Nick Lansing Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 So my ex contacted me last week, after 5 months of very little contact. The breadcrumbs had been getting closer together in the past month or so, but I had pretty much given up hope and moved on. Finally, last Monday, she sent me a text for the first time since the breakup. It emerged that she was at a bar near my house. After texting back and forth a few times over an hour or so, I asked if I could join her. She said OK. I acted as I would upon meeting up with an old friend, smiles, a chaste hug, "How've you been?" I kept things lighthearted. I walked her home, gave her a hug, and she kissed me. We went out again last night. It went well, felt a lot like our first date did... only this time, I cut the evening short. Fingers crossed now. We'll see what happens. EIther way, I'm healed and prepared for whatever. Folks, if it's gonna happen it will probably be whe you've given up hope it will ever happen. Move on, go away peacefully and more or less completely, initiate contact seldom if ever, and when the dust settles, you may get another chance. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 aww hunny i'm so happy for you, i've read your posts....i hope with all my heart that things go well for you, good luck!! loulou x Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Well -- yeah. Just be chill....not chilly! Strange how the universe knows when you can handle it! Link to comment
carrie8484 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I really enjoy reading your posts and about your past relationships and It seems like you handle everything very admirably post BU which puts you in the best possible light for reconciliation, which is probably why you have had so much success with recons over the years. I wish I could learn by what you do but I am not as strong or emotionally dignified as you. Good luck! Link to comment
ZackMorris Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 link removed See point number 4 (if you haven't already seen this article). Well done! Hopefully things progress nicely. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Good attitude and luck! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 All the best, Nick! Link to comment
trustno1 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I think this is a good thing ,,,but you better make sure she is not seeing someone else....I am going through being with my girl for 9 months and her ex still calls her...and I am very upset about it.....so I am having a long conversation with her tonight to find whats really the deal between us...but it seems you too aren't seeing anyone else...so success to you..... Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thank you guys, it means a lot. This is the only time I've really gone by the book (meaning the ena "book"), and it was kind of frustrating it didn't seem to be paying off. I mean, it did in the sense that I had a good attitude, but I still had that pain inside up until pretty recently. In my other breakups, I wasn't as cool. But with all of them, my ex didn't come back until I had stopped trying and pretty much stopped hoping. It is almost as mhowe suggests, that the universe knows when you're ready. I also think the "dumper" (hate that term but it's great shorthand) waits until they feel like the initial panic/desperation-type emotions have died down before they feel like it's safe to re-initiate contact. I think they realize, consciously or not, that your feelings can't really be trusted at such times, so they wait for things to die down. If you had a decent relationship and didn't burn your bridge afterward, in time your ex will remember you fondly. I can't remember who wrote this, but someone on ena likened it to drawing out a stray cat (or maybe it was a deer or something -- anyway a skittish animal). The cat is wary and skittish and doesn't know if it can trust you, whether you might try to grab it up or hurt it or whatever. So, you just sit there, peacefully and quietly. Don't even pay the cat any attention. Eventually the cat may cautiously walk over to you. But don't pet it yet; it will probably bolt back into its hiding place, or run away... But you can look at it, smile, maybe say a couple words quietly and softly. A harmless, pleaant, pressure-free interaction. Take your time, let the cat make the moves. It may take a long time, but eventually it will trust you. Treat it well, handle it with care, and now you've got a relationship. But you can't MAKE the cat come to you... you can only try to create the conditions that will make it feel safe with you and want to come to you. I think that's a great analogy for situations like this, that is, after a breakup where the dumper is over the initial bad feelings and begins to reach out. Breadcrumbs or whatever. Don't take the communications seriously, react with cool politeness if at all. It's a completely different dynamic than it is when meeting someone for the first time. The advice on here is good. Stay away, move on, love and respect yourself. Don't take the rejection personally. Respect your ex's decision, and recognize that any moves you make during the first few weeks or months after the breakup, however well-intentioned they may be, will almost certainly work against you. So don't make any moves, other than trying to improve your life. Assume the ex is gone for good; limit your hope to the hope your ex will remember the relationship fondly some day. Be open to new relationships but don't dive in heedlessly. Again, thanks to everyone for your kind words and your support. I think all of you are good-hearted people and hopefully I've helped some of you feel better about your own situations. Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 I think this is a good thing ,,,but you better make sure she is not seeing someone else....I am going through being with my girl for 9 months and her ex still calls her...and I am very upset about it.....so I am having a long conversation with her tonight to find whats really the deal between us...but it seems you too aren't seeing anyone else...so success to you..... I know. I doubt she is though... and anyway I'm trying to look at this like it's brand new. In other words, it's fine if she is seeing someone else. We're not exclusive. Hell we've only been on one date. New relationship. Not even a relationship yet even! The ex will probably be around in some capacity since they have friends in common... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, fortunately I'm not in too deep. Keeping an open mind. Good luck dmz... play it cool. Link to comment
Jim Wormold Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Hey Nick, always liked your posts. Great news...holding thumbs. You deserve the best, whoever that may be Link to comment
Mellie Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Nice thread - some good stuff in here. I always like to hear follow up stories, good as well as bad, but the positive ones often never appear as folks are either too scared they'll jinx it or too busy going off and being, well, happy. Can't begrudge them that, I suppose Nice to hear, Nick - good luck. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I know. I doubt she is though... and anyway I'm trying to look at this like it's brand new. In other words, it's fine if she is seeing someone else. We're not exclusive. Hell we've only been on one date. New relationship. Not even a relationship yet even! The ex will probably be around in some capacity since they have friends in common... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, fortunately I'm not in too deep. Keeping an open mind. Good luck dmz... play it cool. awsome inspiring post nick and ive appreciated your advice on my threads. one question though. Did your ex leave you for this ex of hers you speak of or was he a rebound or was he from the past before you? and if he was rebound/reason she left how did you overcome this resentment enough to make the reach for contact? Link to comment
kuteknish Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 ...looking forward to hearing more as things unfold, or just whatever feelings you want to share! Link to comment
jbug Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 hi nick, im really happy for you. quick question. you said you little contact over the 5 months and then got ur first text message. what was the little contact then? how was it made? thanks Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 awsome inspiring post nick and ive appreciated your advice on my threads. one question though. Did your ex leave you for this ex of hers you speak of or was he a rebound or was he from the past before you? and if he was rebound/reason she left how did you overcome this resentment enough to make the reach for contact? Im curious about this one as well... Congratz in any case Nick! Good luck!!!! Link to comment
ironman73 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Nick - I have a question for you- I know that you said it is akin to feeding a deer or cat, but lets say that you, as the dumpee, was just collateral damage for a whole bunch of crap the dumper is going through? With my relationship, my 18month bf was worried that he didn't have a proper career and started to panic. He went through this existential crisis. Told me that I was the perfect gf and that this wasn't my fault. And he looks at our relationship fondly. But the feeding the cat thing implies that the dumper has had their feelings hurt when it is really me (the dumpee). Are the guidelines still the same? Go slowly, be available, but minimally? Link to comment
vel2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 So I take it that, having left with dignity, respected her decision, responded to her various contact but not intiated and not brought up the BU at all when we have spoken, that now 4 months post BU if I gave into my huge temptation to contact her for that full 'closure' chat and asked her if she is seeing the friend she was away with before we broke up (I know the answer!) and sought answers to my unanswered questions, then that would be a terrible idea? Link to comment
The Mouse Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 So I take it that, having left with dignity, respected her decision, responded to her various contact but not intiated and not brought up the BU at all when we have spoken, that now 4 months post BU if I gave into my huge temptation to contact her for that full 'closure' chat and asked her if she is seeing the friend she was away with before we broke up (I know the answer!) and sought answers to my unanswered questions, then that would be a terrible idea? If u know the answer dont ask the question, but if it helps you get closure by reaching out then do it for yourself and accept the outcome as your closure. Im meeting my ex tonight after 3 months for the same reason, of course it will be a set back if my closure means theres to be no chance, but id rather be clear on that and naturally it will be a set back to moving on but it will hopefully be the final set back, im glad i broke NC after 3 months regardless of the outcome now Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 So I take it that, having left with dignity, respected her decision, responded to her various contact but not intiated and not brought up the BU at all when we have spoken, that now 4 months post BU if I gave into my huge temptation to contact her for that full 'closure' chat and asked her if she is seeing the friend she was away with before we broke up (I know the answer!) and sought answers to my unanswered questions, then that would be a terrible idea? Yes. It would be a terrible idea. Unless of course, you are just looking for closure. Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 awsome inspiring post nick and ive appreciated your advice on my threads. one question though. Did your ex leave you for this ex of hers you speak of or was he a rebound or was he from the past before you? and if he was rebound/reason she left how did you overcome this resentment enough to make the reach for contact? I don't think she left me for him, but I do think they got back together. He definitely played into the breakup in some way. So after a while, I sort of reconciled myself to the idea that I was her rebound. I don't have any resentment because she never led me on. We only dated three months. She's known this guy much longer than she's known me. He knows her family well; they were friends before they hooked up and, as far as I know, he didn't mistreat her or anything. I don't think he trashed me to her... I have nothing against the guy. And he didn't dump her. I just look at it like, he had dibs. And we all have free will. She had every right to go back to him if she wanted to. Having said that, I do think he's kind of a schlub. The way she talked about him, it was almost like she felt sorry for him. She has a professional degree, he never went to college, she owns her own house, he has a dirty flat with roommates or whateve, etc. After the breakup, I hoped that, over time, she'd start to realize she gave up something pretty good (me) for something not-so-good! But I gave up hope after a while, shrugged my shoulders and told myself "There's no accounting for taste." As someone here put it, love is not a meritocracy. And I felt like, if I went away on a positive note, chances were good she'd come back, because we really did have a strong connection, and it was unlikely her reconciliation with her ex would last. And I've been through this before. When I joined ena in '09, I was going through a terribly painful breakup, and we did reconcile. She was with someone else after we broke up -- perfectly legitimate, no cheating or anything. But after we reconciled, I AGONIZED over the idea she'd been with someone else, that she didn't love me enough to stay celibate, almost like a widow mourning... did she love him more than me, did she miss me, blah blah blah...STUPID stuff, I know. I tortured myself. (In my defense, she was just as bad). Looking back on it now, what she did when we were apart was entirely her business, and absolutely none of my concern. So I've learned from that. I had been warned by Brownstone and others here about going slowly in a reconciliation, and treating it like a new relationship, but we didn't really heed that advice and it hurt our chances. This time, it's easier because this relationship was much shorter and we never made any commitment to one another. I plan to take things slowly (whether she likes it or not!), to take nothing for granted, and not to ask about her ex or what happened when we were apart. If things progress, I'm sure we'll discuss the reasons for the first breakup, but I don't think we need to do that now. Really, there are some things you're better off not knowing. What matters is that NOW, she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. We'll see where it goes. My guard is up, as it should be in any new reltionship. New relationship, that's my mantra... Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 hi nick, im really happy for you. quick question. you said you little contact over the 5 months and then got ur first text message. what was the little contact then? how was it made? thanks Through facebook (I know, I know), and a couple very short, joke-y emails. We waved to each other in traffic once, and a few weeks ago I ran into her at the coffee shop (thank God I'd taken the trouble to shave and comb my hair that Saturday morning ) Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Nick - I have a question for you- I know that you said it is akin to feeding a deer or cat, but lets say that you, as the dumpee, was just collateral damage for a whole bunch of crap the dumper is going through? With my relationship, my 18month bf was worried that he didn't have a proper career and started to panic. He went through this existential crisis. Told me that I was the perfect gf and that this wasn't my fault. And he looks at our relationship fondly. But the feeding the cat thing implies that the dumper has had their feelings hurt when it is really me (the dumpee). Are the guidelines still the same? Go slowly, be available, but minimally? i think it's still the same. Your BF was going through pain too, and you were associated with it in some way, even if you didn't do anything to hurt him. Go away quietly, don't slam the door behind you. I just think it's hard to break it off with someone who loves you. You don't make such a decision lightly and, ater the dumper makes that decision, they harden themselves against being talked out of it. That's whey every effort the dumpee makes right after the breakup tends to fail spectacularly. I think the dumper has to feel like it's THEIR decision to take you back. That's why it only seems to happen after the dumpee has given up hope and moved on. Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 So I take it that, having left with dignity, respected her decision, responded to her various contact but not intiated and not brought up the BU at all when we have spoken, that now 4 months post BU if I gave into my huge temptation to contact her for that full 'closure' chat and asked her if she is seeing the friend she was away with before we broke up (I know the answer!) and sought answers to my unanswered questions, then that would be a terrible idea? I think so, yeah. I think it'd be OK to contact her but I would avoid talk of closure and all that. I think that might repel her Link to comment
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