How can I stop thinking about her? Please help...

[Moxy83]

I recently found out my girlfriend was speaking to, amd meeting up with guys behind my back. One recently stayed at her place and they spooned, made out and god knows what else.

 

Heres the thread of me finding out:

 

I broke it off straight away, and dont want to be with her ever again, but I cannot get her out of my head.

 

All I keep thinking about is her with this guy trying to figure out if I know who it might be. I keep thinking about her kissing him and holding him, looking up at him with her beautiful.blue eyes... She was my girl, and she told me she loved me right to the very end

 

How do I stop these thoughts? I havent eaten in almost 3 days, I wake in the middle of the night, start thinking about her and cant get back to sleep. My stomach feels like it has a massive hole in it and my chest feels liks its on fire.

 

Ive tried keeping busy and im stopping myself from contacting her, but im just so distraught, and lost.

 

Please help

[cjmcm]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can't help make the pain go away as I think only time can do that. However, in my experience I've found that what helps is to write a list of the 'bad' points- in this case it would fairly obviously be the cheating- and read it whenever you start to feel you miss her or want to contact her.

You just have to realise that you deserve better and she betrayed you- the pain of that won't go away instantly but the sooner you can accept that she's not worth it, the better. Sorry can't suggest more but stay positive and focus on believing you deserve someone who wouldn;t do that to you!

[eternalsunrise]

I'm sorry this garbage happened in your life. It's not fair, it really isn't.

It's a mind trip to think she was like a chameleon..she could tell you she loves you and then be spooning and lovin another guy too. It sucks that you had to come accross such a wicked person in your life. But you did. You have to get a grip on the reality of the world. There are crappy people in it. I wouldn't call you naive at all. This is not your fault. You did react and question as you should have. The right person for you won't leave you with so much skepticism...you won't need to question the right girl, because her behavior won't throw up red flags. If you can love such horrible person, imagine how much more you will love the right person who really loves you back. Save all of your love and energy for the right person. You haven't found her yet. There's no sense dwelling on some illusion...what's the point. The facts aren't gonna change. YOU need to change your perspective and thinking on the situation. Let it go.

[blueyes833]

The pain of betrayal is one of the worst. Especially from someone you least expected. It throws you so off balance and shakes you down to your very core. I did the same thing as you did. I walked away without even confronting him on it. As soon as I found out what I did I grabbed my things while he was asleep and left. For me its been almost 3 months. I am still struggling with the constant daily thoughts. Its become almost routine now. The thoughts are there a lot. I think about what hes doing now, who hes been with or if he is with someone, does he miss me or think of me, is he sorry for the pain he has caused me ??????i think about the whys and hows and so on.....

Its normal to feel the way you do. Even for me now a couple months later I am still struggling. I still randomly will wake up in the middle of the night and think about him...and just the thought of him puts a huge knot in my stomach and i still hold back tears.

 

I find that by not fighting the thoughts and feelings they will become less frequent and not so paralyzing. Just let the thoughts/feelings come and go and pay them no attention. Sometimes when I realise Im ruminating about my ex and what happened I will stop myself in mid "inner dialogue" and ask "How is this helping me? What is the purpose of this?" That helps to cut down on the thoughts. Or I will try to move on to something else like "what am I going to make for dinner?" anything simple to change the topic and set it aside for later. The more you fight something the more it will persist. Just accept that right now your hurting and you are in emotional pain but it is ok to be. Anyone that was hurt the way you were would feel the same as you. Time does heal. I am a lot better now than I was 2 months ago or even 2 weeks ago. It gets better, it just takes time to get there. In the mean time distract yourself with everything and anything you can. Maybe try using the "rubber band technique". snap it everytime you start thinking about your ex.

[gluestick]

Everything you're feeling right now is normal after a BU. For now, your mind is probably consumed by thoughts of her and it is extremely hard for you to focus on anything, but just keep yourself very busy. What helped me most was spending time with friends and family, just having someone to talk to, and also reading many, many threads on ENA, learning from other people's experiences. Also it's better to let yourself feel all the emotions. Don't hold back. If you feel like crying, then just let it all out. It'll make you feel better. Bottling up emotions will only come to haunt you later with more intensity. It will take some time before you start feeling better, but know that you are not alone.

[Moxy83]

I guess what hurts the most is that I gave up a lot to be with this girl, and put all of my energy into her, and no-one else for 6 months, only to find out she wasn't what I thought she was.

 

I spoke to her almost every day, saw her at least every few days over 6 months. We had many intimate conversations, she told me things about her she'd never told anyone before. It took a long time to break down her guard (she had been hurt in the past before), which is why I thought she was so special. Why I thought I was so special that she let her guard down for me. Then I find that she'll let it down for anyone, and all that time, and energy, and love I spent on her was for nothing.

 

I have been crying, about her, but more about everything else that I lost in the process of knowing her. I haven't cried for more than 5 years. And probably twice in 10 years. I have been in relationships before, and I know I'll be in one again, but I this girl, and everything else that was ruined by knowing her has just completely broken me. I'm 28, and I'm back at square one again, and don't know how to start.

 

I don't have many friends and I live in a different state to my family. The one place I can go is to see my two little girls and an ex girlfriend that I was with for 5+ years. I hurt her, but she is such a loving, beautiful person that she is happy to comfort me, and help me during this tough time. That in itself makes me break down and cry. Probably more than anything else.

 

I just feel so lost, so alone, and so stupid. I find it incredibly hard to let people in, I'm extremely shy and find it hard to connect with people. So when I connected with her, I thought I had met my soul mate, my angel... And she completely shattered my heart.

 

I've been trying to distract myself, and normally I'd be looking forward to going back to work, but she works there, so I'm going to have to see her and talk to her. And that's going to break me all over again. She looks so beautiful and perfect when she's working. She was everything I ever wanted in a partner, and I lost her. And I don't know why. She says she's never cheated on anyone before. For some reason, because of the way she is, I believe her. So it makes me question what's wrong with me.

 

She was physically attracted to me, the sex was good for both of us, I treated her very very well, always made time for her, did everything and anything for her. I don't know why she could then go and see a guy behind me back, meet up with him 2-3 times and then let him stay over in her bed, snuggle and make out, and whatever else the did (i find it extremely hard to believe that they didn't sleep together). She even sent me a text message the morning after saying she had a dream of me snuggling up against her, playing with her bum and taking advantage of her and that she wished I was there and it was real. Little did I know at the time that an actual guy was with her, snuggling up against her.

 

I'm just shell shocked.

[Moxy83]

Thank you so much Blueyes. What you described is exactly what I'm going through. I've been hurt once before (when a g/f of 5 years broke up with me), and it took me a few months to feel even slightly normal again. I'm just hoping it's not going to take that long this time. And this time I haven't just been cheated on, I've lost a lot of other things important to me that I gave up for this girl. So so stupid.

 

I'm so sick of feeling like there's a huge hole in my stomach. I have a massive headache, haven't eaten in days and just want to sleep, but can't.

 

And I'm going to have to see her again- we work together. That's one of the worst things. Not only can I not go NC, but seeing her will just reverse any progress I make in trying to get over all this. In saying that though, I most definitely hate her for what she did to me, and I don't ever want to get back with her. But she is just going to be a reminder of my stupidity and how she hurt me so badly. Unless one of us gets a new job (which she was planning on doing), then I don't know how long its going to take to stop thinking about what she did.

[eternalsunrise]

Try not to think too much about what going back to work and being around her will be like. Take it moment by moment. Day to day. Stay to your schedule, talk to who you need to talk to in order to get your job done at work. Go into major professional mode. Stay in your heart and head ...focus at work. Do the best job you can at work. Don't let this girl negatively influence your job. Ok?

 

My opinion is that even if she did not cheat on you, the relationship would have ended. You need to wrap your head around the fact that you weren't it for her. Tons of seemingly meaningful relationships last under a year. It's part of the process of dating. It's inevitable that some relationships take longer to get at the crux of whether or not you can have a future with that person. It sounds like she had her own baggage and you really thought there was a bond. It's over though. It didn't carry the meaning you thought it did. Gee how calculated that she texted you when they guy probably left her apartment. She has major issues Moxy. She's not this "goodie" girl that you wanna believe she is. She took advantage of what a solid guy you are. Don't feel stupid though. You are a great great guy and nothing is wrong with you. She is NOT what you thought she was.

 

Keep venting all you want. I know how it feels to go through something this devastating. Just make sure you keep reminding yourself to see things from a new perspective and don't be self-destructive about it either by saying what's wrong with you and stuff like that. Don't EVER talk about yourself poorly like that. That girl is whacked in the head. Not you.

[Moxy83]

Feeling much better about things this afternoon. I know I my emotions are all over the place, and I'll no doubt be back to where I was previously, but this afternoon/evening, I'm feeling much better about things. Out of sight, out of mind I guess?

 

She's still on my mind, but I've been able to sort something out elsewhere in my life that has made me feel better. As a result, when I think of this girl, all of a sudden, it doesn't completely crush me. I still get an ache in my stomach/chest, but all doesn't seem lost all of a sudden.

 

A friend contacted her today, and a part of her response was that she didn't feel sorry for me, and she was glad she did what she did. I'm still quite shocked as to how she can justify her actions based on how I got angry when I heard she cheated on me. Even then, I didn't yell, or get violent in anyway, just sent her a few nasty text messages, which, considering the situation, was pretty tame. She's just full of * * * * as far as I'm concerned. A real head case that's able to justify any action and cannot admit fault--- she had a hard upbringing, and I always thought it had never effected her, but I think I'm seeing some of the side effects now.

 

I just have to keep thinking about all the things that annoyed me about her- and I'll be fine.

 

I still don't know what the near future holds, but I'm glad I've made some sort of emotional progress today.

 

Bring it on...

[Moxy83]

Aftera week of starting to feel better about everything, i get a text message from her saying:

 

“I know you hate me and you don't want me to message you and you probably won't reply anyway, but i just want to see how you are and make sure you're OK

 

This is over a week since she told me she was glad she lied to and cheated on me because I got angry when I found out about it *rolls eyes*.

 

I think this message was sent because we are working together in 4 days and she doesn't want things to be all awkward. Thats my thinking anyway. She's never shown any sort of remorse or empathy regarding what she did to me and even told a friend that she didn't feel sorry for me. Crazy ha?

 

So what should I do? Should i just not respond? Or should I send a very quick and short message saying im fine? Or should I send a message sayinghow i really feel? That no amount of pretending to care is going to make me change the way i feel about her, it doesn't change what she did to me, nor how she acted with such apathy afterwards. Yes it is going to be awkward at work, and it always will be, so get over it and just accept that.

 

So far I haven't said anything.

[oasisrob22]

For now, don't respond. Let the anxiety pass of her texting you and just relax. Breathe.

 

You mentioned you guys are working together. Will you be interacting in a group, or will she just be there among dozens of other co-workers?

[Moxy83]

For now, don't respond. Let the anxiety pass of her texting you and just relax. Breathe.

 

You mentioned you guys are working together. Will you be interacting in a group, or will she just be there among dozens of other co-workers?

 

Yeah, we work together in a team of approx 10? We generally work on our own, but there will be times when we'll be sitting near each other, or be in the same space together relatively alone.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I have no intent on reconciling (I doubt that's her intent anyway), but I don't want to give her any sort of satisfaction either.

 

Unfortunately I already responded, saying "I'm fine, please don't contact me again". She then responded saying "Don't worry, I just wanted to make sure you were ok". ???

 

If she tries contacting me again, or tries to talk to me at work, I'm just going to ignore her.

[oasisrob22]

Sorry, wasn't sure if you were trying to reconcile or not.

 

I don't think you showed her any satisfaction with that text. Stating you're fine and to not contact you again is good enough. Shows her you're okay while reiterating that you don't want to open the lines of communication.

 

I think if she tries to start a conversation with you at work, be polite but very brief. If you guys work on your own, she shouldn't have any reason to talk to you. Just saying though, if she does, be short and to the point and keep it business-related. If she tries to bring up any other BS, simply say "This is not the environment" or "I'm trying to work" or something along those lines.

[Moxy83]

Sorry, wasn't sure if you were trying to reconcile or not.

 

That's ok

 

I don't think you showed her any satisfaction with that text. Stating you're fine and to not contact you again is good enough. Shows her you're okay while reiterating that you don't want to open the lines of communication.

 

Yeah, I didn't respond to her final txt saying she just wanted to see if I was ok. To be honest, I felt like replying with a simple "whatever", because I simply don't believe her. But there's no real point in talking to her like that. So I just didn't respond at all. And won't contact her again- I don't even have the urge to.

 

I think if she tries to start a conversation with you at work, be polite but very brief. If you guys work on your own, she shouldn't have any reason to talk to you. Just saying though, if she does, be short and to the point and keep it business-related. If she tries to bring up any other BS, simply say "This is not the environment" or "I'm trying to work" or something along those lines.

 

To be honest, I'd be extremely surprised if she tries to talk to me at work- I really think she's just trying to break the ice a bit before we see each other at work and things get all weird. But I'm not going to give her that satisfaction. It IS going to be weird, of course it is. She broke my heart, she lied to and cheated on me. She's just being selfish (as per usual) if she thinks a few kind words here and there are going to make it easier for her to be around me. I'm going to feel awkward no matter what, I can't help it, so why should she feel comfortable around me?

 

I won't say anything to her at all. If she asks me a question related to work, I'll be as blunt and brief as possible, so she gets the hint that she doesn't have the luxury of interacting with me anymore. If she tries to talk about our situation, I will definitely take your advice and tell her it's not appropriate to talk about it here. And even then, I have no interest in talking about it with her anywhere.

[No1]

So it was 6 months? I just wanted to get that right. If its 6months, then its less than a basketball season. I dont doubt that the feelings were strong or you didnt feel anything from this, but you have so many bright sides to look at.

1. she is a bad liar, she cheated and there is your absolution. Its done, you dont have to decode her movements, words, thoughts, emails, text messages, nothing. You know its done.

2. She chose this way of life. She loves the beginning of things and not the middle or end, she is going to move on to another guy soon enough as soon as the newness wears out.

3. you didnt marry the girl. didnt have kids, didnt buy a house together. So in reality there is nothing holding you tied to this woman. You are very lucky in that regard.

4. its one girl. there are TONS of women out there, the powers that may be moved her to make room for someone better for you.

5. It was better it happened now, and not a year or two down the road, 6 months is nothing, intense, okay, Ill give you that, but she has probably a history of fear or wanting only the new things, and she has probably never told things to many guys prior to you.

I would suggest, contrary to what others say, that you be civil to her. Im not saying seek her out, but dont just say "never contact me again" only makes it better for her. This way she can feel justified for what she did, makes you seem like an A-hole and she can feel good for moving onto someone else. Okay, I am also not saying talk to her and see how she is doing blah blah blah. Im saying if she says hi, just say Hi back, if she texts, just respond with something civil, but nothing she can reply to. Im not saying be her friend, worry about her, or care to what she is doing. Treat her as you would a complete stranger. That way, the tension between you simmers down a bit, you can feel a bit more at ease and more comfortable. Its more for you than it is for her. Be the bigger person, move forward, progress, forget her.

If she wants to talk about what happened, just say that there is nothing really to talk about, what is done is done, you are trying to move forward. If she tries to be friendly, be friendly but say you are busy, Im sorry, and let it be. Again, I know people will not agree with this, but if you are going to work with her, its going to kill you expending this energy to be so mean, rude, short and avoid her. Its your space too, if she invades it, politely excuse yourself. Dedicate your energy to something else other than her.

One more thing.. there is better. There is someone to make you happier, what you had was just two ships passing in the night, its all it was.

By the way.. you never lost her cause you never had her. I am guessing the love flowed in one direction. She never fully gave herself to you.

[Moxy83]

Thanks No1- I do feel much better not having to worry about what she's up to, where she is, whether she's telling the truth etc. etc. etc. It's a huge weight off my shoulders actually.

 

I barely find myself missing her like I thought I would, and I've moved on surprisingly well after those first few days of terrible emotional pain. It will be weird when I see her face to face at work, but to be honest, what I'll be thinking is that she's lost me. She's the one that's lost in all this. She lost someone that would have loved her completely. Now she has to go back out into the world and deal with all the idiot guys that are out there.

 

My situation was a very complicated one, but I had to go back to my ex partner for 2 weeks, and this girl was worried that I would fall back in love with my ex, and that I wouldn't come back. I honestly believe that she had these other guys hanging around as "backup" in case that happened. When I left, she couldn't help herself and hooked up with one of these guys.

 

Well now I'm coming back, I haven't gone back to my ex, and she's lost me. I do honestly believe that she loved me, that we had something special and that she blew it. Maybe she didn't love me as much as I did her, but I know she had something there for me. Otherwise, why would she have made all the moves, kissed me first, initiated sexual contact first, told me she loved me first... This girl was quite into me. Or she's a very good actor. I know she is a good liar, so I guess you never know. But I knew her for months before we became serious, and I know that she's not the kind of girl to go to and from different guys all the time. I might be wrong, but I generally trust my instincts- just like I thought something was up towards the end.

 

I will move on- I've already had a couple of girls show me interest already, and whilst it's probably not the most healthy thing to do, talking to these other girls certainly has helped me get over this one.

 

It's going to take me a long time to trust, and/or be ready for a relationship again. But I just hope that the right girl is out there for me somewhere. When I find her, she's going to be a lucky girl. I honestly believe I'm a great partner and someone out there will get to enjoy me

 

As for this girl, when I see her at work, I'm not going to proactively interact with her, but if she talks to me, I won't be obviously rude, or act upset or anything, I'll just answer her question. There won't be any flirting or attention from my end though. That's for sure. She lost the right to enjoy that.

[No1]

Good for you, yes someone is going to be lucky. Think of it like this, the other new guy now is going to have the same problems as you. Its just a matter of time before she moves on to the next dude.

And yes, just be civil. I now there is a part of you that just wants to say leave me the heck a lone!! but there is something in being the bigger person. To rise above and be polite, not overly polite, but to be human. she had her chance, she let you go, you are not second best, and the next person will see it. Smile and the world will smile with you my friend

[KYRiverGrl]

To respond or not to respond is your choice. If you respond, tell her you're doing well, and leave it at that. It would be a good idea not to respond any more though.