Online dating - is it too soon?

[northpickle]

Hi all, I just would like some advice and / or for people to share their experiences.

 

I'm just over 2 months after the break-up, and am beginning to accept things are over and have been trying to move on. I've just registered with an online dating website but haven't filled in my profile properly yet.

 

The reason I'm posting is that I'm unsure whether I'm doing the right thing because:

 

a) I'm nowhere near being over the ex

b) I've never used a dating website before and don't know what to expect and

c) I'm not interested in a relationship right now BUT

 

I would like to expand my social circles, the ex and I have a lot of mutual friends and I want to make new friends, do new and different things with different people. Not that I will leave my old friends behind, but things are still too raw and I know to move on I need to start having things to look forward to without the chance of the ex being there.

 

So, in brief, is registering with a dating website a good or bad thing? Would it work to meet new people as long as I'm honest with people that I am just looking for friendship right now? Or will I just get a lot of guys coming on too strong, either wanting sex or a serious relationship when I just want to slowly start expanding my social life, although hopefully down the road one day I will find love again?

 

Any help appreciated. Thanks

[Notagoodninja]

The only thing I see wrong about jumping into relationships when you're not fully over your ex is that first of all it's NOT FAIR to the other person you are trying to date. You are broken...

You don't want to jump into a new relationship all broken up over some other guy...it's not fair if the new person is a good person that deserves your un-broken heart

Try to work on yourself a little bit first and healing before you get too serious.

However ...also...when you are hurting it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo EASY to believe you've fallen in love quickly with someone else! EVERYONE starts looking like a 10 when maybe they are just a 5. Do you know what I am saying? When you're hurt everyone is gonna look good cause they are a shoulder to cry on You're gonna start getting strong feelings for men and you may even feel like you're in love but remember you're still broken you still need to get over your ex before moving on into something serious. Also guys pick up on that crap like crazy. They target hurting, broken women so they can have meaningless sex with you. If you're OK with a Friend with benefits then by all means go for it, as long as you know a lot of men may just try to use you because you're broken and men pick up on that kind of thing...

 

Anyway so just be careful with your heart when you go out there...

[northpickle]

Hey brokenhearted

 

Yeah, I see what you're saying, I've already had quite a few male "friends" trying to chat me up. I say friends, they obviously fancy me in some way! But I'm really not interested in either a relationship, dating or just sex with anyone. I suppose it would be nice to just meet new people with no expectations. My social circle is just so intertwined with the ex, we like to do similar things and go to the same places. I need to do new things I guess. If I'm honest with people from the beginning, maybe it would work? I'm just unsure.

 

Oh, and I've already been matched with somebody I know, one of the lads I was out with on Friday night, haha! He won't know it's me as I haven't put a photo or many details on there yet. I'm so tempted to tell him, haha!

[Notagoodninja]

You know what's weird? Like, guys come out of the WOODWORK when a girl is hurt, its like a scent lol.

I've had sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many guys look at me or try to get close to me in the past 3 weeks than I've had in YEARS it's like they can smell my vulnerability a mile away i'm serious!!! But I don't want to get hurt anymore. I am not interested. I am tired of being hurt!

 

Oh about that guy no don't tell him lol. Guys get weirded out easily. Remain a mystery to him do not tell him

[dabbledave]

EVERYONE starts looking like a 10 when maybe they are just a 5.

 

I'm the opposite. In my eyes my ex is the most beautiful woman in the world so that now everyone else look like a 5 even if I might normally perceive them to be a 10. When I first met my ex I thought she was very plain. Love goggles ...

[donpeel83]

Just be careful if you yourself are saying your not ready. The last thing you want to do is to hurt someone or lead someone on. Dating sites though can be a cracking way to get your mojo and confidence back if either are on the low side. But, some of these sites allow you to makeit clear what your intent and interests are, so as long as your up front and honest you should be ok.

[dabbledave]

I would like to expand my social circles,

 

I'm not a particularly sociable person, so I don't practice what I'm about to suggest, but perhaps there are better ways to expand your social circle than entering onto the online meat markets. Interest groups, volunteer organisations, social clubs, sporting clubs, etc, might be viable options for you.

[northpickle]

I'm the opposite. In my eyes my ex is the most beautiful woman in the world so that now everyone else look like a 5 even if I might normally perceive them to be a 10. When I first met my ex I thought she was very plain. Love goggles ...

 

I can understand this, my ex is beautiful! Well, he is to me anyway, stunning green eyes and a body I went crazy over, I have never been so physically attracted to somebody in my life! We were friends before we got together and I suppose I did fancy him a bit (but didn't think too much about it) but when we started dating - WOW! Such strong attraction!

 

Just be careful if you yourself are saying your not ready. The last thing you want to do is to hurt someone or lead someone on. Dating sites though can be a cracking way to get your mojo and confidence back if either are on the low side. But, some of these sites allow you to makeit clear what your intent and interests are, so as long as your up front and honest you should be ok.

 

Yeah, the profile settings allow you to write a great deal about yourself so I could be quite honest that I am just looking for friendship. I'm not putting a photo or writing about myself just yet, I'm still debating whether to go ahead and see what happens or whether to not bother with it all. That's why all your opinions help. Thank you

[northpickle]

I'm not a particularly sociable person, so I don't practice what I'm about to suggest, but perhaps there are better ways to expand your social circle than entering onto the online meat markets. Interest groups, volunteer organisations, social clubs, sporting clubs, etc, might be viable options for you.

 

Meat markets, haha! I like that. I see exactly what you're saying, and I do have interests already (I'm starting to volunteer next week and I'm active in a political organisation but I think what I'm missing is fun things to do on the weekend. I'm at home with my daughter during the week so can't socialise then. I'm missing going out to places, art galleries, museums, the countryside - anything! that I used to enjoy doing with the ex.

[Notagoodninja]

For some reason dating just seems super boring to me right now.

I know I get all high and mighty and on my high horse cause I'm embarrassed and since my ex is prob out screwing girls. But that doesn't mean I have to do it. It doesn't mean it's nec wrong if he does it, we're not together and I Am not responsible for his decisions,

but for my own self I think the healthy thing is to fix myself or I will just always attract unhealthy relationships into my life,cause I am constantly attracted to the wrong kind of men! And nothing will ever work if I dont fix whatever it is attracting me to them in the first place.

In the last few weeks I've gotten back into football, gone to a game tonight

I started working on getting my girlfriends back into my life, we went out a couple times for drinks/food and to spend girl time together, it was super great!

I go up the mountains for drives by myself and it gives me time to think. I am gonna try to focus more on my own hobbies, I love to shoot so yesterday I was thinking about that and looking up sites online to find cheaper ammo.

It's natural to want to appease to the opposite sex for approval when we are feeling low. It's not bad to flirt. But to just go date around may get you hurt Just sayin...

For me it's enough to have guys looking at me again, turning their necks around to stare, I haven't gotten attention in a really long time. And it helps me. But I don't need to go screw those guys or get involved with them.

 

Anyhew we're both big girls and big enough to know what we want it's not like these are our first loves

[BlueRose66]

Northpickle, Dabbles suggestions are good as far as groups of people who share your same interests. I think the key is to be out and about with others. If you think its too soon, then it is too soon. If I were you, I would wait until you KNOW it is time. If you knew it was time you wouldnt be asking us.

[northpickle]

Hi, yes, I completely agree with you, I've disabled my account for the time being. I guess I'm just mourning the loss of my relationship still and trying to fill the void. As I said, I really don't want a new relationship, dating or sex right now. Just a new social life. There must be better ways to get one than dating sites. I just want to meet new people.

 

Urgh, I bet the ex isn't having all these thoughts and problems! Spending time with him was the best thing ever and I just want to eventually start enjoying myself again

[Notagoodninja]

Good for you! Find yourself first

[Dubb]

I'm glad you decided to disable. It's not cool to use others and possibly hurt them to get over your pain. I honestly believe when girls do that karma comes and wrecks them anyway.

[Springs]

Probably the best idea, north pickle. I can't even consider being with anyone else right now. I hope it doesn't stay that way for too long, but I can't even imagine being attracted to another man, and certainly not in the way I was attracted to my ex. I feel he has such a large piece of my heart, and all I am left with are a few shreds...how could I offer those to someone else??

 

Meeting new people is hard. I find that most people already have their networks so even though there are people I am friendly with here, they all have their own lives and I don't really have any close friends in this city. All my good friends are back at home, a flight away. I am going to join a few classes but it is definitely hard going from the security of a relationship to being out there in the big bad world all by yourself! I don't know about you but this break up has taught me a massive lesson not to neglect the people who WON'T leave. The ones who will stay are the ones you should focus all your energy on. I definitely neglected my good friends and family because I was so caught up living my happy little life with my ex. But he left me high and dry, and guess who is there to pick up the pieces..the ones who really care. Big lesson. So confide in old friends, and family at this time, it will help.

[catfeeder]

If you don't want to repeat a cycle of investing in people who are bad for you, then dating through the goggles of grief is a lousy idea.

 

Giving yourself time to explore life with a commitment to investing in goals and interests beyond latching onto someone else will teach you a passion for living that nobody else can shake from you. It takes time to reach that place of solidity, but attempting to date from any other place is a ride on the same old ride. Same old motivations. Same blinders.

 

Find your solo passions first, then you'll be strong enough to allow only good potential matches into your life.

[BlueRose66]

If you don't want to repeat a cycle of investing in people who are bad for you, then dating through the goggles of grief is a lousy idea.

 

Giving yourself time to explore life with a commitment to investing in goals and interests beyond latching onto someone else will teach you a passion for living that nobody else can shake from you. It takes time to reach that place of solidity, but attempting to date from any other place is a ride on the same old ride. Same old motivations. Same blinders.

 

Find your solo passions first, then you'll be strong enough to allow only good potential matches into your life.

 

Perfect for me to hear too!!

[Notagoodninja]

Goggles of grief! That's awesome I love that hehe

[Notagoodninja]

I'm glad you decided to disable. It's not cool to use others and possibly hurt them to get over your pain. I honestly believe when girls do that karma comes and wrecks them anyway.

 

Dubb! Karma has wrecked ME that's how I know Karma is real and I would not wish it upon ANYONE and rebounding is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[northpickle]

Thanks for all the replies. I certainly wouldn't want to hurt anybody else and to hurt myself any more would be foolish.

 

Springs, I understand what you're saying completely. Because I was friends with the ex beforehand, I feel like a lot of my social life has been cut off to me, because it just feels weird at the moment to hang out with people connected to him. Although some of them are as much my friends as his, I kind of joined that group of people after he did and a lot of people seem to be more friendly with him than with me! I want more social opportunities than ones he is or may be involved in. In time maybe I can go there again, but I want to stay away for now. The friends who have supported me through the break-up are people who only know the ex through ME and were my friends beforehand.

 

Thank you catfeeder, I do have my own passions but neglected many of them while in the relationship for some reason. I used to like knitting and cross-stitch for example, haven't really done that since I got with him and I'm not sure why, I only saw him a couple of days and nights a week, it's like my whole world revolved around him even when we weren't together. Like I was always waiting for him to get in touch and like nothing else mattered, I was so into him! Really strange. I kept up my political passions whilst in the relationship however and am still involved with that.

[Notagoodninja]

There's nothing wrong with being alone! I love being alone! Don't get me wrong I love being in a relationship more! BUT not while I'm a wreck

Take time to take care of yourself, find happiness. Do the things you love to do ...like you said-

If the law of attraction is real...you are only going to attract a male also on the rebound. Instead focus on becoming satisfied in yourself and then you can fully give your HEALED heart to another HEALTHY person

[Thorshammer]

You can go out on dates and just test the waters. Have fun flirting, meeting people, and expanding your friends-list. You dont have to jump into anything, you dont even really need to expect anything. Just have fun, for one date, one diner, one movie, or a few.

[Notagoodninja]

Yeah Thor is right also. I am just trying to say don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't go getting married. Haha

but yeah if you're bored and lonely I guess you may as well go see a movie with someone or go do something......why not.....................eh

[northpickle]

I am just trying to say don't wear your heart on your sleeve.

 

This is EXACTLY what I do, haha! I'm so emotionally open, not just romantically but with everything. But it takes me a long time and a lot for me to fall in love usually, this last relationship was completely unlike anything I have experienced before, a complete whirlwind. But I still love him very much and I think if I was to "meet" someone online and maybe in time meet them in person, I would still feel like I was emotionally cheating on the ex in some ways, and I would be comparing the new person to him. So I don't think I'm ready to "date" yet, not for a long time.

 

Maybe I should look at the people I do already know and start building up those friendships? I do know a lot of people but most I would describe as acquaintances rather than friends.

[AngelAmber]

i was just thinking northpickel im sure there must be websites that are honestly just for making frends and perhaps ones with people who are looking to start activity groups - like hiking or pottery or art in a park or something like that then theres no false expectations as its not a dating website, u could make friends with new people and even potentially find a new hobby u enjoy?