I can't get over my narcissistic ex, HELP!!!

[Lil Boi]

I've been going to enotalone for almost 2 years now but never really had the guts to post my story... Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

 

This is about to be a long post but I'll try to be straight to the point as possible, as early as now, I apologize for straining your eyes.

 

I moved to the middle-east about 2 and a half years ago... I met my ex-girlfriend at work the day I got here. We pretty much hit it off, she was bubbly, funny and extremely straightforward and in touch with her sexuality. Needless to say it was such a thrill and I fell for her really hard. Being new here then, I ended up clinging to her and making her my world. At first I was really hesitant but she kinda drew me in and made me feel that a co-dependent relationship is what we needed in order to survive. Six months after, she got cold and dumped me in the worst way possible because she started to gain friends and according to her wanted to get and act on the attention she's been getting from men. (Just a disclaimer: I'm a lesbian and so was she until up to that point).

 

In a week's time she started flaunting herself and had sex with some dude she had already given her number to when we were still together. After she got bored with him, she tossed him out and found a replacement in a matter of days again, same story... Later on, I found out she'd been giving sketches to random guys and her number who would then go to her place for a hook up and she'd drool over them for a while then dump them. She didn't really have a particular taste or choice, married or downright a-holes is fine with her...

 

While this was all going on, I tried to work on myself a lot, she spread this notion around that I was a crazy and ugly ex who was disgusting and pitiful. As stupid as I now know it is, I wanted her back despite of all the * * * * she was doing... Hence, it was why I tried to be the best person I can possibly be 'cause I was thinking that it would draw her back in for good.

 

After three months, was fit and had a makeover, got a better job and went home to my country for a cleansing break before I did, I went to see her and stuff... I then started dating and that made her notice me again. She started talking to me and chatting, telling me she couldn't believe I became "hot". I got reeled in within days and when I got back to the same city as her, we immediately hooked up. 2 months later, she dumped me again because apparently she had started seeing someone and a day or two after our breakup, they were together. Difference was, she kept in touch and we sort of tried to be friends... I ended up so hung up and basically we cheated on her boyfriend together. Sad thing to add, I was helping her out because at that time she didn't have a job and I found out she was basically using the money I'm giving her to spend on her BF. She then told me she was going to end it with him and that nothing was sexual between them... Yea, that was a big lie that I found out in the worst way possible.

 

You'd think I've learned my lesson but no. I ended up being with her again after going on a vacation and she said she wanted to be with me for good. My ex has no respect for her folks and have a lot of issues. I tried to help her deal with it but she ends up lashing out on me as well. When we got back here we started to live together out of a certain problem she encountered. It was okay but then most of the time she was abusive, aggressive and well she pretty much treated me like her personal assistant and slave. I was find with it for God knows what reason and it came to a point that she started to disrespect my mom as well.

 

When it got really bad, she'd throw a huge fit, curse me, ostracize me and basically told me that I was lucky she was with me. At one point I caught her cheating on me which she said she didn't want to do it was just an urge and we tried to work it out still.

 

Eventually she lost everything when I took her in, she didn't have friends or her family during the time because she practically fought with everyone and I guess they got fed up. When things got a little better I guess, she started to pick the stupidest fights and even ostracized my mom before moving out permanently.

 

Two months ago, she went cold on me again, and when she did talk to me it was to breakup... She made up this elaborate story of how she needed to work on herself and focus on her family and God. I later on found out that she was cheating on me when she turned cold and possibly got pregnant at that time. I confronted her about it and she ended up lashing out on me again (yep, we even tried to stay friends until I found out she had cheated on me again). Next thing I know, she went to Malaysia with the Guy and she's bragging to her family how this dude is supposedly filthy rich. They've been away for a week now and she might be back by next month. Here, she has lost everything already, her job is at risk (I think it's because of the dude who is supposedly a foreigner and her officemate too), she has no friends (she's pissed at me 'cause I do), and she has an ill-reputation now coz everyone has caught up to her lies and what she's doing now.

 

My ex tends to be very materialistic and well, I hate to say it but she pretty much lowered herself for this dude.

 

I'm in so much pain right now, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm on NC and in a way I guess I should feel relieved that she's not in the country and has a narc supply that I think would last very long. I don't understand why she lied and lied and now is flaunting it to my face as if she couldn't care less that it hurts me.

 

I don't know if this is the end of the drama, is there a possibility that this is just a high again for her and eventually she'll dump this dude and start contacting me again? How do I stop myself from possibly communicating with her if she does... I NEED HELP PLEASE!!!

[Mesemene]

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Why in the WORLD would you WANT her to come back to you???

 

She's cheated on you. She verbally beats you. She takes off with a guy right after dumping you.

 

It's actually very easy to stop yourself from communicating. Block her number, delete her from FB - actually disable your own profile if you have one - more trouble than it's worth, that place - change your phone number, change your email addy. If she emails, delete it. If she texts, delete it.

 

You're not going to have an easy time filling your days and eliminating thinking, wondering about her - but you need to do that for you. If you feel yourself slipping, call a friend, go for a walk and leave the phone at home, go to the gym and swim laps or work out until you've worked that urge down a bit. Change up the appearance where you're living - move furniture, put away pics, hang stuff you liked that she didn't. Set some goals for yourself, things you want to see this week, this month, next month. Make them reachable - don't set yourself up for failure.

 

And do not call, write, text, IM, or send her smoke signals!!!

[Lil Boi]

Thank you so much, Mesemene... I've been through this a thousand times and know the process by heart but I keep on falling back and it's frustrating. I have successfully completed a week of pure indifference and NC... although, I'm wondering what you meant by "smoke signals"... Just this morning she tweeted me about how she doesn't like seeing me or my tweets 'cause it reminds her of how unhappy she is now, she unfollowed me and asked that I let it be her secret. Actually, I already did all the facebook unfriending and the twitter kinda caught me off guard 'cause I was under the notion that she was already inactive there.

 

I don't want her back but I have so much anger in me and for God knows what reason, I want to understand what she's doing ruining her life like that and in a way selling herself for material happiness if she's supposedly unhappy... I want her to find remorse but seriously, I don't get why she's acting like this and it's sad 'cause I can't do anything about it.

 

I'm doing it all, the productive and positive way of dealing and coping but some days, I just can't help but sulk and isolate myself. I know I have to be prepared 'cause when she comes back, I don't know what news she'll be bringing or if she'll suddenly contact me... The latter, honestly, I still think of but I know it's best I just shut down when she comes, if she does.

 

Thanks again... I thought I wouldn't have any push to keep going from ENA... but I'm so glad you lifted my spirits up.

[Mesemene]

Also keep in mind - the little "boosts" someone gives you if they're emotionally abusive at other times - they feel so fantastic because you're so used to being made to feel like CRAP.

 

It's like, you know if you're at the gym or club, and dip your foot in the pool, and it feels pretty warm? But then you go in the hot tub or sauna FIRST, and now the pool feels like icewater? It's similar. It's the contrast that makes it feel so much better, when realistically, a lot of the little pats and strokes really weren't that great.

 

Oh, and *cough* smoke signals was kind of tongue-in-cheek, because no matter how many things I think of to say "don't do it!" someone always comes up with something I didn't consider

 

You're GOING to have anger, and honestly, anger is GOOD. Anger means you've got enough self respect, and sense of worth, to really know deep down that you did NOT deserve this, and you do deserve better treatment. It can be very healthy, and very motivational because it can give you energy. Depression saps energy, anger can fuel it.

 

Keep your chin up - and post whenever you're tempted to contact her to see what she's up to. She may never be capable of having a really healthy relationship, or she may end up crashing hard enough to seek counseling and improve - but in the meantime, you're better than being a crutch to support her while she figures it out

[Lil Boi]

Mesemene,

 

The links you sent me were really useful... I was able to understand a lot of what's going on, it was really mind-awakening... I know it's disturbing for me to have bouts with wanting to get her back or wanting her to contact me but yeah, my will is getting stronger and I know that I'm on the right track. Maybe she'll end up with the guy, maybe she won't (the latter is more plausible).

 

Sometimes it just gets overwhelming, the thought of the lying, cheating, disrespect and abandonment despite giving my all and everything, I have nothing to show for it, like it all just went to waste on a person who couldn't value it or appreciate it.

 

You're really helping me a lot.. thank you so much

[meoww]

I have been in your shoes, and I'm happy to say I'm 150% recovered. I thought I was going to marry my ex! Thanks to my makeover (inside and out), I have WAY more options than I ever have and feel more confident than ever. Untangling myself from my toxic relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I suggest you look into your family history to resolve any attachment issues--that was at the root of my problem. I always wanted my ex's approval, even when I knew how much I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I've been NC for almost a year and I have never broken it, and I have no intention of ever doing so. I don't even care about the look on his face when he sees the new me someday.

 

I didn't rush the healing process and I just went through everything, every emotion you can imagine. I love being single (at the moment anyway) and I wouldn't change it for the world. You can become who you have always wanted to be---trust me it is SO worth it. You may not be able to picture it now, but someday, probably sooner than you think, you will look back on all this and be grateful for the changes you have made in your life. Chances are something big is missing in this relationship, even for you.

 

My main practical suggestion is to keep STRICT NC. This woman treats you like * * * * . There is just no excuse for that, you've given her second, third, fourth chances and it didn't lead anywhere. Even if you keep wanting her, the NC will keep you from breaking down and getting back together with her. Eventually, you will start falling in love with someone else, when you're ready. Someone even better in every single way--I didn't think it was possible but if it happened to me, I'm sure it will happen to you if you make it happen. Hugs!!

[Lil Boi]

Thank you meoww... that made me want to roar

 

The no contact, literal communication is something I've gotten the hang of, unfortunately, every now and then I get a glimpse of what's going on in her life and I get sucked in, start checking her facebook and tweets... Not doing me any good, I know and I really really want to stop myself from it... after all, I've already unfriended her and unfollowed her and stuff but still I go in... Sometimes I feel she's saying things that are meant to make me think about her and react... I don't know if I'm going crazy, sometimes it just feels as if she's trying to make me curious or something.

 

Just yesterday, she started to unfollow me and that tempted me to check her out again, supposedly I remind her of how unhappy she is and my posts make her wonder... then now, I read her say something like: This is what I want, Lord, but I'm praying for your will not mine, not my will but yours... It screws me up, like crazy. I suddenly want to know what she wants and yea, it made me think if she was getting married to the guy she ran away with or if she was really pregnant and now considering keeping it or terminating the innocent.

 

I just want to stop the anxiety... it's too much... How to I stop caring?