Do guys sometimes get spooked?

[Aurora11]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a little bit confused as to what happened, so I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation?

 

I'm in a long distance relationship with someone who I see once a month. He was the one who kept pushing for a relationship and was extremely serious very early on. He kept telling me that he wanted to be very serious and he thought that we could be together for a long time.

 

I then went on a trip for about a week and during that week, I tried to talk to him, but I didn't have much chances to. When I came home, i sensed things were different and I asked him if everything was okay. He quickly assured me that everything was fine. I asked if he was trying to break things off for some reason, but he said that was a ridiculous idea. However, the next day I barely heard from him and that evening, he suddenly called and said that he couldn't see the long distance working anymore.

 

I calmly listened to him and said that if that was what he wanted, I would respect his wishes, but that I was very confused and I wanted to know why he wanted out. He then told me that he couldn't keep up with my demands on his time and that he didn't know how long he would have to be away for and that he didn't want it to end up in a breakup and break both of our hearts since things were going well. I told him that I had NEVER made demands on his time and it was exhausting for me as well... I also told him that I knew I was heading into a long term long distance relationship and I was okay with that. After I told him these things, he suddenly did another 180 and told me that we were fine and that he wanted to resume the relationship.

 

What in the world happened? Did he just get spooked?

[Batya33]

I don't think it has to do with gender. I don't think you can get to know someone for purposes of a long term relationship by only seeing the person in person once a month. That's probably triggering his ambivalence/conflict. My husband and I were long distance for a few years before we married and even though we'd dated in the past and knew each other well -and flew to see each other about every 10-14 days -it still was really hard. I would continue to date him casually, once a month, until you live closer to each other if you feel you will also be open to meeting other people (and I wouldn't have sex with him during this time - too risky physically and as far as emotional attachment). I think he will get "spooked" again, soon, if you continue down the "serious" path given that he has no idea when he'll live closer to you. He also could have met someone else he was interested in -hard to tell.

[ToF]

Eek, this is a tough one. Sorry to hear this happened.

 

I do think that anyone can get 'spooked', under the right circumstances. For some, long-distance is no big deal, but obviously it's a daunting notion for others. To me it sounds like he's not going to be a very dependable boyfriend. It appears that he experiences mood swings, and that these swings can happen in the blink of an eye. This is hard enough to handle in a "regular" relationship (not long distance), let alone in a long-distance situation.

 

Whether or not he is spooked, I do think he's showing you what kind of boyfriend he is going to be. If you decide to continue this relationship, do not let this situation pass without learning something from it. Be aware that he is probably not going to be the most stable of partners, thus your relationship will not be the most stable of relationships. It's up to you to decide whether this is something you're up for.

 

It sounds like you guys haven't been dating for very long, am I correct? That makes the distance much harder, I think. When couples are together for a long time before being forced into long-distance due to jobs, school, etc; they already have their relationship established. They are strong, they have weathered some hard times together, and they are more confident in one another as well as in the bond they share. In cases like yours, when the relationship starts off long distance, you are essentially trying to get to know someone (as a partner) by seeing them once a month. Personally, I don't think that bodes well for a strong relationship. But that's me. Some people function much better under those circumstances.

 

I guess you just have some decisions to make. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful in some way.

[Moneypenny]

Aurora 11, I'm not sure if this will help you or not, since you haven't given much away in terms of your relationship. I've been in my LDR for 18 months or so. Although we had known eachother as friends previously many years back, we have been in a LDR from the start of our romantic relationship. .

 

5 – 8 months into our 'heady' relationship, I sensed my OP starting to pull back. The 'honeymoon' phase ended far more quickly for him than it did me. Up until then, it had been really full-on, and in hindsight now, I can see that that is what happened - I just wasn't prepared for it, and I was left feeling very confused and hurt. I was also VERY naïve, and I have learned a lot since then, which will be a year ago now.

 

The way I understand it now, is that being so full-on in the first few months is completely exhausting, both mentally and physically. There comes a time when things have to slow down and both parties have to to take stock of where/who they are within the relationship, not just as a couple, but as individuals. This is particularly difficult in an LDR situation, since so much depends on consistent and regular written/telephone communication, and effort; and when that starts to dwindle, you're left questioning what there is that you can do beyond that.

 

The truth is, any type of relationship is organic, and you have to move with it. If you don't, you will run into conflict sooner or later.

 

Sometimes, it is as black and white as one party being no longer interested; often, it is just the inability of one person to effectively communicate that he/she needs some mental space, without the other party going into trauma; I.e getting clingy, or asking for explanations as to the sudden behaviour change, which makes them pull back further.

 

When your guy says that you're being demanding, perhaps all he is experiencing is his cooling off stage, and he's seeing you as still galloping red hot on the trail of West Side Story.

 

My only suggestion would be that you cut back a little, and give yourselves both a little space in which to reflect, and give some time to miss and appreciate eachother more. That's the hard bit!

 

As I said, you haven't given much away, and this is just my take based on my own experience. I apologise if I'm completely off-mark!

[sadchick83]

I think maybe that weeklong trip you went on freaked him out. You have no idea what was going on in his head, but maybe it was so bad that he would rather not be in a relationship at all than deal with the turmoil. And, sounds like the turmoil is in his head.

 

So, you get back and he test the waters. You calmly tell him that you respect his wishes..he then pulled the "time" issue out of nowhere and made it look like it was all your fault.

 

I have a feeling this guy is both insecure and has an active imagination (not a good mix). Instead of him saying you didn't like that he ignored you for a week, he tried to manipulate the situation only to find out you would let him go. You called his bluff, bait and switch, whatever.

 

Once a month is fine in my opinion if you are both busy, and do other thing in between. Unfortunately this guy is more insecure than spooked and not sure the best way yo deal with it....You did well BTW, by not overreacting!