He's just not that into me?

[star111]

I read the book, I know it's that simple. But god it's frustrating, how the heck do you find someone that is into you with all the competition out there- with the ease of online dating. I got the 'I'm not ready to start dating.' Which came a few days after the I'm not ready for a relationship. (After sleeping with him for the second time and telling him he was distant). Went on about 6 dates, really liked the guy. No games, no bs. I was doing things differently this time around. I never felt let down by him. He was consistent in asking me out. Then this. Was it because I asked him out the last ime...is it really only about the challenge and chase? I thought there comes a point where we mature past that. We are in our 30's.

He said he really did enjoy spending time with me, just needs to sort through things. Asked if can call when he's ready. What does that man- I've never heard something like that. Too nice, felt bad maybe? Thing is- he's still on the site we met. Which makes it clear-- he's just not that into me.

I'm bummed but I guess can see it for what it is. At least it didn't get further.

I can't get my mind off the disappointment though. How am I ever supposed to get a guy that's 'into me' if I don't see the signs that he's not. Will it always be hard to be 'the girl' since there is so many others out there. Maybe other girls act differently and it reels guys in? I don't know anymore. I'm confused.

It's rare I like a guy- how the heck do I keep someone around in the future? I was myself, I'm not a bad catch. Are we supposed to ask up front what type of person they are usually into, what kind of girls they date?

Dating feels nearly impossible.

[laura40]

This man was ready for sex but not for a relationship or even dating. Sounds like a man after just one thing.

 

Don't wait around for him either - yes I know he said he'll call when he's ready but when will that be? 3 months down the line? 10 years? Who knows.

 

I know it's hard but you have to move on.

[OrangeMoon]

So recognizable...its been my continuous experience..

 

I have practically given up on the whole thing myself. Its too hard to trust guys with my body, mind and spirit. I think there's something in the water that has been producing men with some sort of malfunction in the brain and heart ;-).

 

I wish i could help you..that book and many others are filling my storageboxes right now. To love is to take risks I guess. But in every conditioning..when a mouse or a dog or whatever gets his loads of shocks to endure when choosing a certain path..they go the other way. So all of that risktaking isnt helping much.

 

I am at a point that I dont feel like dating at all... I'm enjoying me. Go to the movie by yourself, have a coffee in a cafe, visit your friends..just enjoy you. It sounds sad..and it kinda is. But that's the reality anyway. Because the other reality of having to choose to become someone's temporary concubine, is not the future I am looking forward to. Because in essence that is what this whole fakery or 'smells like a FWB-situation' is anyway.

 

Guys..talk to your fellow palls..end the hate against women, women talk to your son's, what can you do to raise confident and respectful men. And women who are still enjoying the love of a man in a relationship. No matter if your relationship is heading towards the end, have some diginity in the way you carry yourself in the relationship..there is no need to leave a man behind destroyed or full of hate for the next one..

 

A little selfreflection is always good..so never forget to also investigate if you simply are attracted to a certain group of men who are simply wounded in their souls. They look confident,sexy and all that. But in essence are just a bunch of hurt walking around. Maybe its just about developing that inner radar..or listening to it. Because my guess is that radar went off many times, but you chose not to listen..for the fear of missing out..or 'the chance of love'..

 

That good ole' fear will get you everytime..

[DylanNotorious]

You make men sound like they have all these problems when in reality - this guy just wasn't into the OP. Nothing more, nothing less.

[OrangeMoon]

You make men sound like they have all these problems when in reality - this guy just wasn't into the OP. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I am most likely overreacting some..but was feeling the passion of that moment LOL. ;-).. But its still how I feel about the whole thing. They are the glasses I look through..she doesnt have to put them on ..

[shotinthedark]

Hmm... it can be frustrating for both sides. My good friend has his own place, a great career, good looking, funny guy.... but he just keeps getting women that want to fool around and aren't serious about a commitment.

 

Myself, I've ran into a few of these girls as well. I'd definitely prefer a relationship over the casual hook-ups.... but it is what it is lately.

 

There's people on both sides looking for the same thing.... and different things. The joys of dating....

[Ms Darcy]

It's rare I like a guy.

 

I think that little phrase is the problem. I suspect that many of the women who complain - and I say this with kindness - about competition and men not being interested in the long-run aren't actually interested in the guys who would make great partners.

 

Look at who you are passing up. They might be a gem in disguise.

[LoveLovelove10]

Set yourself rules and don't break them...I've been doing the online dating thing for a year now and have learned quite a bit. I feel as though I've saved myself a lot of heart ache by setting rules and sticking to them.

 

1. Never call the man at least for the first month, NEVER. Unless it's to return his missed call. Only feel comfortable to call him after you've been in a committed relationship for a little bit.

 

2. Set yourself a date limit of sex...mine was I had to go on at least 6 MEANINGFUL dates before even making out "hot and heavy" and even sometimes that didn't turn into anything. I didn't go to their house until the 4-5th date and when asked to stay over, I declined using the excuse I had plans in the morning as not to offend.

 

Long story short, keeping to my rules and there has only been ONE man that made it that far.

 

Basically, he liked me enough to stick around and it became clear he was interestd in ME, and spending time with me because he enjoyed my company, not just what I had to offer him.

 

I'm not saying play a game, but men want someone that's strong and indepedent while feminine and innocent and at some point will need/want them equally, but in the early stages of dating, its too early to "need" them. You have to be independent. You wouldn't want someone clamoring all over you either. You might assume he's like that for everyone and doubt his feelings because he came on too strong before he got to know YOU...so that makes you doubt his integrity. You see what I'm saying?

 

Demand respect not by being a b*tch, but by knowing what you want and being in control of your emotions and actions. Love yourself, have fun and don't set expectations until a couple months in and the man has proved through his actions that he is truly interested and worthy of your love, devotion and body.

 

I wouldn't call this guy again. He may really like you, but maybe he met someone else and he's trying to weigh his feelings? Don't be offended he's still on that site, you are too right? Men usually speak through actions more than words. Look at his actions. If he calls you again to make plans in the future, if it's last minute, I'd make the excuse you had plans in a nice way. "Oh I'm so sorry! I'd like that but I already made plans with a girlfriend" I'd make him plan with you at least 3 days to a week ahead of time. SHOW him you're worth something, demand respect through loving yourself. Same thing goes for any man in the future. Also, trust me....everytime I thought I'd met someone and I wouldn't meet someone else like him, I did...

[OrangeMoon]

Loved your post

[Batya33]

What struck me is that you expect that just because someone asks you out on 6 dates he is into you for the long term? Yes, dating requires a thick skin and I think you have to adjust your expectations. I dated for over 2 decades, until about 6 years ago and my expectations were that if we were not yet exclusive each date could be our last (not in a cynical way of thinking, in a realistic way) and that if he asked me out on dates I assumed he was into me enough to ask me out on the date we were then on, but who knew, unless he asked me out again, whether there would be another one? I just had a good time on the date. I generally did not date someone longer than 2-3 months without being exclusive and I did not have sex until we were exclusive, in love and with strong potential for marriage (with one exception and I regret that decision even though we were exclusive). What worked for me was to let him do most of the calling/asking in the earlier stages of dating. I tended to date what I guess would be called "traditional" men but my many many women friends had the same experiences- even though we were all very capable of asking men out and most of us did at one time or another (I sure did) at least when the man was first getting to know us it often sabotaged things if we took on the "man's" role. Hope this helps and good luck!

[Madison12]

Meh - I never really had any hard or fast "rules" other than to remain receptive to a man's advances, and it it only felt natural to let him do the pursuing in the beginning. And I wound up with a pretty awesome dude.

 

Lovelovelove10 is this the same guy who says he's too busy to make you his girlfriend?

[LoveLovelove10]

Well said!!!

[LoveLovelove10]

Meh - I never really had any hard or fast "rules" other than to remain receptive to a man's advances, and it it only felt natural to let him do the pursuing in the beginning. And I wound up with a pretty awesome dude.

 

Lovelovelove10 is this the same guy who says he's too busy to make you his girlfriend?

 

We're exclusive now and I really must have given the wrong impression by my original response. He never said he was too busy for me, ever. He said he had a lot on his plate but he wanted to make time for me, called me everyday, etc...he just has a lot going on and I was wondering how long should I wait? Most people said 2 weeks which I felt wasn't long enough, but I'd decided on another month and he asked me before my time limit so all is well. I worried for nothing.

[LoveLovelove10]

Meh - I never really had any hard or fast "rules" other than to remain receptive to a man's advances, and it it only felt natural to let him do the pursuing in the beginning. And I wound up with a pretty awesome dude.

 

Lovelovelove10 is this the same guy who says he's too busy to make you his girlfriend?

 

I agree, but online dating can be a little different and I feel it is really important to set standards and rules for yourself. A lot of people go on there just to hook up and may seem completely nice but aren't. I've seen it happen a lot. Hell, I've seen it happen even after someone waited a couple dates. Men will just lead you on and you really have to read through the crap and yes be receptive by not going in blind or like the previous member said, expecting too much too soon just because they ask you on another date.

[Batya33]

I agree, but online dating can be a little different and I feel it is really important to set standards and rules for yourself. A lot of people go on there just to hook up and may seem completely nice but aren't. I've seen it happen a lot. Hell, I've seen it happen even after someone waited a couple dates. Men will just lead you on and you really have to read through the crap and yes be receptive by not going in blind or like the previous member said, expecting too much too soon just because they ask you on another date.

 

I saw no difference just because I met the person through an on line site as opposed to on a blind date or through a friend - many people go to bars just to hook up, too - you just have to use the same kind of "screening" you would do if you met a person in real life and didn't have mutual friends. I was never led on and I met about 100 men in person through dating sites.

[LoveLovelove10]

I saw no difference just because I met the person through an on line site as opposed to on a blind date or through a friend - many people go to bars just to hook up, too - you just have to use the same kind of "screening" you would do if you met a person in real life and didn't have mutual friends. I was never led on and I met about 100 men in person through dating sites.

 

Well basically thats what I meant, no matter which way you spin it or how you meet someone, it's important to have standards. However, with online dating, I have noticed a difference. You are meeting someone based on their profile, not by initial chemistry in person. Same rules apply, but it does feel different. If it's a blind date, your friend "filtered" them first or whoever. In any scenario where there are absolutely no strings attached and especially when the person lives a good distance away, I feel it might be slightly easier for another person to hurt someone and not feel guilty/not take things as seriously because they will probably never run into them or have any mutal job/friend/town connection. For men, it seems easier to handle situations where they hooked up with someone and it didn't work out soon after because they don't get as emotionally attached through sex as women do. You can argue this for individuals but mostly all the women I know, this is true for so we just have to be more careful and like you said, screen better.

[Batya33]

I see no difference between what you know about the person you meet at a bar. I hear you about in person chemistry but the first meet is just to see if there should be a first date.

[jonny15]

Sure sounds like a game.

 

Or atleast being lazy.