lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 My bf and I get on power struggles sometimes and I wanna know who won here. My bf asked on Monday If I wanted to hang out or if I had made plans. I said I had already made plans but that I could do something Tuesday. He responsed.."okay w/e you want" in a pissed off kinda tone. He started making plans with me for tuesday and then stopped. Today I texted him saying I wasn't feeling well and asked if we could do something tomorrow. He replied with "yeah.. I guess" and asked why I didn't feel good. After that he said that he would still hang out if I was a little sick and to call him when I got home from work. Earlier this evening he texted me again and asked if I was feeling better which I replied and said yeah i am and we could hang out, but that I'd want him to come to my house. He said that he was just going to stay home. I said okay that's fine and to let me know if tomorrow worked for him. He said yes it worked. Was this a power struggle? It feels like it was. Who still has the power? I am not really sick..more so in a pissed off mood about other stuff, but I kinda also wanted to see if he would change his plans around again. Link to comment
Snny Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 My bf and I get on power struggles sometimes and I wanna know who won here. That first sentence right there is your problem. You do not have a sincere relationship with a person when you are power struggling against them. Power struggling is when two people are trying to control each other through manipulative uses. Think of it as two Alpha Males fighting for dominance. Either way it never holds positive and productive results and can later resort to break-ups. Power trips are mentally exhausting and extremely childish, so avoid them. In this situation, no you both weren't doing so. You just did not follow through with solid plans and aggravated the other person. but I kinda also wanted to see if he would change his plans around again. According to your post, you're the one who initiated changing plans around. You first told him you weren't available until the next day... gave a last minute notice to back out again... then changed it again to make him come over because you were "feeling better." and now you expect him to change his plans more for you? Make up your mind... this would drive me NUTS if I were your date. Honestly, is it really worth fighting over something trivial like this? Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Yeah thats true...I guess at the time when he asked if I was feeling better that was hinting "so do u want to hang out?" thats why I said it was ok to. I know I can't be upset that he didn't want come over because like you said I changed them up in the first place... Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Were you really ill or were you exaggerating to pay power games? Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 I was actually in a bad mood and tired like I told him, but I was also pissed at myself because I felt like I gave into him when he said "ok, w/e you want" instead of being like "ok, w/e chris.." and kinda not letting him make me feel bad, I told him I wasn't rejecting him. I felt like I gave him complete control saying that and so I felt like I needed to find a way to get some of my control back because I didn't want him to think that he could manipulate me like that. Typically I am good at standing my ground and not letting him get to me, but this time for some reason I slipped. Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I don't see that you had any reason to be mad or take control. Something isn't right in this dynamic and you need to analyse what it is and how to fix it. Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 He had asked if I wanted to hang out or if I had plans. I said I had already made plans and suggested that we hang out tomorrow. he replied with "ok, w/e you want..." in an attitudeish tone. and then I said "I hope you dont feel rejected" why should I have given into his attitudish tone and let him try to make me feel bad about wanting to hang out another day?" I felt like I should of had a "get over yourself...you could of asked in advance if you wanted to hang out that badly" kind of state of mind. and I got mad at myself that I didnt react like that which i normally do and I dont want him to think he can take control. Link to comment
Snny Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I felt like I gave him complete control saying that and so I felt like I needed to find a way to get some of my control back because I didn't want him to think that he could manipulate me like that. This does not sound like a healthy relationship going on here at all. There is a LOT of resentment building upon your end. You need to figure out what is causing this. Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 This does not sound like a healthy relationship going on here at all. There is a LOT of resentment building upon your end. You need to figure out what is causing this. I agree with this. Like I said you need to do some self-analysis here. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I think that if you are even thinking about who has power - your relationship is broken. Why would you want power anyways? Don't you want a mutually satisfying relationship where you both contribute to making the relationship what it is? Or are you looking to dictate how the relationship will be (ie: you want a whipping boy)? Do you want to be with someone who wants power over you and you have to fight for your dignity? Or do you want someone who respects what you think and works with you for a mutually happy outcome? As soon as you talk about "power", the focus is in the wrong place. Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 I mean I agree with what you are both saying, but thats besides the point and the reason for my post. I don't understand why he couldn't of told me constructively how he was feeling about me having plans or better yet rationalize with himself that maybe he cant be mad bc he chose not to ask me out in advance. I dont want him to think that he can talk to me in such a way to get what he wants. Its like someone saying to you "fine, I'll be here sitting all alone while your out with your friends" Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Do you want to be with someone who wants power over you and you have to fight for your dignity? Or do you want someone who respects what you think and works with you for a mutually happy outcome? The second one, however you must give respect in order to receive it back and in this situation I did nothing wrong by making other plans. He chose to start the power struggle. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 The second one, however you must give respect in order to receive it back and in this situation I did nothing wrong by making other plans. He chose to start the power struggle. I guess I'm struggling to see why you think his reaction was the start of a power struggle. He is entitled to his feelings. It's ok if he was annoyed. What matters is that he didn't try to push things. He said "ok - whatever (in an annoyed tone). How's Tuesday?". That's fine. He can be annoyed. He's not asking you not to go. He's just annoyed. Same as if someone says "fine, I'll be sitting all alone while you are out with your friends". You can simply say "ok. Enjoy your alone time!". People are entitled to their feelings. Their feelings aren't a reflection of you. It's up to THEM to manage their feelings and confront you with actual words if there is a problem. It's not up to YOU to manage their feelings for them. It sounds like you are trying to manage his feelings. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Why are you so focused on winning a power struggle? Do you feel he has disrespected you in the past? Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Your right he can say whatever he wanted, but I guess it depends on how you respond to it. Saying "enjoy your time alone" in the friends situation is telling the person that you aren't making me feel bad for choosing my friends over you. If you actually DID feel bad you would of ditched your friends to hang out with them. I didn't like how I responded to him by saying "i hope you aren't feeling rejected" I felt like by saying that, it was reassuring him that it's ok to talk to me like that.I guess I'm tired of that kinda attitude from him. Sometimes when I am not giving him attention he'll say "good talk." or things like that to kinda make me feel bad for ignoring him. Bc I was mad at myself and felt like I gave in and accepted his rudeness I felt I needed to see if I "rejected him again" (by saying i was sick) he would act the same way so that I could call him out on his behavior which is what I meant to do originally, but slipped. And yes he has disrespected me in the past. Bcause he is so afraid of feeling whipped and taken advantage of for the most part i feel like he tries to have the upper hand or atleast make things equal. A couple weekends ago I had friends visiting in town and we all went out including my bf and some of his friends. He was getting angry at me because I was giving my friends who I haven't seen in 4 months more attention. One of my friends got really drunk and needed to leave the bar so my other friend told me she was going to take him back to our house. Mind you, at the time both their phones were dead and they didn't have the code to get into my house. I told my bf I needed to go home and he got mad I wanted to leave and said that my friends obviously don't care about me because they didn't wait for me. At the time he didn't even know why they needed to leave and why I wanted to leave with them and assumed I was ditching him, which i tried to explain but he wasn't listening and so eventually I got fed up and walked away. He is not a horrible person and a great bf to me most of the time, however because of his insecurity issues sometimes I think it gets in the way of always being a great bf and he starts to think about his needs and his wants only. Link to comment
confusedwithboys Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I don't know if this is always the way things are between you and your boyfriend when making plans, but if I were treated the way he was, I would be insulted to be honest. You clearly are focused on having the 'upper hand' in your interactions with your boyfriend when this attitude really doesn't belong in a relationship. Your boyfriend is worried about being a doormat? I don't blame him. If I were met with this: "I felt like I should of had a "get over yourself...you could of asked in advance if you wanted to hang out that badly" kind of state of mind." after expressing frustration of not being able to see you, it would be a big problem. Sure, he could have made plans further in advance, and sure he could have reacted with a bit more maturity, but to try and build a relationship with someone who wants you to chase them all the time and doesn't give the relationship the attention it really needs is frustrating. Maybe he's needy, I don't know, but he is trying to tell you that he wants more attention from you. For whatever its worth, in the initial situation you wrote about in your first post, you completely held all of the 'power'. He asked, you said no. Thinking that "giving in" to his immaturity by being polite rather than being a cow gives him the power is incorrect, and shows how scared you are to give any power away. Clearly, he is frustrated. Why didn't you just ask why he was upset, or tell him you don't really appreciate a snarky attitude? Telling him to 'get over himself' puts him immediately at the defensive, and it is really a b**chy thing to say to your boyfriend. I think you've forgotten to consider that, in your insistence on being the one who holds all the power, you're railroading your boyfriend and forcing him into being a doormat. What is wrong with him trying to foster an equal power balance in your relationship? Link to comment
John3572 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I read a quote that said, "The one that loves the least controls the relationship.". Makes sense. The person that has already mentally "packed their bags" is in control. They're just hanging out until their ready to move on. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I think there is a lot of dysfunctional stuff going on. I mean... for your own sake, there is emotions management. You know when you are a kid and someone takes your candy away and you get mad? That kid will instantly FREAK out and throw a tantrum. Later on in life, we (hopefully) learn anger management. We learn that when someone takes your candy and you get mad - you stop - and you process the feeling. You determine why you are mad and what you are going to do about it. Then you calmly say "Hey bud! That was my candy. Please give it back" Similarly - no one can make you feel bad. Just like no one can make you throw a tantrum. These are choices. So - in the first example of the friends, if they say "I'll be all alone, boo hoo" and you start to feel bad you can stop, process the feeling and decide what to do about it. If your friend is being unreasonable, you can choose to tell them "too bad!". If your friend is being reasonable, you can choose to ditch the others and be with them. I don't think it's a question of "if you really felt bad". Just as I don't think that the lack of a tantrum means that you are not mad. It just means that you have processed the emotion and have chosen to deal with it in an alternate way. Same with the "good talk" comment. You hear the comment. You feel. You stop and think. Before you have the "tantrum"... does the feeling have merit? What is an appropriate action? You can choose to feel bad or you can choose to say "thanks" (with tongue in cheek). I think you are missing the processing step. So... basically... as a result of his insecurity, he throws out a bunch of "prods" to try to make you feel bad for not paying attention to him or ditching him. As a result of you not managing your own emotions (or processing why you feel bad, whether or not the feeling has merit and what you should do about it), you jump at every one of his prods. Then you feel a bit "whipped" because he keeps prodding and you keep running after him trying to manage HIS feelings (instead of managing your own and letting him deal with his). So then you try to take back your "power" by playing additional games. Which probably makes him insecure and send out more "prods". Dysfunctional. That's my non-professional opinion. Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Why didn't you just ask why he was upset, or tell him you don't really appreciate a snarky attitude? Telling him to 'get over himself' puts him immediately at the defensive, and it is really a b**chy thing to say to your boyfriend. I didn't want to be mean like that. It was just mind set I was trying to explain. I wanted to tell him that I didnt apperciate his snarky attitude, but I eneded up saying something different and regretted it. I felt like in order to make things feel equal again I had to manipulate the situation. I guess this is my problem really. But at the same our relationship started off really rocky and probably created a cracked foundation. We have power struggles because before whenever we'd make plans he always wanted to do what he wanted to and never wanted to come over to my house and I always felt like I was the one giving in. We probably don't process our emotions effectively, but I think its because of trust issues. Some things happened in the past and I lost trust in him and even though now things are way different I sometimes still slip back to that old mind set and think about the past. I am sure he does too. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I think that if you are even thinking about who has power - your relationship is broken. Why would you want power anyways? Don't you want a mutually satisfying relationship where you both contribute to making the relationship what it is? Or are you looking to dictate how the relationship will be (ie: you want a whipping boy)? Do you want to be with someone who wants power over you and you have to fight for your dignity? Or do you want someone who respects what you think and works with you for a mutually happy outcome? As soon as you talk about "power", the focus is in the wrong place. This ^^^. The moment you ask who's 'won' in a relationship, the relationship has lost. And so have both of you. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 It's pretty simple really. It's his way or the high-way, and your acting out because of it. Link to comment
lilxcutie53 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 I think were fine right now. I just swallowed my pride last night and told him to let me know if he wanted to do something today. he said it was fine and then texted me this morning saying to give him a call when i was out of work. Link to comment
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