Random conversation about the past with my boyfriend tonight. HELP!

[crazylove]

I've been dating my boyfriend nearly a year. He is 24 and I'm 26. When Alex and I were first talking back in September of 2010 I didn't know for sure know how into me he was. I had spent the summer going on dates and not really looking for anything serious at the time. There was this one weekend that month that I had a concert I was gonna go to with a friend of mine (Josh) and it was a platonic thing. Josh and I had hooked up once that summer but it was something I knew wasn't going anywhere and since I had been talking to Alex and starting to develop feelings for him I made sure nothing happened the night of the concert with Josh. Sure enough Josh was kind of seeing this other girl and I spent the night at Josh's after the concert cause we had both been drinking but absolutely NOTHING happened. The next night I was with Alex and that was the first time he admitted to liking me etc etc.

 

Well it's been a year and 2 months since the concert with Josh. Alex found out about it because I posted some pictures on facebook and was open about it because we talked about what we had done the night before and I guess I had lied to him and told him I didn't sleep at Josh's that night. I guess Alex had some bad nightmare about me last night and he woke up today to this stupid concert thing bothering him. Tonight he asked me if I had hooked up with Josh that night of the concert and had to tell him more than once "No". I told him I slept over there but nothing happened and apologized for a lie I told him over a year ago. He was kind of upset which made me upset. I asked him "Why are you bringing up something that happened over a year ago before we were anything serious?" and he told me after his dream it just started bugging him all day. I then asked him "Do you trust me? Because if you don't trust me by now we have a problem." And he said he does trust me and he hopes he still can after finding out I lied in the past. I started to get a little defensive and told him I didn't think it was fair of him to ask me all these questions since I never questioned what he was doing when I wasn't around when we were talking back then but I guess I might have set myself up for questions since I was dumb enough to post pictures online and since I was open to talk about it. I wasn't in a relationship at the time and wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

After we talked he felt better but I didn't. I felt really shooken up, was afraid he was going to break up with me and was bothered by him bringing that up now. If it really bugged him and he needed to talk about it than I'm glad he did but now I gotta shake it off. Did I handle the situation ok? Do I need to clear anything else up with him? I worry deep down maybe he doesn't trust me all the way. I asked him "Why are you so afraid to trust other people?" and his response was "Because it's one of the most important things." and I agree but I don't know if him having been left for another guy by the first woman he fell for years ago is the reason. I'm guessing it's part of it.

 

The whole thing just kinda stunk. I don't know if I just let this go and be glad he feels better or try to talk about it more. Suggestions?

[velvette]

I think the problem is, you lied to him about sleeping over that night. that's why he didn't trust you completely -- he was shaken up that you can lie to him, even "that little one over a year ago". so sincerely apologize for that lie and make sure it never happens again. especially as he was betrayed by his gf in the past, it must be a little extra hard! me and my bf make a point never to tell lies to each other, even 'little white lies'.

 

I do suggest talking it out more, letting him know you really are sorry about the lie, though you didn't do anything wrong otherwise, and tell him he can trust you from now on. take full responsibility for that lie, explain as best as you can WHY you lied instead of brushing it off as 'but I didn't do anything wrong anyway'. it was in the beginning, you didn't know him as well, maybe wanted him to have a better impression of you, maybe didn't think he'd believe nothing happened even though nothing happened... idk what you were thinking, but I think a reason might be helpful.

[DN]

I would have a hard time trusting someone who lied to me. I would also not be impressed if she tried to turn the situation round so it was my fault.

[crazylove]

We talked about it on the phone again before we went to bed and He said he just wanted a "clear head about everything." And I asked him how I could do that for him. And he said he didn't know. Then he apologized for bringing it up and I told him I was I was glad that he did and that I would want to know if anything I did was bothering him. I apologized again for my lie and he asked me one more time if I did anything with him that night and I said "No. Why do you keep asking me over and over nothing happened it was completely platonic?" and he said "I don't know it really shouldn't matter either way." And I asked him to just take my word for it.

I mention lastly that "You should be able to tell what kind of girlfriend I am by now since we've been together and I haven't doesn't anything wrong this whole time we've been together." And he agreed.

 

I'm just bummed cause things have been going well and this completely threw me off.

[DN]

Have you told him that you had hooked up with Josh earlier that summer?

[crazylove]

Have you told him that you had hooked up with Josh earlier that summer?

 

No I didn't, I don't really think it's his business as to what I did before I met him. I don't wanna know what he did before he met me.

[DN]

Well, now you have another problem. Is there any way he could find out?

[crazylove]

Well, now you have another problem. Is there any way he could find out?

 

No, there isn't a way he could find out. I don't think I have another problem here.

[velvette]

you're not being completely honest with him then. sure, it's in the past, none of his business--but he's bummed you lied about sleeping over, so if I were you I'd come clean. I feel like he's not just asking whether or not you guys hooked up that night, he's also asking if you ever did hook up with him. and you did. he probably wants to know, the way he keeps asking, suspecting something happened between you guys (and it did). I'm not saying he has the RIGHT to know, since it is in the past, but in a good relationship you should trust him enough to tell him everything, and know he'll accept you anyway. you don't trust him enough to tell him everything, so he can't trust you enough to think you're telling him everything.

 

of course there's variations on models of a good relationship, some couples thrive on white lies so idk. personally it's not for me. I'd rather he hear it from my own mouth anyway, so he gets ALL the facts (including why you only slept with him that once, and then never again--because you met him!).

[crazylove]

He knows I hooked up with him back in college so he knows there is a past there which is why I think he is having a hard time believing nothing happened that night but nothing did so I don't feel guilty. I feel bad I didn't tell him I slept over but now he knows I did and there is nothing I can do to change that now. I don't want to keep bringing this up the next couple days and rehashing old news. He got to the point last night where he really didn't want to talk about it anymore so I'm not going to keep opening an old thing if he wants me to change the subject and move forward with me. I can't just be like "Oh yeah since it was brought up last night I did kiss him once that summer (never had sex with this guy btw) before you but it was no big deal. I'm done bringing it up unless he wants to talk about it more.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[pl3asehelp]

Did you really ask him "Why are you so afraid to trust other people?" ?

 

If so, that sounds like you're manipulating him by trying to take this from an issue about you lying to now accusing him of being 'afraid' and unnecessarily untrusting of you. You lied to him, so he has all the good reason in the world not to trust you. If this is the way you said it, I would talk to him about it again and reiterate that you take responsibility for lying and assure him you made a mistake by asserting that he was afraid to trust you.

[pl3asehelp]

No I didn't, I don't really think it's his business as to what I did before I met him. I don't wanna know what he did before he met me.

 

Now you are just outright lying to your bf. You and this guy have a history that includes sex - that is the reality. You've lied to your boyfriend by describing this guy as your 'friend' and also about sleeping over. Way inappropriate and crossing too many boundaries. If you're going to continue to spend time around men you've had sex with, your current bf has right to know that is the situation - not the lie you've spun up for him where this guy is your platonic friend. When you describe anything about Josh as platonic, you're lying.

[crazylove]

Now you are just outright lying to your bf. You and this guy have a history that includes sex - that is the reality. You've lied to your boyfriend by describing this guy as your 'friend' and also about sleeping over. Way inappropriate and crossing too many boundaries. If you're going to continue to spend time around men you've had sex with, your current bf has right to know that is the situation - not the lie you've spun up for him where this guy is your platonic friend. When you describe anything about Josh as platonic, you're lying.

 

Never had sex with this guy. When I met my current boyfriend nothing was going on with Josh. We had randomly talked one day online about the concert and decided we'd go together. Sure we had history but I knew at the time he was kinda talking to this other girl and knew this wasn't a date situation. I slept over there only because I had been drinking and didn't want to drive home. The concert was planned 2 months prior to meeting my boyfriend now. The only thing I'm to blame for is lying about sleeping there.

[pl3asehelp]

Never had sex with this guy. When I met my current boyfriend nothing was going on with Josh. We had randomly talked one day online about the concert and decided we'd go together. Sure we had history but I knew at the time he was kinda talking to this other girl and knew this wasn't a date situation. I slept over there only because I had been drinking and didn't want to drive home. The concert was planned 2 months prior to meeting my boyfriend now. The only thing I'm to blame for is lying about sleeping there.

 

I think leaving out the fact that you kissed in the past is very relevant. It shows there was a romantic component to the relationship and means it is not a platonic friendship.

[Glowguy]

You are still kind of lying by omission and I think you are trying to blame shift. I think your bf would feel much more reassured if you were completely open about this. I know I would be. Honestly, you are reaping the consequences of your decision to lie and you are holding it against him. That is not fair at all.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

Many years ago when my wife and I first moved in together, she came home from work and said a "friend" of hers came by to see her and she wanted to know if it would be alright if he came over for dinner one night.

 

I asked her point blank if they had ever been intimate. She lied and said no. I could tell she was lying and told her that it would be fine but I would not be there for it. She changed her mind and said maybe it wasn't such a good idea afterall.

 

That was in the mid 90s. A year or so ago the incident came up during an argument and she had "forgotten" her lie and the truth of it came out. I can tell you that little lie haunts me to this day. If she would lie about something so insignificant, what all will she lie about.

 

She has apologized to me for it but the lie is still there.

 

I think you owe it to yourself to come clean with him. I mean, if you really stayed over just due to not being able to drive and it was platonic, why would you lie about that in the first place?

[toby17]

Agree with downward spiral. I was going to write my own post but I think that says it all.

 

The only thing I will add is when you lied about sleeping over at Josh's that night, your boyfriend probably wondered why and probably thought it's because you slept with him. (And the joke is if you had slept with Josh and had told him, he might have gotten over it fairly quickly.) But the lie (which trust me he sensed) would have weighed on his mind - it would have told him he couldn't trust you.

 

The fact that 'nothing' happened actually makes it worse, because if someone will lie to you about something they don't need to lie about, what won't you lie about?