I feel so awful about a messy situation : (

[curious987]

Well a few night ago...my bf and I went to a party with some of our mutual friends. Afterwards, we went out to a nightclub. My bf has often said he doesn't like going to nightclubs, but he was alright with going because I wanted to, and we'd organised a way home together.

 

Anyway, my boyfriend is very against cheating, and I know this, because of his parents. We had all been drinking, and I was suspecting he was very drunk, just by the way he was looking.

 

Anyway, one of his mates came and found me during our time at the nightclub, and said that there were a group of girls around my bf, and there was one particular blonde girl that was majorly flirting with him. I said 'Show me', so he took me to a place where I could just catch a glimpse, and I just saw them talking. But I flipped out

 

I went over to him and basically said, in a moment of anger and jealousy, 'If you're going to sit here and flirt with these girls then I'll go find some boys to flirt with. It's really no problem!' - but I said it in a very aggressive manner.

 

He ran after me, saying he doesn't know what he did, and that he didn't do anything wrong, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, he was just talking to them, and that he thought I knew him better than to think anything like that. And to do be honest...I do. I don't know what came over me.

 

Anyway, after he found out that this guy had told him about what he 'thought' he saw...my bf punched him! And got so defensive, saying he loved me and everything. My bf kept trying to come and talk to me, but I kept pushing him away and yelling at him. I have never seen him be physical with anyone. He isn't that kind of person either.

 

Once I got closer, and saw who these girls were, I realised they were just friends from school that we both knew...and my bf hadn't done anything. He was just talking to them. But because of what this guy said to me, I just couldn't control myself. I have NEVER done anything like this before in my life. I feel like a monster.

 

Since then, my bf and I have discussed this, and we have sorted it all out. He said he thinks of nobody in 'that way' except for me, and he loves me, he was just talking to them. I believe him. I just can't get past this feeling of guilt! How could I trust the words of someone I hardly knew over my own bf?!

 

My bf talked to the other guy about it last night, and showed me what was said. The other guy eventually admitted me was wrong and had made a mistake. And I think that if my bf was guilty of it, he wouldn't have had a conversation with the guy about it last night, and he wouldn't have been so upset after I went up to him. And I feel so stupid because I know who the girls were! And they were harmless.

 

Do you all think I reacted too much? Or do you think it was reasonable? I need some outside perspective.

[DN]

Yes, you way over-reacted. Learn from this experience and don't do it again.

[curious987]

Uh, I won't be, thats for sure! He must be feeling like I don't, or never have trusted him

[lostinthecloud]

Obviously you said you feel like your over reacted. Maybe that was because you had been drinking? Maybe because that guy told you what he saw and you assumed the worst due to the atmosphere you were in. Many factors come into play. If you talked with your boyfriend about it, I don't think there is any use thinking about how you responded. The feelings of guilt will eventually pass.

[BrianH46]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Jealousy isn't a bad thing so long as it is fleeting and doesn't consume the relationship and I might be an idiot for saying this but if I was your bf I'd get a huge ego boost from this. He'd punch a guy out and found out that his gf would be jealous had he flirted with other girls.

[Batya33]

I agree and I would take from this that perhaps getting drunk isn't a good idea. Can you enjoy yourself and simply have one drink or whatever you can have that won't get you drunk?

[curious987]

Yep. Because the thing is....if I had walked down there and seen him talking to this girl, I wouldn't have cared. I'm generally not a jealous person. I encourage him to go out with his friends, and have never tried to set and boundaries for him. I think that that can kill a relationship. It was only because of the idea that had been put in my head, that I felt like it'd already happened.

 

But once this guy can come looking for me, just to tell me, in my mind, I probably thought of the worst case scenario. It felt like he had already cheated! I think it was the alcohol. I don't normally drink...maybe once every few months? I'm angry at the guy for putting thoughts into my head. I was having a good night!

 

My boyfriend says he understands how I reacted, judging by what the guy was saying to me. But my bf says he basically isn't interested in being friends with the other guy anymore, as he caused unecessary strain on our relationship.

 

Another reason I may be feeling overly bad is because my bf and I have never argued. Well not really. Nothing like this. So its the first time we've had to deal with a conflict situation.

 

I just HATE looking like one of those girls who gets jealous and controlling! We have both agreed to forget about it...when secretely...I can't. He forgives me, but I just don't know whether I can forgive myself!

 

I guess I'll get over it eventually.....

[lavenderdove]

First off, your BF sounds very mature and like he's a good guy.

 

So remember that in future.

 

Nightclubs + too much to drink + interfering drama queen guy friend = total disaster. That is all that happened, and there is no reason you can't just learn from this and put it behind you.

 

And honestly, any mature person would know that your BF could have a million scintilatting girls around him, and if he doesn't want to cheat he won't. Women are 50% of the human race so he can't avoid them all and there are many pretty girls out there, but if your BF is in love with you, it won't make one lick of difference what they do. so if you keep your own relationship with him strong and happy and he feels the same way about you as you do him, there won't be a problem no matter who he talks to.

 

And if he is unhappy in the relationship and/or a shallow person who is self indulgent, then even a really unattractive girl whom he met at the library might tempt him to cheat... It's about what's inside HIM that matters, not that there are attractive women in this world.

 

I know that when I'm in love, i'm just not interested in pursuing others for sex or a relationship. If he's that type of person himself, there will never be a problem.

 

So what you need ot do is learn from this and recognize that you can't 'police' him or keep him from never having contact with other pretty women. That's just life. What you can do is make sure your relationship is strong and that you get along and have enough fun and happiness together that he won't go looking for someone new.

 

How do you handle it? Just tell him sorry, you were a drunken idiot at the time and that supposed 'friend' made it sound like you were about to go off with one of those girls and you overreacted and won't do it again. And mean it!

 

And you might do well to stay out of nightclubs if you're in a relationship... there are so many ridiculous jealous brawls that happen between couples (and other people) in the drunken and sexually charged atmosphere of nightclubs... why risk a good relationship over that!