Should I be losing any hope of getting back together?

[playstheblues]

Hi all, please find my story here - if you want some background.

 

Basically my ex- boyfriend of nearly a decade broke up with me out of the blue. It has since come to light that he is suffering from depression quite badly but only started taking meds and seeing a psychotherapist about a month ago. I am still feeling devastated and we have just finalized the sale of our property so we now have no more reason to be in contact at all. I've moved away to go and live with my brother and his family just to take some time out.

 

Right now- I feel like my life has ended. I am feeling so worthless And feel pathetic that ive had to take time out of my life, quit my job, leave a city I loved but I really couldn't see an alternative given the state I was in.

 

Living with family is lovely but almost the last decade i lived by myself or with my ex so it is really overwhelming. We have been broken up for about 3 months and he doesn't really know what he is doing I.e. if he wants to try and work things out or not. This confusion is supposedly because of tbe depression but i am becoming impatient. I am feeling so sad that the relationship has ended and still love him very much but don't know what to do.

 

Do I just keep waiting? I think moving away was a mistake because I will be out of sight and out of mind. I am becoming completely overwhelmed by spending the holiday season alone- Christmas and both our birthdays are in December and was always our favorite time of year- we made a big deal out of it and now I'm all alone. He is still in contact with me, though not every day and I am not initiating any contact. He still calls me pet names that he had for me and has said that me moving will not make any difference to our relationship outcome - I.e. Whether we work things out or we don't but all that is fine except he has not said that he wants to get back together. He seems to be going along in his new life and although he says he is sad and things feel weird he hasn't changed his mind and maybe he never will. At this point I feel like I'm never going to heal. I love him and have been prepared to wait but how long is too long? It's been three months and the situation hasn't progressed. Is he waiting until the meds kick in to see if he feels better? Oh god... Any advice welcome.

[jeepman41]

Right now as overwhelmed as you are it is best to just take things one day at a time. If there is hope of being together again you must let go for the time being. You both need time alone to heal and get past this period of your life. If he is suffering from depression it might be a while until he feels like entering another relationship.

[butterflyburn]

As hard as it might be, I hope you can get yourself to a place where you decide to move on. U must give up all hope of reconciliation and keep no contact. He might come or not but at least u shall be fine moving forward by yourself

[playstheblues]

I just wish I knew what he was thinking - why would he still be calling me pet names and contacting me etc. He definitely is not happier since we've split and neither am I. We actually had a really good relationship - of course there were things that could be fixed but generally we got along very well and were best friends. I guess I have to understand that despite the depression he has sacrificed our relationship and has to be happy enough with the possibility of losing me forever, because otherwise he would have tried to reconcile.

[jolbell69]

Dear playstheblues - I feel for you and completely understand your sitauation. It's horrible and so difficult to keep going. BUT, you must!!! What is the alternative???? You can't know what he is thinking, and you don't know if you will ever get back together. You need to take it all a minute, an hour, a day at a time. Believe it will get better because it will. I am 4 months post BU and it still hurts every day, my health is not good and I am so lonely, but I have to keep going. I am sending you hugs!! xx

[playstheblues]

Thanks Jolbell. I hope you are going ok. Do you actually feel like you are getting better? At the moment I am feeling completely upset and overwhelmed. I had some contact with my ex this afternoon which wasn't particularly helpful for me. Do you think that going no contact is helpful? I thought in this situation it wouldn't be particularly great seeing he is depressed but I am really not coping. Sometimes I'm okay and other times like now, I am really losing it. I thought I would be starting to feel better by three months but I'm not at all. I am trying to do things meet up with friends, remove myself from the situation and I thought moving to be with my brother and his family would make me feel empowered, instead I just feel totally lost.

 

This whole moving forward and getting over someone after this much time really isn't as easy as it is made out to be.

[raton44]

I would tell him that while you do like hearing from him, you need to have time for yourself right now after the BU. He is depressed and probably hopes you atill care, so you can let him go with love for now. I wouldn't just ignore him, I would tell him you need this space right now to heal and be abetter person. Of course you don't have to make it sound as emotional...but Personally I wouldn't be curt with him bc of his state right now. But, you keeping in contact at this time is hurting you. He may never come back, so you have to fix yourself now. You can't fix his depression, all you have is YOU. So start taking care of YOU, as he is doing the same. My ex was depressed when he dumped me and needed time to himself. I tried to not pressure him and let him know that he doesn't need to feel guilty for leaving me inorder to work on himself, although I was very hurt. He responded to that really well and said thank you. I know he felt guilty, but I also didn't want to have him feel that way as it would get in the way of his recovery, should we ever get back together

[jolbell69]

I agree with raton. playstheblues - you need some time to focus on you right now. I told my ex that I couldn't talk to him anymore when I felt like you do. I went complete NC for 1 month and it really helped me. I now feel stronger and more able to cope. Of course it still hurts and I still love him, but I am able to look at the future now without fear and desperation. If you explain to your ex that you need time alone - I am sure he will respect your wishes, and if you are polite and thoughtful; you won't necessarily upset him or worsen his depression. Ultimately, you have to think about yourself now, because noone else will....

[playstheblues]

Today I am feeling very fearful and desperate. In actual fact- I probably won't ever see him again if he doesn't decide to get back together because I'm not sure I can go back to the city we both lived in together. He says that he is starting to feel less down (the antidepressants are finally starting to work) but that he doesn't feel settled or anything else. I cannot, for the life of me understand why he doesn't want to try to work out our relationship when there is so much to lose and he is not any happier than before.

 

What will it take for him to change his mind? I feel like 3 months should have been long enough. Maybe he never will and that thought upsets me greatly. He is still contacting me but in the last couple of days I have said a couple of things to him that I shouldn't i.e. expressed how upset I am at the moment and explained that it feels my whole life has ended. I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic and just truly awful. I feel more awful today that I have in a long time. I've spent much of the day crying I thought I was supposed to be getting better= not worse.

 

I went out with friends last night and I left the city we lived in together so I am taking steps to try to make myself better but it seems to be having a reverse effect. I know everyone says that you need to let go and move on but how exactly do you do this? Anyone please help. All I want is to try to work out our relationship because I honestly believe that he was the love of my life and that we had a good, viable, relationship and he thought this too until he became pressured and got depression. Of course our relationship wasn't perfect but it was pretty good. We were best friends, by his admission too.

 

Can anyone tell me at what point it was that they decided to go back to a relationship - both time wise and emotionally? I.e. were you really upset and decided to go back, or did you feel better and still decide to go back because you thought it was the right thing to do? I know it's different for everyone and I know I shouldn't be hanging on this but I would like to know.

[Ms Darcy]

He may never decide to come back, and I think you have to learn to accept this.

 

Because of your pain, you want him to return, but he's not on the same time schedule. Of course he's ok with losing you for now - he BROKE UP WITH YOU and you are still chasing him. He needs a lot of breathing room right now ... to get himself together and to decide if you are what he wants.

 

In the meantime, you CANNOT wait for him. That will only torture you. Cut off contact and start trying to move on.

[playstheblues]

Yes, I do understand that - but moving on is easier said than done. I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure cutting off contact is particularly the best thing to do in this situation though, maybe it is, but I also don't want to leave my ex suffering with no one to contact regarding his depression. It's pretty hard to just switch that off after nearly 10 years of being together.

[jolbell69]

Noone said it would be easy!! We have all been through it playstheblues and that is why we can totally empathise with you. You don't have to cut off all contact, just try to limit it and allow yourself time without hearing from him. You can't switch 'it' off. I can't either. BUT, you can learn to cope with it all, and find a little peace every day. I think because you have moved away to another city; your emotions are heightened right now because you are unsure of whether you have done the right thing. Remember - nothing is permanent, and you can decide to do something else in the future.

 

10 years is a very long time, and 3 months is so little. Try to stop expecting to feel better and let everything come naturally. It's good to cry and grieve. Everything you are feeling is natural, and if you accept that and stop fighting, things might become easier. You will have bad days and better days, and eventually; you will have good days. Relax and breathe.

[Ms Darcy]

Every contact is detrimental for you. While moving on isn't easy, taking certain steps to heal are manageble. Not doing that is clearly prolonging your pain. If someone had a crystal ball and told you that cutting him off for six months would mean he'd come back, would you do it? If so, then it's not about his condition. This contact is your hope to change his mind.

 

He's a big boy. He can and is trying to survive without you.

[playstheblues]

by God, Jolbell, it is excruciatingly hard. Since I've moved I've been feeling completely horrible. I think I am in some sort of denial because no matter how I try, I can't picture my future without him. When I try to think of other options other than the plans we had together, all I can think of is some great big blank and I really don't have any ideas about where to go next. How are you feeling?

 

I think you are right about the contact Ms Darcy. I will go NIC for the time being, because everytime we do have contact, I'm left analysing everything over and over and over. He is nice during contact, asking how I am and when I said that I was having a horrible day, he was empathetic - saying that he knew what that felt like.

 

He has been taking his meds for about 4 weeks now and generally says his condition has improved, but still not feeling completely settled- whatever that is supposed to mean. I genuinely do care about how he is feeling - so if you asked me to cut off contact fox 6 months earlier, I couldn't have done that morally, because he was in a really bad place, and I think it is important to do what I think is the right thing to do, which at the time was be in contact to check on him.

 

Do you think he is just throwing me breadcrumbs by being nice, bringing up old jokes and using the pet names he had for me? I don't know what to think- if I should respond positively (which, on this past weekend I didn't do because I was in a horrible mess one day) or if I should cut off contact. I know I need to start focusing on trying to get over him and I'm just not sure where to start. Is it human nature to wonder 'what if' though?

 

I have to remember that if he wanted to get back together, he would have said so, despite the depression he is feeling.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he realizes what he's doing to you by using the pet names. Yes, they are breadcrumbs, but to make himself feel good for checking in on you. Like, aww, look at our nice memories. It tortures you and comforts him.

[playstheblues]

do you think there is any point of harbouring any hope of reconciling or not? I mean he has said he is unsure whether he wants to work things out or not because he was so depressed and wasn't in the right frame of mind and when I left he insinuated that he was getting himself back on track so that we could get back together, but since that time he has made no real roads to actually getting back together. I know he is only just starting to feel a bit better but I wonder if he now thinks he has made the right decision because the antidepressants are helping to lift his mood?! It's hard to realise that the person I was with for so long and had complete trust for and wanted to spend my life with just isn't the same person anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

do you think there is any point of harbouring any hope of reconciling or not?

 

From a purely logical standpoint, no. But emotions arent logical. After a certain period of time, you'll make the decision to let go of hope if there is no change because it's hurting you.

[playstheblues]

That's so true. And very hard to tell the difference between breadcrumbs and actual contact. I am definitely in NIC which started again today as yesterday I contacted him via text message. In the three months since we have broken up, we haven't gone more than a week without contact and it is not always me doing the contacting, in fact, quite often it is him. I don't know why this is? If he is broken up, surely the point of that is not wanting me in his life- maybe it's different because he has depression.

[jolbell69]

Because he has broken up with you - doesn't mean he doesn't want you in his life. My ex desperately wants to keep me in his life, and he also hasn't made his intentions known with regards to reconciling. I can only tell you that limiting contact will help you feel better eventually. You need to take some control of the situation because your powerlessness is making you feel worse. Tell your ex you will talk to him if he needs anything regarding his depression, but to please give you some space the rest of the time. It will get easier, but you need space. Again, as I said before; try not to think too much about the 'future'. Take it a day at a time. The future will be what it will be - none of us can control that. A future with or without him??? Noone knows... but, it will be a future nonetheless!!

[playstheblues]

Because he has broken up with you - doesn't mean he doesn't want you in his life. My ex desperately wants to keep me in his life, and he also hasn't made his intentions known with regards to reconciling.

 

Oh gosh! I wonder what the reason for this is? SO FRUSTRATING, i'm sure you will agree. My ex thinks that we will always be friends which is not going to happen. You don't end a long term relationship overnight with not even a conversation at the time and then turn into friends.

 

Are you still in regular contact Jolbell? I'm going NIC from yesterday and it is really hard but am going to keep doing it. I'm not sure it is the best method for reconciliation but need to do something... ever since the move I've been really going downhill.

 

I wonder if the NC, NIC, LC rules are different because our exes have depression- does the same psychology apply?

[jolbell69]

It is frustrating, but I'm more accepting of the situation now, so I go with the flow. I don't know about the 'friends' thing, but I am good friends with most of my exes and I am happy with that. However, my most recent ex is the one I hoped to spend the rest of my life with and I loved him much more than the others, so we will see.

 

We are not really in regular contact - perhaps every few weeks, but I am ok with that. At least I have space in between to continue to work on myself. I still have horrible days where I cry and grieve for the relationship, but overall; I much more content and settled now. My anger and denial stages seem to have passed and that is a blessing. I have absolutely no doubt that my ex loves me and he is not looking for another relationship, so LC is ok for us.

 

Every situation is different on this forum, so take the advice you get and move forward in a way that you are comfortable and able to cope. I feel that you will get better with time (it's nearly 5 months for me and my ex), but you do need to set boundaries with regards to space and communication. Be good to yourself - you deserve it!!

[rachel001]

Hey playstheblues,

 

It is really really bad situation for both of you specially for you because you still love him. I don't know he still loves you or not or he just wants to take you as good friend. But dear... for how long? for long you will wait. I really feel bad for you. Now you should start loving yourself. Do one thing. Get the job, start working. I am damn sure things will be better soon.

[AnnaN]

playstheblues,

I am in a similar situation, my ex doen't have depression but he ended the relationship out of th blue because he wants to be alone and focus on other aspects and problems in his life. That's what he told me.

It's been about 20 days, he says he wants to have contact because he cares about me.

 

Now about hope... hope is the only thing that helps me move on. I know this is not good. I am very sad, I can't sleep, eat, work or study. I just do things mechanically the last weeks. I have no other interest but to get him back in my life, I can't think of my life without him. The only moments I feel better are when I read in some forums, or sites about reconciliations, methods to be used etc... this makes me stronger, makes me to go to work or university and do my best, I keep saying to myself that it doesn't deserve to put everything aside because he is not with me right now, he will be again soon. And I feel optimistic and find some motivation for the day.

Deep inside I know that I have no chance, he is gone for ever, but I can't accept it right now, I need this hope these difficult days, I feel that I will be lost if I lose it. I am scared thinking that a day will come when I realize that there is no hope...

[playstheblues]

Annan - very sorry to hear your story. I am not sure what advice to give you, because I'm in a bit of a pickle myself and don't know whether what I would be telling you would be the best for you, or motivated by my own experiences.

 

A lot of people would tell you to stop having hope- but I know that is impossible, and if it is the only thing getting you through the days, then as long as you can wean yourself off bit by bit, then I guess that is ok?? I just hope it isn't a really horrible time when the hope is lost.

 

I still have hope but I'm trying to talk myself out of it but then again, I'm really worried about everything.

 

Jolbell, you do sound stronger than when you first started posting here and you are certainly giving me some good advice and strength, so thank you for that! I'm really happy that you are a little more settled, even if you aren't back to your self entirely. I don't know you are going weeks without contact - very strong! I'm on day 3 and really not going that well with it all. It consumes my thoughts even when I try my best to get busy and do other things. It is very positive sign for you that ex is definitely not looking for another relationship - that must also give you strength and if you were to reconcile, it means there isn't that added complication.

 

I'm not sure if my ex is looking for someone else. When we seperated, he moved into a house with people and he is partying with them (despite the depression- silly silly move) so I'm really worried they are going to convince him that 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else) I know some of his friends have expressed that sentiment to him. He says I shouldn't worry about that- as I listed it to him as a concern when I left, but I just can't help it. Maybe he will find some amazing girlfriend that is perfect (ha ha - at least for the first few months) and forget all about me. Maybe this fear isn't entirely rational but it does concern me.

 

Do you think it is a good idea for me to not be in contact? Or o you think this could have negative consequences regarding reconciliation. My ex seems to be so sure that we will be in contact in the future, but this is not going to be the case if we don't reconcile. Are you initiating contact or is your ex?

[jolbell69]

OK - I never recommended no contact. This is just my opinion, but in your situation I believe limited contact is the way to go. Look - your ex is probably not looking for someone else, but under peer pressure; he may be tempted. BUT - believe this - whatever he does will mean nothing and will not be a reflection of his feelings for you. He was with you 10 years and he loves you still - he can't just switch it off. You need to take some time out for you now - see what else is in the world apart from your ex. I am not saying you should be with other men, but you should go out and see that guys are attracted to you. You are beautiful - I am sure of this. Share your beauty with the world and see what happens - I promise it will make you feel better. 'The future isn't ours to see', so have fun with it. You also sound stronger and I believe you (and I) will make it - whatever happens....