ZenPhoenix Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Sorry, this is LONG…I've been reading here for a few days now, and the stories are so heartbreaking. Sometimes I feel like forgetting my own, in comparison, then the pain of what is happening rushes up again to find me. One minute I'll be fine, then another I'm in tears. I need a sounding board, need some ears to just listen, and maybe lend some thoughts… I’m a separated man, who has been in a LDR for over a year. The woman I’ve been seeing (I’ll call her Anna) met me online and we started a friendship borne out of mutual interests in philosophy, the environment, religion, and others. We found delight in each other company, and the friendship grew to the point where we finally revealed to each other that we had fallen in love. The relationship grew to the point where we knew we wanted to be together, despite the many hurdles doing so would entail. We've been "together" for a little over a year, and were planning to meet this December or next June, depending on finances. Most of our communication was through email, and of course Facebook, but there were many text messages, phone calls, and even good old fashioned letters. Sometimes it was difficult, as English is not her first language (though it's not really that bad, considering), and sometimes this, through miscommunication, led to arguments, through misunderstanding. Of course any couple will argue from time to time but, unfortunately, issues from her past seem to keep complicating things. Her ex used to be verbally, mentally and from what I gather, at times physically abusive. She is very sensitive to conflict, and will cry at the drop of a hat. Then she'll go silent for anywhere from a few hours to a few days, not responding to texts, email, etc. Part of this may also be cultural, as women do not have the same status in her country. I have so many times tried to reassure her that I am not like those other men, yet she gets upset over conflict so easily. And when we have argued, I am never name calling or disrespectful. The worst that’s happened is through miscommunication, the intent of our messages is not always clear. Like I said, English is not her first language. Anna is also a very happy-go-lucky gal, and on FB jokes around a lot. The other night, I took one of her wall comments as going too far (being jokey-flirty with a mutual friend). In hindsight, I see the innocence in it, but at the time, I overreacted, and went after her for not caring how it made me feel and that I thought it was disrespectful. I kept repeating that over and over, while she kept reassuring she loved me. I was like a dog on a bone, and then she abruptly told me that she has had enough tears and wants to break up. After work, I emailed her, reaffirming that I was committed to the relationship, that these miscommunications are things a couple must work through. I received a text from her later saying she would not be a good wife to me, and I deserved better. I reassured her I loved her as she is, and want our relationship to work. For a day, there was nothing from her, and I felt it may finally be over. I wanted closure, but as she will not respond to email, phone or text, I wrote a letter and posted it. It was a closure letter, apologizing for my part in the problem, and reassuring her I loved her. I left the door open to her. After posting it, I decided to go NC (of course that didn’t last long…) I later see her pop up on FB, and message her. Her response back to me was that we shouldn’t say anything to each other until we are both not upset. I take that as a positive, as at the time, it implied it might not be over. I send her a reply that I’m not upset, that I loved her and was sorry for my part in the argument. I also reiterated that I wanted us to work. It was pretty much what was in the letter, albeit much shorter. This morning, her reply was that it is she who accepts the blame for the misunderstanding, and that she has a fragile heart. She explains she is afraid of our arguments, as they remind her of when she was hurt by her exes. She goes on to say that she loves me but is afraid that she will come here and be hurt by me, as she’s been hurt before. Her message closes with, “I hope you could find someone better than me to seek your happiness life, don't worry about me...Perhaps you will say hello to me one day. I still loves you between this sadness.” Here’s the thing…I am never verbally abusive, condescending or ignorant. I avoid personal attacks, and strongly believe in using “I feel” language. (that’s one thing I learned from trying to save a failed marriage). Yet it’s just the act of ANY conflict that hurts her. And the closer the person, the worse she feels. Her decision to break up with me is borne of fear it seems, and I can’t get her to understand that it’s not my nature to treat people as she’d been treated before. My reply to her was that she has nothing to fear from me, that I will be more aware of her sensitivity, and that really, the root of our arguments has been (for the most part) more of miscommunication than any real disagreement. I closed with the statement that we can’t let the past imprison us, or prevent us from living our future. I assured her I loved her unconditionally, and want to continue our relationship. So, she has my last message, and there’s a letter that should be reaching her side of the world in a few weeks. I’m so afraid I can’t pull this one from the fire. In so many ways, the loss of this relationship is harder than that of my marriage (maybe because I had been mourning that loss for years prior to leaving). I can’t believe how much this hurts. I feel gutted, to my core. This woman and I share so much in common, and in so many ways compliments who I am. I have loved other women in my life, but NEVER with the depth and passion as I love Anna. I know you are only getting my side of the story, but can you see anything I've done wong, apart from what I freely admit? Is there something I should have done better, said, or not said? I know now I'm in a waiting mode, to see how she will reply to my last message. I don't want to drag this out into a situation where I'm begging, but at the same time, I want her to know under no uncertain terms that I love her deeply, will be more empathetic with respect to her past and how she responds, and that I still want to build a future with her. I should also perhaps suggest she explore the possibility of counselling, so she can get past this. Whether with me or someone else, this is getting in the way of her happiness and healthy relationships. Like I said, I knew she had an abusive ex, but I never knew that it would affect our relationship, given I'm not that way. God, this is a nightmare... Thanks for letting me vent, guys. I hope I can get some thoughts, guidance…anything as this all unfolds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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