will she leave me today?

[ISTHATDAVE]

Hi,

 

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 4.5 years. We've had a rough year and Ive not helped by not supporting her enough with her career aim after she completed her degree course and got a really great result. This has ended with increasingly intense arguing betweeen us as we both feel stuck and really frustrated with each other wanting somewhat different things. Theres also a nine yr age gap shes 24 Im 33.

 

She has said various things about wanting space to think. She said last week she wants to move out and spend 6 months living apart and no contact during the first month or so. she says that if I love her then I will do this for her! She says various things like she loves me but the spark has been affected because of the arguing, which is fair although I dont want her to go. Shes been increasingly spending time away with friends and her brother and now increasingly spending nights away. She says we will probably get back together after the 6 months or maybe sooner, as she still loves me, but I feel shes letting me down gently. She continually says she needs to live alone to find herself and give herself a chance to miss me.

 

She went away this weekend and I honoured what she asked and didnt contact her for 3 days and she of course didnt check in with me either. Feels so strange.

 

Shes coming back tonight (she said she was anyway) and Im very scared what to do or say and what will happen now. Ive never been good about leaving her space and this clearly has led to her feeling suffocated and controlled and this weekend I actually managed it for once, so in a way im hoping she may have taken that as a positive even in a small way.

 

I would like her to stay and we try to work things out rather than break up our home together. Even if that means her having lots of time like this weekend to feel better.

 

What should I do, what should I expect to happen now (think I know this?)

[camus154]

It's over. Sorry man, but when a woman tells you she wants "space" and that she wants to move out, it's over.

 

You guys can drag this out as long as you'd like, but in the end it's going to amount to the same thing. Good luck.

[gingerlemon]

I agree with camus. The best thing you can do is let her go and get on with YOUR life. I wouldn't hang around waiting for six months. Let her know that if she moves out, it's over.

[Ms Darcy]

You need to give her the space she's asking for.

[offplanet]

Yes don't do the 6 months break thing. It's a euphemism for she wants to get out, anyway. Let her know it's all or nothing. That way she can't keep you hanging for 6 months.

[annie24]

I would just break up and let her go. don't do that 6 month break. that is ridiculous. just sounds like she is either trying to let you down gently, or she wants you as a backup plan in case she doesn't like whatever guy she's dating in the meantime. blah. move on.

[Thorshammer]

Almost similar to mines. Arguments, want space, losing herself, needs time. Whatever you do, dont do what I did, which was fight her on it. This just solidifies her decision.

 

Show her your confidence, courage, patience, and understanding, by giving her what she wants. Even if its over, leave with positive traits, not only because it will plant in her head that you were understanding and caring to the very end, but its the least you can do for someone you cared about.

 

My suspicion flags would be up with the whole 6 months thing, but if you dont have any evidence, then there isnt much to go on. Either be cool with the space, express your love for her in an easy controled manner, or tell her the time is too hurtful and you have to let her go (which i told my ex). Her intentions can only be interpreted by you. Maybe examine the person she is. Does she stand up to confrontations, or run and hide from them, and then fights them from a distance? Has she ever been dishonest with you? Is she a selfish person, etc.

[ISTHATDAVE]

Thanks all for the replies so far.

 

Ok, so shes texted me several times today. She isnt coming home. Shes feinted and feels too ill to travel back, thinks we need to start getting used to the seperation, so shes staying one more night at her Bro's and then coming home tomorrow. She kept insisting I tell our landlord we are moving out (we rent together these past 4 yrs) and that she wont change her mind, shes so desperate its litterally pleading with me to do this for her. Ive now given notice this evening and we are both moving out within the next month, although I doubt she'll be here longer than a week or so.

 

She also reiterated again the 6 month thing and that she loved me, but isnt sure if shes in love with me (classic I know), but I do see how for both of us the arguments and pressure of the last 12 or so months and more intensely lately have had a toll on us both. Also what I didnt mention earlier is she has a massive family problem going on right now between her estranged parents (9 yrs no contact including seeing her father only once -organised by me - in the last 9 years) and to do with her dad maybe having prostate cancer. A LOT going on there and she has said that when this all flared up in September it was like the last straw and she couldnt take any more stress so she pretty much has been on the verge of a breakdown ever since. Shes talked of suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut herself and wont go to the doctor so far. Also she has OCD which I think is driving her on to feel that somehow if she doesnt live alone with no stress and responsibilty she can get her head straight and then deal with family and perhaps me as well later when shes able.

 

Any of this make any sense?

[Thorshammer]

Shes going the same route as my ex, she also said about being in love with me, but not being sure. She was also under a lot of stress (if i believe her words without judging). And my ex always had depression here and there, it runs in her family.

 

Just be there for her if you have the strength to do it. But i advise you to be prepared for the worse, just in case. Slowly try to mentally let go if you can, just as a protective mechanism so you can deaden the blow of the pain.

[ISTHATDAVE]

Shes going the same route as my ex, she also said about being in love with me, but not being sure. She was also under a lot of stress (if i believe her words without judging). And my ex always had depression here and there, it runs in her family.

 

Just be there for her if you have the strength to do it. But i advise you to be prepared for the worse, just in case. Slowly try to mentally let go if you can, just as a protective mechanism so you can deaden the blow of the pain.

 

How long did you take to realise you had no chance of getting back together with her. At the moment shes saying she wants to go NC for about a month and then see. Says she wants to have the chance to miss me and then see how we go. Shes oddly insistant about it "only being for 6 months" and then we'll probably be back together.

 

I find that very odd?

[annie24]

My response is that A LOT of things can happen in 6 months. Heck, you might meet the woman of your dreams in 6 months! Who is to say that you are going to sit at home and wait for your ex? i might remind her that you're not going to wait for her or put your life on hold for 6 months while your ex goes out and bangs a few guys and then comes back to you. ugh.

[Thorshammer]

How long did you take to realise you had no chance of getting back together with her. At the moment shes saying she wants to go NC for about a month and then see. Says she wants to have the chance to miss me and then see how we go. Shes oddly insistant about it "only being for 6 months" and then we'll probably be back together.

 

I find that very odd?

 

This might sound funny, but if i didnt have a dream the night before that she was leaving me, I wouldnt have taken it serious. I just knew this one was the big one. Also, she was beating around the bush, some people say i pressured her to make a decision, no, she already made it. I knew this woman for 3 years, she just couldnt say it. I didnt want to give her time, anxiety was too much. I love you, i thought you love me, you say you dont, something smells bad, just make your decision now.

 

I went to her house the day she did all that "space" talk, she really watered down what she wanted to say. I went there, and she was like a robot. I left thinking things were ok because she said it was, and that the stress was just getting to her. Then I told her how sad i was, and she blurted out everything she wanted to tell me. Which was that she loves me, but feels she doesnt know if its true, or feels she loves me as a friend. She cried, said I was her "everything", and that was just confusing me more, so i kept chasing. She was "there" for me, to talk me through the break up. But i didnt take that offer, i went NC. It was a slap to the face considering she said she loved me numerous times less than 5 days before.

 

A part of me thought she would come back, because this girl was crazy about me all the time. But around the first month, when she didnt sign on aim aol, is when i knew it was over. I reasoned it was a very easy non-confrontational way of keeping contact.

 

Honestly, i think shes trying to make this break up easy for both of you, by doing it in the most stupidest way. But maybe she really is confused (dont know why you would relate external stress to the person that loves you, but they do it, and thats a dysfunctional way of handling things) , but its not looking so good regardless, if she needs time to wonder if she really wants you (that still infuriates me to this day) then it possible it can pop up again in the future. But, i dont know what really happened in my situation, maybe she had a bout of depression, maybe she got it in good with an old fling, so i cant really relate except for a few small things. Just be a better stronger man than me, and dont get anxiety, and dont pressure her.

[iBroken]

Is there someone else in the picture? Shes pulling away for a reason.

 

If its not someone else, I wonder if shes hitting the 25 year "crisis". As she approaches that number, she might be contemplating a lot of things in her world right now. This includes her career, her relationship, friendships etc.

[Notagoodninja]

I agree...as a woman when we say "we want space" it means we aren't into you anymore. That's the nicest way we can say it.

And I would NEVER give someone a break for 6 months are you kidding me? They will be sleeping around! I don't want to sleep with damaged goods. No thank you.

[Notagoodninja]

Also she started her relationship with you pretty young. She wants to play the field. I have a feeling she will come back for you when it's too late and you've already moved on...

[ISTHATDAVE]

Thanks for those thoughts guys. To give a little more detail she did get together pretty young and in an unusual way, we had both been going through tough times, I had just lost my dad and had had a difficult year before that with the end of an 8 year relationship breakup with my ex (instigated by me). She was due to come and study in the UK and had been going through some tough family times and had come out of a pretty awful 1 year relationship with this guy who treated her horribly - this was about 6 months-1year before. A mutual friend introduced us online and after we exchanged photos and messages , eventually I went to Paris where she lived for our first date. Very romantic start and it went on from there. eventually we ended up living together in the UK while she completed her degree.

 

The problem leading up to this has been caused by me largely and compounded by her OCD and obsessive attitude to her studies (all day everyday basically - but she did get a 1st class degree result to be fair!). Her course involved field trips abroad, for several weeks at a time and Im afraid I hated them, I panicked and felt horrible each time she went and it ended up causing stress before and during the trips. This was my fault and I know that. The situation recently was she wanted to apply for a Masters leading probably to a PHD, hence at least 4 more years of intense study and a similar career. Also a probable move to a city about an hour away which I flatly refused to consider moving to (but inside knew I probably would do as I loved her). After all the arguing she decided to postpone all this after her degree finished this summer to see how she got on for a year and try to settle a bit. But immediately when she met up with her friends who had started doing their masters in Sept things started to go wrong and she clearly felt she was being left behind and not pursung her dreams, hence more arguments, she really wanted me to follow her and support her.

 

Also at the same time her father who she hadn't seen for 9 years (shes originally from another continent accross the pond) finally sorted his life out and came to Europe to be near his kids. This caused a massive family problem, as her mother and family didnt want him here and reacted really badly over the summer. This situation is continuing.

 

Somethings clicked after a few more fiery arguments and its all got too much for her. As I said she has OCD and clearly is depressed, has taked of feeling suicidal and wanting to cut herself recently. Her studies and career is clearly a passion and a stabilser for her OCD and without it and with all the problems shes pretty much had a breakdown.

 

She now feels the only way to stabilise herself is to live alone for 6 months (flatshare) and try to get a grip.

 

And here we are.............

[Notagoodninja]

Well you clearly have a decision to make..

will you leave her alone to her own life and find someone who will be better suited in yours?

or will you change your life to mesh into hers so she can pursue her desires/

[ISTHATDAVE]

Well you clearly have a decision to make..

will you leave her alone to her own life and find someone who will be better suited in yours?

or will you change your life to mesh into hers so she can pursue her desires/

 

Or has the decision been made for me and its too late!

[Thorshammer]

 

Her course involved field trips abroad, for several weeks at a time and Im afraid I hated them, I panicked and felt horrible each time she went and it ended up causing stress before and during the trips. This was my fault and I know that.

 

 

I also didnt feel comfortable with my ex when she went out, she didnt go on trips, but she went out to drinks. Though I learned to let it go, it still bothered her. If she is anything like my ex (again, I am the dude who said my ex tried to pull the same thing your ex is doing), she feels trapped and restricted with you. Has she mentioned that she is "losing herself (with you possibly if she was that blunt)?" She has goals and aspirations, and you are being a small road-blocks, something as simple as trips is a big deal for someone who is obsessed with her schooling. This will spawn incompatibilities, you need to support your woman. My ex didnt feel like I was trying to be a jerk of bossy, I explained that i got anxiety, and that would just make her feel guilty- keep this in mind if you this is striking a chord with your situation (add her own issues, and she will want to cut the fat to ease her own life).

 

Also a probable move to a city about an hour away which I flatly refused to consider moving to (but inside knew I probably would do as I loved her). After all the arguing she decided to postpone all this after her degree finished this summer to see how she got on for a year and try to settle a bit. But immediately when she met up with her friends who had started doing their masters in Sept things started to go wrong and she clearly felt she was being left behind and not pursung her dreams, hence more arguments, she really wanted me to follow her and support her.

 

Same with me, even though I slowly started to tell her that it might be possible that we move to her "dream city". But my ex wanted to move to miami, and i didnt. Miami was her dream, and i killed that for her. Not only that, she wanted to study in miami, and continue to chase her dreams of being a therapist, and i wasnt as supportive as i should have been. Even though I changed it up and became extremely supportive, some people dont let it go.

 

She went with friends to miami, which showed my evolution, since I said i was fine with it. She came back, got into a fight... out i go. Now she is free to move to miami, study anywhere. Also, me ex is what I call a "hater", if you are in school and getting better grades, or doing what she wants to do, and she has none of that, she will be jealous and hate you, very immature. She measures her worth on material things and other people around her.

 

When she broke up with me, she told me her life was in shambles, and she has problems getting back into school, and she hates her job, etc. I couldnt relate this to me at all. She decided to add me to the box of "bad stuff", even tho i changed, and she had no excuse except one fight, that i dropped quickly, which was rare, but was mostly done because she just came back and i was missing her and just wanted to see her.

 

Somethings clicked after a few more fiery arguments and its all got too much for her. As I said she has OCD and clearly is depressed,

 

 

 

I know you want to paint her as the depressed person that needs space and all of that, i did with my ex too. But, people who go through situations like this are the ones who can easily walk away, and you cant blame them for being selfish, because its already established that she needs to think about herself. They have a wide-open door, and they can play the victim of life and walk out (and really, you would have to scramble for a reason to stop her without YOU sounding selfish, which isnt that easy, hence why i say to be supportive of her to the very end, but be prepared).

 

I did the exact opposite and blew it bad. But, since she was out in miami drinking with single girls, and taking pics with guys, put me on serious peed off mode that there is no way I would be supportive with that "sequence of chain events" after a break up.

[Thorshammer]

Is there someone else in the picture? Shes pulling away for a reason.

 

If its not someone else, I wonder if shes hitting the 25 year "crisis". As she approaches that number, she might be contemplating a lot of things in her world right now. This includes her career, her relationship, friendships etc.

 

Interesting, what is your take on this 25 year old crisis? My ex broke up with me right before she became 25, and she kept telling me she was in a crisis.

[ISTHATDAVE]

Lots of similarities , possibly minus the OCD which is very strong and seems to control aspects of every part of her life and is definitely a driving force since she was 10 years old!

 

she came home today and we actually visited our Doctor together who agreed a break was sensible for both of us and it wasnt necessarily the end, but my other half needs to sort her OCD out away from me as Ive been making it a lot worse and now its out of control. Plus she can now have some freedom and time to calm down and see how she feels.

 

So she did come home, she is still saying she loves me and when we're together and I look her in the eye there seems to be genuine sincerity there and shes still quite tactile and cuddly, but clearly very very sad and depressed.

 

She started packing boxes today for the move. Very hard and horrible process this!

[ISTHATDAVE]

Quick update from me a couple weeks on. Things seem worse and better all rolled into one. Shes moved the majority of her stuff into storage this week and left to see family abroad for a couple weeks before she comes back and moves into a new place (although she hasnt actually found anywhere yet after looking for a couple weeks). So ive had to find a new place of my own to live and I leave our current house in a weeks time.

 

Its all so odd. Weve spent a fair bit of time here these last few weeks, still living mainly together, still sharing the same bed, still holding each other and kissing (not much more), she looks me in the eye and says she loves me so much, but shes so mentally unwell all she can do is live on her own(flatshare with strangers 20 miles away in London) and try to fix herself with therapy and some isolation. But she has changed and now says we'll see each other quite often and she will come stay at my new place regulalry with me. Shes now saying we are still together and will just be living apart for 6 months and then in all likelihood move back in and start again with a fresh start and new groundrules.

 

Why do I feel like something bads still likely to happen and this will still be the beginning of the end? Am I just too pessamistic or perhaps shes not seeing the reality of what shes doing?

 

Sure feels lonely now shes moved out. But shes back to texting me "I love you" a lot and more normal behaviour, pet names etc.....

 

what do I do other than wait now and go with the flow?