Always the same ... always different?

[winniethepooh]

Hi ENA people. I been reading for a few months but not posted anything yet.

 

Broke up a few months ago. Shortest relationship of my life, and it seems to be the most difficult one to get over.

 

When I met her, she didn't want a relationship but she did want my friendship. When I realised that I wanted to be something more than just friends, I told her. Early on I said if she just wants to be friends then that's fine but I would need space from her until my romantic feelings had gone. She said ok but didn't leave me alone so we reconnected and tried to move forward from there. Being together in a non-relationship or something. I don't know how that works but I tried to give her lots of space to let her come around to the idea of a relationship with me rather than try to pressure her. I thought she was worth it. Trouble is, that attitude left me feeling like I was walking on eggs much of the time. And of course the doormat effect comes into play too. I knew this was not a healthy way for a relationship to develop and tried to find a way through that with her during our time together. She even said how she appreciated my patience. And there were times we did communicate really well. But in the end, my desire to talk about things, and/or my desire for a relationship, pushed her away. Sigh.

 

She kept her cards close to her chest, I put all mine on the table. If we were playing a game, then I lost right from the start. But I don't like to play games when it comes to relationships. Sigh.

 

Anyway, blah blah blah about the details of the relationship. I said to her that I thought our biggest problem towards the end was communication. When we did communicate well, it just seemed so good, peaceful, happy, connected ... you know?

 

There were some issues or differences of significance, but nothing that was a dealbreaker as far as I know, for either of us. Then again, it's possible there were but that she didn't want to communicate that to me. The biggest dealbreaker for me is that she ran away too easily. My dilemma, or question is, did I let her go too easily?

 

We connected very well in many ways. From my perspective, much better than I have with anyone in the past (but that's always the way isn't it Sigh.

 

She struggled to be with me because she was conflicted - her heart said stay, her head said go (because before she met me, she was in the frame of mind of not wanting a relationship ... allegedly). She wasn't emotionally invested in the beginning but feelings developed for her as time went on. I think more than she wanted or expected. Feelings developed for me too of course. Much quicker than for her I think. Sigh.

 

She started to distance herself more. I wanted to talk, to know where we stood, to see if we could move forwards together in a committed relationship. She didn't want to talk. So I left her alone. She was upset. She sent an email after I thought she'd gone (but before she actually said the words), asking didn't I want to talk anymore? I said of course I wanted to talk and I didn't understand why she was asking. Sigh.

 

Then she phoned. We talked a bit, I said do you want to meet and talk some more. She did. We met, we enjoyed each others company for a while, I said so what about this conversation? She didn't want to talk. She said she loved me, she said goodbye, she ran away. As those great poets from the Zeppelin once said, Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true. Sigh.

 

She struggled to leave me because she was conflicted but in the end when she did say goodbye, I let her walk away. I don't know if she wanted me to. I asked her once to stay but didn't beg or plead. I should add, there was an element of fedupness on my part at that time. We'd already gone through ... she wanted space (I left her alone, she came back), she wanted a break (I left her alone, she came back), so I was in the "Oh no, here we go again" frame of mind. Sigh.

 

Then she wrote a letter saying goodbye again and trying to clarify why. She loved me, she was conflicted, she didn't want a relationship, she wanted to be alone, etc. I said thank you for the letter, I understood, I really did, and I cared about her. I didn't ask to meet or talk or say that I wanted to have a relationship (I felt that if I did it would only be repeating myself).

 

Then she sent me a few more emails and I was confused. I would respond but not initiate. She asked if I wanted to meet, I said I had been trying to accept and respect her decision to say goodbye, and that I was not ready to meet as just friends (it wasn't clear to me if she wanted to meet as friends or to talk about the relationship). I said she needs to leave me alone until I don't care about her. I sometimes wonder if there was a chance at this point but I pushed her away?

 

In retrospect, I think the post-goodbye communication splutters were because she felt guilty at the time of the breakup. I think because she knew how much she was hurting me. It pained me at the time (and still does) to "let her go with love" (an expression I've seen in other posts). I think I did the right thing in that respect but there are many times I don't feel or believe I have. Big sigh

 

I did and do as much as possible to avoid any chance of bumping into her. We don't have mutual friends of any significance so information flow is zero.

 

She contacted me again a month later with a How are you? message. I said good (I lied, I wasn't, but there was no indication of a willingness from her to talk about the relationship) and hoped she was well. I didn't ask anything, and didn't give any further information about me. I didn't hear anything more from her (I think this is month 5 of NC to use the popular technical term). Oh how I've agonised since then about not replying in a way that might have encouraged more dialog. But when I'm feeling more rational I usually think the response was ok under the circumstances.

 

In one of those bizarre stories you think can only happen in movies, I heard about her recently in an odd situation from someone I didn't think had any connection to her. Once the connection become apparent I told him I didn't want any more information, that what she did was not my business anymore. He felt he had information that could give me closure. I felt she had already given me closure, it was up to me to accept it. And anyway, it would have been second hand information, and possibly inaccurate.

 

I didn't know the expression NIC, NC, LC but I guess I was doing NIC.

 

I've been asked by friends if I'm 100% sure about wanting a relationship with her. I'm not. I was 100% sure about wanting to talk with her about a committed relationship. I guess these days that's dropped a bit ... 99% with occasional moments of 0%.

 

I don't know how she is. I care so until I don't care, it's not good for me to know. In the meantime I try to focus on work (difficult), exercise (easier), travel (expensive), and finding something to be passionate about (still looking ... today it will be posting on ENA).

 

So ... did I let her go too easily? Is it possible she thinks I wasn't that interested (He's Not That Into You or whatever that film is called)? I have this awful feeling that that could well be her opinion. The irony is that if it is, then that's not a good sign for a fulfilling committed relationship anyway. At least not the kind of relationship I want with someone. Kind of academic questions now really. More relevant is what do I do now? Keep on going. She said it was over so I have to accept that and move on.

 

But oh dear God, it still f***ing hurts at times.

 

I know this is not a Getting Back Together story but I wish it was. I don't know yet whether that's desire, hope, knowledge, or fantasy on my part. I had one relationship in the past where the roles were reversed. I was my current exGF (always distancing), and that relationship dragged on for 4 years of toing and froing because of me. Did anyone say Karma ? Oh, and 4 years after that ended (I finally got dumped by her), she wanted to try again! I didn't.

 

And also I notice DN is moderator for this forum. I really enjoy his succint, thoughtful comments. They always seem to hit the nail on the head. So please sir, here is my head, here is a nail, ... Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick ...

 

Would love to hear what you all think - I know many names from reading of your pain and growth over the past few months, as you reveal your deepest feelings and thoughts. Kind of strange to connect with people's souls through a computer when we so rarely do that in real life

[EgoJoe]

You Sir have just been a bump on the road for a GIGS girl. You dodged a bullet. Don't talk to her and if she can't respect your boundaries then be rude to her.

[Flyingpiglet]

I don't think you let her go too easliy at all. Quite the opposite.

From your story, you've tried and tried to give her what you thought she needed and she's given pretty much nothing in return.

The main reason she will contact you now will be because she thinks you're moving on. She loses her power over you when you move on and that won't make her feel good... Who cares!!!

Let it go, you did all you could and at the end of the day, she just isn't worth it!

[northpickle]

Hi Winnie

 

I notice quite a few parallels between your story and mine, so thought I would offer my support. Not sure whether you have seen my thread, it's quite long! but a lot of what you say rings completely true to me. I know exactly how it is, the agonising over LC or NC, the thoughts of whether you did or said the right thing, too much or not enough. I hear you completely!

 

You say you have enough closure and you're trying to focus on yourself, this is good! Keep on going, like you say. You're obviously still hurting but you sound like you are doing well under the circumstances, so more power to you

 

Take care.

[Deciduous]

You Sir have just been a bump on the road for a GIGS girl. You dodged a bullet. Don't talk to her and if she can't respect your boundaries then be rude to her.

 

Hi Winnie the pooh,

 

 

You love her very, very deeply that much is clear. Emotionally she is not in the same place. When people do not love us as we love them, the pysche goes into protection mode. It throws out all sorts of reasons as to why the obvious truth is neither true nor obvious. Theories to protect the pysche and avoid painful truths.

 

The GIGS theory,

The "she couldn't handle the intensity of her feelings" theory

The she's been hurt tooo much before" theory

The "she's blind to her true feelings" theory

The "I let her go too easily" theory

The "If only I were perfect and without that flaw, she would love me" theory

 

The painful and devastating truth - this woman could not give you what you needed - because she did not feel the same as you did.

 

In your heart of hearts you know that when two people are in love they will move heaven and high water to be together, no matter what. Is this occurring here? It is okay to feel angry, puzzled lost, confused, hopeless, furious and bitter. Broken hearts rarely bring out the best in us. But they do eventually get to the truth of the matter. Eventually it does become freeing. But first you need to look into a abyss, and call it an abyss. It is not the super-gateway to the happy love story that you so desperately want. It's an abyss. Let's call it what it is.

 

That love has not occurred here is no fault of yours. NOT ONE BIT. Falling in love is a bizarre phenomenon. Sometimes it occurs. Sometimes it doesn't. There is very little logic behind it, although we insist upon atributing love with facets of logic. God knows we like to control. Yet it's all chemistry, lack of control, phermones and the univere's little secret.

 

You did nothing wrong. You are nothing wrong and you will continue to doing nothing wrong. But your feelings are not going to grow in her. It is just the way it is.

 

We have all experienced the devastating occurrence of loving some-one who didn't love us. We have all been through the degrading journey of trying to convince them that we are indeed lovable. That they simply must experience the same extradinarily beautiful and all powerful emotions that are currently vibrating through us. How could they not? HOw could the world not. AND..we have all failed to talk some-one into loving us. There is no pain like it.

 

But the healing journey can finally begin when we face the sheer extent of hopelessness and lack of control over our Special Other's feelings. As long as you see this lady as ailing, as unwell, as GIGSING, as confused, then you are unable to accept her as she really is. No matter how strong your feelings, she does not share them equally. It's not your fault. Love is a funny thing. It ignites in the strangest of places

 

For reasons that are beyond you and I, it's not gong to happen here. My heart goes out to you. I have been there too.

 

 

I wish u all best

 

Deci

[winniethepooh]

You Sir have just been a bump on the road for a GIGS girl. You dodged a bullet. Don't talk to her and if she can't respect your boundaries then be rude to her.

Ah, I'm impressed A possible conclusion I had come to sometimes but I didn't want to admit. And I have additional information which you didn't (in favor of the GIGS theory).

 

Oh well, sometimes the grass really is greener. In which case fair enough, better she finds greener pastures now than a few years down the road.

[winniethepooh]

I don't think you let her go too easliy at all. Quite the opposite.

Thanks Yes, in the end all we can do is our best.

 

I remember your name. I'll have to go back and look up your story though ...

[winniethepooh]

Not sure whether you have seen my thread, it's quite long!

Actually, I do remember your story. I'll have to go back and pick up from where I left off (think it was around page 30)

 

Yeah, getting there. Annoyed at how slowly though.

[winniethepooh]

You did nothing wrong. You are nothing wrong and you will continue to doing nothing wrong. But your feelings are not going to grow in her. It is just the way it is.

In a strange way, I wonder if that's inhibiting my recovery. I am very analytical by nature, and when something goes wrong I search and search for an explanation - preferably one in which I am responsible so I can learn from it.

 

Of course, I did do some things "wrong," not wrong as in bad, but wrong as in there was a disconnect between what she wanted and what I was or did.

 

We have all experienced the devastating occurrence of loving some-one who didn't love us.

Ah yes. Sigh ...

 

Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts. It's great to read your comments

[EgoJoe]

You are really smart!

 

The GIGS girl comment for me stems completely from the egocentric behavior that appears apparent. The defense mechanism circa theories idea you put forth is completely apt and even moreso for short term relationships.

[Thorshammer]

Ahhhh, i remember these type of women. Theres a bunch of them in nyc. I go and hang out with them, attract, they give me their warning that they dont want a relationship when they THINK (or when i subtly failed at hinting at it) that i wanted one. I act like I dont care, but inside I am pulling away.

 

They get less calls, they get short convo's, they get.. "I am busy that weekend, what about next?" And guess what... i date someone else. By the time the girl gets tired of just messing with me, and wants a real relationship after I push and pull my attention to drive her nuts, its too late. I did date one until she became my gf. I gave her an ultimatum (risky, but i had options), she said no, i left.. and a week later i was in a new relationship (damn, where did my game go... i am still single), i broke up with the chick, and the other one waited for me (her words...).

 

So we finally started going out... a horrible relationship that was. All that for nothing... its might not have been as cute as you thought it might end up, especially with her hot and cold behavior.

[winniethepooh]

Ahhhh, i remember these type of women. Theres a bunch of them in nyc.

Ahhhh ... maybe I should go to NYC and learn about them so I don't balls it up next time!

 

They get less calls, they get short convo's, they get.. "I am busy that weekend, what about next?" And guess what... i date someone else.

I should have read this a long time ago Ah, we live and learn eh? Thanks for your refreshingly blunt comments!

[winniethepooh]

You love her very, very deeply that much is clear.

I meant to say before, thank you for saying this. I would often wonder if I wasn't being clear, if she perhaps didn't realise how serious I was about her, and so on. But if you pick that up from what I've written, then I am reassured that lack of clarity from me was not an issue. Or if it was, she really was from Venus and would be better off with Spock ...

 

But the healing journey can finally begin when we face the sheer extent of hopelessness and lack of control over our Special Other's feelings. As long as you see this lady as ailing, as unwell, as GIGSING, as confused, then you are unable to accept her as she really is. No matter how strong your feelings, she does not share them equally. It's not your fault. Love is a funny thing. It ignites in the strangest of places

Nicely put. Thanks

[LightInTheSky]

Well seeing as I too am on hear looking for answers I'm not sure how helpful my insight will be but hey might as well give it a shot. From what you've wrote and keeping in mind that I don't know both you or your ex personally and can only go off what you have written, it seems like your ex was incredibly confused. That doesn't mean she never cared about you or loved you, sometimes our hearts and heads are very conflicting and make us irrational. The best thing you can do right now IMO is to give her A LOT of time. She really needs to figure out what she genuinely wants in life and you need heel from being tossed around for so long by someone you loved. So if she turns up two days from now saying she's figured it out and all she wants is you, well be skeptical that she's actually figured it out, these things can take time. Just my two-cents

[Awoken]

Great story.

 

Is she still sniffing around? Or have things progressed since your last posts?

[winniethepooh]

I'm not sure how helpful my insight will be but hey might as well give it a shot.

Actually, it was quite helpful, thanks for replying. I'm confused too, and your viewpoint reinforces one line of thinking I have.

 

From what you've wrote and keeping in mind that I don't know both you or your ex personally and can only go off what you have written, it seems like your ex was incredibly confused. That doesn't mean she never cared about you or loved you, sometimes our hearts and heads are very conflicting and make us irrational. The best thing you can do right now IMO is to give her A LOT of time. She really needs to figure out what she genuinely wants in life and you need heel from being tossed around for so long by someone you loved.

Yes, quite right. Of course, it doesn't serve me to sit around and wait while she does ... but, easier said than done, as always

 

So if she turns up two days from now saying she's figured it out and all she wants is you, well be skeptical that she's actually figured it out, these things can take time. Just my two-cents

Indeed

[winniethepooh]

Great story.

Not for me ...

 

Is she still sniffing around? Or have things progressed since your last posts?

Haven't heard from her in months. Did start hearing about her a couple of weeks ago from someone but I told him to stop, I didn't want any more information. What she was doing was her business, not mine.

[winniethepooh]

Funny story time. Dreamt last night I was getting into it with someone new (no one I knew in real life). Went to find a condom, woke up before we could continue. Damn

 

But at least it's better than the couple of unnerving dreams I had about the ex last week. Don't remember details now but was feeling rattled when I woke up. One was along the lines of she was with someone else. One was along the lines of we were getting back together. Bleah.

 

Trying to work now. Started off ok but concentration fading, still trying to fight off thoughts of ex and the urge to contact her. Must. Leave. Her. Alone. Gnnnnngggghhhh. Will go and do something else for a while.

[northpickle]

Hi Winnie Just popping over to give you some support. The odd dreams, the lack of concentration - I completely understand! Hang in there and try and keep busy, I know it's difficult but keep pushing through. And try and think that if you were to contact her, any reply or lack of will NOT make you feel better. SHE'S the one missing out, my man!

[winniethepooh]

Hi Winnie Just popping over to give you some support.

Thanks. The urge has gone ... for now

 

SHE'S the one missing out, my man!

Quite. Someone needs to tell her that though .

[winniethepooh]

It's time to update my thread.

 

I have read many many threads here, and many of them are unfinished, as in it's not clear what happened. I know mine was like that, and I know I would often wonder when reading other people's unfinished stories ... What happened?

 

I often wondered what would prompt me to add an epilogue to my own story. To be honest, I thought I would update it when I received some sort of significant communication from my ex. I hoped or expected to (they always come back or some such nonsense). I didn't though. There's been nothing except for an email I mentioned in the original post, and one accidental meeting). It's over 18 months since we split, I still think about her every day, and the relationship was less than a year.

 

But what prompted me to update this is that I crossed a line at ENA, and I know I did. I got called on it too. Fair enough.

 

I've changed. I've changed in a way I didn't want to, but I feel like I had to. The change is not complete yet, and I don't know if it will be. Anyone who is a nice guy or a nice girl who has been treated cruelly and completed the recovery trip on their own after that, will understand what I mean.

 

I had a message from a good friend today about what makes a relationship work. I laughed. A cynical, bitter laugh. I'd been there. I'd tried. She's in the same boat as me but she has no idea. Or maybe she does, and I'm the one who has no idea. Again, anyone who has done the same trip knows what I mean - and it is very clear to me that many people here have done that trip, or are in the middle of it.

 

But to get back to the story, update it, finish it.

 

My ex dumped me. She didn't do it cleanly and messed me around a bit. Nowhere near as long as some people get messed around by a dumper though - I feel for you, I really do. It's hell.

 

One month later I got a bland email from her. I replied blandly. To this day I have received nothing further from her.

 

Three months later I almost crossed paths with her ... in the same pension in an obscure village in another country where I had often been for a holiday but I didn't think she knew about. She was there with new boyfriend as far as I know. That rattled me. Turns out there was a logical explanation for it. I'll get to that. I thought I was getting to being ok again but that information put me pretty much back to the beginning of the break-up. I started healing again. Bah.

 

Six months after break-up I bump into her. In a place which is one of my sanctuaries so to speak, and she knows it is, and she has plenty of other places to go and do what she was doing there. I was polite, we talked about nothing, I said I have to go, and left. I wanted to see her, to talk to her, to hold her, more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I was shattered, I started the healing all over again. I didn't go back there for another six months. It was also when I stopped posting on ENA - I thought it really is time for me to get a grip and start moving on. I tried, and I did ... sort of ... move on.

 

Six months after that (twelve months after break-up) I venture back to the place which I thought was safe to go to. Where I could go for a daily walk, to be euphemistic about it. Two days after I started, I saw her in the same place. Or I thought I did. We didn't talk. The next day I changed my visiting time to something outrageous when almost no-one goes. I saw her again, or thought I did, but it is extremely unlikely to have been anyone else. Bah. I haven't been back there since (it's six months later as I type this).

 

Not long after that, I went somewhere else which I thought was safe. Met an old acquaintance by chance. He mentioned a friend and his girlfriend who was clearly my ex (I didn't react to that information though). All the pieces fall into place. My acquaintance is very good friends with someone I introduced my ex to - and it's a tight circle of friends that go way back - them I mean. I've always been on the periphery. I don't know who she connected with as a result of my original introduction but it also explains the close encounter in another country.

 

I don't know whether she got involved with the new guy before or after she left me, but it makes sense that it was before, given her behavior and the tone of her letters. The guilt feeling that came through but which didn't make sense to me at the time. The evasiveness. The confusion. Etc.

 

She left me because she wanted to be on her own, she wasn't ready for a relationship, not mature enough for a relationship, wanted to find herself. She left me because she loved me. That's what she said. What she did was leave me because she wanted to be with someone else.

 

Such is life.

 

What burns is not so much that she met someone else, I always knew that was a possibility for several reasons, and all through our relationship I was willing to accept that I might only be a temporary liaison for her. But what burns is that she gaslighted me about it, despite my best efforts to give her every opportunity to be honest about things in a non-confrontational way (sometimes being a nice guy really sucks). That's been one of the hardest things for me to get over. Not least because I thought I had a clue, but after several serious relationships (including a marriage), this latest one rammed home to me that I didn't have a clue.

 

Except the clue that I now have, is not one I want or wanted to have.

 

Remember The Matrix?

 

Oh, and the other thing that was hard to get over. Well if ever there was The One for me, that was her. I thought. I still think. But the feelings are gone ... mostly ... I hope. Perhaps I'm still in fantasyland with that idea. Oh well, never mind.

 

As for a new life, new women, blah blah blah. Well, that's a different story or stories, and remains to be seen. I met women along the way but didn't really start trying to date again until six months ago (12 months after break-up). Oddly enough I might have a dilemma today involving two women, both with uncanny resemblances to my ex (for different reasons, and both also very different). But that's a new story ... or stories ... or no story.

 

As the man said (Churchill?), if you're going through hell, keep going. You can do it, and you will, if you keep going. And remember your trip next time you're tempted to punish someone for something they didn't do. Do you really want to push them into that hell? If I'm generous to my ex, that's what she did to me - she got badly burned by the guy before me - she dumped me the same way she got dumped (it took her a few years to get over it she said). Duh.

 

Goodnight and good luck.

[Deciduous]

Hello Winnie,

 

Many thanks for coming back to us. At least we get to know how the story ends-ish. Welcome back. The strangest thing is reading one's own comments from a year ago and thinking who wrote that? That's not what I would say today.

 

Any-way I'm glad that you are feeling much stronger in yourself these days.

 

All the best

 

Deci

[professorplum]

Hi Winnie,

 

Sent you a few words by PM. Not sure if they will help but like Deci has said - good to hear you are feeling stronger.

[Shane Falco]

Sorry you went through this. The situation which prompted my introduction to this website is similar to yours in many ways. Basically I (I'm 34) moved to a new place last April and shortly after that my best friend's sister-in-law (who was 27 at the time, 28 now) messages me out of the blue because she heard I moved into her area and wanted to hang out. I had met this woman two other times -- five years earlier at my friend's wedding and a year before when she moved to this area (I was living an hour away before I moved). It was friendly at the wedding and we barely talked the second time, so I was surprised to hear from her.

 

Initially I figured that we'd be "friends" and I could meet women through her. But we hung out and the chemistry was off the charts to the point where we would see each other every weekend for two months or so while ramping up the flirting, intimacy, etc., to the point where we were dating. She made references to taking trips with me, wanting to meet my family, etc., and I got hit by the lightning bolt and fell hard, to the point where I was really attached. This is extremely rare for me, so I started freaking out in my head. I was able to keep it under wraps until I got really drunk on an all-day bar-hopping/walk on the beach type day with her. She was talking about spending an entire weekend together doing this, that and other and I freaked out and pulled a burn, withdrawing.

 

Needless to say, she didn't react well to this at all. I still don't know if it was because a) I went overboard and freaked her out or b) she felt like I was rejecting her, but she withdrew from me. The weekend plans were scrapped and she ignored every text/call I made for two weeks (about 6-7 I think) except one, when she agreed to meet me then backed out. Went four weeks of half-ass NC until I saw her with my friend and her sister/his wife for a prearranged weekend. We talked a few times via text the week before and it went well (she even invited me to an event that her company was hosting, but not as a date, as she was working). The first day she was cold, annoyed, jilted, unpleasant except for the occasional smile at something funny I'd say and the second day she was relatively normal, kind of friendly but not flirty. She tagged me in a funny Facebook picture so I thought I was making progress, so I wished her a happy birthday (her birthday was 10 days or so after we hung out). She responded, but then went silent when I asked how she was celebrating. That silence reminded me of her earlier fade, so I went NC and haven't talked to or interacted with her in any way since. I blocked her Facebook news feed (didn't completely block her because I didn't want to deal with any drama from that due to my friendship with her family) and haven't clicked on her page at all since.

 

There are a few differences between my situation and the OP, mainly not having to deal with her trying to contact me back, as she has not tried to get ahold of me. I was thinking of making another play at her a month into the NC, but I hung out with my friend, her sister, my friend's brother and his wife on a vacation weekend around that time. During that weekend, my friend basically told me that I dodged a bullet, stating that "she's not perfect", "she has problems" and "she has really horrible judgement when it comes to men" (obviously A lot of this was news to me, as she is beautiful, hard-working, successful, athletic, etc. My friend's brother's wife expounded further, telling me that my ex was a moron for leaving me and that she should crawl back on her hands and knees to me and that I shouldn't chase her. She also told me that my ex's sister told her that my ex. She also told me that my ex had at least one boyfriend that hit her and she stayed with him for a while despite that. While I felt bad for my ex (she obviously hid that info from me) it confirmed the "horrible judgement" statement of my friend. I was also told by my friend's brother's wife that my ex's sister told her that my ex "still kind of liked me but was looking to see if she could do better". Classic GIGS. So I was just like "f--k it, good luck" and really started healing, with my ex occupying less of my mind as the next few months rolled along.

 

Lately I've been on a few different dates and, lo and behold, thoughts of the ex have crept back. I've hooked up randomly with a few girls since the break (especially in the first month after, as I was just looking for whatever to get her off my mind) but it was the dates that really got me missing her, as I'm unfortunately comparing the dates I had with the ex. I've talked to my mother about it and she thinks I should consider reaching out to my ex. I wonder, like winnie, if I did enough to try to save things. I never have told her why I freaked the way I did, mostly because she wouldn't talk to me after and then I didn't want to have that conversation when I did talk to her. She knows that I really liked her, so I don't think it's that important to tell her the why at this point. But I have my head (saying the hell with her, her loss, if she wanted to contact you she knows your number and where you live) and my heart (which she has imprinted herself on more than any other woman I've ever met, and that she's as hesitant to reach out and contact me as I am with her) wrestling each other right now. Luckily I'm busy with work right now so I don't have much free time, but when I do, we'll see what happens.

[Reflective82]

A good quote Winnie.

 

How are you feeling now?

 

You gave me some good advice that I read a lot...