The games people play

[Eocsor]

I was reading yet another guide on here today about how to get back together with your ex. I found myself actually agreeing with some of the points. Yup, ignore them, seem aloof, don't react to any news of a rebound, be nonchalent, yup, that seems like sound advice. And then I caught myself. I thought Really?? People want to play those games? Basically trying to trick or manipulate someone into being interested in them again.

 

And I thought sure, maybe they come back because, I don't know, you rejected them and they were curious or whatever, but is that the basis for starting up a relationship again. And if thats it, how the heck can it last.

 

I know, I know, I'm old, I'm grumpy, I've been called overly pessimistic(and those are some of the nicer comments) but shouldn't somone come back simply because they miss you and realise they have made a mistake WITHOUT any intervention from you?

 

If they don't want you, if they don't realise they miss you all on their own without any prodding by you, is that really a relationship that stands a chance and deserves to be pursued?

 

It's hard enough making a relationship work where two people are actually in love and running towards each other at full speed. How successful can a relationship be if one partner is running in the opposite direction because they don't totally love you and the only reason you caught them is you tricked them into slowing down.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is unless the person that dumped you comes back with hat in hand and tells you I love you, I missed you, I realise I want to try and make this work, what are you fighting for?

 

My guide to reconcile would be quite simple. Do nothing. Move on. And if they come back one day and knock on your door, take them in if you still feel the same.

[loulou37]

so NC it is then lol

 

loulou x

[utopie]

I agree. I don't like mind games. If they do really want you, if they really love you they will go back to you on their own. They know where to find you. In the meantime, NC is best for you. It helps YOU.

[Huntress0527]

I agree with you. I guess I could be called 'overly pessimistic' too but I call it being a realist and not living in la la land hoping and pining for your ex to come back. I don't know I just find people that scheme and try to find ways to get an ex back that dumped them to be pathetic and not having the self worth to say: 'you know what? yeah they dumped me but it's for the best because I deserve better.'

[zenmind]

I believe this is true. I also believe that most of us somehow try to avoid this simple conclusion by overanalizing and weighting chances, especialy right after BU.

There are no magic tricks...strategies...can't be; if you ever dumped someone in your life because you felt that you didn't belong there, could they succeded to get you back by using those tricks?

If they really want us and really love us they will find us...wouldn't we be able to find our ex 'es if we want to?

It's harsh to accept that, believe me, I am one of those who believes that she really was the one, that she is my soulmate and the Universe made a mistake by pulling us apart . But that's the truth.

[thejigsup]

When I have dumped someone there is no powere on earth that can get me back to them. I remember this when I am broken up with and just go on with my life. This has served me well. I never mope or wait around for someone to come back. I'm too busy living my life.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree with you 1000%. If people do get back together after a break up because some of these tactics were employed, the relationship isn't going to last anyhow, so just skip that step and go back to just being yourself and acting natural.

[CMS]

Not quite true. A lot of breakups are results from the loss of attraction, such as a man or woman become complacent in the relationship and stopped behaving like what caused their partner to be attracted to them in the first place. If thats the case, then those tactics works perfectly because they are designed to raise one's attraction value. Someone is attractive when he or she is in high demand, mysterious and intriguing. You can easily reignite that attraction spark by being attractive again, it may be game playing but guess what, life is a game, dating is a game, it is what it is.

[Eocsor]

Not quite true. A lot of breakups are results from the loss of attraction, such as a man or woman become complacent in the relationship and stopped behaving like what caused their partner to be attracted to them in the first place. If thats the case, then those tactics works perfectly because they are designed to raise one's attraction value. Someone is attractive when he or she is in high demand, mysterious and intriguing. You can easily reignite that attraction spark by being attractive again, it may be game playing but guess what, life is a game, dating is a game, it is what it is.

 

I'd dissagree. I don't think love is a game and if it's played as one it loses all meaning. And god help us if all it takes is becoming a bit complacent to lose someone because I'm telling you, in the course of a relationship that could last 50 or more years that happens. If you are really in love you work though it. If you're not, or if you're really that superficial it ends.

[CMS]

I guess I will agree to disagree with you. Love and willing to work on things is just not enough most of the time, sexual attraction is still a major player in keeping love going.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd dissagree. I don't think love is a game and if it's played as one it loses all meaning. And god help us if all it takes is becoming a bit complacent to lose someone because I'm telling you, in the course of a relationship that could last 50 or more years that happens. If you are really in love you work though it. If you're not, or if you're really that superficial it ends.

 

There you go - all very true. And I don't think it's really complacency - if you had to 'act' to attract your mate, then you loosen up and quit the act and be yourself and your mate bails, well you learned a lesson. Don't fake it. Don't pretend to be someone you're not to get into a relationship.

 

Speaking for myself, someone mysterious, intriguing, and in high demand is not attractive at all - that sounds like an absolutely exhausting person to be around and a relationship I would not enjoy at all. I like sincere, honest, and relaxed - quite the opposite.

[Eocsor]

I guess I will agree to disagree with you. Love and willing to work on things is just not enough most of the time, sexual attraction is still a major player in keeping love going.

 

It has to be much much more than that. Because I hate to tell you but we all end up looking like crap in the end. And if that is the main motivator for a relationship it's doomed from the start. Love and willingness to work on things should be the bedrock of a relationship. Sexual attraction fades in time. Not totally but it's not the same as time goes on.

[Sim54]

You are right, and anyone who is touting the idea that you can convince or manipulate your ex back by ignoring them or what ever is kidding themselves. Even if they do come back, it won't last.

The difference in doing nothing to try to win them back, and doing nothing because you've accepted the loss and moved on is really only about you. From the outside they look the same, but with one you stay stuck, hoping for a miracle, and not moving forward, and with the other you heal and move on. Of course, healing and moving on is the one thing that increases the chance of a reconciliation, but you can't do it to get them back. It's a catch 22, and the only way out is to accept the loss and move on. Then life can continue.

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with Eocsor.

 

Despite all of the "How To Get Your Ex Back" guides, which can be had for a dime a dozen, the simple truth is if they wanted to be with you, they would.

[mhowe]

As usual, Sim54 nails it. It might look the same from the outside, but then again, who cares. It is 100% different in terms of your own mindset and mental health.

[Sim54]

I agree with Eocsor.

 

Despite all of the "How To Get Your Ex Back" guides, which can be had for a dime a dozen, the simple truth is if they wanted to be with you, they would.

 

That's not totally true. People leave for lot's of reasons, and sometimes they leave even though they love you, because you have sunk so low that they have to protect themselves. They might want to be with you, but can see that it's healthier to be apart. Life's not black and white.

[Edmund Exley]

I agree with Eocsor.

 

Despite all of the "How To Get Your Ex Back" guides, which can be had for a dime a dozen, the simple truth is if they wanted to be with you, they would.

 

This should be the advice that is emailed to you when you confirm your ENA account! Its as true as it gets!!!

[Sim54]

As usual, Sim54 nails it. It might look the same from the outside, but then again, who cares. It is 100% different in terms of your own mindset and mental health.

 

Aw thanks! I wish I could live my own advice a little better though sometimes!

[DylanNotorious]

I agree with Eocsor.

 

Despite all of the "How To Get Your Ex Back" guides, which can be had for a dime a dozen, the simple truth is if they wanted to be with you, they would.

 

Oh so very true. If someone could figure out how to REALLY get your ex-back, someone would be a gazzillionaire by now lol

[Eocsor]

That's not totally true. People leave for lot's of reasons, and sometimes they leave even though they love you, because you have sunk so low that they have to protect themselves. They might want to be with you, but can see that it's healthier to be apart. Life's not black and white.

 

No lifes not black and white. And if your SO is abusive or a substance abuser or has totally given up on life then yes, that is a reason for somone to leave.

 

But in the majority of cases we aren't really talking about that. We're talking about someone who has lost interest in you for a myriad of other reasons. And I'd say it's those relationships I'm addressing here.

[Eocsor]

Aw thanks! I wish I could live my own advice a little better though sometimes!

 

Ain't that the truth for all of us

[Aqua066]

I agree with some of this but unfortunately these "games" that are being recommended are all done to help manipulate the Laws of Attraction in your favor. Think about it.

 

#1 Law of Attraction

 

People want what they can't have

 

If we give ourselves completely to the opposite sex they won't want us anymore because... they want what they can't have! Thats true! The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence; Food always looks better on someone else's plate. Its basic human nature.

 

# 2 Law of Attraction

 

Attraction is based on feelings not logic

 

We always think that by reasoning with an ex we can get them back by using logic. For example, "She should be with me because I'm a better looking guy than that guy". "Why doesn't she give me a second chance?"

 

This isn't how it works! Humans make decisions, especially involving risk based on how they feel about something. No amount of reasoning is ever going to help. It's only gonna push them further away...

 

# 3 Law of Attraction

 

The person who is least attracted holds all the cards

 

Again, its basic human nature... when you first meet someone, there is an unconsicious power struggle occurring. The person who cares the least about the relationship is the one 'in control'. The person who cares the least is the pursued and the person that cares the most is the pursuer (in most cases).

 

I'm sure you've all experienced this. This why NC and being non-challant is always being recommended. Now, knowing this, there is a strange thing that occurs in most relationships where the more interest the persuer displays the more the pursued pulls away. The harder the pursuer tries the more difficult the pursued becomes to obtain. Or, the less he or she values the relationship. Which brings me to the next one...

 

# 4 Law of Attraction

 

That which is obtained too easily holds little value

 

The higher price you pay for something the more value, in your mind, it holds. If you learned anything through the years of trial and error, setbacks and overcoming difficult obstacles in your life you will hold it in much higher esteem than someone who just overheard it in a conversation on a train.

 

Given this fact of human nature, you must keep in mind that if you "give yourself away" so to speak, like you are worthless, no one will value you! This is why it is preached on here if the ex comes sniffing around or comes back giving breadcrumbs to never make it easy for them. They have to earn you back! and with good reason, If you don't value yourself, why should anyone else?

 

Keep in mind that people don't want hand-outs. Not on the unconscious level anyway. Consciously people think they want everything to be easy but the truth is, we like to earn things and we only value those things that we earn.

 

Hope this makes sense. Like I said the advice given on these boards are to me a way for folks to turn the laws of attraction in their favor. I know it can be confused with game playing but it gives people a fighting chance to try to get their ex back... You can't argue with human nature can you... haha

 

 

Aqua

[Eocsor]

All I can say is that if you have to apply all that in order to get someone back you really didn't have that worthwhile a relationship to begin with.

[mhowe]

All I can say is that if you have to apply all that in order to get someone back you really didn't have that worthwhile a relationship to begin with.

 

I'm not buying that either. (meaning, yes agree w/ Eocsor --- not w/ the 4 laws) You can't "get someone back" === they either want to come back, or they don't. If they do, you can "negotiate" --- if they don't, nothing you do/don't do will make a difference. It's not that complicated.

[CMS]

then good luck finding someone by not attracting them to you in the first place. We all play games derived from the laws of attraction to enhance our attraction values, you just dont want to admit it.