AnnaN Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 So my bf broke up with me because he wanted to be alone and figure out things in his life, it happened all of a sudden. Anyway, he said he loves me, cares about me and wants to have some contact. I went NC for a week, then called him, had a brief convo (nothing about crying, begging, asking for answers). The day we broke up he said he wants us to contact some times and he'd like me to call him at his birthday (in a few days). What do I do? Is there a way to contact him but making clear that somehow it is something typical and I am not interested in anything else? In case I don't contact him, he may think I am angry with him or that I didn't on purpose to make him wonder or that I was weak and wasn't strong enough to do it. I don't want him to believe such things. I wouldn't be thinking of it if he hadn't asked me to. What's your opinion? I was thinking to take a middle road, like no calling him but texting him a cool and distanced 'happy birthday' thing. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 If you must, do it in a text. Calling him will show that you're still hanging around like a puppy and he has all the control - a text message is a near mindless thing and doesn't show the same consideration of sitting down and taking time to make the call. I think you would want him to know that you're acknowledging his birthday, but you're not going out of your way to do so. He broke up with you - he doesn't get all the perks of being in a relationship without actually being in one. I wouldn't even bother with the text, personally. If you do, I would go back to No Contact after that. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 From your other posts I think you are looking for an excuse to break no contact because you aren't ready to let go. What do you wish to gain from texting him "happy birthday"? How would you feel if he didn't reply? Why do you want to text him, is it just because you think he wants you to? Link to comment
soybeans Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 My ex's birthday is coming up too. Only our breakup was a lot different than yours, I've established NC in addition to de-friending him from facebook. So we aren't on speaking terms. This makes it easier for me to make the decision not to wish him a happy birthday because at this point, as cruel as it sounds, I really don't even want him to have a happy birthday. I am miserable and broken, and for what he did to me, he doesn't deserve any well wishes from me. It's not like if we were even together, it would mean much anyway. I guess if you truly think he will benefit from your wishes, then I would consider doing it. But in my case, I know he will have many other friends who apparently mean more to him than I ever did to say it to him. For me to reach out like that would go against what I have been trying to do, which is to cut him out of my life. If you want to reconcile with him one day, then I suppose it would make sense for you to do so. It all depends on what your intentions are. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 The day we broke up he said he wants us to contact some times and he'd like me to call him at his birthday (in a few days). What do I do? Don't do it! What gives him the rights to call the shots? He broke up with you as he wanted space.... So give him the space he so desperately wanted and don't do it! I'll say it again AnnaN, don't let him keep you on the sidelines... You deserve more! Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 I don't think he wants me to contact him. But he mentioned that there is no need for bitter feelings, he wants to have some contact and wish him a happy birthday. That's what he said. I don't want to gain anything from this and breaking NC. That's why I don't want to call him and think of sending a simple happy birthday text so that he doesn't believe that although I know about his birthday I ignore him because I am weak, angry, I find it difficult or whatever. So I want to wish him but show it is not a big deal. At this point the break up is very recent and I want to reconcile but not now, I want to move on, NC, and who knows about the future? I may not care if he ever comes back soon. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I do think that regardless of what people advice you here, you will contact him anyway! If thats the case, just make it a simple happy birthday, no kisses etc. And don't get into a conversation with him if he does reply. Also, I would suggest that after hitting the send button, put your phone down and go and busy yourself with something else, hang out with friends or whatever to stop you checking your phone every 5 seconds for a reply that may never come. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 I really don't know what to do... I either text him a simple message... or I call him, be brief and cool and just wish him. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't break NC, but in this case I want to show him that I have no bitter or sad feelings or anger so I am not contacting him. And I don't want to ruin any chance to reconcile if there is one, in the future. I think with nc in this case I will ruin it, the same if I contact and say or write the wrong things. What do you think? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I think you should contact him as he has asked for you to do so. So you probably should. But I also think you sell yourself short. You won't ruin any chances of reconcilation if you sit down and determine what you will put up with and what you won't. You don't seem to want to look like your dominant in your ex's eyes. Well don't be afraid of that. You can start calling the shots too you know. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I'd buck up and stop making anything about what he wants. I'd do what's best for ME, and I'd skip him. He knows how to reach you if he ever decides that he was an idiot and wants you back. Respect your Self. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I would do exactly as Catfeeder has said. You broke up, he is not your boss and you deserve to be treated better. Link to comment
happymeboy Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 what the hell do u care what he thinks of it ? if u feel like calling or texting just do so...its a nice gesture though i wouldnt do it...when its over better leave it as it is Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 I don't want to do anything to get him back right now. I just don't want to do something that will ruin the chance to come back in case he will ever want it. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 he doesn't hold any hope, he made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to be with me. And I lost any hope I had... He told me to do it when I feel ready This is what you posted yesterday. Having said that, you would only be stooping to a new level by allowing him to dictate when you can contact him. Instead of playing right into his hand, you need to stand up for yourself in the form of silence. If he has any respect for you, he'll hear it loud and clear. Link to comment
MarnDark Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I don't want to do anything to get him back right now. I just don't want to do something that will ruin the chance to come back in case he will ever want it. Would you really want to be with someone who would have their decision based on something as insignificant as a birthday wish? Link to comment
LightInTheSky Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 ok i had the exact same problem a month ago and i was in what seems like the same frame of mind as you are now. I didn't want to get back together any time soon, but i didn't want to close any possible future options. I was in a HUGE debate with myself as to weather or not i should say happy birthday to him, it was 3 weeks after our break up and i had been in strict NC. In the end I decided I didn't want to come off as spiteful or bitter (because even if we never reconcile i didn't want to be known as the bitter ex lol) so i sent him a very simple, nice text, it said "Happy Birthday and that was it! don't over do it, keep it light. As i sent it I realized that i didn't mind if he didn't respond. I didn't hang out by my phone waiting, he did eventually text back "Thanks and that was it, i didn't reply. If you can truly look at yourself in the mirror and believe that you will not be devastated if he doesn't respond then go for it, BUT if him not responding (it is a possibility) will set you back then hold off and at a later date when you are in a better place, let him know your sorry you missed his birthday and you hope it was a good one. Link to comment
happymeboy Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Again, there is nothing wrong with sending a happy birthday note, very sweet and polite gesture.It also shows no bitterness and that you wish well to the other person whether you want them back or not in your life. I wouldn't think much about it. If he doesn't reply then that is his problem and obviously below your level. Keep it short and clear, emotions out and don't invite yourself!! What a coincidence...today's my ex birthday and she already called 3 times, left 1 voice mail telling me i am invited tonight and why the hell i didn't call to wish her happy birthday...She just broke up with her rebound relationship...i already see where is this heading to and really not interested... We humans tend to appreciate things more when they are gone...nothing new, really. Back to you...be always good and kind to people who cared or loved you and if so,then send him the happy birthday wish, nothing wrong with that...in my opinion Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 My ex's birthday is coming up, no contact for 5 weeks going on 6 weeks. Someone please cut off my hand if I even think about saying anything to him. He did not want me to be a part of his life. He got his order... moving on however hard! Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Thank you! That's what I'm going to do, send a simple text like 'Happy birthday, have fun tonight" and that's it! I know he will text back a simple thanks, I don't even care. It will be 10 days of NC (unless he breaks it earlier, not possible) and about 20 days after bu... Link to comment
happymeboy Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 ...and if he doesn't reply you will see how easier gets the moving on...the more ugly they behave the easier will be for you to forget about them...and dont get stuck on one single person, start smiling and start looking for some happiness to ease whatever pain might be left over... Link to comment
happymeboy Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 we keep bumping into each other butterflyburn anyways, last time i was in your situation was some years ago and i decided to send happy birthday message. Her reply : "i hate you for being so nice to me when i really don't deserve it. you really know how to pull the trigger!!". Trust me, he will come accross same thought. My ex's birthday is coming up, no contact for 5 weeks going on 6 weeks. Someone please cut off my hand if I even think about saying anything to him. He did not want me to be a part of his life. He got his order... moving on however hard! Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 we keep bumping into each other butterflyburn anyways, last time i was in your situation was some years ago and i decided to send happy birthday message. Her reply : "i hate you for being so nice to me when i really don't deserve it. you really know how to pull the trigger!!". Trust me, he will come accross same thought. Yeah happymeboy, u stalking me. Wink wink. I cannot be caught dead wishing him a happy anything. I read the guidelines and took them to heart i.e. never contact unless there is a life threatening situation. Besides, he did not wink at my birthday why should I gloat over his... Last year I sent him a lovely something. Let us wait and see who will send him a lovely something this year. I love moving on and seeing clearly... Link to comment
happymeboy Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Butterflyburn...a woman on a mission...I like that Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 His birthday is tomorrow... I have almost decided just to text him a simple 'happy birthday' message. But my friends told me to call him... because if not, he may think that the door is closed. Of course it is closed, HE closed that door. I don't want to call him, I know he will answer and be polite etc but I don't feel ready to listen to him. And I found out that what he told me about being single, and alone focusing on other stuff is true, He only goes to work and then home (he lives with his family, so he can't have visitors...) I shouldn't try to find this out, I know, but I needed some answers he never gave to me. Link to comment
jeepman41 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 His birthday is tomorrow... I have almost decided just to text him a simple 'happy birthday' message. But my friends told me to call him... because if not, he may think that the door is closed. Of course it is closed, HE closed that door. I don't want to call him, I know he will answer and be polite etc but I don't feel ready to listen to him. And I found out that what he told me about being single, and alone focusing on other stuff is true, He only goes to work and then home (he lives with his family, so he can't have visitors...) I shouldn't try to find this out, I know, but I needed some answers he never gave to me. When someone breaks up with you it signifies they don't want you and they don't want a relationship with you. I would avoid any contact personally. They are not in a relationship and do not deserve any of the perks. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.