Infidelity

[Miranona]

I have been dating a guy for about 7 months and thought this was leading to soemthing meaningful.

I always thought he had felt the same, we've definetly had fights within this time frame but always seemed to come to a positive discussion and a way to move forward.

 

This past weekend, I found out that he had been in contact with an ex, that had dumped him 2 years ago. I knew from the start that she had hurt him tremendously, but had reassured me in the past that she was "sour milk." The texts were explicit and I had called him out on it.

He was shocked that I found out, told me that she had apparently saw us at a restuarant one night, got back in touch and told him how upset she was. She had been getting back in touch with him, had explicit texts messages, and now wants to know if they can hang out as "friends He apparently said he wanted to let her down easy and said he has been overwhelmed with what has been going between them and will get back to her in a couple of weeks. Besides the texting, apparently nothing physical has happened.

 

I was distraught, left his apartment, making sure none of my belongings were left, I gave back his key. He told me that he was stupid to have done this, and didnt thikn it would ever got to me, because he wanted control over the situation and wanted to make sure she doesnt contact me.

He said he was caught up in the moment (3 weeks this has been going on) and was not a result of how things are going in our relationship. He told me he didnt think anything of this, and that he regrets it. He said he cares about her and loves her because they had history, but not romantically and said he does not want to be with her. He said he loves me and wants to be with me.

Understands that I may not forgive him, but is hping somehow I will.

He said he was not sorry because he got caught but, sorry that it hurt me, and he truly dearly wants to be with me.

 

I told him i needed some time to think, a part of me wants to believe him and wants to believe this relationship to work, and would be a waste to see it not grow into its potential. But I also am devastated, embarrassed about this.

He has been contacting me (hours later) saying he feels dissapointed in himself, never meant to hurt me. He said he was not interested in doing anything other than waiting for me to speak to him.

I responded with "until he gets his closure with his ex (which he said he got while we were discussing the incident, that it was not worth losing me over), ready to close this chapter with him, that I will not be open to communication with him"

 

He said hes starting to realize from hindsight and words I said that he was headed on the same path, which he has been before with his ex. He wishes it didnt talke all his stuipidity for him to remember that. He says he knows that I need some time, but hopes that if we have a glimmer of chance, time wont do damage, and that I dont rush into something else.

 

I still reiterated to him that until he has his closure with his ex, he ends it with her, and is ready to move forward from her, to stop contacting me.

 

This is entirely fresh to me, and he reassured me time and time again that he was not looking for anything else while in a relationship with me, and that he wants to be with me.

I am dreadfully afraid that he may end up with her, but hoping reassurance from all you guys, that I did the right thing.

[DylanNotorious]

It only takes one text or one phone call to let her down gently. This has been going on for 3 weeks - and now is only stopping because you found out.

[Miranona]

I totally agree - in fact he said it meant nothing, and he started thinking because she had wanted to see if they could hang out as 'friends' and apparently he was like, i think its inappropriate and that he was going back to her in a couple of weeks. This happened last week (last time he spoke to her).

I dont defend him, in fact, he shouldve known frm the start.

[happyfrank]

I think you rushed things. He must be great guy if his ex still wants him. He just received text and responded. Don't see how he cheated. He brushed her off for you yet you released him. If he ran back to his ex is because you let him.

[Miranona]

No - there was explicit text messages between them back and forth, and apparently they also had phone sex. Clearly if she wants to "meet up as friends" he was leading her on.

I think thats unacceptable.

[guynextdoor]

Was the text elicit between the 2 of them or just on her behalf? Were you snooping?

[RedDress]

What does "explicit" mean to you? Was it sexting?

 

If it was sexting or saying things like "I love you" - then he is a snake and I wouldn't take him back ever. As someone else says, it takes one text to say "No - I have a girlfriend"... not three weeks. I don't think he's sorry and I think he'd do it again. Count your blessings that you found out now.

 

If it was just texts saying "What have you been up to?" and "Hey! We should catch up over drinks as friends". I think you are overreacting and leaving him to let him "get closure" that he wasn't asking for was a mistake.

 

It really depends on the content of the text messages.

[happyfrank]

You did the right thing Miranona. I thought ex was the only one being forward. You deserve better! I would of done the same thing.

[Miranona]

I am so afraid that he is going to be with her. Very big bruise to my ego

[happyfrank]

I am so afraid that he is going to be with her. Very big bruise to my ego

 

you don't deserve anybody crumbs. They were already together mentally since they were having phone sex. Move on!

[HeartGoesOn]

He said he was not sorry because he got caught but, sorry that it hurt me, and he truly dearly wants to be with me.

 

If he wasn't sorry about getting caught, why did this go on for three weeks? He had the choice of not participating, yet instead decided to take that risk, which surely would have continued had you not found out.

 

I'm sure you're devastated, but you have to see this for what it is, rather than what he's trying to paint a picture of.

 

All the best...

[swampyankee]

Ok, so she dumped him, but saw him at a restaurant with his new girlfriend (you) and now wants to be back in touch. Sounds like she is a jealous, possessive type that just can't bear the thought of her old beau moving on.

 

It happens. But it's all in how he handles the situation. So far it sounds like he's tried to "handle it" without involving you. After less than a year in a relationship there will be issues from the past that will come up, on both sides. Only you can be the judge of whether he's sincere and is truly done with his past relationships.

 

Don't overreact and don't take these things too seriously. You're much too young and too soon into this relationship for that.

[Miranona]

Thanks swampy yankee, thats been the best advice so far. Unfortunetly, they broke up in 2009, which was about a year and a half before he met me. That alone should have run its course.

I was never really looking for a marriage potential, but I was looking for a "real" relationship, something that could be good. Regardless of outcomes, I wanted to look back and say it was a good one.

 

I'm just trying to get control of myself and making the best decision for me- i hope i did the right thing by telling him that until hes over this thing with ex, that i dont want him to communicate with me, i mean what for? To tell me that hes sorry but he may be with her? Or that he didnt mean to hurt me yada yada. That wont make me feel better.