway. She says he contacts her and she talks sometimes cos she's lonely and doesn't have many friends, which is true. I talked to her last night and I wangled out of her that she has been contacting him a lot, not the other way around as she tried to make out.

 

I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I treat her very well and really like her but it's starting to get to me. Maybe it shouldn't and I'm over-reacting but I'm not too comfortable having this guy around especially as my gf respects his opinion. When I asked is this guy a friend she replied "no" as he is a chancer. So, it doesn't add up to me: she doesn't trust him but thinks he gives good advice, she doesn't fancy him but can't get away from him. If she needs sound advice she should grab a sponsor. I just think that he took advantage of her when she was vulnerable and feel insecure that she might go to him for advice and I certainly wouldn't trust him if she was vulnerable again. When I asked how she would be if it was the other way around she said she "wouldn't have it" but that she hasn't many friends and thinks I'm trying to control her. I told her she would have proper friends if she didn't associate with guys like this. I have a feeling if she doesn't sort it soon she may have 1 less friend...me! Apart from anything my respect is going down the swanny quickly. Any thoughts appreciated, be honest!!!!

[Lamour detruit]

So..she can tell you to lose some friends, but you can't tell her the same thing about a guy she has a past with ?...lame reasoning.

 

Asking her to stop contacting him seems fair, she needs to move on, and he spells bad news, she knows this. She'll have to respect your wishes. I'd probably walk away after a while if my girl decided to continue displaying such bad judgment.

[RedDress]

I talked to her last night and I wangled out of her that she has been contacting him a lot, not the other way around as she tried to make out.

 

So... in other words, she's been lying about him. And on top of the lies, you feel like there might be more to their relationship than she is letting on. Do you believe the story about the nicotine gum? You know you can buy that at any pharmacy, right?

 

I think you really like this girl and are in a bit of denial when it comes to her. She has a "slight" drinking problem? You slept with her while she was drunk (so she hasn't been sober long) and she goes to AA. I think she has more than a "slight" problem. She's an alcoholic.

 

This woman sounds like she has a lot of baggage. Alcoholism that is - at best - recently under control. Lies about people she has slept with. Rebounds. Exes all around her...

 

I think you are dating someone who is not really in a good position to be dating, so you are going to get a lot of weird "stuff". So... is what you are experiencing normal? No. But... I mean... you aren't dating in a normal circumstance. Are you thinking of asking her to cut ties with her AA group? Because that could be bad...

[darthwoods73]

Nah she isn't lying as such. The woman gets the gum on the welfare and sells it to this guy but won't deal directly with him as she thinks he's a * * * * * . I know she has improved a lot mentally and doesn't fancy this guy at all now but I just wish she would get rid of him altogether. She has been upfront about everything but there's a major issue of self-respect going on here apart from anything else. I just wonder why she still needs this guy, if she needs AA advice she should grab a sponsor. This is a lot of innocence involved here and I'm not naive myself but it's a pain in the arse. I suppose what I am asking is am I being reasonable?????

 

Thanks to all for replying....x

[trustno1]

someone that cannot respect themselves cannot respect the relationship.....I know there are feelings on your end....but I would re-evaluate the realtionship and ask your self one simple question....Is this what happiness is supposed to feel like?

[trustno1]

one other thing.....if you calculate all the time she is spending with this dude....and add it up on paper...you can see how much time and energy she is not putting into you and the relationship.......