deecbee Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I've been friends with a former co-worker for over a year and yesterday I finally had enough of her flakiness and lack of communication and I cut her off after the last straw yesterday. To keep it brief, mainly I had a problem with her never following through with plans that we'd make. But the problem was she would never outright cancel her plans or leave me enough time to come up with alternative plans. Instead of verbally cancelling, she would just stop communicating - not respond to calls, texts, emails. This would ALWAYS happen a few hours before whatever we were supposed to do something. And I'm not just talking about simple dinner plans, either. I'm talking about vacations, things we'd spend MONTHS planning. Examples: Last year for New Years Eve, we made plans to go to a concert. We both bought tickets and then she upgraded to VIP. I reluctantly shelled out $100 extra dollars for a VIP ticket. The day of the event, I didn't hear from her. AT ALL. I ended up having to go by myself. Last year we spent 6 months planning a road trip to Coachella Music Festival (her idea). I was going to go anyway, but she insisted she wanted to come, and said she'd bring ALL of the camping gear. Literally 1 hour before we left to pick her up, she stopped responding to my calls. Finally at the dead last minute she said she was going with a friend instead since our plans were "too disorganized". I vowed to never speak to her again, as I had to scramble and spend money on camping gear that I never bothered to get since she was supposed to bring it. Yesterday (the last straw), she flaked out again. We live accross the country now and she told me a month ago that she'd be in town and that we should hang out. I let her know my schedule and told her to tell me a good time to meet up. We agreed on an area and a time and I told her I'd send her a text when I was nearby. 1 hour later... still no response from her. I let her know I was headed back home, which she then responded and said she was watching a movie and didn't hear her phone. She asked if we could meet later that night in a different part of town (her last night in town). I said okay, and told her to let me know when and where. I sat around and by midnight still had heard NOTHING. I sent her a matter-of-fact message letting her know that I have standards for friendships and that ours didn't meet that standard, then I deleted her on FB. I know I won't hear from her because she is a bit of a coward. And I know you're wondering why I would ever be friends with someone who repeatedly does this - every time she'd flake out, I would stop talking to her. But all of a sudden she would start 'liking' everything on my Facebook page. I guess that's her half-assed way of apologizing. She did apologize (sort of) for the vacation incident. Every time I would stop talking to her she would start paying attention again. I would NEVER treat a friend this way - it was to the point of tears yesterday. What would you have done? Did I overreact or was this an appropriate way to handle it? I will not be friends with her after this, but I am struggling with understanding WHY she does this. I'm trying not to internalize it, but it's hard not to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 You did the right thing especially for yourself. She sounds about as flaky and unreliable like a pie crust. Now she's sugar coating it for you. It's just healthy to stay away from 'chronically' flaky people like her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I don't know if I would have sent the text, but I might. Or, I'd just drop the friendship, but if I hadn't said anything I think her behavior would nag at me. She might be the kind of person who needs someone else to set firm details (time, place, plans), but still, she is treating you poorly and you are right in letting this friendship go, out of self respect. Those are pretty major plans to flake out on, and very inconsiderate of her. You don't do her any favors either by accepting it from her. It's good to know your own standards for friendship, and to find a way to communicate this in some way (if possible) during a friendship. I'm not necessarily good at this myself, but I do think it is possible to help build the type of friendship you want. Not all friendships will be the same, though. I don't know if I'm giving you any helpful advise, but I do think you are right in putting your foot down and ending the craziness with her. I have no idea why she does it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 I wasn't going to say anything but I knew it would continue to weigh on me if I didn't. And I didn't want to delete her from FB at first, but I knew she'd still linger in my thoughts if I didn't - and she'd eventually start up with the "I'm too cowardly to apologize so I'll just give you a thumbs up on everything you post" crap. I've never verbally called her out on her behavior and there was something vindicating about letting her know that what she did is NOT acceptable in a friendship. I suspect that she doesn't get called out on her behavior very often. It's good to know others agree with my response. I wasn't nasty or mean in my message to her, but I was pretty upset and sometimes I act out of anger rather than with my head. I know some people have their A-list friends and their B-list friends, but I can't personally relate to that concept. All of my friends are A-list and are top priorities. If they weren't, I wouldn't be friends with them! I'm beginning to wonder if that's healthy though, because people I put on my "friends" list have me on their "casual acquaintances" list and that can cause a lot of misunderstandings and hurtful situations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 All of my friends are A-list and are top priorities. If they weren't, I wouldn't be friends with them! That says a lot about you; they are very lucky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Why didn't you learn from it the first time? When she flaked on the first big event, I don't know why you kept planning things of this magnitude with her. Even after the second time, you kept planning things with her. Why do that, and have to risk going to these things alone???? I don't get it....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Why didn't you learn from it the first time? When she flaked on the first big event, I don't know why you kept planning things of this magnitude with her. Even after the second time, you kept planning things with her. Why do that, and have to risk going to these things alone???? I don't get it....... I'm loyal to a fault, and I believe in second chances. I took her half-assed apology for her really caring and not just trying to save face. I have a tendency to idealize people, I guess. I see the good in people and sometimes I let that overshadow the reality. Now that I'm really reevaluating my friendship with her, I wonder what I even got out of it. To be honest, I think she got way more out of the friendship than I did. With me, she had a dependent person that she could confide in and get great advice from. I'm not so sure I ever really got anything out of our friendship. It is something I'm going to have to work on, not keeping around emotional vampires. I'm a giver and I tend to attract those types. I suppose I should chalk this up to a lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Why didn't you learn from it the first time? When she flaked on the first big event, I don't know why you kept planning things of this magnitude with her. Even after the second time, you kept planning things with her. Why do that, and have to risk going to these things alone???? I don't get it....... Also, another thing- every single thing was HER idea. She always, always initiated the plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 To keep it brief, mainly I had a problem with her never following through with plans that we'd make. But the problem was she would never outright cancel her plans or leave me enough time to come up with alternative plans. Instead of verbally cancelling, she would just stop communicating - not respond to calls, texts, emails. This would ALWAYS happen a few hours before whatever we were supposed to do something. I have a friend like this. She is a lifelong friend. Her flaky behavior has been going on for the past year. She INITIATES the plans with me, and then goes MIA a few hours before. When I was reading your posts about your friend flaking out on New Year's Eve, it reminded me of my friend. She has done the same thing. Why didn't you learn from it the first time? When she flaked on the first big event, I don't know why you kept planning things of this magnitude with her. Even after the second time, you kept planning things with her. Why do that, and have to risk going to these things alone???? I don't get it....... If you really care about a friend and have been friends with them for a long time, it is not so cut and dry. You try to give them chances to do the right thing. Everyone knows what their own limits and boundaries are, and what their "last straw" is. It seems like the OP has reached that point now. For me, my last straw was a month ago when my friend called me and said she wanted to get together with her son and my son for a dinner/play date. She said she'd be out at 5:30pm. I told her I would order all the food since she gets out of work later than I do. Well, she decided to text me (not call) at 6:00pm (after I already ordered and paid for all the take-out, and it was on its way) and told me that she has a headache. She then texted "I'm going to the the pharmacy to get some aspirin, I will call you when I am done" Then she never called , but she posted pictures on Facebook later that night (she didn't think I'd see them because I don't have facebook) showing her and her current flavor of the week BF carving pumpkins together. (She forgot my husband has facebook apparently) . There I am sitting at home, $40 less in my pocket, my toddler all excited about seeing another child/friend that didn't even end up coming over.... That was my last straw. I haven't tallked to her since. My time doesn't grow on trees. I am a busy mother who works full time. I don't need that flakey crap in my life. So I cut her off. Deecbee, if it were a TRIP, I would flip out. You are definitely doing the right thing cutting off this person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I recall telling off a friend who failed to show a number of times. I reached my limit, and after hearing their excuse later on, I said "I thought you wanted to be friends, but friends don't treat friends this way." To their credit, they now show up on time or call ahead to reschedule if needed, and I'm happy that we're still friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John3572 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I've had a couple of those friends. Those friendships are tough to break because although you like the time that you spend with the person, you know that you're a better friend to them then they are to you. It's also not fair because they think of you as a "fill in" and do not respect you enough to allow you enough notice to make other plans. Respect yourself if they don't respect you. They also always are so sorry when they break plans or give you little notice. If you make a big deal out of it you're the one that's a headcase. Those friends have a lot of short term friendships because you cannot treat people any kind of way and think things are cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Grr... I felt so angry reading your post. Did you ever confront her about it? If so, what was her response? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wow, this is hurting me way too much right now. I never even considered her my best friend, what the hell? Instead of bothering to respond to my message, she posted up a few braggadocious updates on FB (ie) "I want to be bicoastal!" and "The best days are those when you wake up feeling like crap and still think, "I can't believe this is my life! I am so lucky!"" And a bunch of pictures from her trip. I don't know if she even noticed that I removed her from my friend list, or if this was some passive-aggressive move on her part to get under my skin. I really want to go off right about now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I am so sorry (and sorry for what happened to you, BellaDonna too!) you have been going through this -it's particularly hard to know your boundaries and to stop second guessing yourself especially with the hot/cold behavior. I've had to cut people off like this too for similar reasons. I think you did the right thing and I hope you feel better about it soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Thanks for the encouraging words, Batya. It sucks when you think you know someone and then you realize you don't. Or when you willingly overlook glaring warning signs that only come back to bite you in the ass later. I had a flashback while I was making dinner about a story she told me over the summer that I completely forgot until now- She was dating a guy this summer and he took her with him to San Fran on a business trip. While on the trip she ended up abandoning him at a bar and ended up back at the hotel room having sex with his BEST FRIEND. He walked in on them and obviously was extremely shocked and heart broken. To make matters worse, she ran a huge tab up on his room. She actually LAUGHED - I mean completely cracked up while she was telling me this story! I always do this, I did it with my ex and apparently I do it with my "friends", I ignore these neon yellow signs that tell me exactly who they are, yet I'm always so surprised when they turn the same behavior on me. Ugh, I feel sick right now. All I hope is that karma bites her in the ass - hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I wouldn't beat myself up over it - it's easier to see this stuff in hindsight because if you're a caring, involved friend at the time the flakiness seems "small" until it gets cumulatively big. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neocorp Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 just run away man and don't look at your back; let her try to understand your value and catch you...If she doesn't, just forget about her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 She not even worth it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Grr... I felt so angry reading your post. Did you ever confront her about it? If so, what was her response? Not yet. My approach is to just ingore her at this point, and wait for her to ask what is going on. Essentially, she will have to make an effort to even find out, so it is likely she'll never be confronted as she puts no effort into the friendship as it stands now. We are also both in a wedding party together so I am also trying to be quiet and keep the peace for the sake of the bride. So I've just cut her out for now. It's the easiest thing for me to do. She makes me very angry too, and she is not worth my time or anger. So I am quiet, for now, pretending she doesn't exist for the most part. The only part that hurts is that I deeply miss her adorable little boy, who is friends with my son. I could take or leave her at this point though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 deecbee, I'm not sure if you ever heard from your flakey friend again but mine emerged. She sent me a drunk text on Thanksgiving nght telling me how much she loved and missed me and our friendship and then she invited me, my husband, and son over for dinner. We'll see how this goes and whether she flakes out on the plans. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allyo Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Oh man, that sounds horrible! Going to the concert by yourself...? There isn't an excuse for that. I admire you for having the guts to tell her! I have cut off several friends for their flakiness. Although I never had the guts to tell them why, I just sort of slowly phased them out of my life. I think some people are just like that - true opportunists. They want to be well liked and get along with everyone. They are more worried about their social standing and having a million friends to go out with and choose between rather than develop a few, closer friendships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 deecbee, I'm not sure if you ever heard from your flakey friend again but mine emerged. She sent me a drunk text on Thanksgiving nght telling me how much she loved and missed me and our friendship and then she invited me, my husband, and son over for dinner. We'll see how this goes and whether she flakes out on the plans. lol Hey! Very interesting! My flakey friend responded to my email a WEEK after I had sent it, giving me some sort of excuse that she was busy and didn't write back sooner because she was on her iphone and typing takes too long. Okay, whatever. She apologized for going MIA while she was in town, and used a hybrid of an "I fell asleep/my phone died" excuse. She also said she appreciated that I pointed it out to her and that it wouldn't happen again and she'd work on it in the future. Whatever... honestly, I'm past the point of needing to be her friend. This last incident made me realize that I don't get that much (if anything) out of the friendship. I accepted her apology because there's no point in dwelling on it, but I don't expect much out of her in the future. It was a good wake up call for me. I hope your situation takes a turn for the better. It sucks that it took her getting drunk to text you, but it's probably safe to say that she has a guilty conscience about it and had a hard time confronting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecbee Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Oh man, that sounds horrible! Going to the concert by yourself...? There isn't an excuse for that. I admire you for having the guts to tell her! I have cut off several friends for their flakiness. Although I never had the guts to tell them why, I just sort of slowly phased them out of my life. I think some people are just like that - true opportunists. They want to be well liked and get along with everyone. They are more worried about their social standing and having a million friends to go out with and choose between rather than develop a few, closer friendships. That is EXACTLY who she is. She cannot stand not being liked by everyone. She's always been the cute, bubbly college cheerleader with a million acquaintences and zero real friends. I'm the complete opposite - I don't keep people around as social padding or for me to pay attention to when I get bored. I just don't view people so lightly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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