CookieMonster8 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months and I've know all along he isn't the most romantic kind of guy and understand that probably won't change. He has gotten me flowers though on Valentines day and once recently which is awesome and I made sure to show him how much it meant to me. The reason I ask the importance of it is because I'm a super romantic woman who grew up on fairy-tales and chick flicks. (Totally unrealistic, I know) I'm just trying to figure out how important it is to me. I don't expect diamonds and jewelry or super fancy dinners etc but something small gestures here and there would be nice. Is that wrong of me to still hope for that even if I'm with someone who isn't very romantic? Him and I have discussed it because he said once a monthish ago- "You know, I really should get you flowers or even like a teddy bear from time to time." And I told him that would be nice. Thoughts? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I think if you're a really romantic person and want such gestures, you need to find a guy who likes doing those gestures. What you're talking about isn't really "romance". It's just more of the "stereotypical romance". Romance comes in many forms and means different things to different people. I'm probably more like your boyfriend (I'm a girl) and don't really like the whole flowers and gestures. My boyfriend is the same. We don't go out on typical dinner dates and get dressed up and do the whole "pillow talk" thing.He'll make me food though as his "gesture" once in a while and he listens to me and supports me. That's how I know he cares about me. I haven't gotten flowers or cards or candy and I'm fine with that because I didn't grow up wanting that. And that's fine. Since you've told him what it means to you, well, he may just not be the sort who feels comfortable doing that sort of stuff. As long as he respects you and is a good boyfriend, that's what matters. You either need to accept that he's not really the sort to do this much and shows his appreciate in OTHER ways or move on. Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Him and I have discussed it because he said once a monthish ago- "You know, I really should get you flowers or even like a teddy bear from time to time." And I told him that would be nice. Thoughts? Sometimes it's the thought that counts. As for someone who isn't romantic at all you may have a problem. But the question is would that make you happy in a long run to know that the level of romance can also dwindle with time and not actually get better? Personally I think it's very important in any relationship of any length of time being together. After all that's what relationships are about whether someone is more romantic or not. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 It isnt wrong of you to like romantic gestures but when your bf hasnt shown that he is romantic you cant have that expectation of him being romantic. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I think it's as important as you want it to be. I like sweet gestures from time to time, but not over excessively. You need to realize that although your bf may not be romantic, he may still do things from time to time to show you that he cares about you. Perhaps, those are his ways of being "romantic", and not the typical flowers and chocolates. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 As has been said, romance comes in many different forms and only you can decide how you define it, and how important it is to you. I am a huge adversary of expecting people to change for you. HOWEVER, there is room for middle ground here. I think this isn't asking him to change who he is, but asking him to show his love and appreciation for you in a manner that you understand and makes you feel special. Have a bit of a conversation with him about it. It is perfectly reasonable to tell him that those super-romantic gestures mean a lot to you and make you feel special. Be sure to tell him that you appreciate who he is and that you aren't trying to model him into some prince from a Disney movie. Your contribution to the middle ground is to understand how he feels that he shows his love for you, and to show as much appreciation for those acts as for the storybook romantic gestures you crave. Be positive, and make sure that he knows you aren't laying a requirement on him, but just cluing him in to one of your needs. It seems like from him having brought it up that he would be willing. Most guys don't often think about things like that, and although you may have thought you talked about it, for him it may have just been a passing comment that didn't really register - especially since "That would be nice" likely wouldn't register in a male brain as "This is important." Make sure how you feel is clear. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yeah, this is great advice. Everyone expresses themselves differently, so to focus on the gestures is a mistake - it's better to look at the bigger picture, at the other things he does for you to show you what you mean to him. If you think about it, it takes much more time, thought, and effort to cook you a nice dinner at home than to whip out the credit card and buy some flowers or a teddy bear online - the latter really takes no effort at all and is very superficial. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Treat others as you would like to be treated? If you want to be given flowers and teddy bears - what little romantic things to you do for him to reciprocate? Do you hide little love notes in his lunch box? Do you buy him random presents and trinkets because you were thinking of him? I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to do something that you won't (or don't) do yourself. And, really, if he's opening little love notes and getting little trinkets, it's harder to forget... no? Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I'm not a romantic and I would feel pressured if my mate asked me to be. Outside of cheating or abuse, true love means you accept the person as they are, romantic or not. Middle ground? I hate huggy kissy behavior, so I wouldn't ever do that, but surprising someone I love with a dinner out or their favorite movie or cd is more along my lines of behavior. Romance comes in many forms. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 If you want to be given flowers and teddy bears - what little romantic things to you do for him to reciprocate? Do you hide little love notes in his lunch box? Do you buy him random presents and trinkets because you were thinking of him? I give him cards randomly to show him how much I appreciate him and our relationship. I send him texts throughout the week while we work telling him I love him, telling him I miss him etc. And last week I took him out to a fancy Italian Dinner and to Movico to thank him for staying at my parents place with me for the week even though he told me it was unnecessary. The way he shows me romance in other ways is in the little things he does that I do take notice off. He is almost making sure I'm comfortable-if my feet are cold he'll find me socks and put them on my feet. From time to time he'll cook me food. From time to time he'll ask me if I'm happy in terms of our relationship. Although we tell each other we love one another everyday, the one thing he does that always melts my heart is from time to time he will say something like "You know, I really care about you a lot." or "I just want to make you happy and be good to you." When he says stuff like that I know he really means it and that means more to me than any flower or teddy bear could. So I think as long as he keeps doing what he is doing I need to accept the fact that he isn't a card, teddy bear, flower kind of guy. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Then I think you have found your answer, and if that feels right to you go with it. Just don't feel as though you don't have the right to ask for things that matter to you. We make little adjustments to our behavior all the time for the ones we care about. When it becomes a problem is when we try to make someone over into an image of what we think they should be, or what we want them to be. There is a significant difference between telling him that he has to become a storybook prince, and telling him that him bringing you flowers makes you feel good. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Good on you for directly explaining what things you desire. A lot of people can't get past that step. I'd say that there are a few things to do that can make you feel more content with the amount of romance. You can start doing romantic gestures for him. This shouldn't be a one way street and it really puts people in a generous mood when others are generous to them. Stopping by a gas station on the way home from work and picking up his favourite beverage, taking his favourite jacket to the dry cleaners to get it ready for winter, or packing him a brownie for work can take little to no time, cost barely anything, and really make his day. At the same time, be on the look out for little gestures like this. Not all of us think old school romantic gestures like flowers and teddy bears when we are trying to be romantic. And, his style may be so different from what you expect that you could be overlooking the things he is doing that he thinks are romantic. One of the most romantic things my boyfriend ever did for me was bike to my workplace and bring me my rain jacket on a stormy day. Yet, that isn't exactly your stereotype romance. And if the non-old school gestures don't cut it for you and you really do want things like flowers and teddy bears to really feel it, make sure that he knows that. Something like 'be more romantic' can be very vague and lead to a lot of confusion. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 And if the non-old school gestures don't cut it for you and you really do want things like flowers and teddy bears to really feel it, make sure that he knows that. Something like 'be more romantic' can be very vague and lead to a lot of confusion. I have told him recently it's the little things that matter most and that I don't ask for much. I just want to feel special and appreciated and I want him to feel that way too. I try to make sure to do that. It was awesome because we had this work event for him at a hotel Saturday night and I asked him on the drive there if there would be dancing. Later we were both getting ready in our room and I had this beautiful new song on my iPod playing that makes me think of us. He walked over to the lights in the room and dimmed them and came back and took my hand and said "You asked if there'd be dancing." and he started dancing with me right there in the room. It was awesome. It's things like that that mean more to me than anything cause I now know he knows those little gestures are important and it shows me he is trying. He also mentioned later that he'd love to take me on a carriage ride in the city one of these days. Hooray! I'm glad I spoke up. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Congratulations Cookie! Glad it worked out for you! Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Congratulations Cookie! Glad it worked out for you! Thanks so much!! Link to comment
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