It can't really be over can it?

[wannadoitright]

Hi, I really need help as I am slowly losing it. I have been dating this guy for 3 months. He is 37 and I am 23. He is a medical resident and also has a son that lives with his mother about 5 hours away. The relationship started off pretty great with him showing me such an awesome time and us spending time together. Lately, he has been so busy with work and he goes to see his son every other weekend. At the beginning stages, he used to make it a point to see me as soon as he got back but as time went on things just kept getting in the way. In the entire 3 months we've been together, our time spent together is usually him coming to sleep over at my house and bolting out first thing in the morning--about twice a week. We never spent a single weekend together because he is either on call or when he isn't, he goes to visit his son. My birthday was a month ago and it was terrible. He forgot his phone at the hospital and I had no idea what happened even though he had asked me to brunch. I spent the whole day crying because I couldn't get a hold of him and I was so mad. I guess with him being away so much and us not spending time together I began to doubt if he was even into the relationship.

 

Last weekend, he was away for Halloween with his son and he got back on Monday night. I had the expectation that we were going to see on Tuesday but he didn't call or text me the entire day. I eventually called him at night and I was clearly upset and he was very defensive and started narrating to me how bad his day was. All I wanted was a text or something. We ended up not seeing each other the entire week and that hurt me so bad and made me really doubt if he was invested in the relationship. He asked me to come over to the hospital where he was on call on Saturday to see him but I felt that he was just squeezing me in when it was convenient for him. He usually complained about how far it was to get to me from where he works during the week and that just hurt me cause I expected that if he wanted to see me bad enough he'll try at least once a week. It always seemed that he saw me only when he had something to do around where I live. Anyway, I went to see him yesterday after telling him via text how I always felt like the "2nd bird"---from the saying "kill two birds with one stone". He really downplayed my feelings and always made me feel troublesome when I tried to tell him that I wasn't happy with the way things were. The relationship was too shallow and it was all about him sleeping over at my house once a week on average without any other meaningful activity. May I add that we never talk over the phone and exchange maybe 6 texts a day or less.

 

During the time at the Hospital (in the residents lounge), he felt so distant. I eventually fell asleep and left very early the next morning. I was hoping that before he signed out of work he'll text me or at least stop by to see me cause I am 5 minutes away but he just never does! Later that evening I got so emotional cause I felt that he just wasn't into the relationship. I then texted him that "I can't do this anymore" and by "this" I meant "us". He was angry that I did it by text. I called him today and he told me how he had planned for us to see a show tomorrow and that I ruined it. He bought tickets for my birthday and again for tomorrow to make it up to me but I just didn't know he was even thinking about me like that! icon_sad: He said he was over it and that he wanted us to try a bit longer and he sees that I don't think it is worth it and he blocked me from calling or texting him. I really regret what I did but he never showed any real signs that he even really cared about me or made me feel special. He even said to me last week Wednesday that he didn't want to hang out with me because I was being all mad and moody but that was only because I missed him so much over the weekend and he ignored me for the whole day when he got back. Now he is not talking to me and I can't call him or text him. His brother told me he left the city to see his son even though he was supposed to leave on Wednesday morning and he would be gone the entire week. I am not even sure how I feel anymore. I called with every single phone I could lay my hands on and e-mailed him a bunch of times but he isn't even responding. I have gone as low as I can and now I just don't know what to do or how to feel.

 

Have I been overly selfish? I would have been more understanding if I was not in so much doubt of his commitment as we spent very little time together. What should I do next? I am such a mess. I had to skip classes all day and I'm in such a bad emotional state cause I feel like I ruined it all. Advice? comments? thank you all

[Captain Obvious]

Youre not being selfish because it is what you want out of a relationship, sadly hes not going to provide that for whatever reason really. You didnt even get to spend that much time with him, move on.

[Lavender25]

Ask yourself this: would your ideal relationship make you feel like this?

[Lithp]

I'm kind of stuck on this one... On one hand, the guy is on his way to becoming a doctor, and on top of this, he has a son. These are two things that are very time consuming and require a lot of attention, which unfortunately may not leave much time to spend maintaining a relationship. However much he may like you, he's pursuing a career that would provide a secure future for his son and whatever family he may have down the road - this is something that's very important for him to focus on. To put either of those aside for someone he's only been dating a few months would be foolish.

 

On the other hand, you know what you're looking for in a relationship. You guys have only been together three months - this is the time that you should be all over each other and you barely spend time together. If you need more from the relationship unfortunately, given the above paragraph, that may not happen. So you'll either have to settle for being third in his list of priorities for now, or leave to find someone who can give you what you're looking for.

[foolmeonce]

RUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! as fast as you can....

[wannadoitright]

So what should I do? He is mad that I broke up with him and the thing is though I wasn't happy I think I did it cause I was so depressed yesterday. He is doing his next set of rotations 5mins from where I live and he had sort of been postponing me because he assumed we were going to have all this time together but then I couldn't stop thinking about after those 7 weeks. He gave me no hope that he'll try for me when he wasn't 5 mins away. It just seemed so much like a thing of convenience. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow and he had plans for us but I feel like I ruined it all. I just didn't think he was invested in the relationship. Now I can separate if what I am feeling is guilt or if I truly believe he valued me. I am just so confused. I have gone low today. ENAers would be ashamed of me for the number of times I have called and texted him. I even told his brother to try to talk to him for me. Guys how bad is this? Did I really hurt him or is he just over reacting? I really wanted him to act like he'd miss me somewhat and didn't want me to break up. This has all blown up in my face. He freaking BLOCKED me! I feel so pathetic. I am so sad and distraught. Gosh, I feel low and very sick.

[Batya33]

I think he needs to be with someone with an equally hectic schedule or someone who can totally understand why his dating time is so very limited -and not only understand but admire his passion for his career and his son.

[wannadoitright]

I do admire it. I just didn't know if he really liked me or he was just using me to fill in a girlfriend position. I didn't want to get hurt. I was so unhappy cause it felt like he didn't even really care that much.

[Batya33]

I don't think your expectations of him are realistic given his situation and lifestyle. I'm not sure he should be trying to have a serious relationship but I think he's probably giving you as much time as he can.

[gluestick]

Relationships cannot last, let alone develop, if it isn't treated as a top priority by both partners. If he cares about you, he would make time to see you.

 

I'm sorry but his job and his son would always come first. I don't think you're selfish at all. It is perfect fine to desire a relationship where you spend lots of time together with your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this guy is unable to provide that for you right now.

[Lithp]

He is a 37 year old doctor with a son - he probably thought that you would be a little more understanding of his situation, and when you broke up with him because you felt like he wasn't give you enough attention, more than likely that did hurt him because he was probably giving you as much attention as he could.

 

The field he's in is exceptionally demanding - emotionally, physically, and mentally. On top of this he has a child, and children are also demanding - emotionally, physically, and mentally. This guy has a lot on his plate and most likely, hearing from someone that they don't want to be with him because he's not giving them enough, when he probably doesn't have that much left to give at the end of the day, would be a deal breaker. You would think going into this you would know he wouldn't have as much time to give you as you'd normally be used to in a relationship and thus be a little more understanding.

 

If he'll talk to you I would apologize for your behaviour and explain that you were having a rough time not seeing him as often as you'd like. If you want to stay with him though, unfortunately you are going to have to settle for what he's able to give. If it was anything else I would expect him to compromise, but it's his career and child - you can't ask him to cut back on those for you.

[wannadoitright]

How do you block someone you claimed to care about? I tried to make it right. e-mailed him, texted him, called him. How could he have blocked me from his phone???

[Arabella314]

I don't think you were wrong on what you did. That's how you felt at that moment and you spoke your feelings out of hurt and anger. Why he's acting like a jerk about it, I don't know and I don't think that he should have blocked you or ignored you for speaking your feelings. As hard as it might be & I know it's gonna hurt like hell but I think you should back off with the emails. He hasn't answered back and if you keep on it just might make him think bad stuff like you're a stalker or something. Some guys can be dumb like that. If really did care, he'll reach out to you. Learn from my mistakes, never chase after a guy that doesn't want to be chased. It might just backfire on you