playstheblues Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Hi all, Just wanted your advice on something.... this question is probably not for people whose relationship ended with cheating or something similar.. When did you get back together or decide that you wanted to get back together? Was it a lightbulb moment or did it play in the back of your mind for a long time before you acted on it? Did you act straight after the breakup when you were feeling miserable or did you wait until you started to feel better/healed and then decide that the relationship was worth another shot? Did you know for sure that you wanted to get back together or were you a bit confused about it prior to that time? Or alternatively when you started to feel better, did you forget about your ex and just move on? Link to comment
Mellie Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I've had a couple of breakup/makeups and I've had a... I don't know... would a breakup of 6 months be considered a reconcilliation? None of those times I moved on in the interim, which in the 6 month case was pretty unhealthy for me. I just waited for them to come back (I was the dumpee in those). Those I've broken up with I've never looked back (one of whom was the guy who came back after 6 months). By the time I broke up, I'd known for months, years even in one case, that was what I had to do. No cheating involved in any of them (so far as I'm aware). My advice would be, unless it's a breakup/makeup (i.e. resolved pretty quickly)... move on. I'm not saying jump into bed with someone new the day after - I mean mentally, start mapping out a future with you alone in mind and get excited about it. Could (and most likely will) be that future will bring someone new into your life and one day you'll wonder what all the fuss was about with your ex. Could be that your paths cross again, but this way, you'll be in a much healthier place to enter into a fresh relationship with that person rather than hanging onto all the resentment and anxiety from being abandoned and dragging that all into the relationship with you. Link to comment
Awoken Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Technically I wouldn't say I'm a dumper. But I have set things up in relationships were I have an "out". So when they did end no one really got 'hurt'. I have managed to stay civil with most of my ex's, and one recently was keen to hook up again after 5 years. So I guess time does change things for some...But I'm glad I didn't got back there. Link to comment
bourneid Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I've never dumped anyone, been dumped 3 times and had one mutual break up. In my experience, the dumper has come back to me shortly after there last relationship has ended, usually because they are looking for comfort themselves and going back to your ex is the easiest way to deal with the pain of a breakup. In my experience (30yrs old), almost 99% of the time ex's get back together is when one of the party has come out of a relationship recently, they mostly do not last as they are just a classic case of a rebound but with your ex. Its human nature Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 As a dumper, I didn't decided to get back, but I started thinking of it at some point. We had NC for a couple of months, then he initiated some contact, we had a short casual meeting. At the second meeting, a couple of weeks after the first one, he said he wanted to try again. I agreed because I thought that he understood me and for the first time he thinks about my needs and priorities, too. (we broke up because he wanted to move to another country, and wanted me to follow him immediately, when I said that I can't do that right now, I had a year to finish studies, we could be in a LDR for some months). We started dating again, it lasted about a couple of weeks, time period he was in my country, but when it was time to leave again, he started the same things. So we broke up for good. At that point when he broke NC, I had missed him, (I believe if he hadn't contacted me at all, I would have forgotten all about him and moved on), and I wanted to give a second chance. He seemed to want that,too, but finally he didn't change his mind, I didn't change either, so it didn't work. Link to comment
resilient7 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Mellie why would you never go back to anyone of your ex's,what has you so determined to never look back and rule them out. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 As a dumpee, they usually always come back. From what those dumpers told me it wasn't a lightbulb moment, more like: low level regret after breaking up-> missing me -> lots of regret and "what did i do?"->should i contact her? -> contacting me. But I've never been dumped for being an awful gf or anything major or anything that would compromise their trust for me. As a dumper, I've never ever gone back. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 As a dumpee, they usually always come back. From what those dumpers told me it wasn't a lightbulb moment, more like: low level regret after breaking up-> missing me -> lots of regret and "what did i do?"->should i contact her? -> contacting me. But I've never been dumped for being an awful gf or anything major or anything that would compromise their trust for me. As a dumper, I've never ever gone back. How long after break up did all this happen? I guess it is common to happen, but most of the times they don't get to the last stage, contact, so you never know what happened and what they were feeling... Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I'd say generally 1.5 months to 5 months after the breakup though one or two took longer. But it should be noted that I do pretty strict No Contact and cut them off entirely once I'm sure it's over. However, I usually stopped caring by the time they contacted so I declined their offers. Link to comment
Mellie Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Mellie why would you never go back to anyone of your ex's,what has you so determined to never look back and rule them out. Because I'm a people pleaser. I'm one of those people who goes with the flow and doesn't want to upset anyone's applecart. I hate confrontation and upsetting people. So for me to come to the conclusion that I can't go on anymore, something has to be really, really up with that relationship and I'll have thought it over a thousand times and tried to come up with a thousand different alternatives before I go through with breaking someone's heart. For me it is the absolute last option once all others have been exhausted. Link to comment
sada88 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I'll take the bait. Dumpee: Almost every guy (with the exception of my last ex and my one week bf), I had every guy come back wanting to try again but I never took them back on their offer. It is usually with a long period of NC (1+ years) with a lot of transformations such as in looks, ambition, and personality changes. It also helped that I treated every guy I dated like gold and never did anything horrible to them (well horrible enough for them to end it). Most of the time, I've been broken up with for being either too clingy or they wanted to see what else was out there. It is true with what they say, the best type of revenge is being happy and successful. Dumper: Every guy I ended things with (with the exception of my last ex), I have never gone back to them. Like Millie, I already thought long and hard about my decision to end it. It is also with a long period of maltreatment and/or he has done something truly heinous enough for me to end it with them. I would also like to note that sometimes, people don't make a mistake in ending if their former s.o did something bad enough for them to end it, such as abuse, too much lying, emotional manipulation, abuse, etc and not even a long period of NC and a lot of corrections can fix it. I dated a guy about maybe 3-4 years ago for a period of 5 months that put me through a lot of emotional blackmail. One day, he did something truly heinous (hacking into my friend's website because he has a vendetta against him and uploading nude porno pics of him and another guy) and I had to end it. He chose to threaten to commit suicide and actually goes through with it and his friends were emailing me hate-email. After the suicide, he chose to go NC. Two years later, I was with my last ex and my ex before that asked if we can be friends and we started talking again for a period of 6-8 months. He showed off all the changes and I was happy for him but still no desire to get back together. Anyway, my last ex ended it with me, (you can read my previous posts on this), and my former ex tried to get back together with me. I said no and all of the work that he did, fell apart. His anger issues, emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail was still there. Moral of this whole thing: if the problem they had with you is a personality issue and it is on the extreme side, it will take a very long time to fix and don't let one incident undo all the work you have done and even then it might not be enough for you two to get back together. If, however, they broke up with you due to boredom, clingliness, or wanting to see what else is out there and you've treated them like gold...go NC and make yourself even better is my only reply. There are a lot of really horrible people out there and eventually they'll learn that. So when they do come back, you will have the choice of either taking them back or saying, "Sweetie, I guess you weren't as smart as I thought you were" and kicking them to the curb. Link to comment
jinx08 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Hi all, Just wanted to add my 2cents. Ive only had a couple of serious relationships but one of those had a couple of break ups. In both of those splits i did all the usual chasing, begging, doing nice things etc. It was only after i went quiet and forced myself into NC (this was before i found this forum and learnt NC, it was just what i felt was right to do to make him miss me) that he would slowly start coming back and getting in contact. The first time i did this it only took a few weeks before he started contacting (after i was chasing for about 3 months) then we were back together a year before breaking up again and it took about 4 -5 months for him to slowly start coming back again (i was chasing for about 2 months this time) I remember i even went to see a psychic with a few friends for fun about 2months into NC who said we'd be back together and i thought she must definitely be a fake as theres no way hes coming back after i chased and now havent heard anything from him!! So even when you dont expect it, it can happen. Ive finally learnt that although the time they take to come back may differ the approach that always worked for me is NC. It was the hardest thing i ever did going silent but i got to the gym, bought new clothes, new hairstyle and improved myself. I also forced myself to get busy and go out alot with the girls, at the time i was doing this to try to forget him but i now look back and they were some of the best nights out and best day trips ive had! So to sum it up get out there and have fun, you only have one life enjoy it!! Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 For the break ups where I was the one doing the work, I think I only wanted them back when I saw myself becoming weak, but once I remembered who I was and what I wanted, I remembered why the relationship failed to work. Link to comment
lanaa Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 usually females don't look back,,male dumpers always come back from what i have seen on my friends,sisters situation.Dont know if my ex will come back though Link to comment
OneMic Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Well.. Come to think of it.. My history has always consisted of me breaking up with women. No wait.. there was one I got dumped.. but only after I got caught cheating (first and last time I ever did that.) As a Male dumper, majority of the ones I broke up with (with the exception of one atm), I never looked back on. This stemmed from my lack of interest, love isn't there, etc etc. Now.. the most recent one I broke up with (you can get some grasp of the LONG story here: ), It only took me about 2 days to realize I wanted her back. Noted.. I broke up with her twice and everything.. so I can see why she doesn't want to come back in fear of going through it a 3rd time. I guess for most when they can't find anyone.. or realize how stupid it was to make that decision.. well... I say it only takes about a week or so. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 So do you think it was the NC that finally caused them to want to come back? I'm concerned about NC - it sort of seems counter intuitive to me.... It could work, but then it could also help him to move on and forget me much more quickly - obviously - not wanting this to happen. Link to comment
jeepman41 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So do you think it was the NC that finally caused them to want to come back? I'm concerned about NC - it sort of seems counter intuitive to me.... It could work, but then it could also help him to move on and forget me much more quickly - obviously - not wanting this to happen. Don't use NC as a ploy to get your ex back. It's possible that they may never come back and you have to prepare yourself for that. NC is used to help you heal and be able to move on emotionally. As a side effect they may miss you and want to come back but that's something they have to decide on their own. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So do you think it was the NC that finally caused them to want to come back? I'm concerned about NC - it sort of seems counter intuitive to me.... It could work, but then it could also help him to move on and forget me much more quickly - obviously - not wanting this to happen. They come back because they want to - bottom line. If you go NC and they forget about you, that speaks volumes about your relationship. Do you really want someone who can just *poof!* forget you? I hope not. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Having been both Dumper and Dumpee I have never tried to go back in either case. If I dump someone it is for what I believe are good reasons, and I have thought it through. I may miss seeing them or having them around at times, but I'm never tempted to go back. As Dumpee, I figure if they don't want me that is a good enough reason to not go back. I've never taken anyone who dumped me back either. Not out of spite, but because all of the things that you missed and want back were there before you decided to dump me. If you had taken anytime to think it through beforehand you would have seen that. If it wasn't important enough for you to bother to think before you acted then, you probably won't in the future either. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 usually females don't look back,,male dumpers always come back from what i have seen on my friends,sisters situation.Dont know if my ex will come back though You always see statements like this pop up but the fact is that it isn't true. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the situation. Talk to Thor, I've had them come back flings too! Even one girl where I accidentally gave her another girl's belongings that were left at my house 'cus I thought they were hers. So.....that being said. People "decide" to get back together for alot of reasons. The people who "never" look back either have some pretty valid reasons or don't do it on principal. Anybody who leaves a relatonship because of abuse, lying, neglect etc. is alot less likely to never think about going back and no amount of NC can fix that. Unless it's alot of NC followed by intermittent casual interaction and resurgence of feelings which in itself is a rarity. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Having been both Dumper and Dumpee I have never tried to go back in either case. If I dump someone it is for what I believe are good reasons, and I have thought it through. I may miss seeing them or having them around at times, but I'm never tempted to go back. As Dumpee, I figure if they don't want me that is a good enough reason to not go back. I've never taken anyone who dumped me back either. Not out of spite, but because all of the things that you missed and want back were there before you decided to dump me. If you had taken anytime to think it through beforehand you would have seen that. If it wasn't important enough for you to bother to think before you acted then, you probably won't in the future either. I envy you. If only we could all have this mentality as it is the right one. However I do feel there are instances where an exception should be made. Mistakes do happen and pride can hinder something possibly great. GJ though Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I envy you. If only we could all have this mentality as it is the right one. However I do feel there are instances where an exception should be made. Mistakes do happen and pride can hinder something possibly great. GJ though Pride would keep me from chasing someone who didn't want me, but not never having taken a dumper back is less about pride and more about what it has revealed about them. I wouldn't say that under no circumstances would I ever take someone back, but they'd have to have a damn good reason. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 seconded^ keep on keepin on. and thats true I suppose after they dump you and all you find out afterwards our perspectives of them tend to be tarnished and they arent the brand new toy they once were Link to comment
playstheblues Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 bump to see if anyone else has any insight... Link to comment
Milsch Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I can quite imagine... Link to comment
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